Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Just finished reading the whole thread
OP you are incredibly strong and patient, I hope your first day at work went as well as can be expected.
I too have been a SAHP and have just started applying for jobs.
It's been great to read the supportive posts on here from other MNetters.
You're better off without him OP and I really hope working gives you back some confidence and also increases your social circle. You come across as a lovely person

I read the whole thread and wanted to say all the best for starting your new job.

Also I wondered if you had considered that your hormones might be making you feel down if there is an imbalance. It wouldn't hurt to get a hormone test done to see if there is an imbalance. You can take supplements to help with your pms. Agnus castus helps with pms and you can get it from holland and Barrett. I took it with success and it might help you too.

Well I lasted the evening! Back tomorrow night for some real work. Tonight was induction/ropes. The other starter was half my age!

Good for you!

Thanks everyone. It seemed to be OK. There were only 6 on the evening/night shift tonight, including us 2 newbies and the manager! Not every night has the same amount of people either. I will only be doing mon/tues/wed but long evenings so will need to drink hot chocolate during the break to stay awake! I will start later so can make dinner before going. Didn't feel peckish tonight, too many butterflies.

Wikkitikki - good luck with your search! If I can get a job anyone can!
I nearly chickened out, gotta say. I went into panic mode when I couldn't find the right socks for my new work boots! Sadly my daughter has the same anxiety problem I do with new things so I'm hoping I can show her it's worth it, putting yourself out there. She was upset because I was getting upset (and that's how she feels) so I text her after I left to speak to her dad about it when I was out. Not sure if it happened or how it went. I'll ask her in the morning.

Araminta99 - I have wondered about hormones - not only with PMS but other stuff - but not sure my Doc would do a test even if I asked. (it is the Doc's who do it? You can see I'm clued up on these things!)

Hello itsover. I've just read through your thread and I think you are an inspiration and so positive after the crappy last few weeks you have been through. I hope the new job goes well Your children must be really proud of you tonight.

also awaiting Araminta's reply re hormones with interest

Well done on getting through first night at job!

Feeling slightly more confident today. Went shopping with a spring in my step! Hoping that lasts!
A lady at the shop I now work in (strange saying that!) that served me, she was there last night while I was training and she recognised me so started talking. Seemed very nice. I won't actually see her as she finishes when I arrive but it was nice. Plus, after the walk around last night, I actually knew where to go and get what I wanted! Normally I wander around thinking where is it!

Onward and upward. Hopefully I can help my DD overcome her shyness.

Well done OP

I'm sure your DD will come out of her shell if she goes to uni. My eldest lacked confidence and she changed so much after one term at uni. Having to deal with finances and cooking and also a different city did wonders for her.

She didn't have a part time job until she went to uni, I didn't really push her as she didn't have time with her A levels and was also a helper at Guides and Brownies.

Thought you were the mnetter now featuring on the daily mail website.

Bastards!!!

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4084482/How-does-survive-Mother-left-feeling-unlovable-failure-husband-left-assistant-New-Year-s-Eve.html

That's not this thread. Still yuck though.

That thread has now been deleted. The Daily Mail is a shit rag.

How are you feeling today, op?

