Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

notangelinajolie Thanks. It is nice knowing others feels the same (sounds wrong saying it like that).

One day at a time.

Graphista - Oh no, I understood that. Each situation matters for sure, and different people handle the situations differently, not wrong, just different. We all muddle through.

Well yesterday was a blip, still not feeling 100% but better as the dreaded monthly has started! It's like a cloud lifts, very weird but I'm sure some (most?) women will know what I mean.

Sounds strange, and I know toilet breaks are allowed at work, just not the 'procedure'! Have to ask the manager tonight when I go in, do I tell him about a toilet break or just wander off! Staff or customer toilets?! It's there little things I worry about, which may sound daft but the first couple of days are quite heavy so knowing I can just wander off if needed will help my thoughts. Plus for future reference it'll be nice to know!

I will try plasters and double socks tonight, popped the blister earlier so that will help! Then if not successful I will try your suggestion! I will be taking a couple of plasters for any knife incidents as well. Felt a right banana wandering upstairs the other day dripping blood!

Shelf stacking is confusing as well! LOL! So many products and all in not logical places! don't get me started on the nails/screws! Bloomin' hundreds! They all look the same!

Looking around online, once OH moves out it looks like I will be able to get Child tax credits but not Working tax credits yet. As they go on last yrs income and I didn't have one. After April I should be able to put in a claim for the Working ones. Also I can enquire about the council tax situation. We have a break in Feb and March so that always helps with paying the car and house insurance (all due together!).

I need to go into CAB at some point. Will pluck up the courage next week. Have to phone a solicitor as well.

• when I said we have a break in feb/mar I meant the council payments!
  I will ask about the working tax credits, not just assume I won't get them, but won't factor it into any equation just yet in case i'm right.

Just wanted to say I think you are amazing & as a manager Id much rather you asked me a million questions to start with and get things right. Please don't worry about that.

Hotwaterbottle1 - Thanks.

I know the manager at my place thinks that way as well, trouble is I don't!
I don't like to bother people! My issue that I need to resolve. I will need to keep asking questions though, otherwise I'll just get it wrong which will cause more problems.

Must try to loosen up tonight. And drink the hot chocolate slower so as not to burn my mouth! Tea break is at 10pm every night, on the 8-12 shift it sounds OK but on the 6-12 shift it seems ages away when you start.

Agree I've been a boss and employees who ask/check are less irritating than cocky ones who THINK they know and mess up!

You sound like you're doing really well getting stuff organised. You're right to err on side of caution but check on tax credits. That system is so complicated. I'm sure it's so nobody knows what they're meant to get!!

Agreeing also. I'm sure your Manager is happy to tell you how everything works and he/she will not be expecting you to know everything straight away.

You are doing great. The 2 'free' months Council Tax is great - we used to do this for Water Rates too. We have now switched to paying over 12 months for both as we feel it helps us budget better as the monthly payments are less. Maybe worth looking into if it helps?

I can laugh about it now but I applied online for a Christmas shelf stacking job at Boots a couple of years ago ... got an email back saying I wasn't suitable. I think i must have scared them with my answers! I cried for days.

Have a good weekend!

Another night under my belt. 1st week over. Last night wasn't too bad. Managed the 1st 2 hrs on my own OK. Had to ask a few questions (and so many shoppers wanting to know where things were). Overall the bits I was given to unpack were straightforward. The rest wasn't the best, mainly as still the newbie means the others talk more to each other and I feel like a spare part. The other newbie goes off with the fork lift dude to help him.

I know it's a job, and I will obviously stick at it for as long as I can, but god it's a little boring, not to mention by the end of the evening (actually before the end) my feet are in a great deal of pain. I'm sure my walking gradually gets worse during the evening.....

I will be checking the council tax after OH leaves, mainly as I want to make sure he's gone (!) and as we have the 2 months spare it won't matter for the next few payments, as there aren't any. I think I will ask about changing to 12 months. I've always mentioned it to OH in the past about doing that so we can budget better but he's never been keen (obviously, as we never did it!). The 2 'free' months are nice but no idea how much it would be over 12 so will find out.
With DS back at Uni for the next few months, and OH leaving, the water and electricity should go down. Showers alone will be halving for instance, not to mention the PC (elec) usage etc. Anything I save on food shopping will be taken up by OH's budget so no saving there.

notangelinajolie - I've had a go at applying for jobs in Tesco (as we have 2 very local) over the yrs and got turned down several times. Not sure what the heck they want in an employee as the ones in my locals aren't really up to speed with life let alone working in a shop! Really did make me question myself getting turned down for shelf stacking!

