Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

If it helps, I work in HR and I'm being emergency taxed this month. 😉

I'm so sorry to read your post. I've been there and I sympathise. The courts will consider your contribution to your marriage and your income potential, compared with your ex. Provided you have a good solicitor your ex will not be allowed to walk away from you, leaving you in a mess.

Please make sure you have a really good divorce lawyer, who will fight on your behalf.

I've read your thread and you've come a long way. You will have bad days but eventually things will get better. In fact, once you've moved on and your life is your own, life will be good. Please don't despair. xxx

You are doing really well. You are not alone with tax confusion. I would hazzard a guess that anyone who rings the tax office comes away more confused than they were before they made the call. They will amend your tax code and send notification of the correct code to your employer who will use it next time they pay you. Paying tax is the last thing you need right now but you WILL get it back. Sometimes employers will give it you back in your next pay but more likely you will get your tax refund in the form of a cheque after the end of the tax year. Tell your HR woman to keep an eye open for it so that she can pay you the correct wages next time.

Definitely, apply for maintenance. I cannot believe your DH's arrogance - he really believes some of the shit he is coming out with doesn't he?! Despite what he says, it is not up to your STBX to decide.
www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/how-apply-child-maintenance

Child maintenance payments are made if a child is in full-time education up to A-level or equivalent, so your ex will be made to pay you child maintenance.

The courts tend to favour a clean break, so it's perfectly possible they will award you a very good deal in lieu of his earning potential compared with yours and his pension pot.

Took dog for a walk to clear my head. Then cleaned my car. Cold but bearable. Looks like my rear right tyre could have a slow puncture. Will need to check that tomorrow.

Plus I don't want to have to keep going to OH if she needs things. I want to speak to him as little as possible from now on.

This ^^ is exactly why you should get child maintenance sorted out asap. Make it a priority.

Your wages, Child Benefit, Tax Credits & Maintenance, are you paying the correct Council Tax? Once you have established how much income you are going to have coming in life will become a lot more settled. Don't stress over the timeframe you have before the house is sold ... in reality it could be a lot longer than 18 months.

When is he moving out?

You need maintenance for DD to help pay for the roof over her head. I'm concerned that you DH will want to keep it, then hand it out to her like Mr Big shot. And if she's anything like most 16yo, she will go out and spent it as if it's pocket money. Whereas it's supposed to be his contribution to keeping her.

Teens don't see the money that you spend on rent, bill, insurance, utilities, running a car to run them places, food, extras for school and college. They only see the money that's handed to them.

He will exploit this to make him look like the super cool, generous parent. Who never asks her to tidy her room or wash the dishes but hands her £50 to go out and have fun " Because I remember what it's like to be a teenager, unlike your mum."

I don't think OH hasn't even thought of child maintenance. IF he has then he hasn't mentioned it. Maybe he thinks I don't know about it.....and as he's paying all the bills he thinks that's good enough. Trouble is on top of the bills we have other expenditure. Normal stuff like dog food, insurance, clothes for DD etc... not sure where he thinks that money will come from.

The tax code situation was the last thing I needed right now. I will leave a note for the HR lady (she's already gone by the time I get there) so she knows it's been corrected and to keep a check on it for me.

I will be asking the solicitor on Friday (another one) about our savings - if we can divide it now so I can know what I can and can't spend should I need to.

Plus I'll get her take on the child maintenance situation and if I like her she can take it further by writing him a letter. I won't talk to him about it, as I know exactly what he'll say - 'I don't have enough money for that' and/or 'if she needs something tell me'.

I did log on to internet banking this morning and for some reason another (savings) account has appeared.... no clue where the heck it's come from, def wasn't there before! I will be checking on that! It had £1 put in it on the 26th.... wasn't me! NO clue. It's got the same name as the other savings account on my login details.

Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973
When deciding what Orders to make, the Court has a very wide discretion. By Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, all the circumstances of the particular case must be taken into account and first consideration must be given to the welfare of any minor child of the family who has not attained the age of 18. Section 25 directs the Court to have regard to the following matters:

The income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future (including any benefits under a pension scheme which a party to the marriage has or is likely to have), including in the case of earning capacity, any increase in that capacity which it would in the opinion of the Court be reasonable to expect a party to the marriage to take steps to acquire;
The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future;
The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage;
The age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage;
Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage;
The contributions which each of the parties has made or is likely in the foreseeable future to make to the welfare of the family including any contribution by looking after the home or caring for the family;
The conduct of each of the parties if that conduct is such that it would in the opinion of the Court be inequitable to disregard it;
In the case of proceedings for divorce or nullity of marriage, the value to each of the parties to the marriage of any benefit (for example a pension) which, by reason of the dissolution or annulment of the marriage, that party will lose the chance of acquiring.

notangelinajolie - I've done the council tax now as a single occupier. Sent all the details and have a new direct debit set up for the new year in April. That was done the most efficiently!

Kr1stina - Oh OH won't have thought about it. Although if he's seen a free 1/2 hr SOL then surely he would have been told?!

I think my main worry with life in general is I'm not a 'change' person. I like my routine, my life unchallenged. I will change if necessary but leaving my home will be tough. OH has said he doesn't feel it's his home so he's in a different situation to me.

