Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

We'll if it's that one then he has to pay utilities, council tax and insurance ON TOP of the rent. Which is not what was on the agreement he sent you.

And yes it's normal to feel alll over the place -strong one minute and in tears the next. But you don't have an option, you just have to get on with it. Your kids are depending on you. Because one thing I can tell you for free - their dad isn't going to be there for them .

Oh I did! I said it wasn't all about him. Got quite heated. He said we should end the call now so I agreed and hung up!

Oh he's definitely trying to pull a fast one! Get everything in writing and don't just take his word for anything

Well according to OH there are no fees for him to pay. The landlord only advertises through your-move. ....

In some ways it would just be easier if he admitted there was someone else, move in with them and cut out all this rental expense. Maybe his work colleague wouldn't like him to be in a less classy house of multiple occupancy closer to work, but its what he can afford (ish given the debts).

Apparently I stopped him from having hobbies. I did say then why not ask me to go with you and do things together - his reply was our interests really weren't/aren't compatible.

I asked to see the email from the landlord/rental place. He refused. He said he wants to protect himself in case things go bad (between us). I said it won't go bad if he keeps up his side of the situation. I want what best for DD. He said so does he.

I admit I have been difficult with him doing things. But I felt excluded. He was doing them, didn't think maybe we could do them together or compromise somewhere. All I needed was help from him. To help me.
I never ever said he couldn't do things though. I always said you go if you want to. But it was his choice not to.

• when I said 'him doing them', he didn't actually do any of them. I meant if he did do them ....

Please stop trying to discuss everything with him. He's just going to blame you and you will get upset trying to defend yourself from his nonsense .

He will say ANY rubbish to put you down and to pass the blame from him to you. And you will tie yourself in knots wondering what you could have done differently and feeling guilty.

At least you know now that he's lying about the rental place.

You need legal advice on how to seperate your finances NOW so that you can stop being manipulated by him.

The trust has gone from both sides. He said he doesn't trust me and doesn't know what I'm going to do. I understand that. Although I'm not sure what he thinks I can do, he's the one leaving with his pay check.

Oh I wasn't getting upset. The opposite actually. I was quite calm tonight.

I don't think me doing anything differently would have had a different outcome.
I'm quite happy he's leaving soon. Things will be calm and relaxed.

He's signing the agreement tomorrow so won't be home until I've gone to work. I told him to tell DD what his plans were so she actually knows what's happening.

I will be enquiring about seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

I'm glad you are calm and not hurt by his nastiness.

When he says " I can't trust You and don't know what you are going to do " he means

" You have always done exactly as you are told for the last 20 years and always put me and my wishes first. You have always take care of the kids and the house and the dog and let me do my own thing . So I just assumed that you would continue to do so after I walked out on you and the kids and now I've had a rude awakening " .

Good work on the lawyer. And honestly , just ask your sister to come with you once you have a date . I'm sure she'd rather be there, I would if you were my sister .

Dear Itsovernow1 (and on to better things). Below are grouped together your words over the course of these pages, on how OH is flying so many red plags he could open a golf course. I send these to you, in the sincere hope seeing them together in one place will be the step you need to realise you cannot trust him and will get a solicitor. You come across as a really sincere, open woman who needs her self esteem back and we can help you but you must start that process with a solicitor as he is being dishonest with you.
*
I don't see his phone. It's got a passcode and I don't know it.
(who needs a phone in the toilet?!)
he quickly hid it under the desk!
He's very guarded with his email (different to home one)/phone (always in his pocket even at home) which has always made me suspicious

I did see emails from him to a friend (old school friend, a woman, but they seemed innocent enough) yrs ago on his other old email account, what annoyed me more was what they said, personal stuff

Why is looking at someones phone (which I've never done) an issue if they have nothing to hide? Why not leave it on the table instead of keeping it in your pocket even when at home? Where's the openness??

Saw the monthly mobile phone payment (plan) was a lot higher than it should be (norm £66 was £83!!)
it's for 3 phones, OH - DD - DS
He said he doesn't like me keeping tabs on him

I sway between trusting him - as it's his kids he'll hurt more than me - and not trusting him. He's told me I've never trusted him.....and that's probably true. I've always had niggling feelings he's holding stuff back. Which I was proved (kind of) right given he didn't tell me about his teenage issues. I've haven't always been upfront but nothing of that nature

renting a room (private, with a older couple renting out their spare room), it's not as close to his work as he'd have liked so will still need to use petrol money, although he says he can car share with someone to keep costs down.
The address he's not sure of, he found it again on google maps to show me
I asked to see the email from the landlord/rental place. He refused.
No address on the rental agreement.

sorry I cross posted Itsover.

Please try & get your sister to come with you to a solicitor, hell I would if I was in your area. You seem the loveliest person and your OH is taking full advantage. Please know you are worth so much more. You can do this I promise, we are all listening (if not always responding). Can we all help?

Well, I bought a small journal to write in this morning. I'll use it for everything, notes/work stuff/thoughts etc... I'm not good with that stuff, remembering to write it down but I'll try my best.

My Sis has said she will come with me yes to the SOL, tricky as she's going on holiday but we'll either make it work or I'll go on my own. Have to man up (so to speak!) at some point.

*just got a call with an appointment, next Friday, not ideal timing but I need one and it's the earliest they have. I shall write questions and take copies of things I think I'll need. Any advice on what to take would be appreciated!

I am a tricky person to live with, but then so is OH so it's not a match made in heaven at all. That's been the problem. I'm very compliant and so is he.

OH is as distrusting of me now as I am of him. Although as he holds all the cash cards (literally and figuratively) I'm not sure what he thinks I can do. All he has to do is stop paying the bills and I'm screwed. Not sure what in return I can do. By now I'd hope he knows I'm not a spender. Not sure what I'd buy if I cleared out the accounts tbh. I'd feel guilty doing that anyway.

It did get heated last night (but not shouty/upsetting), mainly as I keep questioning everything he does/says and he's getting annoyed with it. That's when he came out with the 'I need to protect myself' blurb. "You don't trust me so showing you things won't make any difference".

I just pointed out to him that we're dolling out £415 and then another £400 for something I have no real proof of. I want proof. Of everything. I suspect he'd be the same if the situation was reversed. But no, I have to trust him......

I still don't believe he has to pay absolutely NO fees for any of this tenancy crap. Mainly as the website clearly says you do and the page relating to the room rent also says FEES APPLY.

I pointed out to him last night that he said to me in a previous conversation that he couldn't be himself around me. I told him I don't know what the 'real' OH is so of course I'm wary. He has, for the 2nd time, pointed out he could be one of those that just upped sticks and disappeared. He's been reading online, just like I have.

I do want him to see I'm not out to screw him over. I don't need that hassle. I want fair - for me and our kids.

I know I need to stop trying to have conversations with him. But I need answers to certain things and he's not forthcoming.

I also want him to stop using our DD as a go between. He knows full well I'm the one cooking dinner tonight but he text DD to tell her what he'll be doing. Yes tell her as she needs to know he'll be late but also tell the bloody cook! Don't keep relying on DD to relay the messages. It's not fair on her.

I would advise going to cab if you cannot get to a solicitor until next week. I found their advice really helpful. I also found a solicitor who gave me advice over the phone for free. Worth investigating. I'm in Scotland so can't pass on the details as the law is different.

Please please stop cooking for him then it does not matter when he is home.

All he has to do is stop paying the bills and I'm screwed. Not sure what in return I can do.

Actually, he'll also be screwed. Creditors would go after him once they found out you were unable to pay.

I'm 99% convinced he's got someone else to go to. There's just too much stereotypical behaviour being displayed.

Agree re the cooking. Stop ding anything for him.

You need to find out what you're entitled to financially and stop worrying about what he's doing with the rest of his money. You are no longer a couple.

Hotwaterbottle1 - CAB is on Monday. SOL is Friday.

HeCantBeSerious - well that is true, they would go after him, BUT if we change the bills into my name I'll be on the receiving end. That's part of the advice I need. My name solely or joint names even if he's not living here? They could also take things from the house if it got that far.

Once I get advice on all things financial and also my first pay packet I will know what I can do on my own - that will make me feel better. Knowing I'm actually paying for things. It's a head thing. In my head it will feel better. Then yes what he does with his money once the agreed bills are paid is his business. As long as it's not going to come back to bite me!

I have been writing things down. Not much but it's a start.

Going in an hour earlier for work tonight. More overtime I guess. DD is home just before I leave so I can have dinner ready and things sorted. I guess I feel guilty mainly as yes she is 16, but she's had to go through not only this separation crap but me starting a new job - only 3 evenings but still, it means I don't see her much during the week. It's a change for anyone let alone DD.

Me cooking for him is about keeping the peace - both mentally and physically. And to be honest, keeping my kitchen clean! he's the type who washes dishes and leaves bits on them, thus making me wash them again. That's not worth the aggro. He'll be gone in a couple of weeks, won't have to cook for him again.

*keeping the peace for ME. Not him.

Then just cook for you all & plate his and put it in the oven. If he is late he can heat it up, if he doesn't come home you can eat for lunch the next day.

Glad you are going to CAB. You are doing so well, look how anxious you were about your job and now you appear to be fine & they must be happy asking you for extra hours.

Hot water is right about your work - you must be doing fine or they wouldnt give you extra hours.

Well done on CAB and SHL ( well I hope they are shit hot)

Work was better tonight. I'm finding my feet - slowly. We had our 1 week appraisal with the boss Wed night. He said both me and the other newbie (the 18yr old!) are doing well. Picking things up fast and fitting in. It's just bleedin' hard work! Tonight was 7 hrs again, with 2 x 15 mins breaks. I need to invest in some proper safety shoes as the boots I'm wearing aren't the best! And some trousers with pockets.... waiting for them to supply them could take a while.

Hotwaterbottle1 ; Re; the food. Oh I do that anyway. Always have. We can't wait for him to come in to eat, me and DD would be starving by then. Tonight he had a sandwich (I assume, as he said he was going to) as he was very late having signed his 'agreement'. I can't be arsed to ask him about it tomorrow, so if he mentions it OK, if not, whatever.

Need to sort out a new phone plan for me this week. All these calls and texts are costing me more on PAYG than a monthly plan would. I've never used my phone so much.