Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Ok I can see you have a plan.

Except I thought the goals were

1. To provide stability for the kids and ensure you can suport them through university. You have been the main carer so stability means living with you.

1. Your husband wants to be alone and have no responsibilities .

1. You love your dog and want to keep it and many rented flats won't allow dogs

So I'm struggling to see how this meets everyone's needs. Can you help me understand?

If you give him most of the equity, you have no guarantee he will provide for the kids, he might piss it up the wall. Or move in with OW /OM who may not want them.

Has your solicitor said this is a good plan ?

I agree with Kr1stina. Don't rush into anything op. You've had a massive shock - give yourself time to deal with it.

Dear OP,
As you say you are outside your comfort zone but the above plan will not bring you into a comfort zone. By letting OH take most of the equity, you are opening yourself to further financial uncertainty.

Please see a solicitor. Do it now.

I checked the bank, just to look and see how much we have left etc. Saw the monthly mobile phone payment (plan) was a lot higher than it should be (norm £66 was £83!!). Text OH to ask why it's nearly £20 higher, just got a reply and he saw it was higher but forget to check why.... oh for gawds sake.

We had this once before and it's because he was watching YT on his phone and went over the allotted date allowance... or that's what he told me anyway.
It's things like this that pee me off. It's £17 out and he doesn't check immediately why. Unless he knows and didn't think I'd notice or question it.
I thought the point of having a phone plan* was the regular payment.

*it's for 3 phones, OH - DD - DS. All have smartphones and unlimited texts with data mixed in to suit etc. I need to get a plan as I'm on PAYG and spending more currently than I used to (top up used to be £10 mth, now more like £20), making calls/texts etc.

He's not coming home again tonight, another work thing. He did tell me before but with life getting in the way - and my head still swimming - and it not being on the calendar I forgot. I got called in for some extra hours last night which threw me and meant I didn't see him. (I did 6-12 instead of 8-12, god that was a long evening, didn't even have dinner).

I only really remembered this morning when I noticed his shaving gel and toothbrush weren't there. Would have been nice to have a little note, or even a text, reminding me he wasn't home. Just a reminder. I don't care if he's here or not. I sent him a not so polite text asking why he didn't remind me and he said that DD was sure I knew/had remembered. Not sure why DD would as I didn't talk to her about anything like that last night.

Is it wrong to just want reminding of something that affects me? Or is it an overreaction?

I know my plan has faults, but they'll be faults I'll deal with on my own when they happen. OH has the decent wage, he can afford a mortgage on top of a decent deposit from the sale of the house. The kids will be at or going to Uni (if DD decides to go) so they won't be living there full time but will still have a home to go to.

He is a good dad and although it sounds like he's not right now, it's the way I've painted it I think. He will look after them. It's me that's the problem. He wants to be away from me.

OH can give them financial stability, more than me. He has a good job that could potentially go further, giving him a better wage. By him having most of the equity I can then rent whatever I can find within my wage bracket. If it's goes tits up it's just me to worry about. The kids will be safe. I can live in a 1 bed studio, they can't. Renting is unpredictable sometimes, the kids don't need that.

I was walking the dog this morning and it occurred to me, I'm not a coper. I don't cope. I can't deal with things, I panic. I just drift. I don't enjoy life and I don't want the kids to have the same attitude.

My main goal is to make sure the kids have a home. They're both old enough not to need me any more. OH can give them a home. They'll be 21 and 18 when we sell the house (if not before).
I would suggest to him not selling this house, but the debts are one thing OH wants to get rid of.
I haven't talked to a Solicitor yet. CAB is Monday and then a Sol after that.

I'll be taking DD out to dinner later. I have xmas money my Dad gave me, I'll be using that. I need to just get out. it won't be a fancy dinner and we have a 50% of voucher I hope we can use. Cooking at the moment has lost all meaning. I've never been a fan but it's getting tedious. I don't really have 'cravings' any more.

After I came home last night (well this morning) the house looked the same as I left it earlier. I have told them not to wash up (as OH is the type that leaves bits on plates etc. so I just have to rewash them) but they hadn't even wiped over the sides. Rinsed the plates. That upset me. Everything upsets me right now. Cried most of the morning. The dog walk set me off, then it carried on. Weird day.

I've just realised I've been waffling. Sorry.

OH is taking DD to see a singer she wants to see in a few months. There was only 1 ticket left so he'll have to wait wherever he can.

But op, if you live in a studio flat how will you see the kids? They will still want to see you/stay over. Won't they? You seem very sure that they're old enough and don't need you. I'm afraid I don't agree!

You've made some huge steps in the last couple of weeks, it is bound to make you feel uncomfortable especially if it has forced you into a proactive role rather than the passive one you are used to when depressed. He has had a long time to toy with the idea of leaving and he hadn't considered more than the fundamental idea, when he sprung it on you, you've been left trying to sort out all the practicalities for real and it must be overwhelming.