Good idea to ask the solicitor about CM. It sounds like it's overwhelming you and you need somebody to take all this on for you - hoping your meeting goes well and you can set the ball rolling. No way would I accept him handing over money to DD whenever she needs something - his responsibilites are far more than buying a new pair of trainers every now and then.

Hmmmm... strange about the savings account. Whose name is it in?

Yep, the solicitor will know how to handle it the right way as well. I'd start off with OH calmly then it would get more awkward!

It's in my name but has 're:OH's' name by the side of it. It's strange. Even if it's been there the whole time and I've not noticed as it was empty, the fact that £1 has been transferred into it (not from any of my accounts, the number is completely different) in the past day is very confusing. £1?!?!? Weird to say the least....

I rang the tax credits line this morning. Gist of it is I don't need to tell them anything more until April. And I'll get the full amount. He wanted to make me aware as well that I need to move to 30 hrs before DD leaves education. That part I had researched!

You are doing so well. Don't give up now. It is ok to have a wobble or two.
The other account is interesting. Can you tell who has paid the £ in. Could your husband have another account he has not told you about?
Get everything you are entitled to and don't give up the house. Speak to the mortgage company and they may put in on interest only. You need a roof as do your children. He can swivel !

I'd speak to the bank. I could be wrong but are you even allowed to to set up an account in someone elses name without them signing something. Ask them exactly how linked your finances are. He could spy on you if he's got access to your bank accounts I think I'd look at moving to a different bank he has no links with.

notangelinajolie - I am confused about it. I will be finding out when the account was opened etc...

No clue where the payment is from tbh.

Been a quiet day really.
DD and I had a haircut this morning, I paid from my account as there really is nothing spare in the main one now. It's this sort of thing that I'm concerned about. 1 haircut is fine but every 2/3 months and it adds up. OH didn't ask how I was paying and I didn't say anything.

I've filled in the tax credit form and will be sending that on Monday. No idea when they will sort it out though, it could take weeks.

Got my payslip through the post this morning and it doesn't make any sense! Ignoring the tax issue, I'm sure I haven't been paid enough O/T. I'll speak to the boss on Monday night and if he can't sort it (internally with HR) I'll have to go in Tuesday to speak to her. Not ideal.

OH is going through my list of things I want to know. Actually being very helpful.

Keep going op - it will get easier!

Is it this Tuesday that he is moving out? You might find that your head is clearer and you feel better when he is not physically there any more; your stress levels must be really high at the moment.

There will be a payroll cut off so it may be that overtime done after that will be paid in the next wage run.

Naicehamshop - Yep, well it's technically Tuesday but I won't see him as I go to work Monday night and he'll be gone by time I get up Tuesday.

HeCantBeSerious - Yeah there is a cut-off date. I think it's the 17th, in which case I'm still owed 3 hrs as I did it in the first 2 weeks. I'll check tomorrow the situation as I know each company is different. As long as I get it I'll be happy. Plus the tax rebate!

OH is fixing my bike punctures today. Being very helpful. Even put my duvet cover on (changed sheets this morning). King size duvet won't be easy!

Hmm ... bit late for him to step up and start being helpful!

Naicehamshop - Haha! Well yeah but it'll help me in the long run! My bike could be needed if I can't use my car for work! So if he fixes the puncture then all well and good!

He also fitted bike lights. ...

Hi itsover, I just recently applied for tax credits and it took 3 weeks, so shorter time than expected.

I don't know how much you pay for haircuts but many salons have training evenings where you will pay a fraction of the cost for a trainee to cut under supervision, local colleges with hairdressing departments do this too.

Hotwaterbottle1 - Well I'm sending the tax form tomorrow so I'll find out! Good to know it's not too long - maybe!

We don't pay a lot for haircuts to be honest. We have someone come to our house and she's very reasonable, I think mine cost more this time as I had a lot off. We (DD and me) have cuts (trims) about every 2/3 months so not too bad really. DS needs a cut more often but as he's at Uni he'll have to pay for himself when not at home!

Trouble is I need to have mine dyed - I've done home dying for nearly 30 yrs (yes 30! I found my first grey hair at 14! Damn genes.....). OH has been doing it for me (yes, that's true, in exchange I cut his with the trimmers!) but obviously now it has to change. Not too bothered about the grey bits growing through but not completely.. feel I'm still too young for that! So I will probably have high/low lights. That will cost a few times a yr but we'll see how it goes. Our hairdresser is good, she doesn't push for expensive stuff and is quite accommodating.

Out tomorrow for lunch with my Dad. It's the 5th anniv of Mum passing so we always have lunch (every yr, but Sis is on hol so just me and Dad tomorrow). I've got a few errands to do on the way there/back so it'll be a busy day.

Work starts at 8 tomorrow so it's no rushing around. OH will pack up his stuff while I'm at work no doubt and then I won't see him again for a while - until he comes over to pick DD up for something I guess. Or the house needs something doing and he can do it. Cheaper than getting someone in. It's still his house so he can maintain it!

I will ask him tomorrow before I leave for work about Child Maintenance. Then I'll have his answer before seeing the solicitor to ask her advice. I will explain to him that us sorting it would be cheaper as we can set our own cost (depending on our circumstances), whereas the maintenance service would no doubt just go for everything.