Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

Graphista - he sounds lovely. Sorry you - and your DD - have gone through that/are going through it. Seems your DD is lucky she's got you. It's your OH's loss where your DD is concerned. He's missing out. She's got you (and family) to show her a future.

I sway between trusting him - as it's his kids he'll hurt more than me - and not trusting him. He's told me I've never trusted him.....and that's probably true. I've always had niggling feelings he's holding stuff back. Which I was proved (kind of) right given he didn't tell me about his teenage issues. I've haven't always been upfront but nothing of that nature!

Once I have my first week of work under my belt I'll feel like I'm actually doing something again. Hoping that's going to be a good feeling. And it gets me out of the house when he's in it! Hopefully the kids will benefit from that this week (DS goes at the weekend).

Oh yes my ex is a flipping delight!

You are doing REALLY well. It's a horrible thing to go through and tough to deal with. I look back at myself at the beginning of my split and want to give THAT me a shake and a slap! But I didn't have mn

I have to call the local counselling (referral) back on Tuesday, see what happens there.

Graphista - I should have given myself a slap years ago! then I wouldn't be in this as deep as I am! But there you go, can't go back. If I can keep calm and keep this job going then I'll feel better.

I know OH and I have to be civil for the kids sake, and I will be, but I don't want to be 'friends' as such. The kids being older means they can organise when they see him without me getting involved - and I will encourage that - but as for OH. No, can't do it. No more joint things unless the kids want it. (graduation,wedding! etc...).

Yes - I think you are right to distance yourself as much as you can.

Good luck for your new job.

HE is very keen on selling the house when your DD is 18 . Because he wants his equity out. He imagines that his responsibility to his kids and his links to you stop on her 18th birthday.

That's bollocks. She will still be in FT education at 18. So will your son, if he's only in first year now. He needs to suport them to the end of their degree, which means you keeping the house until at least then, which is , what,5 years ?

Why would he imagine that you would agree to rent somewhere smaller? I assume you live in a 3bedroom house right now, as you mention that DH shares a room with DS. And why would rent when it's just money down the drain?

This is all about HIM and his new fantasy life, where he's unemcumbered by debts , dog, kids and domestic life. When his debts are paid and he rides off into the sunset with his new love .

That's as may be but life doesn't work like that.

This is HIS plan for HIS needs and I can't see from here why it would work for you.

It sees to be based on a lot of assumptions , like the debt and the equity on the house are split 50:50. This is only the starting point, many resident parents get more like 60:40. And you've not reckoned his pension into this.

Do not base ANYTHING on the assumption that he will go on paying. Because as many posters have told you from their own experience, that's very unlikely to happen. Have you read the divorce support thread and the single parent boards here?

BTW I don't mean you shouldn't ask for spousal and child suport. I just mean that in your head you need a plan B in case He stops paying . And get the very best deal you can at the start so you are not up shit creek if he bales on you and the kids.

Please stop trying to make things work out for him and make them work out for you and the kids.

Great post Kr1stina. Agreed - the only needs he is considering are his own. If you get proper legal support OP, he is going to get a shock. Please do not respond to him as if he is in any way A. a reasonable person B. a parent taking any responsibility for the children

That should be when you get proper legal representation. Otherwise you will get screwed.

My dad has come up with a theory, which has backed up my new thoughts.

For yrs I've tried to talk OH into dealing with the debts, DMP being one route we have looked into - several times!, but he's always dismissed them. Now my Dad has made me think, if OH has been thinking on/off for yrs about separation you wouldn't want your credit file to be a mess would you. I'd hope he wouldn't be that crafty but at this point it's the only thing that makes sense.
Dad reckons he sees selling the house as a quick fix, gets rid of the mortgage and debts so a new start all round. Fine for OH with his 50k salary but not so good for me and the kids! I don't think OH cares about buying his own home, he just wants to be single and have a pension.
I told him yesterday he should look into the company scheme again but he dismissed that pretty quickly!

I will be making an appointment with a solicitor this week, hopefully taking my sister with me as, as I've said, she's a feisty character so will be a great help!

I will not give up the house without a fight. For me AND MY KIDS.

YY you need that SHL.

One example - you tell me that you are responsible for the credit cards debts, but you say you can't move them to a better deal because they are in his name only. But I thought that you would not be liable for any debts he has run up in his name, unless it's for utility bills.

But you seems to indicate that a solicitor had told you that you were liable. Or have you just assumed that?