Please don't make any hasty agreements giving up your home or the marital assets inc pensions, or taking the responsibility for the debt (fair share ought not be 50:50 given his higher salary even if they were jointly run up) all these things need to be considered and negotiated together.

Have your mental health appointment, consider the medication, speak to a good solicitor about all your options. Take care of yourself, you are dealing with a lot, and it is a huge leap from where you were, the job especially after all this time.

Remember that the location of the house isnt convenient for his OW/OM his work so he might not want it, let alone the responsibility for the children and dog too. And you said before that you want that outcome for your DD as she would end up keeping house.

I need to think. He's not here tonight, as I said, so it's been relaxing.

Yes, the appointment is tomorrow.

That's a brilliant idea.

He gets a big house, children and dog stay with him. He's well off, goes on holiday regularly, buys children nice birthday presents etc, maybe in time, another woman will move into his nice big house, get friendly with your children, enjoy the holidays and the lifestyle.

You eek out a pathetic hand to mouth existence in one rental property after another at the whim of landlords, never go on holiday, work until you're ready to drop with exhaustion, hardly ever see the children because they can't stay at your place, feel bad because you can't even afford to buy them presents.

When the children get married, him and his new wife will contribute to the wedding, looking tanned and lovely from their recent holiday, buy expensive presents. You'll turn up in your manky dress because you have no money for a new dress, obviously can't afford more than a pathetic present.

Then you'll retire and eek out the rest of your life in some dismal nasty flat, too scared to go out because of the crime and anti-social behaviour in the only place you can afford to live on your inadequate state pension.

Perfect solution.

Hi Hope you had a better evening and managed to relax a bit. Suggest you write all your thoughts down in a diary and start to write down too any bills you need to pay. This will help you to focus a bit and not having things going round in your head all the time. So your thinking gets onto paper and then you can refer back to it.

Remember he has had a lot more time to think about all of this than you have. Let the professionals help you with your upcoming appointments. Hedda`s post is harsh reality but spot on. Your children will not want that for you and neither do we.

It's over now, you sound low and this can make you feel like nothing will get better and you don't deserve better.

Please don't make any changes until you get some support.

Op don't! The kids have nearly left home, so don't worry too much about providing a big house for them, they won't use it for long.

Your husband has had a lifetime of building up his career whilst you've cared for his kids and home. Now you've split up you've got to be realistic about what you are owed and what is fair. And your kids will absolutely not want to see their mum living on a pittance in a bedsit! That will worry them so much and will resent their dad living it up whilst their mum struggles. So even if you think you're being selfless, it isn't best for anyone.

He's earning well and you said he's going to progress, so he'll have no problem finding somewhere to live or buying you out. Neither of you require the big family home now because you've split up and the kids are going to uni and then probably move out.

You really need to get a SHL and go from there. Please op.

Yes, sorry, that was harsh and probably not helpful, considering how low you are already feeling. I'm just very concerned that you are going to make a decision which will be hugely detrimental to you long term because of your current feelings of hopelessness.

Take your time, take advice and don't make any irrevocable decisions right now

This is the best time in your life to be selfish since your little bitch of a STBXH certainly is. Remember, you have to look after yourself first before anyone else.

I think you have spent so much time being a wife and mother that you have forgotten who you are. Why not think of things you want to do for you? Start with anything.
For instance why not go to your local library and read up on anything that seems interesting. This will help you decide what you want.

Do you seriously think that STXDH gives two shits about you? He is not your friend.

It's just because Hedda cares, she doesn't want you to make decisions in a rush and when you are under stress, that will adversely affect you and the kids down the line .

HeddaGarbled - To be frank, right now as long as my kids are OK that's all I want.
His life will be like that any way with his wage. Once the debts are cleared and our mortgage, even if he gets a new one he takes home about £3k per month, so £1k on a mortgage will be a snip.

I'm a simple person to be honest. I don't need flashy cars, holidays, clothes, jewellery, shoes.... I don't wear dresses.... but the trousers will be clean!

I understand what you're saying, I do. I have a feeling my family won't let me make those decisions (the plan) anyway.

But yes I do need to step back. Start a journal, writing down everything. I've never done that before. I can normally type things on the net very easily but when sitting down having to write something I find that harder.

I had my appointment this morning, to decide about the counselling. The guy thought cognitive therapy could help. He'll let me know next week and we'll go from there. He seemed a nice guy and asked a lot of questions, wasn't sure what to say for a few of them so just told him that! I may or may not see him again for any thing. I did shed a tear now and then, felt a right muppet. He didn't seem fazed though.

