Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

He thinks he can just wipe out the last 20 years as if they'd never happened??

Sorry - doesn't work like that when you have children, Mr Selfishgit.

Gotta say, the way OH is behaving makes me want to string this out as long as possible! And although I'm not that sort of person, I do sort of want him to pay as much as is possible. If he thinks we sell the house, clear the debts and mortgage then he can bugger off with his share while me and DD rent.....

I have to say it does seem to be everything HE wants. In his timescale.
I don't think he even realises how this is affecting me. Mind you, he doesn't even care so....
I'm not sure DD realises what's going to happen if we sell the house - we won't have anywhere to move to.
Just pisses me off. When I suggested sorting the debts out yrs ago (to the kind of present day) HE wasn't interested. But NOW he is!

Another thing I've thought of. I go to work at 7.30 ish on a Monday (without O/T) and he'll be packing next Monday to leave for work as normal Tuesday AM. I won't know what he's packed. :/ I can't put DD in the middle.

Is there any way at all that you could take some time off, so you can be there? A tall order I know, as you are so new. Could you have a word with your boss and explain the situation, whilst offering to make up the time?

"My advice is to fight for everything you can, you owe it to yourself and the kids. I can assure you that when this is all over and you've both moved on, if you've not secured the very best for yourself and your kids you will definitely regret it. " absolutely true! As several of us have been saying since early on he is not your friend he is only interested in himself.

It's my Csa case worker that confirmed re maintenance it's his job plus he's a senior case worker (my ex playing silly buggers!).

Tricky re him packing up while you're out, could you hide anything you need him to not take?

Yes - good idea Graphista. Could you make sure that he can't take anything that's really important to you? Maybe put it in your car and take the car to work?

hi just checking in. with the packing focus on making sure he doesnt take your computer or any documents. it sounds like anything sentimental he would leave anyway.

can you get him to leave his back door keys so that once gone you can bolt the front door and use the back door if you think he might let himself in?

Doolallylally - sadly not. I don't think that would go down well. Plus he'll probably just go through stuff when I'm at work this week. He packed up some stuff last night, his clothes (!) are in a couple of boxes ready to go. He packed up his DVD/CD's and took those this morning to store at work (?)

It's just unnerving he could be looking through everything and I wouldn't know.

Graphista - I've turned a corner re: feeling guilty about taking him to the cleaners. He's proved he's not a friend - or a decent person - if he thinks selling the house in the next few months is in mine and DD's best interests. As my Dad said, email #2 is loaded towards HIS interests not mine and DD's.

Well I guess your case worker knows his stuff. I think I'd just tell DS to ask his Dad for money if he needs it, I don't need to get involved. although if DS gets a job that would help!

Re; OH taking things. Trouble is, as you all know, you never remember what you've got stashed away sometimes in cupboards/drawers etc...

I will talk to him about my computer. He won't take it no, but I want to make sure he's not using it for anything as it's private now. Unless I'm here supervising him. As for documents, well he hasn't even thought of his documents let alone mine!

The solicitor did come up with a solution to the keys problem, but it's an expensive one so I don't think it's viable! Our front door is just a key system there is no bolt etc.. We do have CCTV but he knows how to use that more than me so could wipe it! I'll just have to wing it re: the keys. His place is about an hour away still so he won't be popping back, that's the good thing.

you have come such a long way is a short time-well done. Please remebe he is not your friend and does not consider you his equal. Fight for every penny, you will need it for you and your DC's in the future.
Have you reminded him that he will need to pay child support for DD from the day he moves out?

Yeah sure, he's storing his stuff at work

I'd take all your documents are store them at your sisters /fathers house if I were you. No need to tell DH, just spirit them away.

And I'd take photo copies /scans / photos of all his documents too. Like pay slips, tax returns , bank statements, pension, all house documents, car and bike registration documents .

Don't ask you solictor about this as they will say not to. But remember that nothing of value he has bought in the last 20 years is HIS, it belongs to both of you, it's all part of the pot.

Make a note of household thinhs he's taking away ( apart from his clothes etc ) Count the number of CDs , take of a note of computer details, make and model etc . If you don't know, take detailed photos.

You can trade off the value of these.

Don't tell him any of this , just do it.

Remember that second hand furniture has a very very Iow value. sometimes you have to pay to have someone take it away.

So he might act like he's doing you a favour by leaving you the fur tire and household effects, but the value of what he's taking away is probably much higher. I'm assuming it's a lap top, desk top, tablet, phone, lots and lots of expendive games, a PS4 etc.

I suspect my house is bigger than yours and all the electronics here are worth far more than the furniture . Not what they would cost to replace, but how much they would be valued at.

The value of these things are not worth spending lawyers fees on, but it's good to have this information on file, you never know when you need it.

And BTW no one here has told you to take him to the cleaners. They have just advised you to get a fair settlement which takes account of the fact you have the kids to support for a few years yet and your earning power has been decreased by the fact that you cared for him and brought up the kids.

As your lawyer told you, he doesn't get 50% of the assets in this situation.

I may have mentioned the cleaners! By which I meant to take her DH for absolutely everything that she's entitled to!

