Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

He did say to me during our heated talk earlier that I was lucky that he wasn't one of these that changes bank accounts and just leaves. As some people are like that.

I can't argue with him leaving, if he wants out he wants out. It's the way he's going about it that is annoying me.

Hermonie2016 - at this point I don't care what his problems are, he's detached and I think I'm nearly there. There's no going back. Although I am the problem (not all but pretty much). He feels suffocated. Never alone. No space of his own.

He and his parents aren't all lovey dovey, he's not close to them, can't talk to them, although I think his mum would if he gave her the chance. His dad? well possibly yes too, I don't know.

We have had very different upbringings and I think that shows. I admit I'm not good with feelings if I'm comfortable I can open up. He can't.
I do think we've had more frank discussions these past 3/4 weeks than in the whole 20 yrs!

Hello Itsovernow1

I don't post often but as I had a similar experience to you 5 years ago, I really wanted to comment. There seems to me a lot of focus on your OH and what he wants and less on your life and your dreams. I suspect you've spent a long time trying to do your best for your family.

Now that you are gradually processing the decision your OH has made, I hope you get the chance to work out who you are and what you love doing so that you can make a fantastic life for yourself. There are lots of ways to start, including counselling and starting a journal. If you like reading, there are plenty of books that could help.

This is a huge change and it takes time to work through it in your own way, doing the best you can. I think you are doing brilliantly, especially getting a job so quickly.

When my 20 odd year marriage ended, I realised I'd been sleepwalking through life, not in a genuine relationship at all. No proper communication, though I tried so hard. Life is really so much better now!

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for a better 2017.

After such a long marriage it's very difficult to start considering your needs without thinking about his but I see you're getting there, so well done for that. You are most definitely not a problem. All adults are responsible for their own well being. He sounds like an absolute arse, expecting you to do everything at home, even when you were working full-time. The very idea that he'd allow your DD to carry on where you left off just reinforces what an arse he is.

There are many positives in what you've achieved so far, after you've found yourself in a situation not of your own making. You sound very caring of your family and your dog. Now care for yourself and forget about his needs.

There's no easy way to split up, it's hard no matter what. Try and move away from thinking about him, his needs and opinions. You're a free woman now, free of a destructive relationship and I see you moving on to the best time of your life.

It seems to me that there is not enough money in the family to fund another person's living accommodation.

Yet you have a perfectly usable room in the house you are already paying for.

It would obviously be uncomfortable to have him there while you are essentially split up, but if the finances don't enable another place to be rented then they just don't.

You realise your new job is effectively just paying for him to leave, don't you? It's only because you now have an income to support yourself (and the 16yo) he can spend the remaining money on himself.

His income is family money. You need to agree how much is needed to fund the home ad support the children, add on your earnings and then split what is left 50/50. If that enables him to rent a room then fine, if it doesn't hard bloody luck buddy.

Doesn't he have a friend or work colleague he can stay with for a while?

Oh I've tried to tell him about the budget. I really have. Like a broken record these last couple of weeks. He said today if I said no and tried to stop him he's find a way. He needs out. Simple as. To him. I did say he'd probably put it on the cc's if I took the cash but he didn't understand what I meant so I didn't elaborate (cash back).

I went with the line he would have the room to himself after next week but no, he's not interested. This doesn't feel like his house. I didn't point out that I'd be working some evenings so we wouldn't see each other, although we don't now really.

I have said I'm now earning his rent money but he doesn't see it that way, he still sees it as petrol money, even though it's about £100/£150 more!

The extra £100 (to take it to £500 per month) is food and what I'm saving in the house he's using for food money. I agree with that part.

Change2013 - thank you for your kind words. Glad life has worked out, eventually! I hope for the same. Any any other words of advice to share?

Millymollymanatee - I know I keep defending him but he's not a bad arse. Just .. I don't know. He does care. But it's reached the end of the line and he's feeling trapped. Once he's actually left the house I will feel in more control. I did say once he's moved out he can have all the space he wants! If he doesn't like being kept tabs on (as he calls it!) I won't bother unless it's about necessary things. He'll be fine no doubt.

I'd like to keep this house, but I can see he'll make it difficult. If I can get a full time job, if we can get an extension to the term, I could do it, still pay my share of the debts, all the bills and the mortgage, therefore freeing up money for his pension (which he's worried about, understandably). But that suggestion wasn't met with any enthusiasm. It's like once DD turns 18, he's not bothered as such where she lives. If it was just me I'd be OK, but it's not. DD and DS (even though they'll be adults) still need a home to come back to.
I'm not against selling the house eventually, but just not in the next few years so we can build up some more equity while paying the mortgage/debts down.

