Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Well done you

Turns out the lesbian friend is his new 'bestie'. Not surprising given how much he talked about her. Sad really, she probably knows more about him after 2 yrs than I do after 20'odd.

And yes I am jealous of that fact. I've spent the past 20 yrs putting up with his crap and she's the best friend?! What a waste.

Well done with the job! You are doing brilliantly.

Whole lesbian "bestie" thing is a bit confusing Although of course people do sometimes change their sexuality...

Have you met this woman - are you sure she is a lesbian? Are you just going by what he has told you?

I know several women who have had relationships with other men but told their husbands their new friend is gay.......

Once he's gone I won't give a sht about it, but now it really psses me off.

He's off out to see her today. I don't care really but he's hardly seen our DD (who doesn't really give a crap by the sounds of it! Which is sad) and we do have things to talk about before he moves out as there are a few things I need to know. (stuff about the house/car etc..). During the week is impossible with me working and him getting in so late then spending it in his room.

Actually I do care. That's a lie. I just get the feeling he's lying all the time. He hasn't mentioned the room thing. I won't ask. (I know we're not a couple but I still deserve respect surely??) Although telling your wife by email you're leaving her doesn't actually show any respect does it).

He hasn't mentioned his car insurance, which is only my business IMO as he has to put that on the credit card which obviously adds a lot of money.

When he got rid of his car to get his first moped/bike years ago he then lost his NCB which means the cost is a bit higher than it should be for his age/experience. So it's not just a couple hundred quid like mine will be.

We have to agree about the credit card(s) and spending on it. Really nothing should be added. I mean, he's done his sums regarding his future spending right? Right? (read: NO it's a guessing game for him).
He wants to get rid of the debts right? sarcasm font needed Yep, as spending £815 is not causing more issues, then the £100 a month (his estimate) will grow as that's only a guess for his food spends and he hasn't factored anything else in (petrol, socialising, clothing...). I only care about the debts as it means less equity when selling AND THAT matters to me.

Naicehamshop - well according to her FB she is def a lesbian! He's always talked about her so it hasn't been a secret. She moved down south for the job with her GF so she was looking for a friend too. Her GF is on FB and connected, there are pics so I have no reason to doubt there. (although I do know she's not keen on marrying her GF... but that's another story)

To be honest he probably thinks I'm gay! I'm, shall we say, a tomboy, always have been. Worn a dress on 3 occasions - my wedding, my sisters wedding and my school friends wedding! I'm most comfortable in jeans and a polo shirt, trainers - just comfortable. I don't wear make-up. Girlie stuff doesn't interest me. Never has. I like all mens sports.

I like hockey - which according to him is made up of lesbians. (and yes he did say that after I started talking about the hockey team winning gold in rio - "aren't they all gay?".) I used to play some hockey in secondary school - even had a stick (which I should have kept, good protection! An old wooden one!). I hadn't really watched much before Rio as it wasn't on TV (only red button and 'pay' sports which we don't get).
I got into it after that - watching on YT etc.., asked him to download some stuff as it was protected (shhhh!) - which was mainly the 2 members of the team who were married (the lesbians) as they did interviews and I couldn't download them like the others. He did ask me outright a few months ago why I liked hockey all of a sudden! That probably got him thinking! I would start playing but the fees are expensive..maybe in the future.

Maybe that's the way to go thinking about it! LOL! Are women less hassle than men though?! Probably best to stay away from either.

Huh wrong thread sorry no idea how that happened ignore me.

When he got rid of his car to get his first moped/bike years ago he then lost his NCB which means the cost is a bit higher than it should be for his age/experience. So it's not just a couple hundred quid like mine will be.

This is rubbish, he's feeding you a line. He should be able to get car insurance just as cheaply as you.

What I don't get is why you haven't ditched any joint outgoings. You need to do that ASAP.

I wonder if he just feels safer in a relationship with a woman who is not going to make any demands on him - sexual or otherwise.

Luckily it soon won't be your problem and you'll be able to happily move on without him.

Flopsypopsy - no really, I was the one who googled it and found out the info as I was curious when he was buying his new car. Most insurers only accept NCB after 2 yrs unused (3 at a push). Then you lose it. Have to start fresh. We didn't realise this at the time. I was the one who got the quotes to so I know how much it cost. It's not as expensive as it could have been but still more than mine.

Naicehamshop - he's got the best friend he's always wanted now. Obviously was never going to be me.
I told him, the other day, I hope the next one makes him happy. He said why do you think there'll be someone else? And I said because he can't be on his own. Which I believe to be true. He needs someone.
Personally I can't see that happening with me. I have enough trouble talking to people let alone anything else! I am a socially awkward person. Even with better confidence I don't see that changing. Always been shy. I met OH at work when we were both young. So no real socialising was necessary!

Naicehamshop - I also think she doesn't (obviously) nag him.
They also have an Xbox.... last time he went over (when he told me he didn't want to be too long) he stayed an extra hour to play on their Xbox. (we don't have one). He then wondered why I got pissy with him, as he was the one who said he wanted to come back early... I said we could have done something together. He got in a huff with that.

He can now see them whenever he wants. Once he's out of the house I won't have any feeling on it. While he's still here (yes I know we're not a couple...) I still feel ...a little jealous. Weird I know. But it will get better.

Flopsypopsy - once I've seen CAB (Monday) and the solicitor (Friday) I can make better decisions on the financial front. I'll keep my own account (not joint) at the bank I have now as it's just easier. I will make sure he can't access it.
I think it will be better to set the (as is) joint account as a single account for me so I can keep all the bills the same. (take his name off).

While OH was out today, me and DD went into the (next) local town to look at phones. Well I signed the agreement and now have a new phone. Without buttons..... feels weird. Only charging it at the minute, having installed a couple of apps.

Feel guilty for spending nearly £20 a month on it but it's a decent phone and with PAYG you're never sure what you're going to need credit wise (and sometimes I use - at the moment - over £20). It's unlimited texts and (decent) limited minutes with some data thrown in. The credit on the PAYG phone will transfer over with they number so I won't lose it. (OH and DS's phones each cost about £25 a month so mines quite cheap really. DS's costs about £17).

I've never had a phone without buttons before! And it's twice the size of my (old) current one!

Sorry itsover I really thought that I was right. I lost my no claims but after five years it was back on.

How old is he? Going round to his mate's and playing on the Xbox??

Is he 15?!

And all the time you are looking after the family on your own!

Flopsypopsy - No worries. I thought the same thing, that you didn't lose it. But it what insurers accept is different. Going from 9+ yrs (19) to none is a waste.

Naicehamshop - LOL! Sometimes I think he is! He's a gamer, that's his hobby - he even makes videos for YT (like gamers do...). Apparently I stopped him from doing that (for a yr) after he bought his microphone. I admit I said it was silly. And I do. I won't change my opinion on that. I think a hobby should be something you do for periods of time while involved with other things. (life). Yet he spends most of his time on there. Every evening and all weekend - unless I used to ask him to do something.* If he had a day off he'd turn the PC on before I'd even had a shower in the morning. He's 45 yrs old.

• it's got worse over the yrs, luckily (for him) the kids are the same, all play games. DS is just like his Dad, I'm hoping Uni will help him change and socialise more. DD likes gaming but can stop before it goes too far. I suspect the Gaming has got worse as things with us have got worse. He has said if he didn't game in the evening what would he do? I watch TV or go on the PC surfing and he doesn''t watch TV at all.

Wow you will be so much better off without him!

I'm afraid to say no women are no easier (bi myself plus a friend this last year has gone through hell due to discovering her partner was cheating and has left for the other woman after 15 years together, just as messy as a hetero split!)

Re the banking DON'T use the same bank because while you're both legally financially connected any debts he incurs with the bank can be recovered from your account.

Graphista - it wasn't always as bad as now. His gaming has got worse as we've got worse I guess. It's an escape, as is work (he admitted that).

Haha! Oh well, I'll probably just stay single. Easier!

My car's in for it's MOT tomorrow, we drop it off at the garage a day earlier most of the time as the mechanic has then got it 1st thing. Given it's 18 yrs old, still going strong I might add, but has one problem that it could fail on we shall wait with baited breath as to what happens tomorrow.

OH ironed his clothes this morning. I'd left his shirts and trousers in the basket to iron and he also did his other stuff that was in the 'all' basket. Good, he's got the message. It's not a new thing leaving the shirts for him tbh, but this time I think he got the point.

Sis and BIL are taking DD out to lunch today (thank you!) so hopefully if she needs to talk about anything she can open up to them a bit more. There's some college stuff I hope she talks about but if not we'll have to think of another way!

Just dropping in to wish you luck tomorrow. Hope the car passes its MOT and CAB goes well. Oh and great news re the new phone!

Thanks. Not sure what to ask CAB apart from benefits tbh. I will go through my list I've written (on my new phone!) and see what they think but not sure who helps with what re: CAB and Solicitor.

Still have an uneasy feeling about OH and his spending. Can;t shake the feeling he's lying about paying a fee for the room. The website clearly states in the ROOM BLURB fees apply. (I'm ignoring the website regular blurb at the bottom and reading the room info).

I get the feeling he's lying about the phone plan as well.
I want the login details for that - which I'm entitled to as both DS and DD are on the same monthly payment that goes out. I need to know if they ever go over what it is. I have a feeling he'll try and wriggle out of giving the login to me though..... DD is entitled to know for her phone regardless of what he thinks of me.

I asked for a copy of the agreement, he said they'd emailed him one. I know things these days are done online but surely a tenancy agreement for a private rental you'd get on a piece of paper?? He also transferred the funds I put in the joint account for the room deposit pretty much straight away after I'd done it. He's usually late with doing things which is making me suspicious.

You need to separate your finances, you are splitting up ! You are acting like he's a student going off to uni and not your STBXH.

Why have you just taken out a joint phone plan with him ?

And of course he's lying . I've read hundreds of these threads on MN and no man as lazy and entitled as your husband every left to be on his own. I'm surprised he doesn't need you to tie his shoe laces, how the hell do you think he's going to manage without staff at home ?

There's someone else for sure. Probably someone's he met through gaming .

The phone plan is mine only. OH, DD and DS have one phone plan connected together.

The finances are something that will happen. I need to get some clear answers from the solicitor so I'm clear on a few things.

Hi

Hope it has all gone well and good luck for this week`s appointments