Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

You helped him pack - I bet he wasn't expecting that!

Definitely all correspondence through your solicitor and good idea to let her have copies of his emails.

Selling the house just because he says so isn't how it works. He won't like it but the credit cards are going to have to wait until your daughter is safely settled at uni or earning an income of her own. He will just have to make miniumum payments on the cards for now - he won't want a DMP because it would trash his credit file and make getting a mortgage very difficult for him.

Do you have cards in your name? If so, make sure they are up to date with payments. Don't worry about his - he can worry about them.

Ah , so DS takes after you and not his dad

You are doing really well, coping with all this on top of a new job. Which you must be doing well at, or they would have let you go by now. Companies are ruthless these days.

When do you get to see your counsellor ?

Hope Tuesday goes ok , I know it will be sad remembering your mum but glad you and your dad will be together.

Excellent ideas to do some housepainting, I hope you are going for something light and bright to match your new future ! Do get the kids to help .

Yes itsover, chill and have a good evening. It's good to have support from your family and it sounds like your lovely Dad and Sister are looking out for you all.

Definitely all correspondence through your solicitor and good idea to let her have copies of his emails.

Selling the house just because he says so isn't how it works. He won't like it but the credit cards are going to have to wait until your daughter is safely settled at uni or earning an income of her own. He will just have to make miniumum payments on the cards for now - he won't want a DMP because it would make getting a mortgage very difficult for him.

Do you have cards in your name? If so, make sure payments are up to day. Don't worry about his cards - he can worry about them.

Ooops posted twice! Thought I had lost the first one and typed it all out again.

Ooops posted twice! Thought I had lost the first one and typed it all out again.

notangelinajolie - I don't think he expected me to get things out so quickly! I like tidying so it was fun for me!

I will fight selling the house until DD is at least 18. That wouldn't be fair to any of us still living there if we had to sell before that. It's his choice to leave so quickly.

I have one card in my name with credit on it. I have changed the log-in details so I can check they're being paid (by direct debit). We miss a payment and we go back to the higher interest rate.

Kr1stina - I am waiting to receive the letter from the counselling place. The guy I saw was seeing his boss last Wednesday where they discuss the best course of treatment. Hopefully I'll get a letter soon. OH still hasn't had his counselling either. I asked last night during his 'meltdown' and he said he'd contacted the place through work. I feel that won't happen. He'll ignore it again..... his problem not mine.

I like decorating, well until you have to move things back! It'll be fun. And fresh.

Very good idea about the decorating - as well as freshening things up it'll help to expunge Mr Headuphisownarse...

LOL! Headuphisownarse. That's a new one! I read another one on mumsnet the other day - cockwomble!

Yeah, a fresh coat of paint will work wonders. Been wanting to do it for yrs. I will wait until the weather gets a bit warmer to do it though, then search out someone to look after the dog. Has to be local really as the dog gets car sick! Easier if I can walk him there!

There's a few things that have been taken down/moved around over the years so once they're filled in and a coat of paint has been applied it should look great. The stairs should be fun! I will be either hiring a proper stair ladder or purchasing one, last time OH was dangling over the banisters trying to do above the stairwell. I will NOT be doing that!

If I'm still there (hopefully!) in 3 months I get a discount through work so that'll be handy for painting supplies! It won't cost a fortune anyway as we have all the rollers/brushes etc. Just paint and maybe a new clock. Washing the curtains should be fun! They're so bad, the patio door ones should have been cleaned ages ago. Dry clean only though. oh well. Has to be done.

I do need to sort out the new gas hob soon though. After this week is finished and OH has moved out I will look into that. Buying the cheapest most basic one from Currys is OK, a hob is a hob! Then getting the gas guy to fit it (my Sis gave me the number of the guy she uses, he wouldn't still be walking if he wasn't good!).

You are putting me to shame with your decorating enthusiasm! I need to do our stairwell but I'm thinking of wimping out and getting someone in to do it (for the first time ever ).

Few things I'm thinking:

1 You need a better solicitor, ask friends and family who've divorced for recommendations/who NOT to use or give rough idea of your area on divorce board I'm sure someone there will recommend someone good.

