Is it abusive for me to put a tracker app on DH's phone?

[AntlerHoof]

I have set up Find Friends on my DH's phone so that I can use my phone to find out his location. He doesn't know I have set it up, I didn't ask his permission because I thought he would say know. I have just found out that installing a tracker app on someone's phone without them knowing is possibly abusive and I'm wondering whether I should cancel the connection.

I have no reason to suspect him of e.g. seeing another woman so I'm not using the app to investigate him. The reason I use it is that I never know when he is coming home or where he is. Sometimes he gets home from work at 4 p.m., sometimes not until after 6 p.m. Or he might decide to go shopping after work and get home very late. At the weekend he can go out for the morning and not get back until teatime. Before I started using the app I would get distressed about never knowing when he was going to walk through the door. I had to sort out our four DCs after school, make dinner, plan to get the DCs to any evening activities etc. without knowing when DH would be back. Occasional texts or phone calls to find out his plans are okay but I couldn't do that every day.

Since I started using the app I have been able to be a lot more chilled out. I can look at his location, find out he's still at work, and plan accordingly. Or if I'm worried about him being late I can find out that he's at the shops. As well as making my life a lot easier and less stressful there has been a knock-on effect on him as I'm in a better state of mind when he gets home.

What do I do? Delete the app? Tell him it's already there? Ask him to install it (I still think he would say no)? I don't think I can go back to the way it was before, it was incredibly stressful. But equally I don't want to be doing something that is abusive.

[joystir59]

it is your ight to know what his plans are and for him to communicate changes in his schedule. That is the issue you need to deal with. Delete the tracker at your first opportunity and then have a proper chat with him. Personally id be incensed if my partner buggered off all day at the weekend without any discussion- doesn't he like being at home with you and his children? Are you sure he isn't seeing someone?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

can't go back to the way it was before as it has made things so much easier for me

This isn't an option either. You are stalking him. Digitally, rather than sending someone to follow him, but it's still pretty awful. And I say that as someone who as Find my Friends with plenty of friends and DP on - but they all know, and approved it. If I found out someone I hadn't approved had set it up without permission, I'd leave them - and that's without your DH's existing issues with not wanting you to know where he is.

You need to delete the app; and remove the connection from his phone so you're not tempted to reinstall it. Then tell him if he can't tell you where he is and when he'll be coming home, this isn't working for you anymore, with or without telling him what you've done.

[toptoe]

Yes people are worried about being tracked but you didn't do it to be abusive or controlling. You just wanted to know where the fuck he is when he forgets his phone or doesn't let you know he's going to be late or doesn't answer when you call him.

I don't know whether he sounds disorganised and gets into pickles or if he doesn't care about letting you know.

Either way you say you have had countless issues so I assume countless conversations about it and he still hasn't changed. That indicates he isn't capable of changing because he is either very disorganised or actually unable to care about the impact on you.

So the find the phone app is probably the best way to find out where he is, but it does need to be with his permission. I'm not sure he'll give it to you. It could be he's uncaring, so he won't. Or he may be uncomfortable with you knowing his every move and not wanting to be managed. Either way it's his choice.

It's sad you're in this situation. It is horrible when you need help and your dp isn't contactable or seems oblivious to the impact on you. It's natural for this to make you very anxious. It's also not a terrible thing that you installed the app as I think you saw it as an extension of what you were doing for your dc. And it made you a lot less anxious. However, it's going to have to go I should think now you have doubts about whether you should be using it.

I hope you find a way of resolving this issue. It does involve him making some committment to you about time. Perhaps you need to be honest and clear about what you want at a time when you aren't having another 'issue' about it.

[user1471470316]

Antler - you are spying on your husband.

A spy is someone who secretly collects information about someone else.

Which is, by definition, an odd thing to have to your husband when most people can just ask.

So it seems to me that you need to understand why your husband doesn't communicate with you.

But more's the point - you need to understand why your husband has so little respect for you that he doesn't feel that he should.

A tracker doesn't solve those fundamental issues in your relationship and I'm sorry that you having to resort to that.

[BertrandRussell]

Secret tracker is a deal breaker.

But so is refusing to keep in touch and provide a rough idea a location and expected home time.

[offside]

I'm just absolutely baffled why you can't communicate with your husband about his eta or whereabouts. What kind of relationship is this?

Why can't you just ask him be fore he leaves for work, or the night before, what time he's going to be home for xyz reason. In fact, you don't even need a reason, I think it's perfect able acceptable to ask your partner what time they think they're going to be home if it isn't a set time every night - my DP works away too and whenever he is away I always ask him what time he thinks he's going to be home.