As far as your computer is concerned, I hope you have secure passwords on it, so he can't use it. If you don't know how to do that ask someone who does know. The last thing you want is him snooping. I wouldn't speak to him about it because that might give him the heads up that there's something on there you don't want him to see. You just can't be sure he wouldn't look if you're not around.

Has someone already mentioned changing the locks when he leaves? I would definitely suck up the cost and do that, just for piece of mind. Once he's gone it's your home and you don't want him coming and going as he pleases.

Yes, I can see that taking the time off work would be a problem, it was just a thought. Anyway, do lock anything away securely that you don't want him to have.

The other thing to consider is to insist he moves out when you're there, so you can oversee everything is fair. He won't like the idea but why should he decide everything?

Apparently there are good videos on you tube which explain how to change a lock. If only you knew someone who worked in a DIY store who could get you staff discount .......

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I only came across your thread today (sicky in bed).

There's quite a difference in your posting towards the end of your thread. At the start, you seemed resigned to whatever STBXH would throw at you, your more recent posts are more fiery and determined. Direct that anger, use it to your advantage.

STBXH isn't mindful of your's and DCs' well-being, so there's no need to consider what's best for him. And if you can think of you and he as separate entities, (I notice you still use "we" a lot) it will help you to step back. He does not have your's and DCs best interests at heart. Not one bit. And you don't need his permission, or have to wait for him to decide what's best for him.

I hope you find a good counsellor, it will be a journey (not always easy, mind), and will open your eyes. I also hope your lawyer is SH, and will properly fight your corner. If you don't feel they're a SHL, keep looking, asking for recommendations.

Some brilliant advice and support, Kr1stana in particular, IMO.

Good luck on your journey, itsover.

Kr1stina - oh, when I say 'take him to the cleaners' it's just an expression for me. I want fair and what he's suggested so far is NOT fair. It's loaded towards him and him alone. I will be taking everything into account now. Before email #2 I was leaning into not taking that stance, but now? Yep.

Re: child maintenance - I will see the solicitor before mentioning that. He'll get snippy about it if I mention it and I can't do with the hassle. An official letter from a solicitor would be better I feel.

He won't touch my documents of mine. He's only touched his documents as I've given them to him. All his payment details he's taken. His car and bike stuff is also gone. He's packed it all up and is 'storing' it at work. It's like he thinks I'm from planet smurf or something!

I will be looking tonight into changing the password on the pc.

I will be sorting the tax credits form tomorrow, including a letter to backdate it to the beginning of this month. If I'm reading right I don't need to include my wages for this month until the next time I fill the details in after Apr 2017.

RubbishMantra - thanks. I've opened my eyes A lot since the start of this thread. Mainly as OH is taking the piss now!

I'm not going to mention the emails he sent, I'm going to see the solicitor and let them send correspondence. I will be seeing the same one as before and will then decide if she'll be good enough. I've never dealt with a solicitor before so it's uncharted territory for me. If he asks me before he leaves about the emails then I'll just say I'm still thinking and will be in touch.

I'm still waiting for the counsellor stuff to come through. It'll be a week tomorrow since the guy said he was seeing his boss so..... I'm getting impatient!

If he asks me before he leaves about the emails then I'll just say I'm still thinking and will be in touch

Good plan. Resist the urge to point out what a selfish git he is.

< waves > to rubbish mantra . Hope you are ok my dear.

itsovernow1

I'm so impressed as you're coming across as someone who has found some inner strength and is coping incredibly well.

Credit too to MN and the ladies on here, as this thread is MN at its very best.

Kr1stina - if I speak to him about it then it will not be pleasant! For his sake, a solicitor is the way to go!

Doolallylally - well I'm trying! Having a Sis (& BIL) and Dad who won't take sh*t then it helps!

All the ladies and gents (I assume?) here have good seasoned advice.

Apparently OH is trying to spare my feelings by packing up when I'm not here. He thinks it would be insensitive! I did remind him I've given him most of the stuff he's packed as I've gone through the cupboards!

Quick note on the tax credits, I'd speak to them over the phone, usually if there will be a big difference between what you earned last financial year and what you expect to earn this financial year then you'd give an estimate over the phone to minimize overpayment and they'd adjust the following years payments to set things right if necessary. Though of course your earnings prior to April won't be huge just because you have only just started.

Likewise, in April, you'd want to let them know you expect to earn more in 2017-18 because the previous year only covered a small portion of you working. Last years income definitely is what they want on the form, but letting them know the change of circumstances over the phone stops your payments going far wrong.

ThirdThoughts - Yeah, I think I will have to speak to them, I want to make sure I get it right. I can't finish the form until I get my payslip. I would just go to HR for the info, but I go in after she's left and leaving notes in her inbox doesn't always work.
I'll probably get it all ready, talk to them on the phone and then fill in on Monday/Tuesday when I get the payslip so I can send off asap.

The number they give gets charged normal rate I assume? I have a phone plan but not sure if those types of calls are covered. I'll have to check!

Have checked the phone number and yeah it's part of my monthly plan so that's good.
Have had the council tax thing through. Had to set up a new direct debit but that's OK. Got a rebate for Feb and March.

Sounds like you are on top of everything and doing brilliantly. Well done.

Naicehamshop - I don't feel like I'm on top of things. When I cross something off the list I feel good but then remember the other stuff to do. And even though he's moving out it's not over. Still a long way to go.