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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New bf hasn't wished me happy Xmas

182 replies

Lonelyatxmas · 25/12/2016 18:37

We've been dating for about eight weeks. Had a bit of a blip when he found out I'd kissed someone else between our first and second date and he backed off after having initially come on strong.

I explained that it was a huge mistake and we got through it and are still seeing each other. I realised how much I like him and was massively relieved.

Had a lovely chat Thursday then I whatsapped him yesterday to wish him a happy Xmas but no reply. I'm a bit hurt. Should I forget about him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 27/12/2016 23:55

Update

I met up with a friend tonight who's known him since school. Apparently he has bipolar type 3. I wish he'd told me this himself. It certainly explains a lot of his behaviour.

Xmas marks a difficult time for him and his mum as it's around this time his dad walked out on them when he was 14.

Definitely puts a different perspective on things. Not sure what to do now. I'm glad I didn't send a shitty text back but I'm still wary about getting involved even deeper.

I think I'll let the dust settle for now and see what happens.

OP posts:
cbigs · 28/12/2016 00:02

Poor you op what a bummer. TBH though even though he has mental health issues and that doesn't have to be a reason not to see him of course this much emotional drama from anyone two months in is hard bloody work! So I say you've still dodged a bullet even if he wasn't ghosting you kwim?

Cricrichan · 28/12/2016 00:04

An ex is bipolar and it is incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with them. The highs and the lows completely unrelated to outside influences are really tough and I found it impossible not to take things personally even when I knew that it was the chemicals in his brain and not me.

He is wonderful and intelligent etc but I'm so glad that I finished with him and that there weren't children involved.

My advice is to finish the relationship befire you're too invested.

Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 00:18

Thanks for the support. I suppose I feel a bit guilty that I don't want to get involved with someone with MH issues. Makes me feel like I'm lacking in compassion or something.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 28/12/2016 00:39

My experience was that he created stuff to fit around his moods rather than the other way around. I am compassionate and tried to help him and when I felt I had helped him, it felt great. When they're on a high they can be very destructive in many aspects of their lives and it can both be fun or scary. When they're stable they're lovely and when they're down it's just awful. The angst they feel for everything is terrible. To see them curled up in a foetal position and cry over stuff that is sad but is happening in another part of the world.

I spent 2 years with him and it left me absolutely exhausted and it affected every part of my life. Had I had to look after children, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2016 11:14

Wall away op. You have nothing invested. You should be having fun in a relationship, especially this soon. He couldn't even reply merey christmas. Two words. How could he possibly be any sortmof support in a Relationship when things got difidcult?

tygr · 28/12/2016 20:45

I suspected as much. When you said yesterday about not wanting to be with someone prone to bouts of selfishness, I nearly suggested he might be prone to bouts of depression but I didn't want to judge without knowing the full facts.

I have bipolar too. TBH, I would want to be with someone more understanding than you have been to him at a difficult time. Maybe cutting your losses is best all round.

Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 21:08

i'm very grateful for your perspective tygr.

Would be really interested to know why he's able to go out partying with friends yesterday and tonight (as his Facebook tags show). But not to be able to send a quick reply to a merry Xmas text?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2016 21:10

Going silent on someone over xmas is rude and worrying. Having MH issues doesn't absolve a person of being considerate to others. Two words in a text, or a brief explanation is all that was needed - it's unfair to expect someone to be a mindreader - or to give benefit of the doubt on the basis of secondhand information from this schoolpal.

Maybe this chap went dark on the OP as per the schoolfriend's explanation. But it's still possible he's gone silent cos he can't be arsed or he's playing games.

category12 · 28/12/2016 21:11

x-post

Yeah, having MH issues doesn't preclude also being an arsehole.

Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 21:12

I should add that we were supposed to be meeting up tonight but he cancelled.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2016 21:15

Oh well, you have your answer.

Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 21:16

The reason he cited was that he needed time to get over Xmas stress.

Which apparently he's doing by partying.

Is that really bipolar?

Or is he a selfish inconsiderate arse?

He wants to meet tomorrow instead.

I haven't replied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 21:17

Oh, and in his message he said he couldn't wait to see me Hmm

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2016 21:18

Grin Well, clearly he can wait.

Original poster
Lonelyatxmas · 28/12/2016 21:21

Exactly catagory

But I am genuinely interested in another take on it. I'm not really sure where I've not shown consideration to him in my actions. And am totally open to understanding where I've gone wrong.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2016 21:21

Go out with your friends op.

forumdonkey · 28/12/2016 21:22

I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt until I saw you said he'd been out partying with his mates and then cancelled your plans. Fuck him off.

Aussiebean · 28/12/2016 21:24

You don't actually know he has bipolar. He has not told you that. You only have second hand info.

Make a decision based on his actions. He has not told you he is ill, explained it, answered any questions or been open.

He has made you feel bad about yourself and ignored you.

Make a decision based on what you absolutely know.

category12 · 28/12/2016 21:27

I'm going with my theory of the first page, which is that he is playing hot and cold. Fuck him off.

Lelloteddy · 28/12/2016 21:53

Dear god OP. This is exhausting. How can you possibly think this is going to work given the amount of drama and angst this early on?
FWIW I think snogging someone else was a pretty crap thing to do given the fact that this guy was apparently smitten with you. I get a sense that you quite enjoy a bit of drama yourself. How old are you?

MissBattleaxe · 28/12/2016 22:14

You should be having this conversation with him not us.

Lilacpink40 · 28/12/2016 22:51

OP I've just looked back at this thread and wondering how it can get worse. I was sympathetic early on, but now wonder If he asks you to lie down so he can use you as a doormat, but don't worry as he 'loves you' would you do it?

Sorry but his actions show that he doesn't need you, but he'll play cat-and-mouse games for fun.

Whisky2014 · 28/12/2016 22:56

Games. Just walk away

passmethewineplease · 28/12/2016 23:03

Cut your losses OP.

Honestly if it's this much hard work eight weeks in can you imagine what the years ahead would be like?

A text takes seconds.

If he's happy enough to go out partying he could easily send a Merry Christmas text!

Seriously get out early!

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