Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

147 replies

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 12:35

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

OP posts:

Original poster

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 19:15

I ask, I don't get. His travelling is easier now that he has a mobile phone that works abroad. Surely it's common courtesy to give someone your flight number and the time it arrives? But it doesn't happen. We live near London so even if I know which city he is leaving from it isn't always clear which airport he'll be arriving in.

OP posts:

ChristmasHat · 16/12/2016 23:35

Antler, while I certainly wouldn't have put a tracking app on my husband's phone I do understand your frustration. I put up with years of this. Him never telling me his plans, getting up on a Saturday morning and telling me he was going away for the weekend and leaving me with three kids and no car. I never knew when he would be home, could never rely on him for anything, yet when he decided he wanted to play happy families we all had to jump to it and go along with his wishes. If I organised something he didn't want to do he would ensure that everyone was miserable.

I have left him and am in the process of divorcing him. Leading up to our separation I posted on here, spoke to Relate, several solicitors, my local branch of women's aid and the local DV unit, all of whom told me that his behaviour was abusive and controlling.

By never letting me know his plans he kept me permanently on the hop, I could never plan anything for myself and was wary of promising the kids anything that might involve using the car because if I told him I needed it for something he would go out without telling me, and switch his phone off. I lost most of my friends because they gave up asking me to join them as more often than not I failed to turn up, I couldn't because he wouldn't come home or let me know what time he would be in, or he would promise to be home on time and then conveniently "forget".

So while you tracking your DH is not right in my view what he is and has being doing to you is far worse.

This is what Patricia Evans says about in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship The toxicity of enduring a “relationship” with a person who withholds communication is so great that it leaves the partner depressed, unsure, and often ill. Withholders treat their partners as nonexistent, as if the partners were nothing but ghosts floating through life, meeting their needs. Withholding is a form of shunning used by some religious groups to punish those who don’t conform. The impact on the partner cannot be overemphasized. The social-emotional deprivation itself can create depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical symptoms just as surely as light deprivation can bring about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

EagleIsland · 16/12/2016 23:51

My DW would go batcrap if I did that, however if she did it to me I wouldn't be upset. I have nothing to hide. In face I have used the iPhone share my location function with her. So she can find me if she wants to.

mum11970 · 17/12/2016 00:20

Nnchange because it was 11.30 at night, and he was picking my son up from university and I wanted to know whether to go to bed or wait up. By locating him I knew they were going to be at least another 45 minutes so I went to bed.

SleepingTiger · 17/12/2016 00:25

I don't think it really matters.

You are going to have a shit weekend because you haven't planned anything because you haven't sat down, looked each other in the eye and just....talked.....about what you want to do together.

mum11970 · 17/12/2016 00:26

I didn't sit there watching the dot move round the flaming map. Just wanted an estimated time of arrival.

Deadsouls · 17/12/2016 00:38

I think there is something going wrong in your relationship if you've installed an tracker app on your DH's phone without his consent or knowledge. You don't trust him and he doesn't communicate to you about where he is or what's he's doing. I don't think it's right that you've done this at all and I don't think you do either otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

WhisperingLoudly · 17/12/2016 00:55

Your DH sounds like an abusive arsehole. He clearly couldn't care less about you or family life - why on earth are you with him?!

namechange102 · 17/12/2016 12:41

We both use the share location function of the phone. It just makes life easier to coordinate meals/family etc and we don't have to update by text or phone if stuck in traffic or whatever - nothing dodgy about that.

Blinkyblink · 17/12/2016 13:12

He's shit at communicating with you, despite you being his wife and mother to 4 children.

This is the consequence of shitty behaviour. His wife is forced to track him.

Not ideal but utterly understandable in the circumstances.

Yoarchie · 17/12/2016 13:22

I don't think there is anything wrong with a whole family being on find my iPhone in order that you can know where they are. It isn't stalking. I'd have no issue with my dh tracking where I was and I would expect him to have no issue if I tracked where he is. What is there to hide? Like you say op it's practicalities.

JassyRadlett · 17/12/2016 13:23

He isn't organised enough to be able to keep me informed

I'm sorry, but this is bollocks. He is organised enough to old down a job that involves a lot of travel. That shows he can organise himself just fine when it suits him. He just doesn't care enough about this.

What happens when you sit him down, outside the discussion about a particular day or trip, and explain that this is really important to you. If he tries to explain why it shouldn't matter, you brush it aside. Te fact is that it matters to you, and this small action by him would make you significantly happier and less stressed. It shouldn't matter to him whether it's logical or not. It matters to you, he can do something that you think will make your life easier that costs him precisely nothing. If he doesn't accept that and give it a proper go - well, I'm sorry but in that case you seem to be married to a selfish arsehole.

SandyY2K · 17/12/2016 23:20

It's as though he deliberately doesn't keep you informed of his movements.
If it were me, once I've cooked dinner, that's it. If he has to warm it up, then so be it, but I wouldn't be running round like a headless chicken to give him a hot meal, when he can't be bothered to tell you if he'll be late.

Does he realise the importance of communication within marriage. Maybe the app to track him is a good thing. Could come in very handy.

therealpippi · 17/12/2016 23:27

Why can't you ask him outright if he can add the app?

Justaboy · 17/12/2016 23:53

You don't need an app, what you do need is some Yap! and a serious one with him about how you feel and where your relationship is going and it doesn't sound that healthy that you feel as if you have to track him!.

BantyCustards · 18/12/2016 00:01

I can see why you've fallen into the temptation of using it: your DH diesn't have enough respect for you to give you an ETA.

But, it's not a solution - at best it's an Elastoplast to cover over a much bigger issue.

Delete the app, talk to him about it. If he is dismissive start planning your time as a single parent and think about where you want to go from here.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 00:14

I'd go batshit if someone did this to me, however, I wouldn't act the way he is. He's acting like a single, childless man.

You've discussed this many times & he's chosen to ignore you. I would say he's a selfish wanker & leaving him would be the best thing...but I don't have 4 kids with him, 2 with SN.

If you aren't ready to leave him, then I'd suggest if he doesn't accept your request, accept it for him. The App is out in the open on his phone. If he realises you've done it, fine, tell him as he didn't bother you did it for him, in the same way you do everything else for him, including looking after his kids 24/7/52

The app makes your life easier, just do it, if he gets the hump & leaves your life will be immeasurably easier. Win/win

BlueFolly · 18/12/2016 00:25

He's acting like a single, childless man

This. That would get my goat no end.

Christmasmice · 18/12/2016 09:49

Op I feel for you. Having 4 children and not knowing where your husband is or when he's coming home every day must be exhausting. He sounds profoundly selfish. He just takes off at weekends without telling you where to? I couldn't live like that.
Does he share the responsibility for looking after your children in any way? They must miss him when they have no clue when he's coming back.

user1479989941 · 18/12/2016 14:55

We have 'find my friends 'on our phones. My sons turn it off though so doesn't work unless you don't mind being tracked. My partner who I dont live with started using and invited me to join. I refused as hate feeling I'm being stalked. I leave it on when I do t mind him seeing where I am but turn off my phone if I finish work early or meeting friends in pub, anything really that I feel I want abit of privacy.I always think it's unusual that my partner has it and a tad controlling but it's good when you're expecting them for dinner!

user1479989941 · 18/12/2016 14:58

Sorry meant to say I gave in and eventually added it as he felt I was hiding my whereabouts but i do turn it off ..so pointless really

Bubbinsmakesthree · 18/12/2016 15:10

DH and I have 'find my friends' enabled on our phones and I probably use it a few times a week to check whether he's left work or not etc. He cycles everywhere and so can't easily answer the phone when he's travelling and I find it reassuring if the weather is bad etc to be able to check he's arrived safely in the office.

So I totally get the desire to use it, and don't think it is weird.

BUT installing it without consent is a total no-no.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread