Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Yes - I know what you mean; it's a long, slow process, but you are getting there. Just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and you will find yourself in a good place.

Yep, it feels like it's going to be never ending! Just when one thing comes to a close another saga starts! OH starting the separation was #1, then moving out is #2 and then there will be many more #'s!

I am determined to not rush things though, no matter what OH wants. These decisions are important ones and can't be rushed. We've done that before and made big mistakes so I want to get this as right as it possible. I don't like being rushed either, OH knows that. The more you push me to make a decision the more I dig my heels in! If he's learnt anything in 23 yrs of knowing me he better know that!

The house was valued yesterday by Estate Agent #1. It was about what I thought but way off OH's low valuation. God only knows where OH got his figure from. I have valuation #2 tomorrow to see how that differs (if it does). I haven't told OH the figure yet, not sure if DD (who was here at the time) did last night while I was at work. I haven't asked her and won't. Not to put her in the middle. When I have the letter outlining the valuation then I'll tell OH.

So DH guesstimated the value at lot less than its real value?

Hold firm on what you want, OP.

If the house is worth even more than he thinks it is, he may start pushing harder to sell it. He won't care about what happens to you and DD; he's only concerned with himself.

Naicehamshop - according to OH he had been online and looked around and found it to be worth a certain amount. I had previously told him what I thought it was worth when he originally spit out his figure but he didn't listen. Now I'm right - again! But yes his valuation was about 40k less than the estate agent (and me) think it's worth.
I don't know where he was looking online, but I did the same thing and came up with my (pretty accurate) figure.

EweAreHere - Oh I will be holding firm on this one! Even if it goes to court I won't be selling this house until DD is 18. If he wants a fight on that one he will get it. Plus keeping the house for longer means the mortgage goes down (if I don't need to borrow from it, house emergency might happen). That also gives us time to pay off some of the debts. If we're not using the cards and actually budgeting it will work.

I will try to get the SOL to draw up a letter stating that any debt accrued after the date of separation is all HIS debt - if not spent on necessary items for DD or the house. Not joint marital debt.

I've nearly (I hope) booked an appointment with the SOL my BIL's brother used. She's moved firms but it's more convenient as it's my local branch of her new firm. He said she was very good and all for him as a client. So we'll see. Then I can try to decide whether my original SOL from last week or this new one I better.

I have ordered a new Nectar card, so I'll have my own one. I couldn't be bothered to try and split it. There are points left on the old one but only about £3!
The Clubcard accounts have been separated today so any points we each earn we each keep. That was more tricky than just getting a new one and very easy to do online.

There is a savings account with a building society we need to sort out on Saturday (I hope). It's one we opened a few years ago with the intention of putting some money away but it never happened. We paid one cheque in and that was it! About £17!

I'll maybe try to keep that account for myself and have his name removed as it would be easier for me to put money away rather than use the savings accounts that are seen as 'joint money' that we have now. Keep it completely separate.

Glad to see you are getting things done. Good news about the house value. Him getting the value wrong just shows how out of touch he is with RL. Your STBOH doesn't seem to be able to look any further ahead than today ... rushing to sell the house isn't going to help either of you in the long run. Apart from you and DD being homeless does he not realise that the longer you keep the house, the more it will go up in value? And if he keeps paying and not spending, all that Credit Card debt should be going down in the right direction too.

And at the other end of the finances scale .. Tesco and Nectar cards. Every little helps as Mr Tesco likes to tell us so congratulations at crossing them off your long to do list.

Re savings account. It might be simpler to open up a brand new shiny savings acount that doesn't have any links to DH or his credit cards. The rates are always better for new accounts too.

I'm thinking you should keep that valuation to yourself. Although you were expecting it - it would be good news for him and might make him even more determined for a quick sale. There is no need for an official valuation until you are ready to put it on the market and this won't be any time soon.

You're being very pro-active, itsover. Like you, I take comfort in researching and doing the practical stuff in a crisis. Gives you more power, rather than waiting for things to happen. From what you've posted, it seems like you had that role in the household already, so will most certainly have your ducks in a row before STBX does.

As you mentioned in an earlier post, you're absolutely right to keep any discussions re. your split non-committal, with a, "Hmm, I'll let you know.", sort of reply. Let your SHL deal with those questions from STBX if/when appropriate.

And keep posting - support from MNers was practically a life saver, when I was going through the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And give yourself some care - eating (or at least trying to) cuddles with your dog while wrapped in a blanket, treat yourself to some new bed linen. Try to give yourself at least one nice thing a day.