Your current one sounds passive and misinformed. Child maintenance is payable according to cms through uni years too.

2 don't use the same bank as you're using now, with debts in play they can withdraw money from any account you hold there to pay them off.

3 have you checked entitled to site? You may in addition to tax credits and council tax single person discount, be entitled to council tax benefit, income support, free school meals and uniform grant for dd.

Naicehamshop - well I have the enthusiasm NOW, maybe not so much when I actually need to do it!

Graphista -
According the CMS website I can't find any hint that maintenance is paid through university. It's not further education, it's higher education. If you can find proof I'd be interested to know, but every thread online I can find points to maintenance stopping at 18 after A-levels.

I will be looking to take OH's name off the joint account, and as I thought, he needs to either come with me or we write a letter and both sign it. I will be emailing him (to keep it simple) to ask this.

Changing bank accounts is a tricky one as we have quite a few credit cards with debts on them! If OH doesn't agree to come off the joint one I will look into changing accounts to a different bank and doing a switch so they close the account. (if that's possible without OH's consent).

I will check the 'entitled to' site yes.

Now I am going to email my details to the council to put the 1 adult deduction in motion, Then I may phone some estate agents to ask for a free valuation. Both OH and I think this is a good idea so we know how much equity we're talking about. 'Guessing' isn't a good idea.

I think you are right, it's over

www.gov.uk/when-child-maintenance-payments-stop

He only has to support DD until she sits her a levels , as long as she's under 20.

I've checked for other benefits and I don't qualify. So working/child tax credits and council tax reduction is everything.

I've booked a couple of estate agent free valuations this morning for later in the week. They can try all the hard sell they like, won't make any difference!

I'm concerned with OH that if I don't want to sell until DD is at least 18 he'll stop paying the mortgage. I know that would be stupid as his credit rating would be affected (as I can't pay it) but the way he's acting right now I could see it happening. It seems he wants it done as quickly as possible - to get rid of the debts. That to me is silly. Getting rid of the debts could also happen if we overpaid (if it's affordable every month that is). But god forbid he does that.

He's keen to sell the house now because it represents the past to him. He wants to leave everything behind - marriage, house, kids, dog, debt. He thinks he can walk away from his past and wash his hands of the kids now the youngest is 16.

Its not a rational or practical decision, it's just a fantasy in his head.

That's why he just wants to move out with his clothes , gadgets and CDs. In his head he's a teenager off to uni. He doesn't need furniture or screwdrivers or garden furniture or Christmas decorations or a loo brush - mum can deal with all these boring things.

He's a free spirit #deluded

www.gov.uk/when-child-maintenance-payments-stop

That's where it says up to 20 if in full time education plus I asked my case worker and he confirmed that included uni.

The problem with having your new bank account at the same bank as you do now they can take money from an account you have that's in credit to pay off debts they don't even have to give you notice. In your case I'm worried that could apply to debts legally joint with soon to be ex. You don't have to close the account you have now just open a new one at another bank for your wages etc to go into. I'd recommend a savings account too better still an account at a credit union in case you need low cost borrowing in the future.

Kr1stinas post at 1430 is spot on! He's living in a (rose tinted honeymoon period based?) fantasy land!

Kr1stina - I think you're right yeah. My Sis reckons he's having some kind of mental thing going on. He seems to think that if we sell the house - read: clear the debts - that it'll be OK. He wants to wipe out 20 yrs of marriage.

He's not thinking of our DD (or DS), unless he thinks he can get his mortgage and then she'll live with him. I know DS would when home from Uni.

He's not even thinking of child maintenance. Which would blow his plan out of the water - he outlined he had about £240 per month of disposable income left after paying me all the bill money. If he owes the £88 per week of CM then that's about £400 per month! He can't afford that. He hasn't bargained for it.

In email 2 outlining the financials/house he also said if:

"We could view it that we have lived as separate people for some considerable time cohabiting and bringing up two children. By agreeing this we would remove the two year delay to a divorce...."

So he's thought of everything. I hadn't even considered back dating things like that. Even though its probably true.

I'm also sure he wants things resolved quickly so he can sort his own place out, rather than living in a pokey room for another 18 months at least.

