Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Hope cab were helpful.

Thank you for all your advice. I have read it all and some makes sense, some doesn't and some I can't do.

I don't want to be talked into any thing by any body and I feel that's what's happening. OH has talked me into things and look where I am. It's done.

No matter how many times people say things I'm not you. I don't deal the same way. This is the problem. I don't deal. I put on a face and say the right things whereas inside it's different. I said something today that I meant.
The car failed it's MOT. That's the way it is. I'm sick of everything going wrong. And costing money. I don't have money.

Can you delete threads?
Thank you all again. I will be bowing out now.

Very many good wishes to you op and best of luck for the future.

Flowers for you

Keep going, you have come a long way since your first post. You are right the finances will work themselves out. Sorry you've had a horrible day, Im not going to throw any advice at you or tell you what to do but I will say this. Things have a habit of working out right in the end.

Turns out the lesbian friend is his new 'bestie'.

You only have his word for it that she's a lesbian.

I'd bet money she isn't.

Well if being a feminist means losing all sense of compassion and putting the boot into a woman when she's down, then you can leave me out.

Well said, Singer!

What happened to a woman's right to make her own choices regarding bringing up her children (if finances allow)? We all make what we think re the best choices in our circumstances at the time - and we will NEVER know whether a different choice would have been better

Plus saying what "shoulda/ coulda/ woulda" been the "right" thing to do is not helpful.

This is the situation as it stands - all suggestions need to work with that.

And getting rid of a dog is not as easy (physically or emotionally as many people seem to think) - and from OP's daughter's POV, losing her dad AND the dog might be a bridge too far (and OP's perspective, too - animals can provide a huge amount of emotional support especially when there is no other help).

It's over now

What did you say today that you meant and what happened afterwards ?

I'm sorry you've had such a shit day

Good luck for the future. Take a step at a time. Each step does not have to be perfect, just in about the right direction. We all want you to get to a good place, happy with your children, a job that gives you some security and a good future.

It will not always be easy, but draw on every resource you can and you will make it. Come back to mumsnet on a new thread for more help. Bye for now and god bless

Had a couple of days to regroup.

Monday was a horrendous day. Yesterday nearly was. Car still wasn't back from the MOT (even though it was finished I didn't have time to collect it) and I was called into work early. I walked to work - only takes about 25 mins but seems way longer - and that wasn't too bad. Not that cold either. OH was nice enough to bring his car to my work and leave it there so I didn't have to walk back at midnight. He walked home.
I do need to buy lights for my bike though, and check the rear tyre for a puncture, otherwise if/when this happens again I'll be up sh*t creek without a paddle.

Kr1stina - just something I said to someone. Monday wasn't a good day.

OH is now acting in his best interests, not telling me anything at all. Not even about the debts. Pretty sure he's hiding something there. We both want the debts to go down so why would I jeopardise that?!

Solicitor is tomorrow. I have a list of questions to ask and Sis will be making notes furiously while I try to listen and take things in. Our Dad will also be there, as another pair of ears, and in case he thinks of anything we haven't. Not to mention we don't have to relay everything to him afterwards. It's a family outing!

My BIL is very kindly paying (upfront, but I will pay him back) for the appointment tomorrow so OH isn't aware. I don't want to be this secretive but it's necessary right now, given how he's acting. I did mention on Monday night during my meltdown to OH that I'd been to CAB. Mainly about benefits and it wasn't helpful. He didn't seem bothered. He did ask if I was getting advice.

OH will be emailing me 2 emails in the next few days (he told me this by email). Apparently outlining his plans for the future including his moving out and what he'll take with him. Also financial stuff and the house etc... I shall wait with baited breath to see what he says.
Shame I won't receive them before seeing the solicitor. Would have been helpful.

Work has been better this week, don't feel so 'new'. I did some overtime again last night. Concerned about applying for the working and child tax credits though. I don't want to be overpaid and have to pay money back. I may add 3 hrs overtime to my weekly hours to cover the off chance I do overtime. I don't want to say 16 and then do way more. If I don't do overtime each week then I won't be bothered, chances are I will though. They do say if O/T is a regular thing to include it. I will try to keep it to 3/4 hrs a week though if called in, plus another new guy is starting in a couple of weeks and he's keen to do O/T so it could work in my favour.

Successfully got the car back today. Sis gave me a lift rather than getting the train. (we get one train an hour so you have to time things perfectly!). So that's one thing less to worry about - for now.

If I start a new thread, where's the best place to do it? Or just continue here?

Good to see you back op.

Nice to see you back, hopefully the solicitor will help. I find it very odd he has emailed to tell you he is going to email, why cause you anxiety and just not tell you now.

Keep strong.

Hotwaterbottle1 - because that's the way we work apparently. I have told him if he has something to say to just say it. But he's not listening. I am bothered by waiting for these emails, I have to say. I have no idea what he's going to say. I don't understand why he has to email his plan to leave either. I mean, he wakes up, packs and leaves. It's not complicated.
Emailing me his plans isn't a bad thing though, means I have it in writing AND can read it. His writing isn't the best.

Glad to hear from you too. Carry on here if you like as you already have your fan base! Or start on the divorce thread where you will have more expertise and tell us on this thread where to go.

Good luck at the solicitors.

