Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Glad meeting went ok and you liked the solicitor.

I'm sure she will have told you that his pension over the last 20 years is a martial asset as much as the house. All the assets and the debts will go in the pot and be divided up. So you can trade off his pension for a bigger share of the house if you want.

Don't put the timing of the divorce in his control, because you know he will procrastinate and make you upset. Either decide to wait for the year of separation or go ahead yourself. Your lawyer will advise.

I think you need to assume that nothing will get done until you do it. you need to take back control over your own life, as much as you can at the moment.

You are doing really really well BTW.

I think you are a very strong person and you are doing so well. BUT please think why are you allowing him to divorce you? If you divorce him you will be in control. Also please think very carefully about his pension. It could make a massive difference to you long term to have a share. After 20 years of bringing up you DCs, who are also his, you have helped to build it up.

I have to say that the advice from Kr1stina is definitely worth taking.

Kr1stina - yeah she explained the pensions thing. I personally don't want a share. Or spousal maintenance. She did say it could be traded for more of the house share.
My dad has ideas of his own to resolve this, but it would involve him using some of his own money, which although would solve things I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with that. He already bailed us out to buy this place years ago. Not sure OH would go for what my dad suggested either.

Re: the divorce. I just think we could agree but he would be the one to file. I don't think he wants to wait either. I'd have to find a few things on the unreasonable behaviour thing (which I guess I could do). I may well go down that route of doing it myself though. depends on what his 'plans' are and whether I want to put up with it. It would certainly surprise him if I did tell him I want a divorce ASAP.

Work went well again. Getting the swing of things. A bowling night might be on the agenda, through work (not just the night group).

Glad to hear that work is sounding positive.

He would drive me round the bend with all his emailing and having to be in charge of the divorce process. He actually sounds like a very controlling person - very passive people are often controlling. It would certainly give him a shock if you took charge of things.

Finally have my old number on my new phone. 3 store visits, 3 online chats and it changed over in 2 hrs after customer services phone call.

Naicehamshop - He's definitely controlling things right now. I can make my own plans on paper and in my head but I can't move forward until he tells me what the hell he's doing. I've text him this morning, as he's supposedly as 'work', to ask him to get a move on with these emails outlining his plans. I'm in limbo land once again.

No doubt he'll think I'm trying to rush him or control the situation but he's actually had longer to think about this than I have, given he is the one who started this separation crap. HE should have thought of all this before asking for a separation and deciding when he was/is moving out.

p.s. I don't care where he is as long as he's not adding to our debts. It's actually very relaxed at home when he's not here.

The solicitor did mention if we go forward with anything official that she needs a copy of the marriage cert. That got me thinking, so I took copies of the m cert and also OH's birth certs, just for reference. I then left his birth certs on the side for him to find this morning so he can 'file' them. I don't need them - but I did keep the m cert.
I'm ready to move on and by him (or me, don't care which) divorcing sooner rather than later it's a start.

These words from your posts stood out for me

I don't care where he is as long as he's not adding to our debts. It's actually very relaxed at home when he's not her

I'm ready to move on

Perhaps you should take control yourself and email him a list of what you will let him take with him. You decide what can leave the house, for example his personal belongings like clothes, toiletries, books, furniture for his bedroom. That might speed him up on responding.

I agree with Ewe although i appreciate that it's easier said than done.

Haha! Oh I should yes! That would surprise him. A list of his belongings....

Although I think I've already done that today. He text to say he was on his way home, I didn't check the time. Later on I decided to walk the dog, thinking OH won't be back for a while, well, how wrong I was! LOL! I left the house, walked up the road a little way and who do I see sitting in their car but OH! Whatever he was doing I don't know, but I guess he'd been answering his phone as he wasn't parked (kinda just 'stopped'). Although he had taken his seat belt off for some reason..... He was just too far away for me to see his face but I bet it was a picture! He definitely didn't expect me to see him! I stood still and he stopped beside me with the window open, I asked what he was doing and he didn't reply, I said you were stopped up there, he said 'yeah'. (enlightening convo!). So I just waved my arm said I don't care and walked off.

Wonder how many times he's done that in the past.... our house is round a small bend in the road so you can't see up it.

When I got home I went upstairs to ask him (politely) to answer me if I text him, just out of respect. Like a human being. I also said I hoped he found this morning helpful, he didn't reply. I did tell him I hope he hasn't added to the debts, he said no. Then I commented on about how he was paying for the solicitor. He admitted it didn't cost anything as he'd done the free 1/2 hr. I did tell him that won't help as you can look most of it up online.

My main reason was to ask about these emails. Bearing in mind when I went in his room he was watching something with headphones on ... he said he's done email 1 and wants to re-read it to make sure he's said everything he wants to say. Now I'm waiting for the damn email and he's watching movies on his PC...when he could be re-reading the damn thing to send to me! That's his priority. FFS.
*email 1 is about moving out and what he's taking etc...
I get the feeling he wanted to do the emails after seeing the solicitor.

Kr1stina - it is relaxed without him. I'm not bothered. Calm. To be honest when he is here (past and present) he's never actually 'here'.

When he's gone it'll will definitely be a case of 'out of sight out of mind'. Not the other one 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'! LOL!

I am concerned about the debts when he moves out though. Even if I pay for a lot of my/house stuff out of my wages I can't pay towards the debts so it's up to him to pay them. And not add to them.... anything he saves from me paying my fair share of the bills should go on the debts. But I have a feeling it won't.