Better than it was, ta. One foot in front of the other and all that. But getting there.

and strength to you itsover.

notangelinajolie

Glad to see you are getting things done.

trying too! Not sure how far I've got but I'm trying.

Good news about the house value. Him getting the value wrong just shows how out of touch he is with RL. Your STBOH doesn't seem to be able to look any further ahead than today ... rushing to sell the house isn't going to help either of you in the long run. Apart from you and DD being homeless does he not realise that the longer you keep the house, the more it will go up in value? And if he keeps paying and not spending, all that Credit Card debt should be going down in the right direction too.

*Well yeah it will work that way, but he's thinking about getting rid of the debts first and foremost. He's not thinking of where DD and I (and DS when home from Uni) will actually live!

And at the other end of the finances scale .. Tesco and Nectar cards. Every little helps as Mr Tesco likes to tell us so congratulations at crossing them off your long to do list.

It seemed like something I hadn't thought of so when I saw them on the sideboard I just got on with it. I'll have to tell him the accounts are separate now, his card is his and mine is mine. He needs to update his address with them so his post goes there. I only spend at Sainsburys for Petrol so we don't collect many points but it all counts. I'll suggest he gets a new Nectar card too.

Re savings account. It might be simpler to open up a brand new shiny savings acount that doesn't have any links to DH or his credit cards. The rates are always better for new accounts too.

*I'll look into it, I was thinking it would keep it simple but I guess changing things at banks or B/S's aren't always simple! I won't be saving much so the rates are pretty much irrelevant right now. I just want an account I can put any savings from my wages into. If I can do £50 a month from the start I'll be happy. I'll be budgeting like a busy little beaver to make sure I have a buffer. Once I get (hopefully!) the tax credits I can take over my share of the bills (in my name, like insurance etc..) and still save a good amount.

If I could keep this evening job, as it's turning out to be pretty darn good, that would be great but sadly the hours (once DD turns 18 and leaves College) won't be enough to qualify for working tax credits. Another 15/16 hr job would be OK if I could fit it into the schedule with the evening one but sadly I fear it won't happen or work that way.*

notangelinajolie - well he wants to get a valuation as well so he'll find out anyway. I could lie! oh that's devious! But DD was there when the agent said the price so she'd spill (without thinking) and I'd be seen as a fibber. Better to be up front I reckon.

I won't tell him the price until I've seen the solicitor though - hopefully next week if I can get the appointment she's offered. I will be calling back tomorrow. DD is home right now and I don't really want to do it with her in earshot.

I agree with notangelina re. keeping house valuation to yourself. Why should he benefit from your research? He's already back tracked from saying he doesn't want any of the equity in the house. He can do his own research if he wishes. (But don't suggest that to him!!)

RubbishMantra - Oh I love research! I knew more than the guy at the citizens advice bureau as I done so much reading! I try to research everything. Although you can read too much sometimes!

Yep, I won't be giving OH any definite answers at all. He had me waiting for his emails so he can wait for my answers. Which won't be forthcoming any time soon. This is too important to rush.

I have a good appetite now. At the beginning of this I didn't. But I just made DD some chocolate brownies and me a (half a) coffee cake! We might share both!

oops, sorry x posted with you itsover.

An estate agent valuation is only a starting point. Sales prices are usually a fair bit lower.

Ah itsover I'm another researcher! I research everything in great detail too - I worry about myself sometimes! DD has a new maths teacher and I've been googling him - it's' making very interesting reading. Probably got too much time on my hands.

And yes, you are in the best place to decide whether to tell him the valuation or not. It's easy for me sitting here telling you what to do but you know him best.

I will catch up tomorrow - tea needs making.

HeCantBeSerious - Oh yes, very true. It's what someone's prepared to pay that's the cruncher.

Just did my online shop for the week and deleted all the things I buy only for OH. And I'm going to make pasta bake next week - OH doesn't eat it but DD and I do. It's a cheap meal I can bulk out.

Feeling kind of low tonight. Things just hit me.

The house valuation was good but once you take off everything and OH's share (whatever that is, I assume a healthy chunk) I'll be left with very little to play with. As I don't know what I'll be doing career wise it's hard to see a future right now. The jobs I looked at previously were only about £15k full time, not sure even a small mortgage is possible with that.

