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Original poster

Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

147 replies

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 12:35

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2016 15:35

Well done in removing it. The fact you thought he would not permit it, so didn't ask and did it in secret is what makes it very wrong. Tell him why you want it, as you did on here. If you explain it he may say yes, but if he says no then respect it.

My husband tried to use this on me and I said no. I have nothing to hide but there is no reason for him to electronically stalk me. It's creepy in my view , if he wants to know where I am he can ask or I shall tell him, but tracking my location on line gives me the shudders.

Isetan · 16/12/2016 15:36

Did you really have to ask if installing a tracking device on someone's phone without their explicit permission (knowing they wouldn't agree if asked) was ok?

I get it, Installing the app was the path of least resistance (the ends justifying means and all that) but it doesn't make it right. If this is the type of behaviour you have to sink to, to organise your family life with your H then there's something seriously wrong with your relationship and your 'work around' was never going to solve your underlying problem.

MoreBushThanMoss · 16/12/2016 15:41

Whoaaaaa... If this was a woman saying she's found the app and DH secretly installed it, it would be LTBs all round.... Some serious double standards here mumsnet ....

Great you've deleted it OP, but there's obviously another issue here- do you think you and DH maybe have a communication issue? perhaps counselling would be a good idea - and while you're working through your issues, you could/should come clean that you stalked him for a time- hopefully the fact that you're working on your marriage will make it easier for him to deal with in that situation.

AndNowItsSeven · 16/12/2016 15:42

Mira she has taken off, and no it's not illegal.

RedMapleLeaf · 16/12/2016 15:44

You sent a request?? Why don't you just talk to him?

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2016 15:48

No double standards - we've all said it's abusive and controlling!
Many have stated it would be a deal-breaker for them.
Where's the double standards?

forumdonkey · 16/12/2016 15:54

Hmmm you originally put it on ( without his consent) and felt the need to post for opinions, just so you knew when to put your chicken in? 😮 Absolute bollocks IMO and gross invasion of privacy and youve got bigger issues.

MoreBushThanMoss · 16/12/2016 15:56

Lots of posters trying to justify it with "Your DH is taking the piss" etc melons ... I just don't think (however shit your partner is at communicating) you can go around tracking them like they're in some sort of domestic version of the hunger games

IsNotGold · 16/12/2016 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 16:09

It wasn't just for organising dinner. He's a grown man, he can get his own meal or nuke leftovers. This is someone who chronically unable to keep me informed. He goes away on business trips and I'm lucky if I know what city is on. He never tells me the hotel or which flights he is on. One time when my DS was young he choked on a 20p piece and nearly died. I ended up having to do the Heimlich manoeuvre. Imagine having to phone up your DH's work to find out which hotel he was staying in so you could phone them to pass on a message that his son had died! Another time he was in Japan when I had a miscarriage and I had no way to get in touch with him other than email. He isn't organised enough to be able to keep me informed and he just doesn't seem to see the point. The tracking app, while I now realise it was wrong to set it up, really did make a huge difference to my life.

OP posts:

Chops2016 · 16/12/2016 16:11

Is this for real? Of course it's abusive. The poor guy

ageingrunner · 16/12/2016 16:17

I think it's really weird, rude, dismissive of him to not tell you where he is. As if he doesn't think you're worth telling. But you need to address it with him. I don't blame you for putting the app on though.

NNChangeAgain · 16/12/2016 16:20

He goes away on business trips and I'm lucky if I know what city is on. He never tells me the hotel or which flights he is on.

Unless you are joining him Abroad, or picking him up from the airport, why does it matter?

If there's an emergency, you can call him on his mobile - which is how you've been tracking him anyway. If you couldn't call him on his mobile to tell him about your miscarriage, how would tracking App have helped?

It does sound as if you have an unduely high level of anxiety - but you need to ASK him if he's willing to accommodate that, not expect him to and if he refuses, deceive him.

Nicknameofawesome · 16/12/2016 16:22

*This is not normal. You need to delete it. Then have a conversation with him about how you feel and ask that he drops you a text so you know when to expect him home. If you are unhappy about the division of childcare then you need to tell him. If you find it difficult to plan your time without knowing when he will be home, then tell him and ask him to let you know.