The one thing I really want to do is take the kids to Florida. Always have. OH and I have been but we haven't had the money to take the kids. I know it's a pipe dream but it could happen one day.... once I've got the courage to go on hol by myself without him. Of course they might not even want to go by the time I could afford to save up. I will though.

OH still hasn't told me what the extra £17 on the phone plan was/is. Suspect he'll just drop it into conversation in the next month or wait until I ask. As usual.
I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to right now, but if he has something to say he should bloomin' well say it. All this 'we need to keep talking' crap is again just lip service. I shouldn't need to keep asking. It's not like I shut him down, I just don't sit there smiling sweetly. I get narked.

Got called to go in an hour early again tonight. I guess I could say no but can't see why not (nothing to do that can't wait - ironing...) and the money helps. At least I got more than 1/2 hrs notice this time so could eat some lunch.

As I'm out early tonight I've text him and DD to tell them about dinner plans, and that he needs to keep DD informed of his travel plans and ETA so she knows what's going on. DD has replied so far...... he has not.

Keep talking to us on here. That is great that you went to the counsellor. Please dont worry about crying. That is normal and it would be more worrying if you couldnt cry.

Just remember, enough money gives you choices, including being able to be in our comfort zones. Not having a choice puts a person under pressure.

In order to make sure your kids are all right, both of you need to be as comfortable as you can be. The above posters are right that if you were to give him the equity in the house he could take most of the family money and walk away from all responsibility towards the children.
Take care and start writing your diary!

OH replied about tonight. He'll text DD when he leaves. I told him to text her his plans NOW and when he leaves.... she needs to know now where things stand. It's not about keeping tabs (as he's calls it) it's about knowledge and communication!

Going the Florida is a good start. Now is the time to make a plan of action about how its going to happen.

How have the kids taken it? I'll bet a dime to a dollar that there's an OW involved.

OH has just text about the deposit. He needs to sign and pay Friday so asked me to transfer it to main account. I replied 'yes sir'. I am not amused.

I've asked to see the agreement. He said he's emailing it to me but I said if he's signing something he will get a copy. I want to see that.

GeekLove - the kids seem to have taken it fine. They weren't shocked. Guess living in the house with us they notice things we don't. Will still keep talking to DD (and obviously DS but he's at Uni) to make sure OK.

Well here's the email version:

Date of tenancy to begin on // and will be for a minimum of 6 months, to be reviewed //___ and renewable by mutual consent. If you wish to leave at any time following the initial year rental period you agree to provide a minimum one month’s notice. If, at any time, I have to ask you to leave, I also agree to provide you with at least one month’s notice.

Rent of £400.00 per calendar month will be paid one month in advance at the beginning of each calendar month by standing order. The room rental charge is subject to a yearly review and may be required to be adjusted following discussion between the parties.

A deposit the equivalent of one months rent (£400.00) must be paid within a week of taking up this Tenancy Agreement. This deposit is refundable at the conclusion of the Tenancy period – less any outstanding claims for rent arrears, damage to the room property (beyond normal wear and tear) or damage caused by yourself to other house contents. The cost of any damages to furniture/carpet/fittings in the let room or house will be deducted from your deposit refund or charged additionally if greater than the deposit amount. If there are no claims the deposit will be refunded in full.

The monthly rent will include:
Council Tax
Use of Kitchen Facilities
General Home Contents Insurance

Electricity
Gas Water Rates
Toilet Paper/Bin Liners Cleaning Products
WiFi Internet Connection TV Licence

High value personal belongings or furniture in the let room may not be covered under my home insurance so you may wish to consider taking out your own insurance to cover these.

In the case of emergencies or repairs, I will require access to your room but will always attempt to discuss such access in advance.

I/we ask you to take be responsible for the upkeep of the let room and assisting in the general home maintenance by sharing in cleaning, especially in the kitchen and bathroom and by being respectful of the fabric of the home.

Is the deposit money coming from your joint savings account?

I thought the room was being rented from an elderly couple? The contract here says a lots of "Is and mys" eg "I will require access to your room and "my home insurance". This sounds like a single person renting to another "single" person to me. Can you pm the address to one of the posters and we can check it out for you?

You do not need 2 cars and a motorbike. Especially as he is moving closer to work. Please ask the solicitor what they would advise as the sale of one of these could release some cash. Please talk to the solicitor before giving him the deposit money. He can wait surely a few days?

I note the rental agreement makes no mention of not allowing pets. Therefore he can have the dog over weekends when you are working.

Also urgent is that the solicitor can also advise about making sure your STBXH cannot put further debt on the joint credit cards or the Mortgage.

sorry in wanting to get my message typed I forgot these! Deep breath. Keep going. I know it seems really awful now but sometimes it is good to remember you have two healthy lovely kids, supportive family, the guts to get a job and see a counsellor, all in under 4 weeks.