Well, last night went as expected. A shambles for me. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and felt so self conscious. I dislike anything out of my comfort zone. I hated it. I asked so many questions. I wandered around like a lost puppy. I was fearing they'd just give me something to do and leave me and they did. I thought I'd be shadowing someone, showing me the ropes. But it was me and the other newbie, who seems very confident for his young years. The manager was around and said to ask but you can't keep doing that. You need to use your initiative and I have none. Doesn't help I nearly sliced the end of my finger off with the knife while opening something.
There's a reason I stopped working and that was it. There's a reason I don't go out of the house a lot - and that was it.
This morning was horrible. Emotional doesn't cover it. Coincidently it's PMS time. I haven't ended it because I don't have the courage to do it. I use my DD as an excuse, I don't want to leave her, but really that's just what I said, an excuse. And I don't like pain.
I don't like acting. And everything I've been doing lately is an act. Thinking if I act the right way it'll help. It doesn't. I don't see a way forward. I don't feel confident. I don't want a future. my marriage failure is mine alone. Yes my OH has issues, but it's not a 50/50. That's a lie. It's purely my fault. I know it. I'm trying to deflect it. The blame game.
I haven't called a solicitor or gone to CAB because I can't. It takes every ounce of energy for me to do anything else. To act confident. I'm not.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Right now, me renting a room on my own and OH staying in the house is a very real situation. Actually, the only one.
The mortgage we have can't be extended. To take it on myself I'd need to re-apply if we take OH's name off. On my wage. Never going to happen.
I hate pressure. I hate making mistakes. I hate relying on other people. I make excuses a lot. Like now.

I don't mind hard work. I love it. I want to be busy. To be useful. I just need molly coddling and at my age you can't do that. It's pathetic. I need a slap. Telling me to do it doesn't work either. I agree and then don't do anything.
I can do things if I'm walked through the situation. That's how bad I am. OH got sick of all this. I get sick of it. But can't seem to snap out of it. I look at how other people are, all confident and out going and get jealous. I've never been like that. I've always wanted to be like that. I worry about what people think of me too much. I don't think I gave a good impression last night, 2 of them I'd never met before. Not sure what they thought of this clingy person who resorted to following them around like a puppy. I also have blisters. The work boots are painful. I need to buy new ones.

I know I'm in better positions than a lot of people. I know. I just.

Thank you for all your replies and advice. It all makes sense. I just can't follow through with it. Story of my life really. OH calls all the shots right now as he can.
sorry for the rambling. There's so much to do.

You're at rock bottom now, things can only get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel and that is a life with him. Pick yourself up, tomorrow is another day.

itsover I am a manager and currently have four new people who just joined my team and the firm I work for. I have zero expectations and my job as their manager is to make sure they are trained. You are being very hard on yourself.

What I hear from your post is depression/anxiety as well as all the crap from your OH walking out on you coming out. Take a step back, you have a list of what needs to be done. Do you have a sibling or a parent who can help you through this? If the only thing you do today is call them and ask for help that is a huge step in the right direction.

What sittingonthesofa has said.

You deserve a happy and fulfilling life. No matter what you insist, you do not need a slap. You sound depressed. And frankly, given what you've been through, I'm not surprised. Go and see a doctor. Please.

Don't make any major decisions. Do not give everything to OH. Certainly don't move into rented accommodation !

New jobs are always hard. I've been in my profession over 20 years and I still have crises of confidence when I start a new job. Always!

Hang on in there.

You have done more than I can way more! ( Agoraphobic 4 months housebound so far) so in my eyes you are brave, calm, confident, competent (if you weren't somebody would have said something) fucking heroic in my eyes!

That said. Asking for help is a good thing, scary but good. I'm gradually doing it - it's hard. One step at a time!

Thank you for your words. Sorry for the meltdown.

Feeling a bit better this evening. Had a major meltdown this morning. Just couldn't stop it. Still feeling like crap, but the headache has gone.
Still holding off taking the pills the Doc prescribed.
I've had a letter confirming an appointment with the counselling referral I asked for, next Wednesday. They will then see if the service is suitable for me and what kind of service. I will make a decision about the pills after that.

The person (OH) I relied on is leaving. Whether the trust has been there or not, that was always regarding fidelity not this situation. But now I don't know him and have no idea whether he's gong to screw me over. I want to believe he won't. I certainly have no intention of screwing him over so want to believe the same about him. The uncertainty is horrible.

Cancelled Sky over chat today. Pretended to be OH, as I'm sure he hasn't even tried to do it since we last had the conversation. If they come back with any deals I will think carefully but won't just sign back up for the sake of it. We'll miss it but it's not important right now. While I'm working some evenings I won't even be watching it as much.

