Husband has ended it.

[itsovernow1]

Hi
New user looking for advice.

Short story - We have been married 20 yrs, 2 kids 16 and 19. 16 yr old is at college and 19 yr old is away at Uni (1st yr). We have a 4 yr old dog.

Never been the best marriage, but I thought we were ticking away. Wrong! OH has apparently been thinking for some time he wants out and has made that decision. Btw it's probably a 50/50 'blame' for this. I'm not the easiest person to live with, as I have just been disagnosied with depression probably going back to PND with DS.

He emailed me (we do things that way, not healthy, I know) 4 weeks ago saying he wants out. I rang him to talk and he basically said he's had enough, he's detached and would rather live on his own. I said I think we can work through things and can talk it out. He said we need to talk and that was that. He picked our son up from the station on his way home as son was coming home for the weekend and nothing else was said. Even when we took the dog for a walk the next morning.

Then 2 weeks ago I received another email from OH saying the same as the first, wondering why I’d been acting normally (I thought he’d been thinking about things as I had mentioned on the phone but apparently not) but telling me he's been looking for places to stay near his work which is 45 miles away. It's just about doable re: money wise, as he spends a lot on petrol.

We have a mortgage of 82K (11 yrs to run), joint debts of 42k (credit cards only). The house is worth about 280,000 I think so plenty of equity there. But obviously taking into account the mortgage and debts that equity is cut in half.

The problem I foresee is my situation. I have had no job for pretty much all of our marriage. I worked until we had our first 19 yrs ago but it wasn't financially viable to carry on so I stopped. I had a 1 yr admin contract about 10 yrs ago at a kids nursery (it was closing down so lady who worked there wanted out for another job). But that's it. I don't have any career qualifications unfortunately.

I do want to work and know I have to but my confidence level is pretty much 0. I don't have any real skills to speak of and am terrified right now! Yes it's my fault I am in this situation but I am 'sh*ting' myself right now.

After 1 week of doing nothing but job searching I do have a part time (16 hrs) job starting on Tues in the evenings at local diy store. I could have done another (carers) job I had been offered but right now I don’t feel I could commit to something that needs so much emotional involvement and more hours for not much more money.

We made the work decision for myself together and OH hasn't pushed it (we both don't like confrontation). It worked for us. And as he left early and came back late workdays it meant I looked after everything here at home.

We have a dog which means working full time is out at the moment as we don't really have family close by or friends to let him out during the day. If I can move into a full time job with good wages I can obviously pay a dog walker (or come home to let him out)

OH says he wants to talk so we can make this transition as smooth as possible. So do I. I am not after fleecing him. I just want a roof over our heads and money to pay the bills. I know in time the house will have to be sold but right now it's worrying. I don't really want to end up renting. And even flats around our way are quite expensive.

OH has said that bringing things up about the separation is ‘tough’ as I’m not particularly receptive. Well go figure! I will talk about it but obviously I am angry/emotional whereas he’s way past that point.

What would people advise as the next steps to take? I don't even know where to start as my head is spinning. Right now I am concerned about my daughter (mainly, as son is the independent one) and the money. The kids are OK with it and they aren’t surprised! Strange response but makes me feel slightly better they’re handling it well.

At the moment things are amicable but OH wants to rent a room in a house (private) which is further away from work than first hoped and is more money. Once we know my wages we can obviously nail the finances but right now I’m still worried.
I’d love to keep the house and the mortgage payments are very reasonable as the rate is so low but I would never be able to get a mortgage to cover what we owe as my (soon to be wages) are so low plus the debts are taken into account. OH is on about 4 times my soon to be wage.

Thank you.

The word you are looking for here is "no". No - you won't spend family money on a room when you will have a room to yourself in a week. No. NO.

I've tried that. He won't listen.

He may not listen, don't pay for the room
Seek legal advise
Contact CSA and get maintenance sorted so he has to pay his way.

He sounds like he is in a state of panic for some reason and can't think straight. Would it be worth having him stay in a hotel for a few days so he can get his space? Then when DS is back at uni he has his room back.