Graphista - Uni is a choice though, classed as higher education. Not covered by CB or CM. Every thing online points to that. Where did your case worker get the info from? I won't be chasing him for that for DS any way. If DS wants money he'll ask. You can go to court for maintenance to cover Uni. But I doubt that's a good idea - and expensive.

www.separateddads.co.uk/what-age-do-child-maintenance-payments-stop.html

Have you applied for tax credits yet? I applied even though he is still living here as they said if we were living separately, sleeping separately I could. He is just like a lodger here until he finds a suitable flat. You can get it backdated too but only for around a month so if you phone them & tell them the date of separation is the date of that first email you will get a backdated amount.

I am filling in the paperwork tomorrow. It's very confusing! I'm not good with paperwork like official forms, I get worried and make mistakes. (filling them in wrong etc...)
I phone them after they've received the forms I assume? (sounds a silly question I know!)

I don't get my wages until Tuesday so I'm confused what to put down on the tax form. I don't want to put too little as I did overtime. I can't work out the overtime as I don't know what rate they use. I may have to wait until Tuesday before actually finishing the form.
I don't know any of the employer details apart from name! Are they usually on the pay slip? (they weren't when I last did a job!) Like pay office address.
I know it's based on the last tax yr which was £0 for me. I'm confused already and I've only just skimmed through the form!

I would recommend making the application by phone if you can? Then they can answer questions as you go along?
If not yes your income from last year will be zero. Your pay details are usually on your wage slip yes. I don't think I was asked for pay office address & I've not long completed an application but if you need you could call your works HR office. Anything else just ask or call them, I found them really helpful.

Just catching up after his oh so important emails. Sorry (but not surprised) to see he's trying to dictate terms to you.

Do you see how important it is that you make sure his pension and everything is included in the marital assets, as well as the possibility of him paying spousal maintenance. You can then use your claim to them to negotiate a larger share of the house/smaller share of the debts (which may already be a very small share as he is the one with the salary to service them).

I know a woman on another thread is talking about buying her ex out of his share of the house and extending the mortgage term to make it affordable. Whether this is or isn't a possibility for you, try not to worry too much about the house at the moment as you don't know how much will be yours, or how much you'll be earning by the time this is all sorted out - which may be more on your timescale than his.

Get a shit hot lawyer pronto, you need someone on your side who knows their stuff.

Also, he might have been considering himself separated for the past two years, but that isn't necessarily your experience, as he has only just plucked up the courage to tell you now. I wouldn't agree to that lie without advice from your SHL because it just helps him speed things up to his preferred timescale, it doesn't necessarily benefit you or the children to pretend the last two years of marriage didn't exist. You might have made different choices over the past two years if you had considered the relationship over.

If the criteria of living as if separated is how much of a selfish distracted git he's been over the last two years, you might estimate that 'effective' separation as a good deal longer...

Hotwaterbottle1 - I may well end up doing that yes! I'll see what I can fill in and how confused we get tomorrow. I may fill it in and then phone them anyway.

ThirdThoughts - I honestly didn't think he was like this. Guess that shows how much I know huh! OH has already poo poo'd the idea of me having the mortgage on my own. He wants the debts gone, the only way to do that is sell the house.

I was hoping that for the next 6 months I could relax a little. Go to work, gain some confidence, relax. Seems I was wrong.

He has obviously been talking to somebody about this (coughTheLesbianBFFcough) shame he didn't talk to me! It just seems like he wants this to end asap. No matter how we do it. Selfish little git.

He's unfollowed all my family and friends on FB too. Don't think they're bothered but there you go.

It's good that you're seeing him as a selfish little git, if you don't mind me saying so! Good that is, as it will spur you on in putting you and your children first in your divorce settlement.

My advice is to fight for everything you can, you owe it to yourself and the kids. I can assure you that when this is all over and you've both moved on, if you've not secured the very best for yourself and your kids you will definitely regret it. He doesn't deserve any of your consideration over this. He wants the divorce, he wants to sell the house, he wants to settle debts to suit him, he wants to call the shots, he wants, he wants.....

A shit hot solicitor is what you need and take the selfish little git to the cleaners.