I want to get the best deal out of this but to be honest not even the best deal will be good enough for a home. I can't make the figures work. And I'm trying every scenario. In 18 months my home will be sold and I have no clue what the feck to do. OH will be sitting pretty. Not his fault as such. It's my fault.

No matter what positive steps I take now, the outcome is the same. I don't know how to handle that. If DD goes to Uni then that's something and she'll only need a place when she (and DS) are back for the holidays. If OH has a place big enough for them as well that would work. I would only need a 1 bed flat. And that's do-able. I know I keep coming back to this scenario but it's the only one that makes financial sense right now.

I am tired. I really want to give up. Whatever I do it won't be good enough. OH will get what he wants. He knows it. And deep down I know it. Same as always. He'll come out of this very well.

I've cancelled the other agent for tomorrow. One valuation is enough.

House insurance is due at the end of Feb. Dog food is needed to stock up. DD needs new shoes at some point (she only has 2 pairs - literally - and one of those isn't in the best condition). I need new shoes (3 pairs - 2 of which have holes in the tops of them). My car insurance is due in March. From Tuesday this will all be my problem. This is only in the next 2 months.

OH won't pay maintenance for DD. I'll call it now. He'll just say if she needs anything to tell him. And he'll put it on the credit card.

OH is in his little world. He did some packing up last night again. While I was at work. But tonight? Nope, not a thing. Didn't even leave his room. I feel like shit when he's at home tbh.
All I can think about right now is money. It's dominating every thing I do. Worrying about it.

Sorry. Rambling over.

I understand your stress and your worry - it's horrible. But this is where you need to get your solicitor onto things. Your dh doesn't just get to decide that he's not going to pay maintenance for dd - he does what the courts bloody well tell him to do! Keep fighting!

You must get the CMS to set maintenance for your DD for the next 18 months. I think it's 20% of his income for the next 18 months, not sure if net or gross, I forget. Regardless, it's money even if he blocks it for a while it'll come through eventually so make sure you apply for it.

Well things get worse.

Can't completely fill in the tax credits until I get my payslip on Tuesday. I don't know the details for work. I tried talking to the HR lady on the phone but nothing she gave me matched up with the boxes.

Then the HR lady informed me I had been put on an emergency tax code so have been taxed about £100 this month. That's money I need and won't have.

I called HMRC to sort out the tax code and really couldn't understand anything the lady was saying. I don't understand tax anyway and it's too much waffling for me to take it in. Add to that she wasn't very good at speaking English (sorry if that's offensive but she had a very strong accent) and I didn't understand a lot of what she said. There's only so many times you can say 'pardon me'. I really have no clue what is going to happen, I think the gist is she'll send the tax thing to my employers and me. But in the meantime I have been taxed and I needed that money this month. Not even sure it'll be right.
By the time the tax credits get put through it could be weeks.

I don't understand any of this and am confused even more than before. Apparently the HR lady should have had me fill something in when I joined (re: the tax code thing - a 'starter checklist'?) but I didn't.
I know things aren't straightforward where the government is concerned but why is it SO difficult.
I officially give up.

It doesn't matter if he puts things for DD into the credit card. It's HIS credit card .

Surely you don't have a joint account now ?

And the kids are are uni 30 weeks a year . Do honestly think that y

Oops

Do you honestly think that your ex is going to buy and maintain a 3 bed house just so that the kids can stay with him for 22 weeks a year ?

He's already told you, he wants AWAY from all that. That's why you need to fight for more than 50% as you will have the kids

Kr1stina - Well OH could argue that if things are spent on DD it's a marital thing. Plus I don't want to have to keep going to OH if she needs things. I want to speak to him as little as possible from now on.

We still have a joint account yes mainly as all the bills get paid out of it. Both our wages will go into our own bank accounts this month. We will go and get the overdraft taken away this weekend when we close the other savings account down. Although this month instead of £530 I'm only getting £425. Which is a big difference when every penny counts.

Well OH may well do that with the house yes. As it stands it now it doesn't matter if I get 60% or 70% or even 95% of the equity, it won't be enough - even if I work full time - to get a decent house for 3 people to live in. I'd have to get a 2 bed and then sleep in the lounge when both come home. If OH can get a 3 bed surely that's better all round?
Tbh I think OH only wants away from ME.

I'm sure everyone on this thread has fought and won - but I am tired. Why fight if it's not enough anyway?? OH will make it difficult.
It's been the morning from hell and I'm f*cking pissed off. I don't understand most of what I'm doing.