Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

And a big YES to disenchanting him of the idea he gets to just walk away, make you pay half the debts, sell your and your children's home possibly at a financial loss, etc all kinds of crap JUST cos that's what HE wants NO he has responsibilities he doesn't get to just walk away without a backwards glance!

I do accept the cards are joint yes and will try to help pay them off when I can. My starter wage will only go so far but I'm hoping in a few months I can think about full time work. Then I can really pay most of my way. I'm actually looking forward to it. Spending money my way (sensibly!) and doing the budget my way! I don't want the debt to hang around any longer than it has to!

Use solicitor only for financial stuff directly relating to the divorce, like about the house, spousal maintenance and your rights (if any) to a portion of his pension.

The credit cards are part of the 'financial stuff' and former part of full disclosure.

I was referring to bills being in ops name minor stuff like that

I want to keep seeing the solicitor a secret for now, my OH goes back to work tomorrow, DD goes back to college Wed but DS isn't away to Uni until Sat.
I'll figure a way to call them! I'd ask them for a call back but knowing my luck DS will be sitting here eating his lunch when they do!

Yes the solicitor can set me right on a few things - hopefully! I just want fair.

I'm not sure how long he'll have to live in the 1 bedroom he's renting, I don't think he'll mind but it could become a bit weird for him.

I've told him to call the mortgage people as normal, but only for advice at this stage, no names. I want to see the solicitor first and this isa way to stall him. I did say it made more sense to go see the mortgage place when I've been working a few months so I have payslips etc... it will also give me peace of mind to know it if can be done. I don't mind having a 20 yr mortgage if I can actually afford it.

He knows he has to pay child maintenance for a while, not sure he knows how long though. DD is looking at Uni places for 2018.

OH did tell me he hasn't really had time to look at things yet. He feels he can't when in the same room as DS. I did say DS won't be paying attention as he's on his PC gaming with headphones on! Not sure what stuff he's going to be looking at that DS can't see though given DS knows we're splitting. OH also needs space to think, so he'll deal with more when he's gone. (his words).

Thanks for all the good wishes re: the new job. Hoping it's going to go well! Not sure of the hours (per night) as I obviously haven't got my rota yet. 16 hrs per week, so could be anywhere between 4pm - 12am! Need coffee to keep awake! even though I don't drink coffee any more! (aggravates my PMS something rotten! cutting out tea/coffee has helped enormously there.)

Need to ring the counselling referral place back tomorrow as well. See what they say.

Just read your thread and a few things spring to mind

Firstly Well Done for going out and finding work - really hard after being out of the workplace for so long, and shows a commitment to sort things out for your children should this end up in court.

Secondly, your stbxh seems, as many have said, to think that he can cut and run - trying to make you agree to 'oh so sensible' 50-50 splits of things, and push to sell house when DD hits 18 smacks of someone who is out for themselves.

Have you asked your stbxh where he thinks DD will live after she hits 18? and DS? until they officially move out they still need a home, and although HE is looking to be sitting pretty with outgoings for one, a lump sum a £50K salary and £40K pension, you will have far reduced earning capacity and responsibility for 3

You need to consider that a judge will reckon, given that it was a joint decision for you to stay home, which has allowed him to work early/late/ away and leaving you responsible for all childcare/homecare, that you have contributed to the family as much as he has with his income. Its about the only time when being a SAHM is given any value, and so the fact that your career has taken a hit, and you are unlikely to climb the ladder to the same level as if you have not been out of the game, is often looked at in regard spousal maintanance given the long length of the marriage. You may not WANT spousal maintanance, but it could certainly be used, along with the pension, to offset some of the equity in the house.
You need also to look at the situation regarding parental support for university for the children.
Its possible that child maintanance will be payable beyond 18 if they are in full time education, especially if they are coming home in the holidays.
The credit cards and statements of them are certainly something to ask to see, in regards attributing 'household' expenditure and his personal expenditure - this is particularly relevent if some are online and you cant see them - you may find that he has an expensive hobby that you dont know about!

Well done, you are doing really well and working your way through the list of tasks.

You will need to go in and see a solicitor BTW , you can't instruct them over the phone. They need to see your ID like passport and proof of address . Law society rules I'm afraid.

Why does DS need to be there when you talk to them on the ohone ? Surely you have a cordless house phone or a mobile. You are 43, you don't need anyone's permission to make or receive phone calls [ grin] .

Does the £42 k of credit card debt include the £15k in your name?

Oh yes Piglet...he went berserk with the cards.

I think his boozy mates told him to run up a lot of debt, because I would get it if I got the house.so he did.

There was all his meals with his ow. Groceries, presents ...oh what a good time they had.

And they all came back to him like pigeons going home to roost.
He also told a mountain of lies all the way through and I think that was the way the judge made sure justice was eventually done.
He had been left three years by the time the financial settlement was done we'd lived apart for three years.

God Dowser - that's horrendous. Thank goodness for a sensible judge!

Good luck with the new job today .

Kr1stina - Re: the solicitor, Oh I meant when I actually call to make the appointment. I know I need to see them in person, that's not a problem but making the call, you can hear everything in this house! I'll do it tomorrow when I know DS has his headphones one! DD will be at college by then. If I'm trying to keep it quiet it's not fair for DS to know what I'm doing and trying to keep it quiet.

Yes the £42k includes the £15k on my card.

I will to talk to OH about the cards. He will no doubt take his Barclaycard, which is the one we've been using, but if I can convince him to leave the others here he can't use them. I need to make sure he understands he can't just spend on it.

OH thinks buying another place or (the last resort) renting will be OK. I have told him I do not want to rent.

I do want to make it clear OH has said he doesn't want any equity after selling the house. He's adamant about that - right now anyway. Although I don't think he realises how much the house is now worth. It would be enough (at this moment in time) to buy a 2 bed flat in the area. He is more concerned about clearing the mortgage and debts and being able to pay into a pension.

That does pee me off slightly, as he wasn't bothered about clearing the debts before! Even when I have suggested different approaches over the years (DMP, talking to debt company etc..). But NOW he's bothered!

If we can keep the house until DD is at least 18 then the mortgage will go down, the debts will (should) go down and we'll be in a better position. If I can afford the house on my own even better. It's a wait and see game about how he feels in 6 months-18 months. I will try to everything to keep the house if I can. If I've got a good full time job then that would help.

It's not set in stone - selling when DD is 18 - but I think that's his 'go to' thought, as he keeps coming back to it as a plan (mainly to clear the debts!). If we did sell and DD went to the more local Uni for her course that would actually work in my favour - assuming I could get a job in that local area. The only reason to stay in the area we're in now would be because of a job I have (now and in the future).

Thanks, the job is -4 hours away and counting! Getting nervous now!

Good luck with the job.

Focus less on the long term house question and more on the short term getting info from him in writing, confirming emails without specifically saying that's what you're doing. And again any auto payments you can set up before he leaves. Also consider taking some money out of the joint account into your solo one.

And breathe....

According to national debtline, the person who signs the credit agreement is the one liable for debts. So ones in his name are his. Ones in mine are mine.

We have all the bills going out on DD from the joint account. Most of the credit cards are done that way too, with the exception of a few he pays manually.
But yes I need something in writing before he goes as to what he's going to pay.

According to national debtline, the person who signs the credit agreement is the one liable for debts. So ones in his name are his. Ones in mine are mine.

When it comes to the law and financial settlement when divorcing it isn't that straight forward. That is why you need a solicitor.

Also consider taking some money out of the joint account into your solo one.

Again speak to your solicitor before doing this. It maybe that the joint account needs to be frozen.

Scuse my french but bricking it right now! Going to put the uniform (loosely worded there!) on in a minute and I haven't had any dinner ..... oh boy! Had a bag of crisps... can't face more than that. I will make myself do it but the thought of doing it is terrifying me right now..... 'breathe'! Oh boy. Just walk in and start.... There's another guy starting tonight, no idea of age just a name. So I won't be alone, although if he's a natural I could look pretty stupid!
Anyone ever wanted to freeze time?!

You will be fine. You are a naturally friendly and helpful person. No one expects you to know everything on your first day

Do You have time to make yourself a sandwich to eat on the way? Or even grab a piece of fruit

Good luck this evening. Im on active similar position hsving been a sahm gor 18 years.
Ive just started a 2 years college course (September 2016). Its helping to boost my self esteem and confidence no end. I have a job interview this month too for a part time job thats in the same industry as my course. Im terrified but know that the job will further help boost me.
You're doing fab.

Good luck

Good luck. Hope it goes well this evening

Thinking of you

Good luck with the job OP

Hope it goes well tonight! Come back and tell us all about it (if you have the energy/inclination!) X