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Relationships

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Original poster

Upset about Husband's Christmas present choice.

159 replies

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 14:02

Hi all,

I know this is going to sound really ungrateful so I want to preface this by saying I am totally not an ungrateful person at all. I don't generally expect gifts or get upset over things such as this.

Basically my partner and I have had a really bad year. We've come close to splitting up because of his selfishness, porn problems and other issues.

Recently he started talking about this present he was going to get us to do together, something I would love. He also told my mum who was saying how amazing and thoughtful a gift it would be. A couple of days ago I opened up our computer and there were loads of tabs open looking at flights and hotels to Iceland, so I was really excited and touched he would be so thoughful.

He has always been very anti going to Iceland, despite it being one of my dream holiday destinations. I thought he was going to surprise me with this grand and totally unselfish gesture.

Anyway he text me earlier saying he had bought my present and I was so excited. Just now I logged into our joint email address and there was an email from a company saying he had bought some straighteners.

So now I know that Iceland isn't happening and instead he has bought me straighteners that I need because my previous ones are broken, but I can't help feeling gutted.

Like I said I am totally not a selfish person and I realise this post may come across as bratty. It's just that I built my expectation up to be getting something truly wonderful and thoughtful to make up for all the crap he's put us through as a couple this year and I cant help but feel gutted.

OP posts:

Belleblush · 22/12/2016 14:54

I doubt that's your main present - wait and see xxx

Original poster

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 14:57

I think the fact he has been talking about it to me and my parents is strange. I know he would've asked my mum for childcare of our children, and she has been telling me how amazed she is by his thoughtfullness. She kept saying how surprising it was for him to pick the gift he was getting me.

He has been alluding to it loads, and it seems cruel to tell all my family members.

I very, very much doubt it is both...

OP posts:

ageingrunner · 22/12/2016 14:57

Wait and see, but if he hasn't booked Iceland, book it yourself, op. Life's too short to not go if that's your dream

sooperdooper · 22/12/2016 15:01

Surely he'd get you something to open as well? You're jumping to all sorts of conclusions, just wait & see

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/12/2016 15:08

In what way has he actually alluded to taking you to Iceland?

Baylisiana · 22/12/2016 15:09

Maybe he was thinking of Iceland for a gift, but realised looking in to it that it is a big purchase and there are logistical issues to sort out so decided to do it but not as a gift, and got the straighteners instead. Yes, it would have been a nice surprise but he may just want to be practical and research best price, discuss dates with you etc.

Ginkypig · 22/12/2016 15:21

For him to go to all that trouble and tell all your family to then not do it and get you straighteners would be a massive fuck up on his part imo.

It would be the final nail for me after what else you've said. Not because he didn't buy me that present but because he made such a big deal and then dragged others into it, i would make me feel a fool (even thought I wouldn't be) my reaction would probably be to end it and book myself a solo holiday to Iceland for a few months later once the break up was over!

I know your situation is complicated due to the children though.

sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 15:22

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Understandably, but the wrong thing nonetheless.

Also, he may still be taking you somewhere even if he's not taking you to Iceland. It otherwise seems frankly bizarre for him to have talked to your mum about this thing he's bought you to do together and heavily impressed it on her, to just... not do it. So sit tight for a few days and see what actually happens. If he really did get you straighteners and only straighteners, well, he is going to have some 'splaining to do, and not just to you.

But the real issue is that your relationship is hanging by a thread, a thread so fine that any present BUT a major investment in a dream of yours is too small. If you haven't already seen the signs from him that he's committed to making things better, is Iceland going to do a thing to fix that? Spending money on a holiday to Iceland is a hell of a lot easier than going to therapy together and working at the issues between you. Why not just accept that, unless the two of you do that, your relationship is done?

Phoebex · 22/12/2016 15:26

Very odd to talk with your mum & friends about straighteners
Why would your mum be amazed at him for that? Is she easily amazed?

Luttrell · 22/12/2016 15:28

Honestly, you don't need his permission to go to Iceland. Or his money. Or his unpleasant-sounding company.

Go to Iceland!

I'm not saying there's anything really wrong with my relationship, but if I want something doing, I just do it. I arrange it, I go alone, I do whatever. There's no point waiting around for a man to do it all - 1) it's 2016, we're independent women, 2) chances are they won't anyway. I've long given up any hope of seeing plays or movies together - I go by myself. I don't drop hints about books I want to read, places I want to go to, items I want to own - I just buy them and go there.

It's very freeing. You have dreams, just go out and get them and don't let anyone stand in your way, especially via the method of pretending they'll be the ones to fulfil them. Don't wait for them.

If you've not kids, really consider getting rid. There's no need to settle for second-best. It's so much harder to untangle later down the line and you'll be sitting there wondering why you put so much effort in. People never change. He's a selfish porn-user now, that's who he always will be. You just have to decide if you're prepared to put up with that.

Would Iceland really change anything? So he books some flight tickets... it isn't going to change who he is or the ways he fails you.

Original poster

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 15:30

It's not so much 'I wanted a holiday and you got me straighteners'. It's the fact he has been saying he is getting us something to do together, I will love it. He's also told my mum who has been gushing about how thoughtful it is, how I will be so surprised, how she was shocked (she knows our history) about how thoughtful it is.

If he had just bought straighteners in the first instance it would be fine, it's more the issue he has been building up to me and family members.

We are already having relationship counselling, and when I found out about Iceland it made me think that actually maybe he can be thoughtful and unselfish. Maybe he is committed to me and our relationship and wants to do something amazing for me.

