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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

147 replies

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 12:35

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 16/12/2016 12:51

It's sad that he can't just tell you what his plans are and what time he's going to be back. Why can't he do that?

Scoopmuckdizzy · 16/12/2016 12:52

DH and I have each other's phones on the find my iPhone app- it never occurred to me that it was abusive.

He used it to direct me via hands free when I was lost - I thought it was genius. Also I logged into it and was able to play a noise on his phone so he could find it.

Sometimes I do go on it to see if he's left the office yet- if I'm doing supper for the DC then I'll do ours too if he's on his way home. He knows I do this though so maybe it's ok as he's aware?

toptoe · 16/12/2016 12:52

He should coordinate with you when he's leaving and coming home. That would stop you having to hang around hoping he'll be home when he said he would (or installing tracker software).

Scoopmuckdizzy · 16/12/2016 12:53

I feel terrible now as so many pp say it's wrong to do!

BreconCarreg · 16/12/2016 12:54

Scoopmuckdizzy

It's fine if it works for you and you've both agreed to do it.

It's not fine to do it in secret without telling the other person.

doingitdifferentlytoday · 16/12/2016 12:54

We have tracker apps for all the family my DP included. If you are fully informed you can turn off the location if needed.

Can you tell your husband that it's been set up so he can locate you and you can locate him? Then it's a bit of give and take.

I use it every day so that supper is on the table for whole family about the right time. It's a fabulous app! But I would only ever use it with the consent of the located person.

Having said this my extended family think it amounts to stalking lol.

You can set the app up to ping if someone tracks you so the other person knows.

It's saved 100's of suppers from getting burned.

ageingrunner · 16/12/2016 12:55

Scoop, the op's dh doesn't know though. That's the difference. He hadn't consented

AndNowItsSeven · 16/12/2016 12:55

It's not really tracker software, it's just the " find my iPhone feature" that you can sign all household members up to.
It's not some secret tracker app.

underneaththeash · 16/12/2016 12:55

Isn't it a bit like Mrs Weasley and her clock?

It wouldn't occur to me that its abusive either....but then I think people overthink things especially on mumsnet. If you're worried then just ask him if he thinks its a good idea.

It wouldn't bother me, I don't mind DH knowing where I am.

reallyanotherone · 16/12/2016 12:55

Have you asked him?

Iirc the find my friends app requests permission for someone to follow you, you can't just stalk people without their knowledge.

When i set ours up everome had to request each other, then agree to be followed.

Are you sure he hasn't seen the request and accepted, so does in fact know?

happychristmaspoobum · 16/12/2016 12:57

Scoop posters are saying it's wrong because OP hasn't told her DH, it sounds very different from what you described, don't worry Smile

I agree that the real issue here is your DH total disrespect for you. Whydoes he leave you dangling with no idea when he will be home? Why does he go off on a Saturday/Sunday morning and not come back til dinner time without a word?

Seriously? WTF is going on here?

Have you discussed this with him? Does he say he's sorry, and he will remember to text you next time? And then completely carry on as he has before?

toptoe · 16/12/2016 12:57

Why do you think he's not telling you when he stays late or buggers off for the day? Is he unkind/selfish or just absent minded? Because it will make a difference as to whether he decides to communicate with you or not.

reallyanotherone · 16/12/2016 12:58

The find my friends app is different to the findmy iphone app.

On find my friends the follower doesn't need a password, and you can control who can see you and when.

TeacupDrama · 16/12/2016 13:00

But Scoop you know and agree to it, that's not the same as your DH installing it secretly onto your iPhone without you knowing

Installing without permission l would consider abusive l would never trust someone who did this to me again. It is a big breach of trust.

Trifleorbust · 16/12/2016 13:01

It's really not on. Sorry.

redexpat · 16/12/2016 13:01

Original problem: dw is not informed by dh of eta, which causes difficulty in planning and coordinating the other members of thr family, thus causing the op stress.

I presume (i dont know why but i get a feeling) that Op has discussed this with her dh to no avail. Dh continues to show zero respect for his dws need to plan and to reduce her stress.

Dw installs tracker app as a solution, but is really only a sticking plaster. It fixes the symptom of not knowing where DH is, but not the lack of respect he has for her needs.

whattodowiththepoo · 16/12/2016 13:02

I hope I'm just echoing others with this comment.
You need to talk to him, he might be ok with having an app that calms down your anxiety. Doing it without his consent is in my opinion, unforgivable.

LunaLoveg00d · 16/12/2016 13:03

This is very weird.

I am in a similar situation. Husband works an hour's journey from home and is home any time between 5.30pm and 9pm, sometimes later. I deal with cooking the tea and sorting the kids because I work from home and it's easier.

But we TALK to each other - "what time do you think you'll be home tonight" or "don't forget I'm out for a meal with the team tonight and won't be home until 10pm" or he phones when he's leaving work to let me know he'll be home in an hour. It's simple, basic communication.

I wouldn't dream of tracking him through an app on his phone, that's borderline unhinged.

babyboomersrock · 16/12/2016 13:04

At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime

Why? What does he do? Where does he go?

Why is he acting as though he had no responsibilities? That's the real issue.

I don't think tracking his phone is the way to go about sorting the problem, though.

ChuffMuffin · 16/12/2016 13:05

Antler, would you be upset if your DH put a tracker on your phone without telling you, irregardless of reason?

ShelaghTurner · 16/12/2016 13:05

I track my DH with his full permission and blessing. Have zero suspicions about him but when he's out running with his friend on a Friday night and I'm just about to murder the children it's handy to know how long I have to hold out for!

He's a lovely bloke but hopeless at letting me know his movements so when I jokingly mentioned tracking him a few years back he jumped on it. Would never ever do it without his permission though and if he asked me to stop then I would delete it in a heartbeat.

Quintessing · 16/12/2016 13:07

Just leave it, as it sounds like he is a person whose wife needs an app like this, as he selfishly go about his business without care or concern for her and his own kids. What partner, or dad, just takes off for the day on a weekend without communicating where they are going or how long?

SoupDragon · 16/12/2016 13:07

I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know.

Well, there's your answer. How would you feel about it if he started tracking you without your knowledge or permission?

Believeitornot · 16/12/2016 13:09

You're addressing the symptoms not the cause.

Your DH is taking the piss. He gets away with it. You could be clear with him and explain exactly why it is a problem and that if he doesn't change you will have to consider if you're happy with him (or something!)

jeaux90 · 16/12/2016 13:09

Quintessing how would you react if a bloke had posted on here about doing that to his wife?

Whatever the reasons it is wrong to do it without permission. Wrong.