Hotwaterbottle. Not so odd the email. Normal for him I think but not for every normal person. He sent a very odd email to the OP at the beginning telling her he wanted out and then never brought up the subject verbally despite the OP giving him opportunities. How rubbish is that? The positive about all this emailing is you have a written record not verbal.

another x post! we are making a habit!

another x post! we are making a habit!

Glad to hear you sounding more positive and confident.

Good luck at solicitors I'm hoping you'll get told a few pleasantly surprising things (which will not be so pleasant for ex )

Also glad you're settling into work.

I will definitely continue to follow and hopefully support if you start a new thread.

Hope tomorrow goes smoothly

And well done on rallying the troops - excellent work.

BIL, sis and dad sound like s

Very true re having it in writing.

Good luck today.

Hope all goes well tomorrow and your sis and dad going with you is great and will hopefully help you to feel a little more at ease.

Hope it goes well today OP. Your family sound wonderful and really supportive

You need to make it clear to your husband that he can't just take what he wants with him. Anything that's owned jointly will require your express agreement.

And don't let him come and go as he pleases from the house, either. He may own half of it but he's chosen somewhere else as his home and has no rights to invade yours as and when he feels like it.

Good luck at the solicitors.

Thanks for all the support.

Had to pay the solicitor earlier by phone, not a problem, I'll just transfer money over (OH can't see the savings accounts) but don't really want to lie about money. Oh well. At least it's not on the credit card. And he must know if I need to see someone I'll have to pay. Just as he will. Just hope he doesn't put it on the card.

HeCantBeSerious - I am planning on seeing what he says in his emails and then I can take it from there. At this point I have no idea what he's going to say. He's giving nothing away right now.

He's not a materialistic person tbh and it's only a double room so can't take to much with him I would have thought. He can take most of the DVD's as they're ones he mainly watches and they take up a lot of space!

As for other things yes it will be by agreement only. I've even been looking around and making mental notes of what he can take! Some of it I've never liked so! If he's not going to sell the bike I'd prefer he take that with him, get rid of it out of my way in the garage, god knows where's he going to store any of his bike tools though.

Oh yes, I am asking the solicitor today about his set of keys to the house/garage etc. I would prefer he gives them back so he can't just let himself in but I don't know how legal that is. I have no intention of stopping him coming back to the house but only by prior appointment and when someone (me!) is here. I don't trust him to come round when DD is here on her own as he could take anything and justify it to her.

Last night I did something petty and probably childish but made me feel better! OH has cleared out all the financial stuff (logins/credit cards etc.). I only noticed he took the credit cards in his name yesterday when I was looking for my card to log in to my Barclaycard account (didn't know the username so needed to use the card number). I then proceeded to change some info so he can't log in. (I couldn't find paperwork with those details so winged it while logging in!).

I noticed he'd left the old RAC/AA cards in his name in the drawer. So when he got home I handed those to him and said 'don't forget these, they're in your name too'. He looked a little confused! I then said 'well you've cleared out the rest why not take these too. If you wanted your cards you should have just told me or mentioned it'. Like I would stop him taking them. Ridiculous.

We both want the debt to go down so why would I jeopardise that?! he's turning a little nasty whenever I mention the financial stuff tbh. He goes immediately defensive. That unsettles me.

Tbh he's making this whole situation worse with his attitude. The secrecy has reached a whole new level. I know he has trust issues with me as I do with him but seriously, financially we need to be honest with each other. (which is why I feel guilty about the solicitors fee but I can't tell him yet). We want the same thing with the money.

My dear, you are still thinking the best of him even when he doesn't deserve it. You DONT want the same things with money .

He's told you what he wants - to have no responsibility for you, the dog, the house, the debts and the kids once they hit their 18th birthday . And to have all domestic labour and wifework taken care of.

You want to keep the house so the kids have stability , suport DS and maybe DD through uni, to keep the dog , get a well paid job and pay off the debt.

Not the same I'm afraid .

And I know you want him to be honest but you need to accept that's not going to happen. You are not on the same team anymore.

You sound like a kind and trusting person who always gives people the benefit of the doubt and I fear he might DH abusing your good nature.

I hope the solicitor was helpful and that DF and DS were a good suport to you. It's normal to feel a bit shocked and shaken up after the meeting BTW.

Quick check in before work.

OH is working tomorrow morning. First time in the (current) job he's done that in 4 yrs. 'Deadlines' apparently. Not that I believe that. I don't actually care he won't be here. But if he's going to tell me anything I'd rather the truth.

I've given up on honesty now, after talking to the solicitor and hearing myself (and Sis/Dad) saying things.

Well we both want rid of the debts. I guess that's what I mean by we want the same thing. But yeah, we want to go about it a different way. There are many ideas to consider.

The solicitor was helpful and will probably use her when we go for divorce. I thought you had to wait but I think I'll press OH to divorce me sooner rather than later. I don't care what he writes, it's a means to an end.

At this point in time until OH shares with me his side of the planning I can't decide anything about the house. I know what I want but what I want and what I can HAVE are 2 different things. I do want to stay here until DD is 18. That part is simple. After that there are options. I don't want any of his pension or spousal maintenance.

I guess I am still trying to think of him as a good guy and I think he is deep down. He's just going about this the wrong way. And making it worse. He's controlling the situation by all this 'I'll email you blah blah blah'. Don't think he realise how stressful waiting for that is.