OH went out last night and came back at 9am this morning

[Sarahjane1994]

My OH went on a works do last night. He went out at 9pm yesterday and didn't come home till 9am this morning. I was whatsapping him from 6am asking where he was and he was reading the messages but not replying. He came home and has gone straight to bed. I had so much planned for today (we have a 1 year old and he has a 7 year old that I was taking care of all yesterday btw) and now he's sleeping off his hangover and won't speak to me. I opened his xmas present that I saved up for ages for and chucked it on the bed next to him and said 'merry christmas' but he didn't even look he just threw it on the floor.

His 7 year old has gone home now and my 1 year old is having a nap. I keep getting upset and I just know it's going to be the worst christmas ever.

I don't know how to react. It's not the first time he's done this. Ive gone mad at him before and it never works he still does it.
If I go out which is very rare he interrogates me about other men etc. I wouldn't dare stay out, he would literally be accusing me of all sorts now if I pulled a stunt like that.

What are your thoughts on this situation please?

Thanks and happy xmas eve x

Hi all thank you for your kind words and concerns. Sorry for not updating sooner but OH took my phone, bank card and car keys so I was stuck for ages. I pretended that all was well and persuaded him to get his head down. It was really tough because I had to laugh and joke with him despite feeling crappy and I almost went back on everything I decided on this afternoon. I managed to get to hotel with my DD it was a nice room but it felt so strange being here on xmas eve and not a home by the tree. I had also forgot the nappies so had to trek for ages to find a shop that was open and then my car ran out of petrol so had to get a push by some helpful passers by. Of course OH kept ringing demanding to know where I'd gone and that I come home asap. He then txt to say he was going out as he wasn't going to spend xmas eve alone. I decided to go back home (waste of a £50 hotel room) thinking he was gone but he was hiding upstairs. He now thinks I'm seeing another man and he's convinced I've been messaging someone else. Ridiculous. He snapped at me for not speaking to him when I got in and stormed off to bed. Ive just sorted DD christmas presents and attempted to build some myself but just can't do it :(. I want to ring the police but I can't bring myself to do it so close to christmas. He hasn't got any family and had a really bad up bringing in and out of care. I don't have the heart to make him homeless at christmas :(.

Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas and thank you so much for your kindness xxx

This makes me very nervous for you op. I wouldn't trust him an inch and would leave asap.

Please take care, Sarah. From all that you've said, I really do think that you need to get away from this man. Leaving is often the most dangerous time, so make sure if you can that you are able to leave quickly if you have to.

Thinking of you, and praying for you. x

Love I'm scared for you.

You need to not be there. I need to sleep now but please please think about getting the police or getting back to that hotel.

I'm going through something very similar, please stay safe and try and have a nice Christmas for your little ones. Feel free to pm me but ring Womens aid as soon as you can they will help you x

Honestly if I left and went back because he'd told me was going out, and it turned out he was hiding I would turn around and walk away again. Not normal behaviour.

Ouch - you've walked back into a trap. Learn from this and get out asap. This man is dangerous. He knows you're up to something and, unfortunately, the appearance/illusion of comfort and the devil you know might make escape more difficult. Because make no mistake, you were trapped by him. In his eyes you are now a prisoner. Please contact police and WA as soon as you safely can. Expect total scrutiny of your phone and activities at all times as of now.

You backed out of your plan to leave because you thought you were saving him from homelessness and equally because you weren't ready to face a time of uncertainty and lack of familiarity starting off in a strange hotel room. This over-rode the actual purpose and intention of your leaving. Which was to leave him, end an abusive relationship.

Be on your guard now because he will watch every move you make. His behaviours will escalate as he finds new ways to keep you and what he sees as his home intact. When you do have the heart to save yourself and dd, rather than him, you'll do it.

Ok now PLAY NICELY until you can get away. He's behaving like a family destroyer. You need to keep your head down until you can get away.

And can this "he had a hard childhood" bullshit, he is thirty years old and he knows that hurting and threatening people is wrong. He does it to get his own way, not because he can't help it.

Remember. He is responsible for his actions, your duty is to your daughter, not to him, and men who put hands round throats always, always escalate. You say you'd leave the first time he abused your daughter- he's already abusing your daughter. Does he have to injure or kill her for you to act? He took her upstairs to play with her to stop you leaving and that's basically all she is to him - a handcuff attached to your wrist for him to pull when he feels like it. For someone who was prepaired to go to jail to 'see his son', he's spent fuck all time with the poor little boy today. The boy is a handcuff to his mother.

You did a brave thing with the hotel - but you should have stayed away from home. Contact woman's aid and if he shows any aggression ( raised voice, hitting or throwing things are all good enough reasons to call the police) butDO NOt try to reason with him.

Remember, either he CAN help is, and does it because he likes to, or he CANT help it and will never stop. Neither of these look good for your daughter's continued survival.

I have been in your miserable shoes and my heart throbs for you, sweetheart. Get away from him as soon as you can and never ever trust his word again.

Sarah, merry Christmas to you and your dd - I hope she has a lovely day.

The upbringing thing is no excuse. It is very sad for him that he had few chances to learn better but still no excuse. He needs to sort his life out bim self but you can't make him change. Because of his aggression and the risk to you and dd you can't give him any more chances.

Please do make a plan, a New Year's resolution, to leave. A call to woman's aid will help you make that plan and then you just need to carry it through.

And as a previous poster says take no risks and act normally until you e spoken to women's aid and have a plan

OP, please take care of yourself and remember there are loads of posters on MN who have been exactly where you are and know exactly what they're talking about. This man is abusive and he will not change. You deserve a happy life and so does your baby, you deserve respect, trust, safety and love, and this relationship has none of those things. Keep posting here for support and advice and definitely, definitely contact women's aid. As soon as you can.
You seem very strong and smart, and the fact that you managed to book the room and actually leave yesterday means you can do it.
You can do it again and you can do it for good. You have us all behind you, every step of the way. Happy Christmas, I hope you are safe and well, and focusing on the bright future you have ahead of you.

I'm glad to see you've replied OP and well done for being brave enough to leave.
Now you just need to get yourself organised and leave for good.
He will be on his guard and will be watching you now he knows you are capable of leaving.

Please get yourself and your daughter away as soon as possible.

Be safe and have a good Christmas xx

OP you're putting yourself and your daughter in a very dangerous position. A woman in my local town left her abusive husband after many years of playing happily families. He met up with her to exchange some stuff and shot her and their daughter. Please call the police, very carefully and ask them to help you leave.

Where are your parents ? I would go mental if my child was going through this alone, phone them, ask for help

Sarah.
You won't leave till you are ready...You are at increased danger...
You do need to be very careful..
Next time you go turn you phone off..

Any hint of violence...Get out phone the police..It is really important you do this for the protection of your DD.

You talk about how he was in and out of care...That gives him no right to ruin your life or your DD's... Be aware at the moment you aren't able to give your DD the stable life she needs.

I would also advise when he is out.Get your paperwork together birth certificates, passports, National insurance numbers for you and him.. make a plan..

You are in an abusive relationship with a man that controls you and threatens you. I think you know in your heart that this man does not love or respect you and that he will harm you physically at some point in the future (if he hasn't already). I also think he has probably been unfaithful to you. His behaviour and attitude (accusing you, staying out all night, being controlling) is suggestive of this. Unfortunately this man sees you as his property rather than a human being who can make her own choices.

Remember that the police will help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week even on Christmas Day. Please call them if you feel unsafe they will help you. Women's Aid will also advise you and help you move on from this relationship.

Please be careful, controlling and abusive partners can become dangerous when they sense they are losing control over a partner.

The only thing that matters is your safety and the safety of your child.

For you x

You owe your daughter more than you do this man, never forget that.

Please don't worry about ruining his Christmas your daughter and your life is much more important.
I hope you are safe please take care x

I'm hopping onto this thread OP because 3 years ago, when my son was 6 months old, on Boxing Day, I left my ex when he strangled me. For such a long time I made excuses - he's had a bad upbringing. He's not really violent, he never punched me, etc.

Then he strangled me (again) and something inside me snapped. I left my home with my son and never looked back. This year, my amazing DP, the kindest most gentle man ever is building play mobile with my son, who adores him.

I spent two years as a single parent to my young baby. It's hard but worth it. My calm, quiet, clean home was a haven and I am so so happy now.

Make this your year. Make this your daughters year. Merry Christmas.

It will get worse OP, My ex was violent to me, then I became weak, timid gave in to his unreasonable outbursts, my daughter at the age of 17 had had enough of him bullying me...he grabbed her by the throat and turned on her, the result is she ended up sufferring the abuse, it never ends, we are safe now but I waited far too long to leave, make sure you go now xxx

I am terrified for you. My best friend left an abusive marriage after her husband throttled her in front of her son. She told me and I was beside myself with worry for her. She had also minimised the threat. But when she saw how horrified her friends were she made it happen. She left - he had also been in prison for a number of months for violently assaulting another person. On the surface he was a charming guy - we all originally really liked him. And then she told us what he was really like...
I had a violent dad and to this day I don't get why my mum stayed with him. I love her so much yet I cannot understand why she stayed with someone who hurt me (and her). Please, please please get out. Please give yourself and your child a better life. You say you will leave if he hurts your child - what if he already does? My mum knew nothing of the physical abuse I suffered. From the age of two... until I left home.
Please call the police, please make yourself and your child safe.

How are things op? X

I had the same experience as you Moeey89. Boxing Day - but 8 years ago. My ex strangled me and when I escaped I fled the house in my nightclothes yo a neighbour to call the police and get my very young children out (9 months and 2). It was terrifying and I am still a bit traumatized thinking about itt. I really thought he would kill me in front of my children ☹️☹️
Am happy and free now thank god.

I dont know what to do. I'm in the bath right now and he's downstairs. He has been so lovely with me and the kids. He's being extra nice and affectionate and is cleaning, cooking, helping with baby, being charming etc. It wouldn't make sense for me to call the police on him now and have him removed when I can't help but enjoy being in his company. I know it's mad but I don't feel scared and I don't feel like my baby is in danger. I read the comments and I see everyone is saying that this is serious and can only end badly but it's not registering in my head. We have been together 3 years it's my first relationship. He tells me that there are worse guys out there than him and all he does is wants to be with his family and provide for us. In his own words he says he is a simple man and rarely goes out and doesn't have any addictions so I should be glad to have someone like that. I don't know what other relationships are like, I don't know if I would be happier with someone else but I do know when he is normal we get on great. We laugh and joke together, help each other through stressful times and make some good memories along the way.

However on the otherside, I have a towel draped over my bedroom door because it is smashed to bits and I haven't had chance to replace it yet. The front door frame is all cracked where he knocked the door down when I once tried to leave him. My bedroom walls have no mirrors anymore because they all got smashed.
When I speak up he shouts me down and tells me he cant cope with me going on with myself. If he doesn't like what I say in an argument he will grab me or throw something at me. He has pushed me out of bed when I was sleeping to demand if I've been cheating, he has tore my clothes/underwear up, hidden my makeup and nice dresses so I can't go out and look nice. He has trackers on my phone and checks all of my messages etc. I don't go out because I know the trouble I'll get the next day isn't worth it. He is rude to staff sometimes when we go out so I am constantly apologising to people. He wants to fight every man who speaks to me when we go somewhere like the pub together. We went out last january to a comedy club and I didn't realise the way he was speaking to me was in any way wrong until a few people I was next to commented on him being agrressive and if I needed help to give a signal to them. I was really confused because I didn't realise it was wrong. Also, when I did once go on a night out without him he was there spying on me and I didn't realise till a guy came over to talk to me and he threw a beer over us. It was an innocent chat but I felt awful and was left drenched in beer. He then dragged me out of the bar and hit my bag out of my hands so I had to pick all of the contents up in front of everyone whilst crying and soaking wet. I've had street patrol tell him to take his hands off me and I didn't even notice he was pulling me until they said. I can't stop writing now as everything is coming to light. I just thought that this was what all couples are like when they argue. Is it not?

I have no friends or family other than him. So it's not like I have friends in relationships I can compare them to.

Maybe if he gets help for his temper then non of the above would happen anymore.

He's off his fucking head never mind a simple man. How dare you rip and hide your things ? Would you want somebody to do that to your daughter ?