Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Kr1stina

It might help you if you could work out why you feel guilty.
True. I am the type that no matter what happens with things I feel there's something I've done wrong (and have here, I know that, I have my issues too) and could have done differently. Plus I know he has worked hard for his family, that part is very true.

Your husband of 20 years wants to walk out on you, his kids, his dog and his debts. There's probably someone else. And yet YOU feel guilty.

Well, if there is someone else then good luck to them. I, at this point, can't work out whether there is or not. OH is hard work.

I wonder if you feel bad because for 20 years your life has been focussed on what HE wants. And now this bunch of vipers on MN are saying " wait a minute, it's not about him, it's about the kids . And you count too"

Not sure about that, I'm just the type of person who feels bad if I say no to someone when they ask me to do something! I haven't said no to the boss at work yet for O/T, when really I should have at least one (when I wasn't ready and hadn't done dinner yet!)

The kids may not be tiny but they won't be financially independent for at least 5 years. He doesn't get to walk away with impunity.

I do think he knows that, deep down, but hasn't realised how the finances will work. He's just going about this the wrong way IMO.

And you have given up your career to facilitate his, so you are entitled ( legally and morally ) to a share of that.

Well, at the beginning yes, and he's never pushed me to get a job (knowing my issues) but that's MY issue, I should have got a job myself. I've dug the hole deeper. That I accept. BUT he could have listened to me re: the debts etc.. but didn't, he knows best kind of attitude.

These are very hard things for you to hear but deep down you know we are right. You are a good person, you have been a good wife and mother. You don't deserve this.

I've done my best. I've been challenging that's for sure! I've had issues, and still do, but I feel he hasn't helped those issues when he could have done or I've asked.

You are not lazy, stupid or helpless yet he has made you feel that way by the way he has treated you. And it's not fair.

I don't mind hard work. And should have done it yrs ago. Hopefully I can build on my job now and have any counselling that I need.

As someone said, when you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression . Your H is used to priviledge and now you are asking him to consider others. He feels confused and attacked and that you are being unreasonable .

I suspect this feels like opression to him and you feel that you are being mean and unfair and a bitch.

This morning I did ask for the emails, I don't want to be kept hanging and he did take offence to it.

The fact that the law sees you as equal and the kids as his responsibility will have come as a big shock to him.

No idea on that, but whatever he was doing last night, that supposedly upset him that he needed to talk to his BFF, certainly made an impact.

Well I got email 1 this morning. outlining his plan to move out and what he'll take. Pretty much as expected. He wants his clothes, DVDs, some towels/sheets (single bed apparently), wash stuff, his PC, his breakfast glass and coffee mugs and that's about it. He can have his plate though. He doesn't like using other dinner plates so can have that one, it's old and I don't want it!

I've started going through things though and there's a pile of stuff on the coffee table that he can take! That's me though, once I know something is happening I jump into action. I even gave him a wooden elephant ornament thing that is on one of the lounge shelves! He said he hadn't thought of that. I don't want it. His mum gave it to him as well so.... I have given him a pic of the kids (in a frame) though. He won't think of that and I think that's important. For them more than him.

He needs to go through the DVD's and CD's at some point. I've done a few in the downstairs unit (and some books) but the rest are mostly upstairs. As I said he can have those, I don't watch the same type of films he does. Although I will check what he takes.
He doesn't really have much household'y stuff, it's mainly electronic/electrical stuff.

He's planning to leave next Tuesday, going to work as normal and taking the afternoon off to move into his new room. He'll pack the car the night before ready to go in the morning as normal. I don't start work until 8 on Mondays, although if I get called in for O/T I will be saying no, as I'm also out for lunch with my Dad that day (5th anniv of my mum passing) so won't want to rush into work early.

We had another awkward convo this morning, after I asked for the emails as I was in limbo land, he mentioned that anything I ask for, even if he shows me, it'll never bee enough. I'll always want more.
He was talking about the room agreement. He said the one he sent by email a few weeks ago, the copy & paste crap jobby, was proof. I said um, no, that's something I could have found on the internet! That's not a real signed agreement with details on. He doesn't see it that way. In his mind he has provided proof! I've given up on seeing anything and just walked off.

I mentioned to the solicitor that I was concerned he was putting stuff on the credit card, namely the fees for the room rental. I told her that OH had said there were no fees and even the SOL looked at me and said there are always fees! So even the SOL thinks that weird he wasn't charged anything for renting a room. She even said there were checks they needed to do which have fees attached.

I am eagerly awaiting Email 2. He said he's try to get it out today. He'd 'stay up until midnight if he needed to'. Yeah right, like watching a film or playing a game is going to help that!

God. Control, control, control, control.

He keeps you waiting for his emails to let you know what he has decided is going to happen. He tells you when he is going and what he is taking with him. If you question anything he gets angry and tells you that you are being unreasonable.

I think you've been in this situation for so long that you don't see how wrong it is. I would say get angry, except it's probably too late now as he will be leaving so soon, but give yourself permission to be angry and be ready to unleash it if he starts pissing you about in the future!

I am steaming here on your behalf!!

Haha! Oh I've told him he's controlling things. He didn't like that. I do see it as wrong but nothing I can really do. I can keep asking but that doesn't always get me anywhere. I will have email 2 before the end of today. That's more about finances and the future...

Believe me I am angry. But with DD in the house I don't want to make it too awkward. It's not fair on her. But I have been getting angry, the convos we have had haven't been pleasant. He just won't give me answers to anything. I ask him a question and it's a case of 'why?' or 'no'. Frustrating doesn't cover it!

After the pile of stuff on the coffee table, he took it upstairs to pile in his room and then we went through everything but the clothes upstairs. Not sure whether he was expecting me to go through it so quickly but we did. I even took a couple of pictures off the wall!

Whether DD and I stay here long term or not I will be decorating downstairs (and up the stairs as we're open plan all the way) at Easter. It hasn't been done for at least 10 yrs I reckon and it's a mess, tired. It's a job he hates so we never do it unless I make the first move. Well now it's up to me. Need to get sorted with someone to look after the dog for 2 days/1 night but hopefully that won't be hard. That way I can get started on most of it and decorate the rest with the dog around.

Even if we do move in the next yr, freshening it up will surely help sell it. Plus it will make me feel better. A new start so to speak. Putting what pictures I want on the wall! The colour I want on the walls! (he wouldn't stop me with colours as such but you still have to consult someone, whereas now I don't! Well maybe DD but it won't be a big say!)

TheCakes Tax Credits are not moving over to Universal Credit??? Only Benefits are. Tax Credits are HMRC not DWP

Well email 2 has arrived.
OH has agreed to pay all the bills by transferring a set amount of money into our joint account for the foreseeable future - which tbh I will go in and enquire about changing account over to my name only. Or if not will have to use my sole account for payments.

He wants to sell the house at some point, but he'd rather it was sooner than later so we can clear the credit card debt. That seems to be the theme in the email. The credit card debt.

He also states that the court would reject anything that gives one of us 'full financial benefit from the sale of the house'. The equity would be split with me getting a larger share. Neither of us can walk away with nothing apparently.

Tbh the email makes me feel sick. It's very 'solicitor speak' although he says he didn't get help writing it.

I will pay for food for me & dd, petrol and tax for my car. That's all he expects me to pay and anything else I have left over I can do with what I please, same as him.

So basically he hasn't thought about what I do after we sell the house, which he'd prefer (as I said) sooner rather than later. Where am I supposed to go? Where is DD going to go? Even if I get a bigger share of the equity it wouldn't be enough to secure a home, it would be renting for life. He's OK, he can get another mortgage. What about me?!

No mention of his pension. No mention of anything regarding maintenance for DD.

I don't know what to do now.

I totally agree with you MrsKeats! I've lived alone for 17 years and now a single mother. I could NEVER EVER EVERRRR live off a man!!! Having to useHIS income to buy my clothes and underwear? Helllll no!!!

And £42k on credit cards? Is that even possible?!?!?!?

TreacleTreacleLittleStar - unfortunately yes it is possible.
And I'm glad you're living your life your way. We don't all do the right thing at the time. Hindsight is a great thing.

bloodypassword I agree, I'm on Duloxetine & Buprenorphine Patches. Though I'm still regularly on brink of suicide but that's due to recent events. My day to day depression is all but gone thanks to my medication x

Itsovernow1 - Ignore them people getting at you! Just trolls.

NOT EVERY JOB IS SUITED TO EVERYONE!!

There is no point in taking on a job that you can't do emotionally/physically! It makes a lot more sense to do something you're likely to stick at!