We've paid (on the majority) the minimum payment for far too long and I can still see that happening. I've tried to up some payments, even by a fiver, to try to get them down quicker. This is why a DMP would have been a good idea, as even though we were making the min payments we weren't making them go down.
That's why divorce and financial settlement should be sooner rather than later.

Well, OH just came down the stairs, crying and saying he needed to get out of the house for a while - go for a drive. Can't tell whether he's playing me or not. He went out to the car (we have CCTV!) checked for something then came back muttering about his wallet... he seemed to have 'calmed' down by then. Went up stairs with his shoes on (I hate that!) and then left calmly.

No idea what he was doing upstairs. And I should feel sorry for him but all I can think of is I don't trust him....

Very strange... what the hell is he up to?

Sounds very suspicious - all that stuff earlier today; sitting in the car hidden out of sight of the house and now this. Bizarre.

I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him either. I think your BS detectors have become well developed over the past few weeks!

No clue what he's doing. But yeah I am very suspicious and confused. He could be meeting someone for all I know.
The whole day has been weird with him.

The solicitor gave me food for thought but also confused me. Things are so up in the air now and all this with OH am I not feeling my best. I had been getting better, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but now it's back a few steps.

Why does life have to get overly complicated?!

Hang on in there. The end of a marriage is never straight-forward but you are doing well. The new job is sounding good and you are making decisions and seeking advice. And your dad and sister sound fab. You're bound to have moments when you feel crappy. Let's hope you get those bloody emails soon! X

Thanks. I thought it was getting better but him acting like this has dented that.

Things look uncertain on the housing front now too. Back to square one.

He just came back. I called him on it. I said I hoped the phone calls helped. And he admitted he'd made a call. To the lesbian. (well I added that bit when he was going up the stairs and he sighed so...). So glad he's got a new best friend. She probably knows more about him in the 2 yrs she's known him than I do in 24 yrs of knowing him.

She's no lesbian.

I'm still confused why

1. You don't want any of his pension even though you are entitled to it
2. You are happy to take on half the debt even though you don't have to
3. You are worried about how to manage financially after he leaves yet you seem to be happy for himself to take 50% and you and two children to share the other 50%
4. You believe that you will be able to influence how he spends his money after he leaves, even though you have not been able to do that while you were together

I fear that you still believe that he is reasonable and fair and that if you ask for less than you and the children are entitled to, he will see how reasaonable you are being and cooperate.

I think he's upset today because he has learned some cold hard financial facts and how he can't just walk away from his debts and kids by leaving the marriage.

He's upset because he's learned some cold hard financial facts from the solicitor

Not having part of his pension means I could get more equity in the house.

Taking my share of the debt (in my name) would also mean more equity (there could be a plan there, my dad is full of ideas. He's planning to move and has some ideas of his own).

Oh I don't want him to take 50%. The solicitor said it would be more like 70/30 to me - that's at it stands now. Financially, even with 70/30, it will be difficult. Mainly as the debts and mortgage take a large chunk of the equity. But it's doable. Just scary. I think that's the issue. I'm scared. Unknown territory.

Actually your last point is very true. And that bothers me. But the solicitor did say that anything added to the debt after the date he leaves wouldn't be seen as joint and during a financial settlement he'd have to declare everything.

I'm concerned he's going to turn nasty yes. I actually want it to be amicable because all the nastiness doesn't help any of us. Trouble is with every passing day I'm feeling more nasty and annoyed. He's the one making this difficult not me.

I assume he was going through his emails to me upstairs when he came down crying. No idea why though. As you say could be because he's realised he's f*cked up. Too late now. This was his decision and he's got to see it through. I do wonder what advice the lesbian friend is giving him though.

*I don't want to sound rude when calling her 'the lesbian friend' but I obviously can't mention names.

I guess even though I can be a bitch sometimes, I'm not a naturally nasty person. I feel guilty.

It might help you if you could work out why you feel guilty.

Your husband of 20 years wants to walk out on you, his kids, his dog and his debts. There's probably someone else. And yet YOU feel guilty.

I wonder if you feel bad because for 20 years your life has been focussed on what HE wants. And now this buch of vipers on MN are saying " wait a minute, it's not about him, it's about the kids . And you count too"

The kids may not be tiny but they won't be financially independent for at least 5 years. He doesn't get to walk away with impunity.

And you have given up your career to facilitate his, so you are entitled ( legally and morally ) to a share of that.

These are very hard things for you to hear but deep down you know we are right. You are a good person, you have been a good wife and mother. You don't deserve this.

You are not lazy, stupid or helpless yet he has made you feel that way by the way he has treated you. And it's not fair.

As someone said, when you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression . Your H is used to priviledge and now you are asking him to consider others. He feels confused and attacked and that you are being unreasonable .

I suspect this feels like opression to him and you feel that you are being mean and unfair and a bitch.

The fact that the law sees you as equal and the kids as his responsibility will have come as a big shock to him.

Absolutely spot on Kr1stina.

I was in a not totally dissimilar situation years ago and I was guilt-ridden, despite advice from family telling me not to be. It's only years and years later, and with a respectful new DH, that I realise what a manipulative knob-end my ex DH was.

Op, you deserve to be happy. Your DH is not being honest, respectful or fair. You know that really don't you?