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Original poster

Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

147 replies

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 12:35

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 12:35

Duh "say no" not "say know" obvs.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 16/12/2016 12:37

You're stalking him. Stop it, delete the app and start apologising. Your "stress" about where he might be is something you need to deal with, stop using it to justify your behaviour.

Looneytune253 · 16/12/2016 12:39

It's a bit weird tbh. Could you not just get him to text you if he's going to be late? That's just respectful for him to do tbh. Why do u get so anxious, do u have anxiety problems in general? To get distressed that he may walk through the door too, could u explain a little more about that?

WinnieFosterTether · 16/12/2016 12:39

I wouldn't want my DP to install tracker software on my phone without telling me so I think you have to delete it.
Then ask him to either install it or start respecting you by making and keeping arrangements. You have four DCs. I don't think it's too much to ask that you know when he's going to be home to parent them.

Soubriquet · 16/12/2016 12:39

How about asking him if he minds if you put the app on?

If he doesn't mind, "pretend" to upload it.

If he does, delete it when you get a moment

HotNatured · 16/12/2016 12:39

Yes, it would be considered abuse.

I would be livid if my DP did this to me, and rightly so.

Bumbumtaloo · 16/12/2016 12:40

If my DH did this I would be mightily pissed off.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and your DH was keeping track of your every move?

I personally think you need to delete the app and have a proper conversation with him about communication!

Fruitcocktail6 · 16/12/2016 12:40

Why can't he just communicate his plans better? Or just call him, why can't you do that everyday? It would take 1 minute

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 16/12/2016 12:41

That is very very wrong. For me that would be a deal breaker. You need to remove the app and hope your DH never finds out or he will be an exDH.

What on earth possessed you to think that this was ok Shock

Ladyformation · 16/12/2016 12:41

Um, yes, I think what you're doing is pretty dreadful. If I were your DP and I found out I would be furious.

I don't understand the problem with just checking on his plans day to day? My DP and I work irregular hours/locations and have busy social lives, so we just check in before leaving in the morning and again mid-pm so that the other person isn't worried/can make their own plans. All it takes is 2 quick texts.

Stormwhale · 16/12/2016 12:42

This is not normal. You need to delete it. Then have a conversation with him about how you feel and ask that he drops you a text so you know when to expect him home. If you are unhappy about the division of childcare then you need to tell him. If you find it difficult to plan your time without knowing when he will be home, then tell him and ask him to let you know.

Tbh there is clearly problems in your relationship if you went straight to 'track him' without talking to him about the problem.

CallMEMaybe · 16/12/2016 12:42

So, you picked up his phone, installed the app, added him from your phone, then accepted on his, and now you're watching him from it? And where on the phone have you put the app so he doesn't know that it's there?

Yes, it's abusive. You need to get the phone back and uninstall the app. If someone on here posted that they'd discovered their DH was doing this you know what the unanimous response would be don't you?

FWIW my eXH did similar. Well he tracked my phone via find my phone through iTunes and would then confront me when I got home. He also put a keylogger on the computer and bugged the house.

How do you think people managed before they had phones to stalk each other's movements?

myoriginal3 · 16/12/2016 12:43

I would hate to be tracked but conversely I quite fancy the idea of tracking someone!
It's probably illegal so I'm afraid your stalking days shall have to come to an end.

namechange102 · 16/12/2016 12:43

I don't read this as if you are using the app for 'stalky' purposes. It's so much easier to coordinate the family and meals when you can anticipate when he's back. If he can't be bothered to keep you updated when necessary, this is just sensible use. Don't feel guilty about that. As long as you're not getting stressed out checking all the time, carry on.

WinnieFosterTether · 16/12/2016 12:43

Why does OP have to call him everyday? Her DP should be responsible enough to let her know when they can expect him. He's acting like an entitled arse, swanning in and out when he feels like it, when they have 4 DCs' busy lives to manage. He's just assuming that OP will manage everything. It's very disrespectful.

FATEdestiny · 16/12/2016 12:44

The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is

Deal with that.

I have four children between 12y and 2y, copious after school activities with all of them and my activities all to fit in during the evenings. If DH and I didn't work together to make sure we had a plan of action, I would be highly anxious.

It's basic respect that I know when he'll be home in advance and if he'll be late

MuseumOfCurry · 16/12/2016 12:45

Incredibly weird. Delete it. Surely you have zero need to know where he is every minute of the day.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 16/12/2016 12:46

It's just wrong on so many levels. Just wrong

MiladyThesaurus · 16/12/2016 12:47

I'm not sure how installing and checking a tracker on his phone could possibly be easier and less time consuming than just phoning him.

I can totally see that it would be a problem if he consistently won't let you know when he'll be home from work (so you can't plan dinner etc). And also if he doesn't have courtesy to let you know when he goes shopping or whatever instead of coming home. But stalking him through his phone is not the answer.

Perhaps talking to him might be the way forward...

Ellisandra · 16/12/2016 12:49

I would go absolutely postal if my boyfriend did this to me! I don't think I'd ever trust him not to go through my phone again Angry

Delete it.
Deal with the actual problems.
By all means suggest it as a solution if that works for both of you.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/12/2016 12:50

Of course it is wrong to track anyone without their consent, but your whole post is ringing loud alarm bells for me.

You sound like you might be afraid of your husband when you talk about needing to be in the right frame of mind for his return, are you?

I'm also concerned that your DH displays no common courtesy in relation to sharing his whereabouts - it is not normal for a partner to leave the house on a weekend for the morning and only return much later without updating or informing you.

BreconCarreg · 16/12/2016 12:50

If my partner did this to me I'd leave them, immediately.

Lorelei76 · 16/12/2016 12:50

Delete it
And set up a schedule, is he not doing any of his actual home duties?

Ellisandra · 16/12/2016 12:51

I bet there is loads more to say about your marriage though Hmm

If he has a variable finish time, that is unpredictable, why haven't you already agreed that you get on with dinner and activities based on expected time then he fits around that, unless he has called you?

How come you ended up responsible for tea and clubs?

c3pu · 16/12/2016 12:51

If your motivations for installing the app were totally benign, surely you would have just asked him about it?

The deception speaks volumes for me. If my girlfriend installed tried to track me behind my back I'd end it immediately, it's a huge breach of trust.