Good luck x

I think you need a shit hot solicitor. I don't know if the one you have been to see fits the bill but how did they seem?

You really do need to fight your ex for everything you're entitled to for yourself and your DD. Do not let him dictate to you and do not agree to anything.

It's good that he's moving out soon. I would definitely conduct all further correspondence through your solicitor. His emails are inappropriate and he is clearly trying to control you and your finances. You cannot go forward on his terms.

Itsover, try not panic. Few practical things you can do right now.

Have you checked if you are entitled to tax credits, child maintenance or income support?

TreacleTreacleLittleStar - thank you. I am hoping for good things for the future, but his emails have sent me a step back. I will be hoping to get a different full time job at some point, right now I need to keep myself in check and deal with my issues so then I can give everything to new employment.

Doolallylally - The SOL seemed reasonable. It was only an hour so difficult to judge but she seemed open to ideas we gave her.

Sadly fighting for it seems inevitable now.
I'm concerned how he thinks uprooting DD while she's doing college exams (for the next 18 months) is a good idea. Then where we're going to live?! He doesn't seem to have a clue.

My Sis and I both think the lesbian BFF helped write the email. The ones OH writes and this email #2 are so different it's unbelievable. I think he thinks I should be grateful he's paying the bills. I am, believe me, otherwise it would be worse. But his emails don't give a time frame, just an 'I think we should do this sooner' crap answer. He does say I should take a few days to think about what he's written.

Hotwaterbottle1 - while DD is under 18 and in education I can get child tax credits yes. As I'm doing 16 hrs per week with a child (as above) I can get working tax credits. But those would stop once DD is 18, so good for now but I need FT work further down the line (which I want). Or a second job to take it to 32 hrs - where working tax credits would kick in again I believe.

My SOL said while DD is under 18 and in full time education I would be entitled to child maintenance yes. But I don't think OH has thought of that (or his 1/2hr free SOL didn't mention either). That would be about £88 per week according to the online calculator. (which would take him over his left over allowance he predicts.)
No to income support. Although I will check again.

Yes - get your solicitor on to this asap. He doesn't get to decide everything. I think that the idea of all correspondence through the solicitor may be a good one, but discuss with solicitor. Speak to your dsis and df as well - they may have some good thoughts.

And remember, just because he wants something to happen doesn't mean that it's right or set in stone - fight your ground. He is relying on you going along with his ideas. About time he woke up and smelt the coffee.

Naicehamshop - Sis suggested emailing his email #2 to the SOL. She's not back in her office until Tuesday when she'll email me a receipt for payment and details. I think I need to use her services yes.

I've spoken to Sis and she's a little annoyed! I will speak to Dad tomorrow. Not sure what they can suggest to help but they try. Plus keep gong on about it to them feels a little wrong. They've got their own things going on.

Naice has it spot on, what he says doesn't automatically go. Best bet is not to respond and send the email to your solicitor. Only respond after advice. This time is crucial in getting the best for your DC.

I think a polite letter to your ex from your solicitor is needed. Get them to tell your ex to stop harassing you with emails and in future to conduct all correspondence through his solicitor.

I'm glad you have the email, so you can see what he's thinking. Doesn't mean he's going to get it of course but it's a starting point.

I think you need to ask for some advice on the divorce boards as the ladies there are very knowledgeable. Surely he has to pay child suport for DD and for DS, as they are still both in FT education ? Though I suspect he has to pay it to DS direct. I'm sorry I don't know much about English law.

Anddont worry about him asking you to sell the house, no court will insist on that now with DD only 16 and in ( I assume ) 6th form college.

I know that you MUST have the money he pays paid into your sole account and not a joint one. You need to sort that out right now.

And are you behind on any utilities and council tax ? Make sure that he knows he's liable for this too, don't get any accounts in arrears transferred over to your sole name unless solicitor says so.

What about council tax - have you notified them that's he's Leaving and of his new address and claimed the 25% reduction ?

Have you checked to see if you are entitiled to any in work benefits ?

Sorry I hadn't refreshed the thread and I see you have already answered some of my points

I think advice from a really good divorce lawyer is your best bet, rather than asking on here. Having said that, there is a lot of good advice on here but it's limited. There's also a lot of support for you. I'm most certainly routing for you and I think you've done incredibly well so far.

I won't be responding to the email at all yet. I won't even mention it.

I am speaking to my Dad tomorrow and then seeing him Tuesday (when my sis will also be there but probably won't stay the whole time). I need help with the tax credits forms, another pair of eyes so to speak, and we can talk about this as well.

The solicitor will contact me on Tuesday by email and I'll go from there.
Child maintenance is only for DD yes, DS is too old. Uni is not education as it's voluntary.

All the bills are up-to-date. We haven't missed any payments at all for yrs.

I will be emailing the council tomorrow. They told me to do that, when I had all the information and also a Uni certificate to prove DS was on a full time course. I will give them 48hrs to reply and confirm they have it otherwise I will post it to make doubly sure!

I will be going to the bank tomorrow to ask about removing OH's name from the joint account. I think it can be done, with consent from OH, but all banks have different views on it.

The only benefits I can claim are child/working tax credits and the council reduction. I will check again but I think that's it.

Sadly I do feel sorry for him, he's obviously got deeper issues but I need to do the best for not only DD (and DS) but me. It's not all about him!

Oh and BTW don't agree anything with H.

Listen to what he says then give vague replies like " oh I'm not sure, I'll think about it ", " I don't know whats for the best " and " it's a lot to take in " . Just look confused and sad.

Agree to nothing without getting legal advice. But don't tell him that's what you are doing. Don't give him the heads up that you are going to fight this.

Try not to get too upset about what a shit he's being, foucs on getting all the paperwork sorted out. Can you cancel things you don't need or can't afford, like the Sky subscription ?

Has the solicitor told you how to divide up the debt so you can start sorting out your bit?

Money saving expert site is great and will keep you busy all night.

It would be interesting for you to know exactly how much he's obliged to pay towards his debts ( like the mortgage which he still owes even if he doesn't live there ) and child support etc. Compared to how much Mr Generous is actually giving you.

And is he giving DS money directly ? Make sure he's not saying to him " oh I'm giving all your money to mum so ask her " .

I'll make a thread on the divorce board tomorrow. Tonight I need to chill! My head is spinning again.

I know what he says doesn't automatically go (and I think he knows that to) but it's seeing what he thinks written down, it's a shock. My dad also pointed out he spelled something wrong so it's not even a legal saying! He's dyslexic so he does get things wrong.
*Without predigest.... he didn't google that apparently. I didn't even notice.

Kr1stina

Oh and BTW don't agree anything with H.

Oh I won't be. I won't be saying anything ... yet.

Listen to what he says then give vague replies like " oh I'm not sure, I'll think about it ", " I don't know whats for the best " and " it's a lot to take in " . Just look confused and sad.

LOL! well I feel like that anyway so won't be hard to act!

Agree to nothing without getting legal advice. But don't tell him that's what you are doing. Don't give him the heads up that you are going to fight this.

nope, I won't be saying anything to him.

Try not to get too upset about what a shit he's being, focus on getting all the paperwork sorted out. Can you cancel things you don't need or can't afford, like the Sky subscription ?

I cancelled the SKY subscription and the DVD rental. If I can get a good deal for SKY I'll reconnect as DD and I do watch it more than normal channels(only basic no movies/sport). The rest of the bills are household necessity's like gas/elec/TV licence and my life insurance, car stuff, petrol, phone plan for me, food. OH is the one with other insurances that cost (to cover redundancy etc..). Now he has his room rent and food, petrol, car stuff, phone plans for OH,DS,DD etc..

Has the solicitor told you how to divide up the debt so you can start sorting out your bit?

No, as it's joint marital debt we didn't get that far and into the nitty gritty. My part is on a great rate actually. 6.9% for life, all transferred from higher % cards. Not 0% but it's going down pretty well. Better than the 18/19% before!

Money saving expert site is great and will keep you busy all night.

Oh I've been on there for years and yes it's good.

It would be interesting for you to know exactly how much he's obliged to pay towards his debts ( like the mortgage which he still owes even if he doesn't live there ) and child support etc. Compared to how much Mr Generous is actually giving you.

well he will be paying for everything for the foreseeable future but yes I want to know how long he has to pay if we don't sell the house. And I want it in writing that any debt accrued after the date he leaves isn't joint. He hasn't figured on child maintenance at all by the looks of things.

And is he giving DS money directly ? Make sure he's not saying to him " oh I'm giving all your money to mum so ask her " .

he doesn't give DS money no, if DS asks we help but he hasn't had to yet. He's managing.