I'm honestly very confused by your actions and unwillingness to ask the mundane everyday reasonable questions.

[Aki23]

Stop stalking him and speak to him. If you cant speak to him about any concerns you have think hard about your relationship. Think how you would feel if he did the same to you.

[BertrandRussell]

The OP has tried to get him to tell her when he will be home. He refuses to. Which is as much of a deal breaker as tracking.

[thisagain]

Can absolutely see where you're coming from actually. I 100% trust my husband but never know when he will get home. He works in various airports up to a 2 hour drive from us but also has a local office. I often don't know where he is working or what time he will be home. However, a quick phone call usually answers this! Usually conversations have taken place earlier regarding teas and clubs also. If this wasn't possible, I would ask him if putting the tracker on would be a solution, but not just do it anyway. That's the bit to me that seems a bit odd. I would just uninstall it.

[NerrSnerr]

If my husband put a tracker on my phone I would go ape shit. You need to talk to him properly.

[TooMinty]

The issue here isn't the app, it's his lack of communication or support with your kids. Forget checking up on where he is, make sure he keeps you informed of his work schedule and comes straight home to look after his kids! And don't plan mealtimes to suit him unless he starts pulling his weight. If you are feeling kind, set aside a plate he can reheat but with the lack of respect he shows, I'd be tempted to stop cooking for him altogether.

[SooDeNimm]

This is such a gross invasion of privacy. Totally out of order and yes, abusive.

Stop it.

[WatchingFromTheWings]

That's creepy, stalkerish and abusive. More than likely illegal too. My DP would be out the door if he did that to me.

[Joysmum]

Delete it and ask him about the benefits of setting it up on his phone. It'll be his choice. TBH I'm shocked you've violated his privacy like this.

We all have the find friends app and it's been brilliant. My hobby means I can be injured in the middle of nowhere, DH works all over the country at short notice rice and I can tell if it's worth waiting for him for dinner, my DD knows find friends is a condition of her having a phone.

We all will have occasion to switch off our tracking, especially at this time of year.

[CocktailQueen]

Agree with the others. This is stalkery, and abusive.

You need to sit down with your husband and ensure he knows how important it is that you know when to expect him, etc. Get him to communicate better with you.

But I'd leave my h if he did this to me. It's horrible - a real invasion of privacy.

[AntlerHoof]

Right, I have deleted him from the app and sent a new request. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to accept it or not.

Please don't judge me harshly. I didn't plan to spy on or collect information about my DH. I just wanted to be able to manage better, for my sake and all of my family including him. Now that I have found out that it is wrong I have stopped... albeit a bit reluctantly.

[wheresthewine36]

Although I agree that it was unreasonable to download the app without his permission, it is unreasonable of him to not let you know when he'll be home. There is no reason at all why he can't let you know in advance a rough time he will be home and if delayed, a text or call to let you know really isn't much to ask.

[user1471470316]

Antler - if he refuses, which is of course, his right to do so... then he needs to be very clear with you about how he does intend to keep you reasonably informed and updated about his whereabouts, when this has an impact on his wife and children.

He's not a single man. He needs to stop acting like his actions have no bearing on those around him. And he needs to stop assuming that you will pick up everything there is to pick up, whilst the does his own thing.

[Lorelei76]

He will refuse
If he's not doing normal communication I doubt he'd agree to this.

[Cherylene]

If he consistently does not tell you when he will be home so you can't make dinner, then don't make the dinner or make it at a specific time and leave his to get cold - he can microwave it.

[Joysmum]

There is no reason at all why he can't let you know in advance a rough time he will be home and if delayed, a text or call to let you know really isn't much to ask

It really is not always possible our situation which is why the app is so useful.

[RestlessTraveller]

Of course it's abusive. It was one of the things my horrible controlling ex did and it was part of the evidence given to the police which resulted in his arrest.

[frieda909]

My boyfriend and I had Find My Friends enabled (mutually) for a few days and I hated it. I didn't care about him knowing my whereabouts, but I actually found that I didn't like being able to check on his all the time. It made me overly interested in his movements and I started to drive myself a bit loopy checking it and wondering 'Why is he in that place? What's there?' I could feel the potential for it to turn into something quite sinister, so I explained all of that to him and deleted it from my phone.

I'm very pleased you've deleted it and sent him a legitimate request now. Your intentions may well have just been to use it for mundane household scheduling, but I think it would only be a matter of time before you'd spot him in an unfamiliar location and your imagination would start to run wild. And then you wouldn't have been able to ask him about it without revealing your own deception. That's the sort of thing which absolutely destroys relationships.

[78mira19]

What you have done is illegal. I would take it off his phone immediately.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Read the thread!
She has already removed it!