OP posts:

YorkiesGlasses · 22/12/2016 15:31

I built my expectation up to be getting something truly wonderful and thoughtful to make up for all the crap he's put us through as a couple this year

And is all that stuff resolved now? Because you know it's a hideous pattern to get into - he's a horrible partner all year but it's okay if he gets you an amazing Christmas present. Separate the present out. Day to day is he worth being with?

Italiangreyhound · 22/12/2016 15:32

Aside from the present is the relationship OK, has the porn problem been solved.

I'd be worrying about this more than the holiday.

Are you happy with him?

Wait for Christmas to judge what he has bought you.

Book your own holiday if he has not done so.

sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 15:36

If you didn't think that already, then I'm sorry, all the Iceland holidays in the world aren't going to make a difference. Relationships aren't made of presents. They can be nice extras, but for God's sake don't try to use material goods as proofs of something. It could as easily be a last ditch attempt to keep you under his thumb as a thoughtful gesture. Either you see the signs that he cares and is thoughtful day to day or you don't, and if you don't this relationship is dead, and any holiday to Iceland will be a) a probable disappointment and b) the temporary reanimation of a dead horse by money.

Relationships aren't made by once in a lifetime holidays, they're made by care and consideration exercised every day.

3luckystars · 22/12/2016 15:37

It's not Christmas yet.

You haven't exchanged gifts. I'm sorry that he has made such shit of everything that you are disappointed before you even know what he got you, and you already feel that he has led you on and it's not even Christmas.

Give it time. It might be ok.

MistresssIggi · 22/12/2016 15:43

He's getting you something to do together?
Does he have hair that needs straightening perhaps?
Bragging about a gift you don't even give in the end is pretty crap self-indulgent behaviour.

Ginkypig · 22/12/2016 15:53

That's what I'm saying mum.

It's not the present choice its the building it up, involving your family, getting you all excited part that would be difficult if in the end he had changed his mind.

If he wasn't sure he shouldn't have said anything

But as lots of others are saying it's not Christmas yet so you never know.

Use the next couple of days to get your head around it being not what you thought so you don't get overwhelmed if it does turn out to be just the straighteners.

Original poster

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 15:55

No he has no use for straighteners.

Our relationship isn't great if I'm being honest, but we have both agreed to work at it and have been attending counselling. He has stopped the porn usage as far as I am aware but he is still very selfish in other aspects of our relationship.

I will be very disheartened if he hasn't booked Iceland, especially as he has told family members that he is booking us that. The crushing part is that I honestly was so touched that he could be so thoughtful, it was a representation that he is committed to me and our relationship.

Even though he has never wanted to go to Iceland he was willing for us to go together because he knew it would mean a lot to me.

I think this is just made more disappointing by our history and relationship this year. If we had a solid and happy relationship I could probably just brush this off and find it funny in a couple of months.

OP posts:

sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 16:04

I think the people saying "just wait and see, it's not Christmas yet" are overlooking the context that this is a relationship on its last legs. I'd agree if it were a relationship that was good or had just undergone life stress in the last year, but frankly when you're relying on holidays to "prove" that your husband isn't just a selfish twat then things are probably beyond saving. Can you really see yourself going on in a relationship where even when your husband is "trying" he is "still very selfish" in multiple aspects of your relationship, and it sounds like he always has been? I think counselling can get a relationship back on track if it was once strong and good, but it can't make a selfish man a non-selfish man, or get you to a good place if there never was one even at the start.

Even though he has never wanted to go to Iceland he was willing for us to go together because he knew it would mean a lot to me.

Did Iceland steal his lunch money as a child or something? It seems a bit strange that you are attaching so much credence and hope to his being "willing" to go. Isn't it fairly basic be willing to go somewhere a partner would really love to go, unless it terrified us or we had a previous very bad experience there or we just couldn't afford it (which you've said isn't the case)? I think your standards are still a bit low, tbh.

timeisnotaline · 22/12/2016 16:09

People are being really harsh. He set you up for expecting somethIng amazing , that you can do together - told your mum even! Add to it that you really need some declaration of love and commitment from him and if it's just straighteners ... that's shit. And says a lot given the history. Don't let him off - keep making comments about how excited you are, and if it really is just straighteners on Christmas Day be honest about your disappointment. He built all the excitement up.

Original poster

Mumofboys123 · 22/12/2016 16:16

Yes I am always open to doing pretty much anything that I know he wants to do or would mean a lot to him. It's so upsetting when your partner is so selfish they aren't willing to do or try anything for you. There are many examples of this throughout our relationship.

...and then when you think that finally, after all these months and years, your partner is going to do something to show their appreciation for you, it sucks to be let down once again.

I am going to persist with the, 'I'm so excited for us to do something together' thing. See what happens.

OP posts:

birdybirdywoofwoof · 22/12/2016 16:19

Wait and see...

Surely if your mum said it was something wonderful, he has got to have booked the trip, surely!?!!

If not, then dump him now (rather than after the trip) ;)

Rosyglow74 · 22/12/2016 16:46

When you open the straighteners, act wide eyed and say "Have you taken a course in hairdressing, so we can do my hair together?" Then quietly put them to one side, enjoy your Christmas as best you can. Then make plans to get rid of him, and arrange a trip to Iceland as the start of a new life for yourself.

LotsoNumbers · 22/12/2016 16:55

Go to Iceland with someone who will share your excitement...it's a beautiful amazing country and you don't need him dragging you down!

tiej · 22/12/2016 17:09

The straighteners must be a bluff.

If not then he's made your decision to give up on the marriage an easy one.

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