MercuryInRetrograde Its an interesting question that I am looking at. A lot of people complain that its actually very hard to get anything serious or committal from OLD. I think it sort of matches the general mood. From what I can see is that marriage/long term relationships are offering less incentive to men in the first place. And with nearly 70% of women initiating divorce it would suggest the realities of marriage (likewise I assume long term relationships) is not offering women what they want. I read its predicted that 25% of millennials will not get married. From what I can see the shape of the modern world is pulling men and women away from each other. I know from a male perspective men are starting to opt out more and more. So here are a few areas/questions I am looking into at the moment:
Is the masses of choice on OLD problematic? For example someone is chatting with someone, its going well and then they see someone they like better. Or knowing with so much choice available that is something isn't to spec you can just bin and try another without giving it a chance. Or why make the effort because there will always be another one?
Is the perception of a huge OLD market making people very picky. If they don't tick all the boxes boot them and move on to the next attitude? Do people have too much expectations? Obviously if we have a check list as long as your arm like Newbrummie that is really going to limit the selection. Plus even if they meet your pass mark after meeting you may fail their pass mark. Just because you like them doesn't meen they'll want you likewise. So its a simple matter of maths that if everyone has such high standards the likeliness of two people meeting each others spec is limited. So of course OLD will have a huge failure rate. I heard someone mention the huge sense of entitlement from men of OLD, I have seen the same of women on OLD. I guess we not want to settle for second best and have lists as long as our arms. That may be the right attitude but obviously it will be a contributing factor in a low success rate.
What does marriage offer? On a cost v reward system to many men they are seeing marriage today as a bum deal. When men read things like British businessman Alan Miller married his first wife, Melissa, in 2003, he thought it was for ever. She immediately decided to give up work, including her £85,000 salary, to become what is known as a ‘Harvey Nichols wife’ — spending her time shopping and lunching. When they separated just two years and nine months later, he was forced to pay her a £5million divorce settlement, which included his £2.3million home in Chelsea and a £2.7million lump sum — despite the fact they did not have children. That’s £5,000 a day of marriage.
Marriage does not offer the same rewards/incentives that it used to be. In the not so distant past it offered respect in the community, status and of course in such a conservative society sex. Marriage does not offer the same and sex is so much more freely available and open.
Likewise now people are more sexually free and promiscuous men don't need to offer the same commitment to get sex. If their motivation is sex rather than relationship they will move on to the next woman is the sex is not forthcoming. In a way a more honest society than a man courting a woman for months to get sex. If sex is all their interested in they wont hang around.
Is there much of a sexual incentive? With online porn, the emergence of Virtual reality porn and advancements in sex toys (e.g. realistic sex dolls of both genders). If you subscribe to the idea that men are far more visual than sensual then with the above then the sexual incentive is really small. Maybe men just need porn. In massive gender miss matched cultures like china the chance of paring with a woman unless you are well off is slim and the reality is for many Chinese men is they have to make do with porn and are doing. Hence the sex shop industry is thriving in china. Could it actually be that women need men more sexually than men need women?
Maybe it part to do with us all starting to break away from gender roles and relationship stereo type. Men had been brought up to be the bread winner and to do everything to make a woman happy. They are breaking their chains and seeing there can be so much more. Likewise women are now seeing that they can be so much more than just a housewife. In a way the traditional view of marriage was mutual servitude. We often see the traditional marriage roles as being repressive to women but likewise they were repressive to men. Could the idea of marriage today be defunct?
I don't think there is the same social pressure to be paired up these days. Before it was embossing over a certain age to be a bachelor or spinster. Maybe men and women are using this new freedom to pursue other activities. From I guess a male point of view free time can be rare and people want to make the best of it. So when people are free of societal pressure to pair up and have porn are they just simply preferring to spend their free time doing other activities like the gym or playing computer games?
Is monogamy within marriage or long term relationship normal? Especially now society has lifted the restrictions so you can hump a selection of partners? Some would argue that men are genetically programed to want to spread their seed as women are more biologically interested in retaining a man of good seed. If this is the case is our far more equal and liberal society is giving men the sexual freedom to do this sharing the love. Therefore with little societal pressure or incentive why would men want to pair up?
Whether it be mainly socialisation or genetics men have traditionally taken great importance on respect. Some me would say they are no longer respected in society or by women. So they would just prefer to do their own thing without women. Just move within groups and fields where they feel valued and respected?
I do wonder as the balance of gender power has altered there does seem a failure of men and women to understand each other. Maybe this lack of understanding is making men check out? Maybe that is why they are choosing less hostile male spaces and avoiding women?
Maybe men and women are just finding far more exciting and enjoyable to do that relationships? Maybe we are all more liberated to simply do other things? Maybe we just want our own space?
I don’t necessarily agree with all these points but they are just a few ideas I am toying with. This is very much a though experiment. But I do think it is a result of our more liberalised society and that may not be a bad thing. It maybe be more liberating than I thought. This is the first time I have ever thought that possibly marriage/long term relationships may actually be repressive to all. Makes me think? In the modern world women dont need men and likewise men don’t need women. Sadly we seem to understand each other less and are drifting apart. I believe with all the effort to listen to women we have forgot to try and understand men. Whether socialised or biological we are emotionally different. I don’t think there is a lot of understanding about men or effort to understand us. We are different and far more complex than society gives credit. If men and women can’t understand each other without the traditional frame work that forced us together it inevitable we may start to drift apart. From a male perspective on a cold calculation basis it doesn’t seem to offer much now men can do and be so much more. But from a personal point of view one day it would be truly connect with a woman again (just think its worth avoiding the legal implications of marriage this time).
If you did want to try and coerce you man into marriage this Cosmopolitan article titled Seal the Deal and Make Him Commit may help:
www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a46/seal-the-deal/