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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I should be allowed

191 replies

FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 11:26

To buy my daughter a couple of Christmas presents! OH is mad at me for not Christmas shopping with him. I was just in tesco on my way home from school run and saw a great deal on a couple of dolls. We had already discussed we would get these, so I just grabbed them whilst I was there and the account was full! Now im in the wrong and im getting told off for buying them.(without him)
AIBU to think im a grown woman with 3 kids I should be allowed to buy presents!
He said no other woman would do this without discussing it with their husbands first? I saw a few mummies grabbing some bargains!

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 15/12/2016 12:26

Did you buy an extra doll for him, op?

So he can throw it out of his pram?

Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 12:28

Maybe because money is so tight he wants to have the enjoyment of spending it with you as buying gifts is only a luxury afforded at Xmas/birthdays? But it's ridiculous to want to be there for every little thing u buy.

Earlgreywithmilk · 15/12/2016 12:29

Can he not find a full time job?

Allthebestnamesareused · 15/12/2016 12:30

Seriously? I suspect in most families the woman buys the bulk of the gifts and the man buys just for his wife (and possibly his own family - if the wife has been canny enough to insist he does this!)

Where do people even get the time to be able to do all shopping together?!

Jaxhog · 15/12/2016 12:31

Buy him a calendar & point out that it isn't 1950?

This

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 12:32

He claims jsa for the family, as im a SAHM youngest is 10 months and hes looking for work. I claim child benefit and tax for the children in my name. Hes allowed to work upto 16 hrs a week part time, We both have access to the money. But I dont usually see the 20 he will 'earn' the day he works.
I dont know why they do so little work its his friends business the friend is out at work all day he'll do house cleans etc.
He cant afford to have him work with him for more than a few hours a day.

OP posts:
SelfCleaningVagina · 15/12/2016 12:33

What is he on about? Is he not aware that almost every other man on the planet is only too glad to delegate all gift shopping entirely to his wife? Even her own present from him if he thought he could get away with it? In fact there have been decades and decades of jokes about clueless men wandering the aisles of M&S at 4pm on Christmas Eve because of men's intense dislike of shopping.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 15/12/2016 12:33

He sounds like an absolute arsehole . seriously, do you think this is normal behaviour?

CockacidalManiac · 15/12/2016 12:34

Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247.
It might be helpful to talk to them about how you are feeling too.

Ohdearducks · 15/12/2016 12:35

I suspect you have no confidence or self esteem because he's bullied it out of you.

zukiecat · 15/12/2016 12:35

Sweetheart you sound like me a few years ago

My XH was very abusive and controlling, I couldn't buy a pint of milk without permission and he'd give me the money then demand the receipt and the exact change

I get what you mean about the no self esteem, he destroyed what little I possessed, it was an awful hellish existence

Then I plucked up the courage to LTB, and while life is a struggle financially, I am so much happier without him

Your " DH" sounds exactly the same, and his behaviour is appalling Flowers

Astro55 · 15/12/2016 12:36

My DH won't have seen or discussed 75% of gifts as much as a surprise to him as the kids

You need to speak up and get out - he is destroying your confidence

Gottagetmoving · 15/12/2016 12:37

Don't get into ridiculous arguments.
You bought the dolls. He isn't happy you did it on your own. It's his problem.
Personally, I would have laughed at him.

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 12:38

I think im going to be the one to find a full time job first!
I know it's not normal behaviour its figuring out if im the only person that thinks this and what to do!
He's also very obsessive of me, I feel like I cant breathe sometimes but I have to show affection everytime or hes starts to feel unloved

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 15/12/2016 12:39

While it is lovely that he wants to get involved, it really is controlling to insist that he should be there for the purchase of an item already agreed on!

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 12:39

"Im with him because I have no confidence, no self esteem."
I'm glad that you've reached the 'this is wrong' stage. It's the first step. I think the next step for you might be to start turning what you've said around a bit. Have you considered that you have no confidence or self-esteem BECAUSE you're with him? That this relationship is draining you of your self-esteem? That HE is draining you? Living with the sort of behaviour you've written about here is exhausting.

Once you've thought a bit about the impact he is having on you, maybe have a look at the practicalities. If he wasn't part of the household, what would the financial impact be? What benefits could you claim as a single-parent household. You might find you're no worse off.

CockacidalManiac · 15/12/2016 12:39

OP, it might be a good idea to move this to Relationships. If you want to do that, report your initial post and MN will generally do the rest.

cauliwobbles · 15/12/2016 12:43

No other husbands, really, DH has about as much idea what's in the kids stockings as fucking Santa himself!

He's being a tool.

ClopySow · 15/12/2016 12:43

Soory mate, your man sounds like a fucking nightmare all in.

You'll probably feel that self esteem seeping back in as soon as you get rid of him, which you should you know.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 12:43

"I have to show affection everytime or hes starts to feel unloved"
Well let's face it he's not loveable so why should he get to feel loved? Do you feel loved? No, you feel suffocated and watched and mentally exhausted.

When he doesn't feel loved - what does this mean to you? What behaviour does he exhibit? If it's sulking, let him go for it. Ignore the sulk, let him feel unloved enough to bugger off. Problem solved. Or is it worse for you?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 12:45

Oh lord another abusive arsehole cock lodger! They seem to be everywhere Sad

MiddleClassProblem · 15/12/2016 12:46

It's so much bigger than the op. You need to get out of this!

seriouslyenoughalready · 15/12/2016 12:48

my husband has literally no idea what i have bought for Christmas. If I didn't just get on and do it, the kids would have nothing to open
Very little discussion here

Original poster
FuckDaddyPig · 15/12/2016 12:50

Im not even arguing with him. He's pondering around the house.
I always had no confidence etc. I was sexually abused from the age of 4 by various people.
I have P.T.S.D and depression through it though im on medication.

I do speak up. Every time it just causes an argument. Ends up being my fault. Like now.

He -shouted- said he's not being controlling he just wants to spend time with his family. Wth it was a couple of dolls from the supermarket I didn't go on an all out shopping trip without him?
Am I wrong?

OP posts:
K425 · 15/12/2016 12:58

You're not wrong. He is. He is controlling and it sounds like he's emotionally abusive.

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