Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

[AntlerHoof]

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

If my partner did this to me I'd leave them, immediately.

Me too.

[shovetheholly]

DH and I have Google plus set up on our phones so we can see where each other is. It's really convenient and suits us both, but obviously we both agreed to it!

I think putting an app like that on someone's phone without getting their consent is dodgy territory ethically. But then I also think not telling your partner when you're coming home, when they are left dealing with 4 kids, is actually worse. So there's wrong on both sides here.

If your DH can't understand how his behaviour stresses you out and refuses to adjust, then I would say you have deeper problems here than the app.

[QueenLizIII]

Where is he going at weekends alone from morning to teatime?

[shinynewusername]

I'd divorce DH if he did this.

[n0ne]

Me and DH use Find Friends for just this purpose, but we both willingly installed it. Doing it secretly is out of order, sorry OP.

[idratherbeonthebeach]

OP you sound unhinged, this so wrong.

[GinAndOnIt]

As others have said, you need to work together to find a way to make the unpredictability easier.

I sympathise, because DP is a farmer and doesn't have a set finish time, and it's really hard to plan. Half the time he will text saying 'I'll be home before 7.30' and then something will break on his way back to the yard to park up and he will be so engrossed in fixing it, he won't realise two hours has passed.

I find it difficult with food mostly, never really knowing what or when to cook. Sometimes I might not be hungry and be happy to have a piece of toast, but I worry he will be home and starving and so I make a meal I can't really be bothered to do. Then he won't be home till midnight and will be too tired to eat. It's frustrating, I do get it. The thing I've found easiest now is to always assume during the week he will be working late, and anything else is a bonus. He has also started texting every day at about 4.30ish asking if there's a plan for dinner (which means 'I'm hungry and will be home at a normal time, are you cooking?'). If he doesn't text, he's working late. That little thing has made a huge difference.

Your DP needs to start texting you when he's leaving work to let you know he's going off shopping or whatever. It takes two minutes to say 'just leaving now'.

[Lunde]

The deception makes it abusive IMHO

[1horatio]

If you were my DH I'd make an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

[Saracen]

Totally unacceptable to have done this without his knowledge and permission. I would be beyond furious if my dp had done this to me, whatever the reason.

If I were you I wouldn't admit to having done it - he might never forgive you - but instead quietly remove the app and then try to persuade him to put it on. I can see how this could work really well if he agrees to it. If he won't, he needs to do a better job of keeping you updated about his plans.

My dp is scatty and spontaneous and I do understand where you are coming from with this. It seems like a great idea. I might ask my partner to use a tracker if he owned a smartphone and if I thought he'd have it with him instead of constantly forgetting it at home or in the car or letting it run out of charge!

[1horatio]

Remove the app.


And then ask him if he'd be ok with you installing it.

And yes, it's creepy, shitty and in my book grounds for a divorce.

[MephistophelesApprentice]

I'm pretty sure that what you've done is actually illegal.

[AntlerHoof]

Oh god, it's really bad isn't it. It isn't hidden though, if he goes into his phone and looks at the app he will see that it's set up. I would have absolutely no problem with him tracking my location. Although I work from home so I'm not likely to be anywhere particularly exciting.

I have my two teenage DCs on Find Friends as well (with their consent) so that they can see where I am, for example if I'm picking them up from school or Scouts or something. It has come in handy, for example if I'm stuck in traffic then they can see where I am so I don't have to try and text them while driving to say I'm late. It was also a lifesaver when my DD1 fell off her bike riding home from school and I had to go and get her in the car.

He seems to be blind to the fact that I might need to know when he's coming home or where he is. There have been countless occasions where it has caused problems. He travels abroad a lot and he doesn't always tell me when his flight is getting in. So it's really useful now that I can see if he has arrived in Heathrow. Before that there was one time his flight got in and he went to visit his mum and left his phone in his car. I was phoning and phoning, not even knowing whether he was in the country or not. Loads of times he has taken the kids out for a day out on Sunday and I have had a full roast dinner on the table at dinner time - then when I phone him it turns out he's miles away and I have to keep it warm for him. Or another time one of the younger kids was ill and I couldn't make dinner because they wanted to be in my arms all the time - he didn't get home until 7 and everyone was tired and hungry. Once I had to leave the 10yo in charge of the 3yo (who was asleep in bed) while I took my oldest to Scouts because I couldn't very well wake up the 3yo and put him in the car. Okay it was only a few minutes but it wasn't ideal and if I had known DH wasn't going to get home I could probably have arranged for someone else to take DD1 to Scouts.