In the house I feel confident. Outside of it I'm screwed.

Graphista - Sorry about your situation. Things like that make me realise it could be way worse - trouble is everyone sees their troubles as the big thing.

Gotta work tomorrow night. I think it's worse because last night (and tomorrow) are long shifts. 6 hrs. Doesn't sound long compared to a full days work, but the first 2 hrs are when the shop is open as well, so I also had people coming up to me, while I was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing, asking where things were or did we sell 'such & such'. After stammering my way through I took them to other people who could help. Mon should be better, it's only 4hrs and I start when the shop shuts. Hoping it does get better.

The ones working there are friendly, trouble is I'm not a big talker. I'm a listener - and shy. Not a good combination.

I guess the manager thought you can't go wrong with shelf stacking. There are so many products though. He said ask him (and I did) but he's all over the place so you end up walking aimlessly around looking... and then there's the young kid just walking through it like he's been doing it for yrs!

Made the mistake of wearing my jacket as well, got well and truly toasted. Trouble is the trousers I'm wearing at the mo don't have pockets so need to keep my keys/phone somewhere. The shop ones do have pockets (a lot) and I should hopefully have those at some point. The locker room is a mess and no lockers are available so I won't be putting a bag in there. Mon should be OK for a bag as the day staff go home when I'm arriving.
Boots hurt like hell. Blisters, the lot. Don't want to buy a pair yet as the shop have hopefully got an order on for trainer style ones not the boot style. Double socks and plasters tomorrow....

I can ask my sister and dad for advice, chats etc... but can't keep doing that when I have a meltdown. They've got their own stuff going on. I need to learn to deal with it.

Glad you feel better this evening op. Honestly, you are doing so well. Keep going.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone else is confident and copes better than you; most people struggle with their confidence at times in their lives, and some people are constantly struggling - they just learn to hide it.

You will get there - don't give up!

OP,
You're being hard on yourself. Please remember that as well as being out of your comfort zone in a new job you are also going through a separation. It's one of the most stressful experiences in life. I think most people would feel like you do if they were going through all this!

In the house I feel confident. Outside of it I'm screwed.

Oh itsover are you me? You are really are doing well, and I am sending you every positive vibe I can. Don't give up on it yet. It will get better, I am sure it will. Take a deep breath - nothing bad will happen, it will be ok.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression on and off for years. It was easier to cope with when the children were young as they kept my mind busy. I was the one who had to look after them and pick them up from school etc but now only my youngest is still at home and our roles are becoming reversed. I hate myself for being so needy on her. I go nowhere on my own. I can't. I don't drive. I don't work. I'm pathetic. Once a month I have to go for a blood test and today my DH had to come home from work and take me and my DD had to go in with me and literally hold my hand. She went inside and booked me in and I stood outside the door until they called my name. I know how it feels to totally rely on someone else and I dread to think what would happen if one day my DH pulled the rug out from under my feet like yours. Somedays I push my DH to the limit and the thought of him leaving me terrifies me. I don't think he is planning this anytime soon but after reading your story it brings it home to me that we never know what is round the corner.

But this isn't about me, it's about you and your new journey and I just wanted to share and to let you know that you are not alone, and if you feel you can't share your thoughts in RL please share them on here. I can't speak for other posters but I am sure they are thinking of you just like I am.

Be strong. You are an amazing lady and you are doing really really well. You can do this, please keep telling yourself this. Hugs.

Not the point I meant at all, everyone's 'tough' matters the same. Just different flavours.

You are being bloody marvelous! You called sky, you're planning for work. Shelf stacking us far more complex than people realise, I did it as a student and as well as being very physical there's tons of directives from hq about what goes where and how and why... so give yourself a break.

Shoes hurting - can you get some if those gel heel inserts? Better than plasters, also (this will sound weird) socks then thick tights over socks NOT the other way, better than double socks.