Glad the job is getting better - the more you get used to it, the easier it will seem (sorry, stating the bleedin' obvious there!)

I hope so!

It's something I can do until I look for a more suitable job - I won't say 'better' job as all jobs are good, it's just comes down to what you want to do. The people working there at the moment seem to love that particular job. Which is great, but I couldn't keep doing it, it's not me as such. It's great for now. Main reason is it doesn't pay enough, as it's just part time and no chance of doing more full time work.

It'll be a stepping stone for you though - an important step in the right direction.

Very true. I'm thinking of sticking at it for quite a while. Obviously still playing it month by month as things change.

Another day. It's a weird one. I'm feeling...blank. No emotions at all. Not happy. Sad. Just here.

We took OH's car to the garage place who does the MOT so it can be done tomorrow. OH hasn't thought through what will happen if it doesn't pass. Apparently I have the option to go by train tomorrow to pick it up if it does pass (or OH leaves work early so we can pick it up). I told him I have to leave for work at 7.30...
If we don't have the car back by Tuesday he said he'll take his bike. Given he hasn't started it for 2 weeks that should be interesting. He should be out there now checking it but..... yeah. he's not.

Today, as well as feeling 'blank' in the head, I'm confused. Between the solicitor and CAB I'm not sure what to ask who. I don't want to waste time with either of them by forgetting stuff. I know I should write stuff down. I've been thinking too much, reading too much online and just absorbing too much information in my head.
I need to make a list to ask OH to show me before he leave. I probably know most of it but I want to make sure. That way I don't have to keep ringing to ask him stupid things. The less contact we have the better for me. I don't know how he sees it but that's my POV.

Came across a blog about suicidal thoughts last night. I could have written it. :/ Don't think I'd ever go through with it but the same thoughts are there.

I did make a decision after checking some things on the net. I'd prefer to go back to my maiden name when we get divorced. Never really wanted to change it but thought it was just the done thing. The kids won't care what I'm called. But I do. I won't be a 'mrs'. Both my MIL and I are 'mrs a nother'. Never really liked that for some bizarre reason!

OH doesn't seem to realise why I don't trust him any more and am questioning anything he does now and everything in the past.

He sounds so incredibly unhelpful in a passive sort of way! Why isn't he checking his motor bike? He was the one who wanted to end the marriage, wasn't he?

His behaviour would drive me round the bend - it's as if he has started the process, but now he's sitting back and letting you do all the work!

I'm sorry to hear that you are having suicidal thoughts. You really need to take this seriously and talk to someone about it.

Have you started taking the anti depressants that your GP prescribed?

Of course STBXH doesn't understand why you don't trust him anymore. He's not changed, he's doing now what he's been doing for the last 20years. Which is whatever suits him.

It's YOU who has changed and is being difficult and unreasonable , from his perspective.

For 20 years he's done what he wants and you've not complained about his selfishness and now you are. He's like a teenager old who can't understand why his mother doesn't want himself to move into his own flat.

And it's fine to question things about the past. But you need to do this in your own mind or with your friends /family. There's no point in talking to him about it, it will only cause more rows and you don't need that stress,
You need to focus more on the future Insead of upsetting yourself anylysing the past.

And you are right , you need to wrote everything down and get it out your head.

Naicehamshop - he is yeah. He's a good guy really but not the right type for me. Well I don't think he's thought of it. Although I did say he'll be lucky if it starts, that still didn't make a difference. When he started it a couple of weeks ago, well I say started it, the battery was flat so he had to charge it. I'm thinking if OH's car doesn't come back for Tuesday he'll just take mine. Which is fine (well necessity) in the past, but now?

Guess I have to keep him on my side as if my car doesn't pass it's own MOT next week I'll need his car for work....

To him he just sees things like changing the name on bills as the biggest issue right now I think. I've told him to hold out longer on that, I want to talk to CAB first....just to make sure it's the right thing to do.

I asked him earlier about DMP's, his answer re: not going on a DMP when I've suggest it for yrs is: it would mean no credit cards.... work that out and he would feel like we weren't paying our debts off. He does say he looked them up online but I still don't think he understands what a DMP is. You DO pay the debts you've built up but just (hopefully) stop future interest being added.

