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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I should be allowed

191 replies

FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 11:26

To buy my daughter a couple of Christmas presents! OH is mad at me for not Christmas shopping with him. I was just in tesco on my way home from school run and saw a great deal on a couple of dolls. We had already discussed we would get these, so I just grabbed them whilst I was there and the account was full! Now im in the wrong and im getting told off for buying them.(without him)
AIBU to think im a grown woman with 3 kids I should be allowed to buy presents!
He said no other woman would do this without discussing it with their husbands first? I saw a few mummies grabbing some bargains!

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 15/12/2016 13:01

"Am I wrong?" Have you read all the responses? how many more reassurances do you need to know this is not the norm in a healthy relationship?

mummydawn07 · 15/12/2016 13:01

you are not wrong, and he sounds controlling me and my OH both work we have 2 children, he works full time and I work part time, I do all the xmas shopping and my OH isn't bothered what I buy for our girls he doesn't even ask to see, he just lets me get on with it because he knows that I will know what to choose and he like he says is useless at all aspects of shopping, the only thing I do is keep all receipts so he can keep track of what's been spent as we are trying to save for a mortgage and log everything we both spend. Your OH sounds like a knob and you would be better off without him, have you considered going it alone, i'm sure you'd have lot of support from family and friends if you did?

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:02

Ok he's just left for shop n im guna have a little cry.

He doesn't see how its controlling ive told him I always feel nervous buying things etc His answer was "but you do it anyway? Apparently im controlling for speaking up and not saying sorry and causing all this.
There goes the "turn it around on me"
It is exhausting I find my 3 kids to be less of a strain than him.

I think his love is a dangerous love. I think he does actually love me but, its not right?

In all honesty I would be a lot better off without him even financially as he wastes a lot of money. Im a good bargain hunter and money saver. When I can be!

Thats why I dont feel close to him anymore its worn me down.

OP posts:
RB68 · 15/12/2016 13:04

Completely not normal - your response to him shopping is the right one. Remind him of this. It is unreasonably controlling to expect involvement - you will miss out on alot, you had agreed the items they were there 0 it was an opportunity. At the end of the day they can always go back but wld be crazy to do that and go and buy elsewhere so he is being entirely ridiculous and controlling to suggest anything other than what happened.

gleam · 15/12/2016 13:04

Oh love. ((((FDP))))

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 13:08

You are NOT wrong.

"I do speak up. Every time it just causes an argument."
He is trying to train you to not speak up. To make it so unpleasant that you will stay silent rather than face another argument. It is an example of his controlling behaviour.

You are on medication, which means that your GP in aware of your PTSD/depression. Could you go to your GP and see if they can refer you to counselling? That may help you with both past and present abuse, because believe me, he is abusing you now Sad.

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:09

I have no family they live 200 miles away. I have my mum here but she met someone and we've been almost abandoned since, she has her grandchildren 1 night a few rimes a year because her boyfriend has his son (16) staying every Saturday. So she will fit me and the kids in whenever she can. My best and only friend (which my OH hates!) has just also got into a relationship and has also seemed to have disappeared of the face of the earth, unless she wants me to babysit.

But in spite of all that yes I could easily go it alone. I have to keep asking for that reassurance as he would easily go up against all of you and still think he's right!

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:10

Im on the waiting list for counselling (5months to go)

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 15/12/2016 13:13

I was married to a lazy cocklodger for decades. It takes time to wake up, and to gather your strength. It sounds like you are in a strong position housing wise. Take time to think and plan.

MN is awesome. They helped me, let us help you Brew Brew

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:14

The first thing I said is I'll take them back. But it wasn't what I bought that was the problem. We had both already seen the dolls and said when we get paid we'd grab them. So I did, after the school run. Its the fact he wasn't with me that bothers him so.

OP posts:
Whatthefuckis1tnow · 15/12/2016 13:15

No he doesn't want to spend time with his family like he is saying. He just wants to control your every move. His behaviour sounds exhausting but only you can put a stop to it by leaving.

Whatthefuckis1tnow · 15/12/2016 13:16

Is he violent?

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:17

I will remind him of when he bought the doll amd car the other week. (He was on his own).
My reaction was 'wow' that's lovely, great bargain babe"

OP posts:
Trumpity · 15/12/2016 13:17

5 pages of people saying "you're not wrong. He, and this relationship are."

Noone is saying it for a laugh. They mean it.q

Helenluvsrob · 15/12/2016 13:18

This woman does all he bloody Xmas shopping! partly as I love it but also otherwise it'd involve sainsburys on 24/12 and a very blank faced DH going " I don't know what to get"...

Hence a couple of years ago when he did decide to get them a little something he'd chosen, they all had a tiny wax wrapped truckle of cheese :) They like cheese but it was a very random Xmas gift!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 15/12/2016 13:19

YABU for using the term 'mummies' and for saying it's a woman's job to shop.

Otherwise, you should probably be laughing in his face at the suggestion you should check with him before making a (small) purchase. Would understand if it was a new kitchen or something.

Jackiebrambles · 15/12/2016 13:19

You need to start making plans to leave.

He's AWFUL. You deserve so much better, he's an abusive controlling arsehole.

So sorry for what has happened to you Flowers

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/12/2016 13:20

He will have an answer for anything you say. Don't bother.

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:21

He did strangle me once to the point I couldn't breathe. That was about a year into the relationship. Other than that he's spat in my face about 4/5 times but its mostly little things like this. I get up at 5.30 everyday even weekends if my bubba wakes early, but he is the one who complains he doesn't get a lie in (I will wake him with a cuppa b4 I leave around half 7/8am. Kids all ready for school!).
He says he's only able to get a lie in when im not here, basically if I go to town for a few hours

OP posts:
Meeep · 15/12/2016 13:21

He has made you so confused that you can't see what 100% nonsense his tantrum is.
You are completely being normal. He is completely being ridiculous. Absolutely everyone here has said so.

Picking up some dolls you had talked about before, that you can afford, nobody would turn that into an argument unless they were a complete dickhead!

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 15/12/2016 13:25

"He did strangle me once to the point I couldn't breathe."

You should know this is very high risk behaviour for someone who could end up killing you.

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:26

Definitely in a strong position with the house etc solely in my name. But I believe when I do ask him to leave it may have to involve the police. (Which the kids will see Sad) Im also not that strong yet! But im more than ready.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 15/12/2016 13:27

Call women's aid today.

He spat in your face, more than once. Good fucking god, you've got children in the house.

Get you and them the fuck out of this relationship.

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 13:27

He never physically attacked me again after that. Apart from spitting. He said he scared himself

OP posts:
Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 15/12/2016 13:28

He SPITS IN YOUR FACE??
oh my good God.