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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

470 replies

Sarahjane1994 · 24/12/2016 11:26

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 26/12/2016 19:49

He's a complete and utter shit. Go, just go.

essieestherson · 26/12/2016 19:51

I completely get what you mean about when everything is calm and normal it seems hard to leave. I feel the same and when we're happy things seem so nice and you completely forget how horrible things can be.

Genuinely though all those things he has done sound terrible!

You really should leave.

Richdebtomdom · 26/12/2016 19:55

I worked as a DC on a police PPU... being grabbed by the throat is a very SERIOUS sign as well as an assault. Please seek help immediately. Don't become a statistic.

Beebeeeight · 26/12/2016 19:55

Women's aid exists for women in exactly your situation.

Please stay safe and make plans to find freedom.

You are strong and deserve to life free of fear.

glentherednosedbattleostrich · 26/12/2016 19:59

Sweetheart, you've had to be protected from him by random strangers. When you live with abuse you normalise and rationalise the behaviour.

But again, you are risking your DD, your career and your life. I'm a childminder, if a child came to me and told me a third of what your partner does I'd be on the phone to social services. Because a child deserves to live without abuse in their lives. You deserve to live without abuse in your life.

Use the calm to plan, find out what you are entitled to. Put all important paperwork in a safe place. Pack a grab bag and keep it somewhere safe. Speak to women's aid. Do the freedom course online. Speak to the dv unit and speak to student services.

Then, for your daughter's sake as much as yours, get rid.

twattymctwatterson · 26/12/2016 20:00

Op all relationships are not like this. He is very abusive and he won't change. He deliberately chose you because you were younger and inexperienced and he does this to you because he likes it. Did you have friends before you met him? Is there anyone at all in real life you can can talk to about this? Please call Woman's Aid and get their perspective on your relationship. It would also really help you to get on to the Freedom Program. That'll help you to recognise abusive traits. I realised I was being emotionally abused from lurking on the relationship board here and it helped a lot to realise this wasn't normal and I wasn't going mad. My Ex wasn't nearly as abusive as your DP

LisaMed1 · 26/12/2016 20:03

Why should he change? He's happy using you as a punchbag.

Original poster
Sarahjane1994 · 26/12/2016 20:05

Thanks for your replies.
I originally posted about him coming home late and it upsetting me. But after mentioning a few other things he does the comments scared me abit especially as I never in a million years see myself as a victim of abuse. I'm not an idiot I know things like trackers on phones are wrong. But his ex (mother of his 7 year old boy) was a nurse at a hospital and was sleeping with a polish cleaner there behind his back. So I understand why he might have some issues in regards to trust and jealousy. The other stuff I just thought all couples get like that during arguments, things get broken etc. Does this make me a bad mother? Being with someone and not realising they are bad for us :(.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 20:05

I am telling you straight you are in an abusive relatonship...

What he is doing now my ex did to me ..It is called intermittent reinforcement ( or something like that) ..It basically means he behaves like the guy you deserve every once in a while as that is the man you crave fell in love with.. so you work harder by walking on eggshells , don't upset him. take the blame for his moods...And yet it is never enough..

When is he back at work? Get out when you safely can..Buy a new phone , even a cheap Pay as you go ...Delete any history on your phone he shouldn't see.

I agree you need to do the freedom program

mumonashoestring · 26/12/2016 20:08

Maybe if he gets help for his temper then non of the above would happen anymore

What you're describing isn't just temper though. He tells you there are worse men out there to keep you scared and dependent, tracks your phone, hides or destroys your clothes - none of that is heat of the moment, he's actually devoting time to coming up with ways of making you miserable and keeping you scared. When he realises he's gone too far, you have a few days of him behaving a bit more like a good partner/parent but that shouldn't be exceptional.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 26/12/2016 20:08

This is so sad. You absolutely have to leave. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already but please go. I lived with an abusive man (nowhere near as bad as this) and it took him braking my ankle and smashing my head against the wall for me to realise it wasn't quite right. I was so desperate to have a 'proper' family and a father for my little girl (my father died when I was tiny) that I thought it would be OK and he would change. Our daughter is now an adult and still slightly scared of him. Don't let your children go through this. Please.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 20:09

Utterly terrifying

Starlight2345 · 26/12/2016 20:09

X post ..Just want to add...His ex cheated on him ( apparently) however if he has to learn to trust you...It is simply an excuse for controlling you.

You are not bad to not realise it.. It doesn't start you meet a guy who treats you badly..

But been a good mum means finding a way forward for your DD to grow up in safely.. I left ( later than I should my ex) however far sooner than I would if I didn't have my DS who I did need to protect.

Str4ngedaysindeed · 26/12/2016 20:10

*breaking my ankle

Prettybaffled · 26/12/2016 20:16

Sarah, people aren't 100% bad or 100% good. He had a very hard start and obviously does have good points - clearly he can be charming or you wouldn't have got together with him.

The thing is though that what is very clear is that he is creating an unsafe home environment both for you and dd. Physical forcefulness like pushing and dragging really is domestic violence in itself and the shouting and smashing things up is also abusive. The grabbing you by the throat episode is serious in itself even if you weren't badly injured. It really isn't ok and I think you will find calling women's aid will help you to see it clearly. They can help you make a plan.

Sending you a virtual hug in case it helps.

Boundaries · 26/12/2016 20:17

Does this make me a bad mother? Being with someone and not realising they are bad for us sad.

No, but staying now you do realise means you are not prioritising your child's safety.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 20:23

Sarah, I am sure you are a lovely mother to your dc

But he is not a good parent. He is violent and unpredictable. He is an abusive parent

So, by association, so are you

I am sorry to state such a bald fact but I believe it to be true. You have a choice as to whether you continue to live with the abuse, your children do not. They rely on their parents to protect them. He is not protecting them...so you will have to

Currently, you are not fulfilling that role

GriefLeavesItsMark · 26/12/2016 20:28

If he has trackers on your phone etc, there is every chance he is monitoring this thread. For the safety of you and your child I strongly urge you not to post any further updates. At least not until you have permanently left the relationship.

RJnomore1 · 26/12/2016 20:34

I can promise you 100 per cent this is not what it is like to be in a relationship. Dh and I do argue like everyone but he would never never break things and most certainly not hurt me. Nor do any of my friends husbands and partners. It's very very hard when you are in the situation but it's not normal and it's not your fault.

I'm scared for you.

Naicehamshop · 26/12/2016 20:44

This is one of the most frightening threads I've ever read on here. For the sake of your child please don't minimise things.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 20:55

I do not actually buy that op doesn't realise that his behaviour is wrong

She knows it is

But chooses to stay anyway. This will end badly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2016 20:56

Think about it this way, as your little one grows up and starts school, you will have to choose between asking her to lie to her teachers or fearing her being taken away. Because if I heard these things, I would be calling Social Services.

I know you don't want that. So get out. And get help.

Boundaries · 26/12/2016 21:00

Me too MrsTP

MrTCakes · 26/12/2016 21:00

You are not protecting your child, which is a basic requirement of a good parent.

Gallavich · 26/12/2016 21:09

If you don't take action to get him away from your daughter then you will be complicit in her abuse. That's a fact.