So no, I'm not anxious, or worried about DH coming home. It just causes massive logistical issues when I don't know where he is. To be honest, the tracking app seemed like the ideal solution and has made my life much easier. But clearly it's very wrong, by all the reactions here.

[chipsandgin]

Surely your actual issue is his lack of respect and lack of 'team playing' not to mention his mysterious disappearances at the weekend. The fact you have decided to stalk him is a symptom which has come about as a result of his behaviour. You definitely have bigger problems that that. Maybe try and find a calm and happy moment with him to explain quite how much his behaviour upsets and stresses you. If he doesn't care then go from there.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Total deal breaker for me - I would go apeshit! But then I wouldn't snoop through someone's phone, or ask to see non joint account bank
Statements as it is a disgusting breach of privacy, but some posters positively advise it.

if you have to go to those lengths than you don't sound like there is much of a marriage. Plus a lot of those tracker apps aren't that accurate.

[EvaWild]

Your problem is not that you get stressed and nervous where he is when, your main problem is lack of communication between you two.

[AyeAmarok]

It wouldn't sit comfortably with me that you'd done it behind my back, if I was your DH.

That said, he has a choice, either he has the courtesy of letting you know when he'll be home, or he puts this app on his phone. If he refuses to do either, I'd be wondering why.

[SoupDragon]

^I have my two teenage DCs on Find Friends as well (with their consent)*

with their consent is the key thing there. I can track my DC with
Find My iPhone. They know this, they know they can turn it off if they want, they know I don't care, they can also track me. But it is with their consent

[shovetheholly]

Oh Antler - the real problem here is the way he's behaving like a single bloke in terms of his parental responsibilities. It sounds like you are being, quite literally, left holding the babies while he gallivants all over the place as if he hadn't a care in the world - and without even the courtesy of letting you know where he is.

I'd delete that app and set him an ultimatum: stop behaving like a selfish tosser, or I will divorce you!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well... I can only assume this is just the tip of a very big iceberg???
Why doesn't he communicate with you?
Why doesn't he call or text to say he's going to the shops?
It seems to me that communication is your biggest issue here.
Does he just have no respect for you at all that he doesn't feel he has to tell you what is going on?
Are they HIS 4 kids as well?
If so he should be pulling his weight.
Does he help at all around the house?
What does he do all day at the weekends?
As you are very anxious, I'm assuming that he makes you feel this way for some reason.
So find out why you've felt the need to do this.
Why it can't be resolved another way.
What else does he do that is disrespectful?

Having said all of that, putting a tracker on his phone would be considered stalking and controlling which yes, = abusive!

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You're still trying to justify your behaviour OP.

[Cricrichan]

Your situation sounds exactly like mine. And I've not been able to sort it out either. I've dealt with it by doing everything myself and not counting on him for anything. I now only cook dinner for him if he tells me he's going to be home for dinner.

We have loads of other issues including controlling, EA etc and our relationship is doomed .

I would tell him that he either lets you know his plans and updates you of any changes or you install the tracker. Or better yet, he doesn't get any dinner and he'll have to pay for babysitters as and when.

[happychristmaspoobum]

Thanks for the update - so actually he doesn't give a shit about family life does he?

Why do you put up with this?

[YorkiesGlasses]

If you think he won't care that you set it up, tell him about it. He might be fine with it, or he might be very pissed off and remove it and you'll have to accept that.

[AntlerHoof]

Yes I suppose I am trying to justify it Chipping. I can't go back to the way it was before as it has made things so much easier for me, and for him too although he doesn't know why. I'm juggling working part-time and looking after four kids, two of whom have special needs, and I can't rely on my DH. It's not that I mind when he gets home, I just need to have some idea of when it will be so I can plan.