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Original poster

Upset about Husband's Christmas present choice.

159 replies

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 14:02

Hi all,

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful so I want to preface this by saying I am totally not an ungrateful person at all. I don't generally expect gifts or get upset over things such as this.

Basically my partner and I have had a really bad year. We've come close to splitting up because of his selfishness, porn problems and other issues.

Recently he started talking about this present he was going to get us to do together, something I would love. He also told my mum who was saying how amazing and thoughtful a gift it would be. A couple of days ago I opened up our computer and there were loads of tabs open looking at flights and hotels to Iceland, so I was really excited and touched he would be so thoughful.

He has always been very anti going to Iceland, despite it being one of my dream holiday destinations. I thought he was going to surprise me with this grand and totally unselfish gesture.

Anyway he text me earlier saying he had bought my present and I was so excited. Just now I logged into our joint email address and there was an email from a company saying he had bought some straighteners.

So now I know that Iceland isn't happening and instead he has bought me straighteners that I need because my previous ones are broken, but I can't help feeling gutted.

Like I said I am totally not a selfish person and I realise this post may come across as bratty. It's just that I built my expectation up to be getting something truly wonderful and thoughtful to make up for all the crap he's put us through as a couple this year and I cant help but feel gutted.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 28/12/2016 20:00

Have you told him how you feel when he raised your expectations and then dashed them? What has he said.

TBH I think this would be the final nail in the coffin if the relationship isn't good anyway.

Charlie97 · 28/12/2016 20:03

It's a pretty lame and spoilt thread. Although I understand - and get what you are trying to say.
A gift is a gift - a thought process. Receiving a gift with gratitude and being surprised...

Totally disagree... OP was led up the garden path, expectations raised and dashed!

You're expectations may be lower, but that's not OPs issue, it's yours!

Sorry OP, hope he bloody well resolves this!

Cagliostro · 28/12/2016 20:04

Hmm :( sorry about the situation OP :(

Branleuse · 28/12/2016 20:05

time to say, right we are booking this and will use public transport.
Come on

Damselindestress · 28/12/2016 20:07

It doesn't make sense to call off the whole holiday because of the hire car issue, which is easily resolvable and not essential anyway. Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to get out of it because he wanted to act generous in front of your family without actually spending the money. But I don't see how he thought he would get away with it and they wouldn't mention it?! Really bizarre behaviour.

IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 20:13

Mumsnet you are shallow tonight. All content with your Christmas gifts.

Spoiled rotten bunch aren't you.

zippey · 28/12/2016 20:13

He took her aside and said why he didn't book tickets. Can the op not say "that's ok we don't need said hire car, I'll book the tickets for the both of us"

Booking surprise holidays is a bit controlling imo - it's something which needs to be planned as a group.

Damselindestress · 28/12/2016 20:20

zippey

It seems like a simple fix but I suspect there is more to it otherwise why didn't he, like the OP said, at least wrap up a guidebook or something or make an announcement when handing out presents to express an intention of going and then offer to book stuff together so she had a say in the arrangements? He didn't say that he still wanted to go but just hadn't booked it yet because of the issue with the hire car it sounds like he'd given up on the idea altogether, if it was ever sincere.

LotsoNumbers · 28/12/2016 20:24

Mumsnet you are shallow tonight. All content with your Christmas gifts.Spoiled rotten bunch aren't you.

Your don't sound like you're in a good place....Maybe you should start a thread of your own to vent or get advice....snipping at this OP isn't going to improve your lot and is just going to get people snipping back at you which probably isn't what you need

BubblingUp · 28/12/2016 20:28

So, his gift giving is aspirational in nature. Yuck. I don't blame you for being upset. Does he overpromise and underdeliver in other aspects of his life?

Giselaw · 28/12/2016 20:35

Christ Iron, you sound as bitter as fuck. Sort your own relationship issues instead of telling the OP she should suck up with abysmal treatment from her partner because you do it.

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2016 20:43

The thing is, if he had any intention of taking you to iceland he still could. You can say we can do hotel trips instead! But he still wont book it, will he? It was all about the glory of the idea for him. He gets nothing more from actually taking you.

To build up your expectations like that and get an everyday essential (more my curly mop anyway) is a real dick move. Thoughtless and all about him.

iron i feel so sad for you. Your husband is so inadequate he has made you seem very bitter. You can do better. You shouldnt lower your exoectations to the floor to avoid feeling any disappointment. You got nothing? Thas not the norm at christmas. Thats well below the norm. It is uo to you what you accept in a relationship of course, but think back to the start of it. Would you have been please to get nothing? Or has he worn you down.

IronNeonClasp · 28/12/2016 20:56

Calleigh - thanks so much.

Newbrummie · 28/12/2016 22:30

My ex bought me an electric toothbrush for our first Christmas together .... All the signs were there

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 22:39

The embarrassment of the whole thing, would be the final straw for me to make serious plans to end the relationship TBH.

Having my entire family know what a fool my DP is, would be too much shame.

YorkiesGlasses · 28/12/2016 22:46

Well, okay. So he's open to it at least... Get planning!

springydaffs · 29/12/2016 01:55

When someone posts a thread on here akin to 'what was the point you realised your marriage was over' you might chime in with this story.

Because this would kill it stone dead for me (but I'm not married to him).

3luckystars · 29/12/2016 11:31

Yes I agree it's very hurtful. Is there any chance he lost money and suddenly couldn't afford it? I'm trying to figure out why he would be so cruel to dangle something you desperately wanted in front of you and then take it away. He must have known your family would tell you.

Did you think he genuinely wanted to hurt you or something happened that he suddenly couldn't do it.

you need an explanation either way.

(and that rental car nonsense is a made up piece of shit)

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 12:09

Personally I'd issue a sort of ultimatum. "If you genuinely want our relationship to move forward, you've got to understand how this raising of my expectations and the subsequent dashing of them, has affected me. How are we going to move forward on this?"
If he then doesn't realise what he has done and doesn't immediately apologise and offer to book the holiday, I think that there is no hope for you both. I think you have to face realities. That he doesn't really care how you feel.

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2016 12:18

Ehrm, what kind of stuff do you want to do in Iceland? We went to Reykjavik and certainly didn't need a car, everything is pretty much over two or three streets, you walk everywhere, and then for anything else you book trips via your hotel. He could also have borrowed a credit card to make the booking if required, or got one of those prepaid ones, they come in a few days.

As such, sorry the dude decided not to book it, so yes, for me, this is shitty behaviour, to build it up then decide arbitrarily not to then to make up a flimsy excuse on why not, the least he could do is be honest.

SoupDragon · 29/12/2016 12:40

Personally, I think you sound like hard work. He explained why it didn't happen and instead of trying to work out a solution you're sulking.

SoupDragon · 29/12/2016 12:41

(He stuffed up too though)

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 12:57

No soup - It should have gone like this.

Dh pulls her aside and says about the car hire
Op "We won't need one. We can go on the excursions"
DH "true, we'll book later shall we"

He didn't want to go and changed his mind. Fair enough if he hadn't told all and sundry about it. But he did and that's not fair to the op.

timeisnotaline · 29/12/2016 12:58

I'd book it myself for the family minus husband.

SoupDragon · 29/12/2016 15:02

No soup - It should have gone like this.

Dh pulls her aside and says about the car hire
Op "We won't need one. We can go on the excursions"
DH "true, we'll book later shall we"

And what actually appears to have happened was:

DH pulls her aside and says about the car hire
OP sulks.

Nowhere does she say about actually talking about it like a pair of grown ups.