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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
toptoe · 15/12/2016 20:52

I know you will start to second guess what you have known all these years - what was real love, what wasn't.

Often men like this a very very 'loving' in an almost can't live without you sort of way. It totally sweeps you off your feet and is amazing. It feels so true and complete. But I'm sure you had a few little bells ringing back then of times when the mask slipped and you saw a glimpse of him, without the charming loving front.

I think it's best to see him as being incapable of being any other way. It's not your fault you fell for him. You weren't stupid or in denial. You thought it was real. But for him it is different. He's not capable of feeling true love where you would hate to hurt someone on purpose. However you have got to this place, it is what it is. He's not doing this to you because of you. It's what he wants to do and how he exerts control over you, to get you to do what he wants you to do without you arguing back.

It simply comes down to control. In the beginning he couldn't do what he does now because you would have run a mile. He doesn't have to bother pretending now because he knows how afraid you are of him and of leaving him.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 20:54

Of course you are loveable. You are certainly worthy of love

But you were unlucky to fall for a man who doesn't love you. You've been with him for 20 years.
If you had dumped him, you'd have found someone else who did actually love you.

And I'm sure your children love you to bits too.

The thing is that he is not worthy of your love.

Parker231 · 15/12/2016 20:55

Cherry - you are not unloveable. It's him who is the criminal and is at fault. You need to let the law deal with him and punish him.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 20:56

I'm sure he even put you on a pedestal at some point. You felt great and loved.

But men like this need validation and need to bring their women down from their pedestal where they put them. Hence the rapes. That's him bringing you down to where he is in control.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 20:56

It's true, I suppose, if I had a graph although I'm no mathematician I could show how it went.

I'm scared of being alone.

It's more than that, really. I know people say your life is better and what if it is better but still a bit rubbish? Lonely and empty and lacking in purpose? Is that better than what I have now? Don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 20:58

I don't know that he did Lweji, I used to FAWN over him. I was really young but still, he does often say even now most girls would not have put up with it but I did. And I know what that makes me.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 15/12/2016 21:10

So your husband is a Rapist? How do you think he became a rapist?

Never mind you just keep on exposing your children to the characteristics of a rapist Confused

I understand you are a victim and that your life to a certain extent is worry free but if you stay with your husband; when your children grow up dysfunctional don't ask yourself why.

Of course this Rapist has nice qualities about him - don't you realise all Rapists do? Or murderers?

This man is dysfunctional and dangerous and you know reporting him would have consequences for him professionally and ruin the finances - decisions - decisions

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2016 21:10

It takes years to get enough distance to recognize all the different forms of abuse. I went from being a superhero/warrior of a woman to being sexually and emotionally abused in just a year. Every boundary was pushed. He physically hurt our DD1 aged about 18 months. I didn't or couldn't stop it happening.

Seeing your mum damaged is horrendous. Hearing her constantly slated is terrible too.

They don't see him any more but we will be dealing with that damage for ever. He manipulated us all again and again. Being gaslighted is terribly damaging for kids.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:12

It's nothing to do with money Quitelikely

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/12/2016 21:18

Do you have access to all the bank/savings accounts - can you easily access money ?

RestlessTraveller · 15/12/2016 21:18

Do you realise that your children are being subject to abuse? That you are failing to protect them?

Lweji · 15/12/2016 21:21

What do you think that makes you?

Domestic abuse is complicated and don't ever think you caused or deserve it.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:25

It makes me weak, needy, pathetic, desperate.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/12/2016 21:30

You just sound like someone who wants to be loved and has a lot of love to give.

This is not because of anything you did or because of who you are. So many women have fallen into similar traps.
But you have a new understanding of it. You have reached the point where you are reaching out for help and to get out.
You can do it. You are strong enough to do it. If nothing else for your children.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:31

I have to be. Need to work out how best to do this. Gosh I am miserable!

OP posts:
Lambzig · 15/12/2016 21:32

,.it really doesn't you know. It just means that your boundaries aren't very strong. And that might be because you weren't modelled good boundaries as a child, or weren't supported. It doesn't make you weak and it certainly doesn't make you pathetic or desperate. But in can understand it makes you feel that way - it makes you vulnerable and allows men like him to take advantage of that vulnerability.

If you want to, when you are ready, you can change all of this. Perhaps your children might be a good motivator.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:36

I was only 16 when I met him, but even so I know most 16 year olds would have walked. I think he perhaps did know I didn't have much confidence.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 15/12/2016 21:42

Abusive men seem to know who to target. This has been your life since 16? You are incredibly brave to post about this and to start to think about whether you need to get you all out, if this has been part of your life since 16.

Parker231 · 15/12/2016 21:42

End of 2016 is a perfect time for planning and looking forward to a happy and safer 2017. You need to be looking forward not back.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:47

I wanted it then, though. I thought he was everything.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/12/2016 21:50

You wanted what at 16? And how old was he?

I'm sure you wanted to be loved, you were vulnerable and he exploited it.
Did you want to be raped?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 21:53

I wanted his attention. I wanted his world to revolve around me I suppose. He'll have been 23 when we met. Just turned 23.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/12/2016 21:54

Now you know he is an animal so time to get him out of your life - no one ever deserves to be violently treated. If it was left to me, people like him would be locked up and the key thrown away!

Lweji · 15/12/2016 22:24

He was an adult and you were barely a child.

You wanted what everyone wants. It's fine.
Would you have chosen to be with him if you knew what you know now?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 22:33

No, I don't think so, although I do still wonder if there was a point where things tipped out of control a bit.

When we first got together he gave me anything I wanted. I only had to casually mention something for him to get it. He was controlling but I thought it came from wanting to look after me. Didn't like it if I ever had too much to drink. I remember after being ill once I had a packet of sweets and he took them off me and someone I used to be friends with said jokingly he was a good husband. But he was always doing stuff like that. Don't eat that, don't drink that. I got drunk once when I was about 19 and lit a cigarette up and he went mad - hypocritical as he used to be an occasional social smoker. But I think on some level it made me feel safe.

OP posts: