Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm fairly sure thats not a tenancy agreement. Anyway he's only renting a room, so the contract will be different.

And doesn't the deposit need to be paid into a deposit protection scheme ?

I'd go to the CAB and tell them it's your agreement and ask if it's legal? I know it's not your concern but I'd be nosey. I think he made it up himself or his OW/OM did.

Or post on the relevant board on MN.

I don't understand how their home content policy would cover his property.

I also don't understand why you are giving him the money.

www.informedlandlords.com/tenancy-deposit-schemes/

Hi itsover. Keep going, you can do this.

Your self esteem is rock bottom right now, and while planning ahead is good, please don't make any major decisions while you are feeling so low. Perhaps a new start in a new home would be a good for you but don't rush into it and please seek some legal and financial advice before you do anything. I am sure you are going to do all this but please don't do it all on your own. Get help and listen to the experts.

You are worth so much more than you are suggesting. How can him living happily ever after with his good job, his debts paid off, a nice lump sum mortgage deposit and

living in the comfort and security of his own home with the kids and the dog .... and you managing on a low wage in a rented flat be a fair way to end 20+ years of marriage?

The person who stays at home and takes care of the children is no less worthy than the person who earns the money. Ok, so on your salary you may not get a mortgage and renting is a possibility - but you do need financial security and some money in the bank for a rainy day. You need to ensure that after the house is sold you have a share that is at least equal (if not more, he has higher future earning potential). What if you can't work anymore? What if the kids want to stay with you?

Also sorry to throw too much information at you but if he is funding his 'new life' on credit cards then this new debt is his and should not be included if the house is sold. I can't remember if you have mentioned divorce but a judge wouldn't allow this. Nor would he allow him a greater share of the sale of the house.

Please look after yourself and keep talking to us if it helps.

Lodgers' deposits don't get lodged with a deposit scheme, I don't think.

Kr1stina - Well if I don't allow him access to the money he'd find another way. He's already said that. He won't budge. Rather the cash than the credit card. There's still money in the account to pay for my car to go through the MOT (if it fails on what we think it might fail on).
He needs the money for Friday and won't wait for it. The monthly payment he'll pay when he moves in I assume. He moves out the day after my mum's 5th anniversary (of her passing). Lovely timing. I'll be having a lunch with my Dad on her day (Sis is on her birthday hol this yr) so can hopefully channel OH out for a while.

I told OH I want to see his copy of the signed agreement. I know it doesn't mean much as he can fake it I suppose.
The address he's not sure of, he found it again on google maps to show me. Nothing new there, he's crap at remembering things. I will make sure I get the address though. You surely don't sign an agreement without having an address on it.

Still hasn't given me an answer about the phone plan overspend. I even wrote a note before going to work. No bloody answer. I reckon he knows what it is and knows I'll be pissed. Like I was before it went over (him watching YT on his phone while sick). Probably the same damn thing.

We will be going for divorce at some point yes. There's no going back for either of us. I can't wait for him to leave actually. As he can't wait to leave.

OH was going to sell the bike but has decided against it. It'll stay in the garage until warmer weather apparently. 2 cars are needed really as if he has to pick DD or DS up a bike won't cut it! The bike could go but he'd need to actually want to do that and make an effort to do it. Neither of which will happen.

Re: mortgage. When OH called about possibly extending the mortgage they said no, and made sure no changes can be made without 2 signatures (or both of us agreeing) so he can't do anything to that without my say-so.
As for the CC's, my Dad is also concerned about that. I don't have access to the one he/we use right now. I don't use the 2 I have in my name, mainly as I can't remember the PINs! (plus one is a 'rate for life' balance transfer, I won't mess with that).

Please please heed the advice given here. I have been in a very similar situation. I am still in a rotten situation 4 years down the line. Let me tell you that 'rental agreement' is at best suss, and probably illegal. SIGN NOTHING The wording is risible and I'm sorry to say, but your OH and his bint have concocted some crap piece of paperwork. Sign nothing and let him pay his own rent. Darling, I have spent, well, I can't tell you because it's embarrassingly high on legal fees. Just sign nothing, keep everything and get on with your life with your lovely children. Honestly, he isn't worth it because he is with some other bint and you are better. I am still in a terrible place. But it will get better, please take care of YOU. Do NOT pay his rent. His bint is probably already paying it so there's no need. You're earning your money hun, spend it on YOU and your kids. Make them proud of you. Bless you xx

God - he is like a child! He'll do what he wants - and then leave you to clear up all the mess he leaves behind him.

I honestly think you will feel 100% better when you are no longer tied to him.

You need to see a solicitor NOW. Not some time in the future. Because even though you are separating you are still having to organise HIS money. You are giving him money so he doesn't run up credit card debt but if you are apart it's not your problem.

You don't have a card for an account yet you think you are responsible for the debt!

If he doesn't have a car to pick up his kids he can get them a taxi. None of this is your problem.

I don't know the divorce law in your country, but where I live you go to a lawyer and establish a date of seperation and after that all his debt is his own. You stop all joint accounts and credit cards etc

You need to stop managing his life and focus on you and the kids. I know this is hard as yourve obviously spent 20 years doing everyhthing for him but this needs to stop. For most women it would have stopped the day he said he was leaving.

Get all your paperwork together and make an appointment today. You need to know the legal situation. Take your assertive sister with you.

Your STBX has told you very clearly that he wants no more responsibility for the kids. So your plan need to involve YOU caring for them for at least they next 5 years until DD finished university. Ideally you should keep the family home at least until then. And by then you might earn enough to pay the mortgage .

DO NOT REMORTGAGE TO PAY HIS DEBTS unless your solicitor tell you to do so.

So stop all this " I'll just live in a bedsit eating cold beans out the can " nonsense.

Stop thinkning about how you can help DH have the future he wants and start thinking of you and the kids.

Please do as Kr1stina says and see a solicitor urgently. Here is some advice about stopping joint credit cards. It is really important you urgently do this as he could continue to put debt onto these.

uk.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/rules-for-dealing-with-joint_credit_card_debt-during-divorce-1375.php

He has not been honest and open with you so you cannot trust him with these cards. In your past posts you mention him hiding his phone, taking it into the toilet with him. Not telling you the address he is moving to. Producing a dubious rental agreement. These are all red flags that mean you need to act urgently to protect yourself.

I've text OH this morning asking why he didn't reply to me about the phone plan. Also I wanted the names and address of this 'room'. Apparently the tone of my texts are not to his liking and he will talk to me later about the phone plan.
This is getting very frustrating. Just when I feel better, thinking about him makes my blood boil.

I'm in the England btw.

Stop phoning DH, stop agreeing to what he wants and see a solicitor.

I'm sorry to be bossy but your instincts about what is fair and reasonable are way off the mark.

And the plans you have suggested could jeopardise the welfare of you and your kids.

I am concerned that you are depressed and not taking your anti depressants . You need to be thinkning as clearly as possible to make these important decisions and that's hard when you are unwell.

That £400 that you are planning to give him to set up in his love nest would buy you some good legal advice.

Please phone and make an appointment and get all your paperwork together before the meeting, to save time and money.

Kr1stina - I only text him as I want answers. I haven't seen him since Sunday night as I've been working or he's been away. Also, he apparently doesn't like my tones in texts.

I will be speaking to him later though as I need to talk to him about DD and her college work. It would seem she's not taking it as well as we'd hoped. Or there are other issues we need to deal with. I'd prefer to talk to him on the phone before he gets home as I can tell him without DD being around and overhearing.

The £400 is also his money, as much as I don't want to pay it I can't stop it.

Another saying please listen and stop helping him. It's pointless asking him as he won't give you answers he doesn't want you to have.

Is it bugger 'the tone of your texts' I had that shite! It's bull it means 'you're getting too close to the truth and I don't want you knowing that'.

Another voice for solicitor asap

Hmmm sounds like he is telling you a load of lies. How can he not know the address? Of course he knows the address- he just doesn't want you to know. I don't know anything about tennancy aggrements but surely it would have the address on it.

You need to stop worrying about him and start thinking about you and your children. Do as Kr1stina says and get a solicitors appointment, you need someone to protect you. Let him try his lies with your solicitor - he won't get very far.

"Re: mortgage. When OH called about possibly extending the mortgage they said no, and made sure no changes can be made without 2 signatures (or both of us agreeing) so he can't do anything to that without my say-so"

Have you seen this in writing from the bank or is it just OHs word?

I know you have said you find it difficult making phonecalls so Please, please phone your sister and get her to make an appointment with a solicitor as a matter of urgency.

file:///C:/Users/annem/Downloads/lodger-information-pack.pdf

This is a lodger pack with tenancy agreement from the government website gov.uk

It clearly has the address on it. He clearly does not want you to know the address. You cannot trust him at all. Sorry

After speaking to OH re: DD I got onto the subject of the phone plan. He made some expensive calls for work when he went away before Christmas, forgot about it, checked the online banking during his usual monthly banking session, meant to check it, then forgot about it. But since I brought it up he has mentioned it to work and has to print off the bill and work will refund the calls.
'I forgot' is the usual bloody line that I've been listening to for 20+ yrs. I'm sick of it. And told him so.

He saw the property 'room' on Right Move which then changed to Your-Move and this page www.your-move.co.uk/rent/tenant-fees comes up when I look, not sure if it's just for whole properties or rooms as well. He hasn't mentioned a fee... It says on that page you get a Tenancy Agreement. OH said the one he emailed through was 'just the wording'.
I find this one, which I'm sure is the right one - well it's the only one (let agreed).
www.your-move.co.uk/property/room-only-to-rent-hillbrow-letchworth-garden-city-sg6-id-528600583/search
Trouble is, it says it's £425?? Deposit £425 plus £342 set up fee!!! OH has not mentioned a set up fee.

So they agree £400 but the set up fee has been neglected in the whole conversation....

Abricot1993 - re: mortgage. Just his word.

I will make an solicitors appointment for next week if I can. I need to know where I stand legally. Sis is having her own issues, can't keep dumping stuff on her, so will probably go alone. Need to write down some questions!

Tonight I want answers about the 'room'. ALL money they've agreed. According to that website he should have already paid a 'tenancy set up payment' - where the heck did he pay that from?!!?

I know I'm being a nelly. I need to step up. And I will. I just need a kick up the bum. And my head to stop spinning.

Is it normal to go from happy - sad - angry - frustrated - pissed off - happy - >>> all in one day?! It's just a mixture right now. One minute I can do it, then I can't, then I can>>>> Just round and round.

How dare he say that he doesn't like the tone of your texts!!!

Why don't you tell him that you didn't like his tone when he just decided to fuck off and leave you and his children after 20 years!!

I don't think your OH is being completely honest with you, OP. He is clearly only concerned with his own well being and future. He is counting down until the children are adults and he thinks he can boot you out into the street to start over on a minimum wage and the children can support themselves, whether they're ready or not.

You need legal advice quickly.

You need to protect yourself and your children and all of your futures.

Do not offer to pay off half the debt. He has the established career, the high earning position, and his refusal to budget/plan is the reason your credit card debt is so hide. Let him pay the majority of it off. And he should keep paying the mortgage. If he can't, then he needs to find a cheaper living arrangement. You have a child still at home.