So his 'pride' was stopping us clearing things sooner. That makes me mad. But he has assured me his decision to skip the DMP wasn't about him thinking about this separation decision earlier and affecting his credit rating. I want to believe him.

Don't help him sort his car out. Not your problem anymore. He's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want you, so he shouldn't be getting your help.

Kr1stina - the thoughts have always been there. I know I would never act on them but one part of the blog I read was exactly how I feel. It was weird reading it back and realising that.

I am having a meeting on Wed with someone from the referral I made re: counselling. To see if any services they offer can help.

The thing with OH is, if he HAS to do something because it's broken or has a deadline, then he will, if he has to do something he understands then he will. If not then he won't. He's always been the same. Always will be I think. In a way I'm glad I won't have to concern myself with that any more.

I do admit I haven't been good with that stuff either. Talking to people has never been my strong point and I've shoved all that stuff in OH's direction.

True, talking to him winds him up AND me. Can't keep talking to family though, they need a break from it! I just need to concentrate on now and the future. Whatever that may be. (easier said than done but will try).

Work will hopefully get easier next week. I'll ask about the new shoes so my feet can get a break! I need to sort out a routine for food as well, it all seems to rushed right now.

The dog is concerning me tbh. He's not a happy chappy. DD is good with him, but obviously isn't downstairs a lot. OH only sees him when he comes down from his room, so not very often but doesn't play with him any more either.

I try, and he gets a walk a day but it doesn't seem enough. We did say we'd take the dog to agility but that never happened (OH was keen as mustard talking about it at the start). *it would take 2 people really as he gets car sick and doggie prefers OH's car (harder suspension, less bouncing!) and it was something we could do together/as a family.... that never happened and I think doggie would love agility. He loves being around others dogs too.
Taking him anywhere in my car will be a nightmare as it's too bouncy for him, he hated it when we tried him in it. Going to have to spend time working with doggie on that. See if we can solve it. I just worry for the future, not only bills but once DD goes to work or even Uni. It'll all be down to me.

I need to keep a diary, although this thread sort of is AND helps.

You do need to ensure an equitable financial split. Do not be fooled into thinking 'so long as I can pay the bills, that's fine' because not only will you get a raw deal but...

What about when your children get married? Will he put his hand in his pocket then?

What if he gets remarried? He could leave nothing to your children. Financial motivations aside, how hurt would they feel if he just said 'I'm fine with whatever' to his new wife, and all his money (some of which = yours but you didn't ensure you got it) goes to her/her kids? Esp if he left things to any future step siblings that they may have. It would cause untold problems.

Marriage is 50/50 for good reason. One of you stops attending a workplace and receiving a salary doesn't mean that person isn't working.

I 100% believe in getting everything in your head out and onto paper. It is something I have done for years, mine is not exactly a diary - its more like a journal with everything from 'to do' lists, passwords, phone numbers, web sites, car insurance, sometimes I doodle in it and sometimes I write letters to myself. It's my very own mind cupboard that I can throw all my junk/reminders/crappy thoughts in. I keep it next to my bed and find that getting it all down on paper clears my head and I sleep better.

Let your DH make his own mistakes, it's about time he did some of his own thinking. RL won't run as smoothly as he thinks it will without you.

How are you today, op?

I hope that things are progressing well.

I think I've come up with a solution to all this that can make everyone comfortable.

I like 'comfort zones', I hate being outside mine. Moving further north is not an option for me. I'd rather be on my own and rent somewhere I'm comfortable than upsticks somewhere I don't want to live just to own my own place. I can't do it. I'd be miserable.

OH can take most of the equity, therefore giving him a hefty deposit for a place with a mortgage. No debts so he could afford to live & budget no problem. That way he can buy a place big enough for him and the kids. That is the main goal here - the kids have a place to come back to that they can call home. They can also keep the dog.

I can rent wherever I can afford close to wherever I work at that point. It won't matter how small it is as it'll be just me. I don't enjoy life. I'd be lying if I said I do. That won't change. I've been living this way most of my life. I get up because I have to. Typing something on the internet is easy, people advising you what you should do is easy, sadly it doesn't change how I go about things . I wish it did, but I'm not that sort of person. I wish I was. I see how other people are and know I'm different.

The kids and OH will be moving on. So will I, just in a different way.
Thank you for all your kind words and advice. I wish you all a happy 2017.