If you haven't already, can you set up autopayment of any of the house bills from his salary? If they're being taken care of in the background he might be less likely to pay attention to them.

He is definitely being selfish in all this. Would pointing out that his rush is going to cause DD to need to get a part time job give him any pause?

And have you set up a personal account that he can't access for your earnings to go to?

I don't understand why you are trying to set a joint budget with him. You are splitting up !!!

You need to stop trying to persuade him to stay. He's obviously under a lot of pressure to move in with someone or at least to leave you, i presume from OW/OM. I'm guessing he's been promising to leave for some time and now he's had an ultimatum .

So there's no point in you saying he will have a room to himself in a week. That won't work for him.

I don't understand why you are taking about selling the house when your DD is 18. Is she then going to live in the rented room with her father?

Your son will be in third year at university . Where is he going to live for the 22weeks of the year he's not there ? Is he going to live in the rented room too?

And if not, are you taking about selling up? Especially when you have worked out how to afford it on your own .

Have you moved half the money out of the joint savings account ?

A good solicitor will make sure you keep the house. Step right away from him and his needs, as already said he's instigated this and you're splitting up. He is an arse in terms of keeping house for him and I really want you to see that OP.

My exh was very secretive. He had several ow

As your H is employed, why does he have to complete a tax form?

Aagh! Why the different colours? Pink. blue? I just want to post.

Please don't extend the mortgage or change the terms at all until after you've seen lawyer and got financial advice....

it could be really hard or cost to change again and maynot be the best way forward....really try not to rush into that sort of decision.....

you seem to be coping amazingly...getting a job so quickly....have you got yourself another account to get your wages paid into ? I would try and keep them seperate from all the other financial stuff..

tax credits/universal credits are a nightmare so if you do have any organisations in your area that can help like CAB then would use them if you can...

He may have issues etc etc but he is taking the piss if you have to rush stuff....he wants a nicer 'room' then he needs to use the bike rather than the car if its more efficient- My dh did a 1.5hr commute all on his bike all year round- he has a budget of 400 he needs to make up the rest- another job or cost cutting ....same as everyone else.

or could you have the bike.! you did say you'd fancied one

Why would an employee need to complete a tax return?

I agree you need to stop seeing the finances as joint, they're not and I'm confident he won't see I that way either the day he moves out!

Joint account also a terrible idea. If the savings belong to both of you, you get half NOW, YOUR wage is YOURS it's NOT part of HIS budget!!

He's so desperate to be single - let him!! But that means he doesn't get to benefit as still 'sort of' married!

I said about an ultimatum given to him by someone else that's looking increasingly likely.

Why would an employee need to complete a tax return?

Because they have P11D benefits? Because they have to repay some child benefit? Because they have been self employed in the past, and HMRC have sent them one, so they have to complete it, nonetheless? Because they are a company director? Because they are a higher rate tax payer?

Yes he has to repay some of the child benefit. That's the only reason for the tax return.

Until I have a wage coming in (end Jan) I don't have a budget to budget! When that happens I can work out what to pay for. I do know the basic wage

my wages are going into my account. I will change the password if I can. I will be looking into another account at another bank.

Oh I have come round to not stopping him going. Today saw to that! I'd even help him pack! But that could be going too far!

Selling the house when DD is 18 or so is one of his 'options' (that he keeps coming back to). He's thinking it will be easy just to start again with the equity - and pay off the debts in one go. I have said we need to cross that hurdle when we get to it, as selling just to pay off the debts isn't the only solution. He has thought the equity will pay for a small place or rent for a long time for me and the kids. That isn't suitable to me, not when DD and DS will still need places (and their own rooms).

At the moment we're just going to ask about the mortgage extension, given our debts they might just say no on the phone. You have to go for an in-shop interview so it won't happen overnight. I will be phoning a solicitor on Tuesday that I've had a 1 hr quote for. (and see what BIL's brother has to say about his solicitor, recommendation).

sigh I know, I do, I need to step back, but it's already tense and the kids are in the middle. (I say kids, they're adults/nearly adults but they're still my kids).

I know the advice is to stop looking at the finances as joint is sensible, I just don't know how to do that. At the moment his money is all we have. I've said once my wages/benefits are in I can budget what I can afford. How do you stop looking at it as joint when you don't have any money yet?

I haven't touched the savings account yet no.

The joint account will probably have his name taken off, so the bills don't have to change - but they'll all be in my name anyway.

DD wants a part time job, as she likes the idea of saving up for her own stuff, she's actually very good that way even without a job, she pays for her own clothes (mostly) with xmas/bday money. She just needs a push in the right direction so I'm hoping to do that in the next few days, print off her CV and go around the local shops.

I'm hoping a solicitor will make all of this clearer to me!

I know I need to get a grip on this. It's just making my head swim!

Hi again

One of my main mistakes was trying to hold the relationship together way longer than I should have! I should have just let go much earlier but I wanted my children to have a 'proper' family. It was miserable.

You may find you experience the emotions associated with loss and bereavement - denial, anger etc. Anger can be quite positive in motivating you into action. I found that my emotions were all over the place for quite a while.

A website I found helpful was baggagereclaim.co.uk which has lots of stuff on relationships, self-esteem etc.

Also, I accepted real life help from people and said yes to any invitations to do things. I set myself small goals of things to do for me which I wrote in a notebook and then gradually worked out what I wanted, which included moving back to my home area.

Hope this helps.

Hope you are ok OP.going through similar myself

Before you go into the solicitor, please get your head straight. You need to do what's best for you and the children. Yes, they are teenagers but they are still children and they need looking after still.

Do not consider his needs. He wants to leave, so let him get on with it. What you do now will have a long term impact on your life and your childrens' lives. Don't be a fool and be soft with him. Before long he will be out of your life and you don't want to regret that you didn't stand up for yourself now.

Change2013 - thanks. He has probably done us a favour and it needed to be done, but it's the swiftness of it all that's mind boggling! He hadn't said he was unhappy either, just got more distant. I'm angry now. I still do get teary when talking about it to him, mainly about the kids/selling up.
I'll accept any help! I know I need to get out more. Friends I haven't seen for a while I should contact again. One has already said we should go out for a drink sometime. Most of the people I call friends are ones I've worked with before. They're normally 20 yrs older than me but I'm good with that. They've always got something to say and experience with life.

The notebook idea is a good one. I don't want to just end up sitting on my own all day/night.

wishparry - thanks. Hope you're keeping well. I'm just finding it all over whelming right now. What I should be doing and what I am doing are totally different!

I have moved some of the savings into my other account. He can't get to it from his password so needs mine. He'll no doubt ask questions why I've done it but that's life! I'll just say it's the car fund, we agreed, the rest is for your deposit!

Millymollymanatee - Yes I will try. Today has been worse as we've gone through everything to sort out who needs to do what, so my head is filled with a lot of figures.
Hopefully my sister () will be able to come with me to the solicitor when I've made an appointment. Another pair of ears and an opinion.

I think I've already surprised him by being so direct! I'm not normally like that, I skirt around issues.

My mistake was believing he (my ex) would be a halfway decent human being! Plus several friends have had similar and even worse experiences.

All the money taken including savings I had contributed to, maintenance has never been paid regularly indeed this Christmas all dd has had is a card out of a box, nothing else. Neither I nor his friends and family nor mine at the start ever thought he'd be like this. At one point I showed my ex mil my bank statements to prove he wasn't paying maintenance! (Luckily for me he'd sworn to her he was paying regularly into bank and not giving me as cash - shot himself in the foot there!) which resulted in a temporary improvement. He's not seen dd in almost 5 years now - his choice.

Friends as I say have had similar (bank accounts emptied, emergency cash boxes plundered, cars, caravans and furniture taken, in one case the ex somehow managed to get 1st wife removed as director and shareholder of their company and instate the ow in her stead - that went to court and was overturned but not before a great deal of damage to the business which then went bust).

Don't become one of us.

"I have moved some of the savings into my other account. He can't get to it from his password so needs mine. He'll no doubt ask questions why I've done it but that's life! I'll just say it's the car fund, we agreed, the rest is for your deposit!"

Good for you!

You probably skirt around things as he is used to calling the shots, your depression will not have helped you in the past but I have to say you are doing fabulously for someone who has had this dropped on them in this way. I would sit down if I were you and make a list of your achievements so far and give yourself a big pat on the back for the progress you have made. Everyone is right in that you have to stop thinking of things as 'we' and start thinking as 'i' because that is exactly what he is doing (for whatever reason and I do think OW or OM having given an ultimatum is most likely). Good luck with the solicitor make sure you get good advice, you are entitled to more than you think and remember that he is the one who has the 50k job and the income that goes with it and you can't hope to achieve that atm so asset division is not going to be 50/50 and you are not unreasonable to expect more.