I reckon that you H has dismissed your attempts to sort things out financially because

He can't be arsed, his attention is elsewhere
He wants to remain in control of the finances
He doesn't want you digging too deep into the money side of things because he has something to hide

I don't thinks it's a cunning well thought out plan, from what you have said about him.

Kr1stina - the 1/2 hr free solicitor said they're seen as joint if built up by both of us. Which they have been. I had always thought they were seen as each but apparently not. Will need to check that!

This says you are not , if they are in his sole name

www.bainesandernst.co.uk/help-and-advice/personal-finance/responsible-marriage-debts/

Can he prove that they are your debts too ? Do you have a card on his account ? If not you might want to refuse to accept responsibility and let your solicitor use this a negotiating tactic. E.g. Agree to take on some limited share of debt in return for another concession from him.

Remember that you have two kids to support now on your limited PT salary. You don't want them to be forced to work a lot during term time just to keep a roof over their heads .

When I was at university I got no support at all from my parents ( in the days before loans ) . I had to work lots of hours just to buy food and buy books etc - thankfully my hall fee / rent was cheap. But it was really tough and I had no social life, dressed from charity shops ( not because it was cool ). I couldn't afford to heat my fiat except for a small electrics bar heater and we had no hot water. And I had far less time to study than all my peers.

You don't want that for your kids.

So don't bother taking any moral high ground and offering to pay anything you don't have to.

I know this is really tough as you have spent 20 years thinking and acting as a team - " our debts, our problems, our budget " .

But you really REALLY need to stop this. He is not thinking like this, he is baling on you and the kids. He has told you this, he wants to get away , he wants to stop having any responsibility for your DD on her 18th birthday FFS!!

He's not on your side now, if he ever was.

I'm sorry I know this is hard.

The motorbike suggests that 'joint debts' may not be the whole picture. I think your focus is on being fair OP, but that does not work when you are up against someone whose only aim is to look out for themselves.

Did you have a credit card for all of these accounts and were you free to spend on them? And did you? For family essentials or luxuries?

Great advice from Kr1stina

Not sure I've said this op but the judge at our hearing said

' you have somewhere to live, ex mr Dowser, so I'm awarding your wife the house'
' you have run up £30,000 of debt since you've left the marriage, so those debts are yours ex mr dowser'

I in my naivety never for one moment thought I could be landed with them. The cards were ALL. In his name. We never had a joint account.

Can you look to see what money was spent where?

I wanted this house. I put up with all sorts of crap , instead of flinging him out to get it....it was well worth it.

The CC's have been spent on household stuff. The bike was bought outright with cash taken from the mortgage. I don't have cards to his cc accounts no. We have each have our own.

I have 2 cards in my name - one cleared onto the other as the rate is 'for life' and cuts the interest in half, about £15k. He has about 6 in his name. Some with a little as £300 on them, only 2 have really large amounts, the ones we used regularly. They're def all house spends.
A few of his are online banking ones so I can't see the balances, but he keeps a spreadsheet going with them all on. The others are all paper statements.

I know I can ask the solicitor this, but would you change all the bill accounts into my name when he's left? Gas/Elec, water etc...

The job starts tomorrow night. Have to get into that mindset! Clear my head and think positively!

How exciting! Hope you have a good first shift at work

Delurking to wish you well for tomorrow OP.

You really do come across as strong, together and very competent.

I wish you all the best!

You need to speak to your solicitor. It all depends on personal circumstances.

It isn't just a case of saying 'the cards aren't in your name so the debt isn't yours'.

The difference in Dowsers case is that the debt was built up after they split.

Good luck for the new job OP - hope all goes well. Your new life starts tomorrow. i think you're dealing with all this sh*t brilliantly. X

Don't waste money on asking solicitor non legal stuff. Re bills etc you're better talking to a debt advisor. More knowledge and cheaper/free. They'll also be able to tell you if you're liable for the credit card debt on HIS cards. I don't think you are but other posters are saying otherwise so good idea to check. I agree with not agreeing to ANYTHING as far as he's concerned until you know where you stand legally.

Use solicitor only for financial stuff directly relating to the divorce, like about the house, spousal maintenance and your rights (if any) to a portion of his pension.

Child maintenance is dealt with by cms and your ex will be delighted to discover I'm sure that he has to pay until they're TWENTY if they're in full time education not 18, AND courts can make orders of maintenance payments after 20 too so he is DEFINITELY not off the hook as soon as dd 18.

I'm no expert as we didn't have a house but I'd imagine similar age factors apply to keeping a roof over their heads!