Definitely weird behavior on his part, and not at all helpful.

I wonder why he's in such a hurry to get out of the house. It's almost like he's been given an ultimatum by someone.

Yes - there is something about his behaviour that doesn't make sense. Why - after all these years - does everything have to be done in such a massive rush... ?? Is he normally so thoughtless and lacking in empathy?

Personally I think he's having mental health issues. He's made contact through work to sort out some counselling. He went into a tizzy this morning when I asked him about it. He couldn't think straight.

He said he'd been thinking for a while and it's just come to a head.

He needs £800 to move out, half for deposit and the rest month up front. I said he's not thinking about it. He goes on about the debts needing paying but just wants to up and leave taking £800 with him! He says the month up front would be petrol money anyway, but the most that would be would be £300!

It's not helpful no. I can't say no, he'd take the money anyway. And make life hell. (grumpy/moody etc..)

I'm mega frustrated as f*ck. I get he wants out of the marriage but it's the quickness that's peed me off. He's not thinking past the end of his nose.

I repeat the hotel suggestion. If he's panicking he's useless unfortunately.

Stop making life easy for him then.

My best friend's husband had an affair. Said he didn't want to leave, it was over. She poured her heart and soul into counselling and trying to understand what went wrong. He shut down amand restarted the affair. That went on for 3 years until he finally decided he wanted to be with the OW. But the OW said he couldn't have his children to stay until the divorce was finalised. So for the past 2.5 years my friend has let him use their house - which he no longer pays towards but considers still to be his - in order to facilitate the contact with the children (11 and 9). Every other weekend she's gone to friends or a hotel so that he can stay in the house with them.
She's finally woken up and told him no more, and apparently she's the shitty one. He's now had a baby with the OW and is all woe is me. Thankfully she's finally pulled up her "couldn't give a shit" pants and is giving him a taste of reality. She wishes she hadn't been so nice at the start.

'He's not thinking past the end of his nose.'

End of his prick, more like. If he'd just take the money, then fucking move it out. He wants to walk off leaving you with hella debt.

You need to start getting very angry.

Hmm - very difficult for you.

I think if I was you I would just stand my ground and keep repeating that well-known mumsnet phrase - "No, that doesn't suit me." Ignore his grumpiness - that's the least of your worries.

You need to find your steely inner core here; he is relying on you just giving in and letting him do as he wants. Do either of you have any relatives who could talk to him?

He doesn't sound like a very effectual or dynamic person iyswim - do you think he really would go ahead and take the money if you actually said "No - you are not doing this to me or to our children!" ??

I think he is assuming all the way through this that you are going to back down - continue to stand toe-to-toe with him and you may well find that he ends up backing down.

(I have to say that I do have sympathy for him if he does have mental health issues, but he can't just wreck everything for you in this way.)

When someone is determined to act selfishly in ways that impact negatively on others whose needs that person should be prioritising, saying no is followed up by action. For example, you have said 'no' and now you remove the money so he cannot spend it on himself and disadvantage you. Otherwise you are saying no but offering no meaningful opposition. You're saying 'I'm saying no but I will collude with you doing whatever you want anyway'.

I agree with others - there is an external time pressure here that he is hiding. I have known as lesbian start a heterosexual relationship. But it could be someone more deeply hidden, but he is jumping to someone else's tune and his whole confused/flustered/mental health issues are a smoke screen because he is not going to tell you the real reason he is leaving in a hurry.

Yes - I agree with kittybiscuits about the money and the time issues.

you are saying no but offering no meaningful opposition. You're saying 'I'm saying no but I will collude with you doing whatever you want anyway'.

This.

HeCantBeSerious - "couldn't give a shit" pants - I like that saying!

HanShootsFirst - I did suggest hotels at the beginning of all this, when we had the first email and then phone convo. He said as he's already detached that would make it worse. Don't see how.... But I tried that one. He refused to discuss it. He doesn't want to be here. In the words of Greta: He wants to be alone.

Naicehamshop - I have a BIL who has said he'd talk to him in private/all confidential (not even discussing with Sis, and he's very discreet) or even talking to BIL's brother who's been through this (and still is). My sis or Dad would as well. They can be rational people and just want to understand all of this!

OH's parents have both been divorced (before he was born) but they're of the attitude 'well if that's what you want'. although I don't think they know exactly what's happening financially (debt etc.). He won't talk to them any way.

Yes he would go ahead any way - take the money and move. He's made up his mind.

We've been through the box of bills, outlining what needs to be, where and when. He now seems to be taking interest, well I say interest, mainly in the email problem we have (his area of expertise that he understands). He is useless with expiry dates etc.. Good luck with his insurance/MOT every yr!! Even though he does the bills every month on his spreadsheet/bank account he still doesn't know who half the things are with! It's just numbers.
I am the organiser. I tell him when things are needed and do them.

kittybiscuits - He gets paid on the day he will be moving out so I can't take all the money as the bills need to be paid. I have nowhere to move it to.

I will try talking to him later, and actually say no. See what happens.

He has had issues since teenage years when he was bullied but didn't tell any one (apart from this one girl who helped him, who then died after leaving school, something else he didn't tell anyone). Whatever happened at school he won't tell me and gets upset when talking about it. I didn't know until 3 weeks ago about all of this.

He had phone counselling (after seeing GP) but didn't divulge any of those details, it was for the pressure he was under at the time (came to a head).

I take my share of the blame for this failure but not his state before marriage that he never dealt with.

20 years is crayzee esp with adult kids. Maybe he has been resentful of this for some time now - I know I would be!

Well I just came out with it. Asked him what happens if I say no to him moving out. He said he'd dig his heels in and find a way.
This is one thing he's not going to compromise on. (his words).

He is a grown man. I have issues and I know that, he knows that too. I just said to him he could always have said no to me at any point but he never felt he could. Like I'm an ogre. Holidays was his example. They always turned out more expensive (European ones not flying or anything, staying in cheap accommodation,with tesco clubcard points paying for eurotunnel). He can say no! He can always look around and plan one! But no, always left it to me. IF you don't like the way I do it, then do it your bloody self!!

If someone has trust issues with you (through private emails you found to someone else), do you try to talk to them and work past it or do you carry on as normal and make it worse? Why is looking at someones phone (which I've never done) an issue if they have nothing to hide? Why not leave it on the table instead of keeping it in your pocket even when at home? Where's the openness?? That's all I've asked from the start.

He said he doesn't like me keeping tabs on him. I ask him to tell me when he's leaving work, as can differ and with traffic it can make quite a time difference. Just a text saying leaving now is all I ask, if he's late. That way I can plan dinner better, not leaving it sitting in the oven for an hour to dry out. Just keep me informed when he's gone away for the day for work or overnight. Communication! Don't other couples text each other during the day for different things?

But that's a moot point. It's done. HE said he needs space, well you can have it buddy. I'll be a better person without him and he will be without me. Hopefully the next woman can give him what he wants.

JackShit - probably. That's where communication comes in. But we don't do that.

I'm done to be honest. He wants out, he can go.
I am going to focus on the new job on Tues and do the best I can with that.

We need to deal with the mortgage immediately to see if we can extend and I need legal advice.

I honestly think you will be better off without him in the long run.

In the meantime get your bil in to talk to him - probably better than your df or dsis as he will be slightly more detached.

Just to say again that his behaviour throughout all of this has just been unfair and unreasonable (not to want to leave, but the way he has gone about it), and - most of all - odd. Very, very odd. There is definitely something going on in the background.

Sounds very much like a midlife crisis as his behaviour is irrational and blaming.The debts are likely to be weighing on him as well.

I had similar from my stbxh and I asked him to move out 2 months ago.If it's midlife crisis he has to figure, for himself, that the negatives feelings he's having don't go away when you do.

He also seems emotional disconnected/avoidant and probadly never has had good insight into his emotions, which is why communication doesn't work between you too.

I'm not sure you can help him at this stage as for him, you are the issue (which isn't the case).
Best advice is to get on with your life, which you are doing.He may bounce back but you might be in a different place by then and not want him.