Tbh there is clearly problems in your relationship if you went straight to 'track him' without talking to him about the problem.*

This. I wouldn't actually give a shit if my DH used the app to find my location if i was late if I knew about it. I've friends who do it. They both find it simpler to check the tracker than faff with texts/calls when the other may be driving.

If I found out DH had installed it without my knowledge and was constantly tracking me I would be fucked off as I'd assume he didn't tell me because he didn't trust me.

Original poster

AntlerHoof · 16/12/2016 16:40

The choking incident happened when he didn't have a phone he could use abroad. The miscarriage happened when he had a phone that wouldn't work in Japan. If I go away on business I write the flights and the hotel on the calendar. Isn't that normal? I have four kids, two of whom have special needs, I work part-time and I have a DH that I can't rely on. I'm not anxious, I'm just trying to keep the household running. He absents himself of responsibility and I'm left trying to manage on my own.

OP posts:

MoreBushThanMoss · 16/12/2016 16:42

antler ... I seriously think you need couples counselling. And a shared outlook calendar or something. It's not healthy the way you're living now. You're obviously distressed enough by your DPs lack of communication to do something most people find unconscionable - and he obviously can't compute why you need more information from him. Maybe a counsellor can help you both?

MoreBushThanMoss · 16/12/2016 16:42

Do either of you have a work PA? Can you get them to liase?

sophiestew · 16/12/2016 16:45

antler this really isn't normal, how you are living. It doesn't really sound like a marriage at all

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2016 16:51

Them you need to do something to fix you're relationship. Secretly tracking him against what you clearly think will be his wishes isn't ok. Two wrongs don't make a right. His bad behaviour does not justify your bad behaviour.

He doesn't tell you where he's going, you secretly track him, neither of that is ok and is an absolutely shit way to live.

shovetheholly · 16/12/2016 16:57

I wish people would read the thread. The OP has acknowledge that installing the app was wrong, and has removed it. She's now revealed some really upsetting information about her marriage, which calls for a different tone and approach.

Antler - your DH is treating you appallingly. It's NOT OK not to inform your partner about your movements like this; in fact, it's totally irresponsible and uncaring. As you've found out, there are many situations where you might need to contact him in order to pass on important information, or to consult. You sound like a lone parent, having to shoulder everything by yourself but with this additional anxiety around your partner's movements. I think the vast majority of women would be distressed about this level of secrecy concerning their partner's whereabouts, particularly if they were having to shoulder the raising of four children more or less alone.

forumdonkey · 16/12/2016 17:02

I don't get how this app would have helped you in either of the scenarios you described, unless he was in the hotel and never moved from it. My best friends husband works away for weeks on end and has done for years. She often doesn't know where he is or where he's staying. It's pretty irrelevant because if she wants him she just phones him.

NNChangeAgain · 16/12/2016 17:06

I genuinely can't see how your life is easier with a tracking app - if his phone doesn't work abroad, you can't track him so it solves nothing.

I agree with PP that given the fact that you have 4 young children, it's not unreasonable to know more about his commitments and when you can expect him home, but equally, I wonder what triggered this change in his behaviour? I assume he's not always been like this?

mum11970 · 16/12/2016 18:22

The only issue is if he wouldn't be happy with you locating him and the fact he doesn't know it's there. Iphones come with find my phone app installed. My husband, myself and my daughter all use the same account, therefore we can all locate each other when we use the app. The difference is we are all aware of it and have no issue with it. I was locating my dh last night as he was on a long drive and I was trying to work out how far away he was and it is safer for me to track his location than phone him whilst he's driving.

NNChangeAgain · 16/12/2016 18:27

I was locating my dh last night as he was on a long drive and I was trying to work out how far away he was

I might be missing something, but why?

offside · 16/12/2016 19:06

But surely if you just asked him he would tell you? If he isn't great at letting you know of his own accord, then why don't you just ask for specific details, and keep asking until he gives them to you? My DP doesn't tell me his flight numbers or where he's staying, I don't need to know, Iknow I can reach him on his mobile if I have to and I know he will tell me if I wanted to know.

There's more serious issues going on in your relationship if you can't have an adult conversation with each other.

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