How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

I don't think he sees it as breaking the law in any way, I really don't.

Think about it like this. If you leave and report him he may be pushed to find help for whatever his problems are.
But you are not his mother, and you have to protect yourself and the children.

I'm really sorry OP but I don't understand why you are protecting such an animal. I'm sorry to sound cruel but he has treated you in a way that no person should ever be allowed to but you don't want him punished.

Oh, come on. He knows enough about the law, I'm sure.

You know he'll deny it, rather than admit to it, which is what he'd do if he thought it was ok.

What will happen, if I go to the police and say on any number of occasions over the past nearly two decades I have had sex forced on me, surely I need some proof.

You will not be the first one to complain about a similar thing.

They will have to treat you seriously and refer you to a specialist police unit.

Rape crisis and Women's Aid will probably be able to give more specific advice, but these days the police and the courts are more prepared for such cases.

Cherry, I understand that you love your husband. But he is treating you with violence and contempt.

He may be damaged and I understand that you want to help him but what about your children? You have to choose. Either you sacrifice your children's physical and mental well being by staying with this abusive man, or you prioritise them, keep them safe and call women's aid.

You can try and protect them all you like but he IS damaging them by damaging you. Please help them to escape this cycle of abuse - don't let this be their normality.

You wouldn't need proof and the police will have unfortunately heard so many similar cases

They'd arrest him on my say so?

www.gov.uk/report-domestic-abuse
Lots of helpful information

In this situation I would get yourself and your children to a refuge before you contact police.

His violence may very well escalate.

And if he's bailed you'll need a non-mol order which he might breach and maybe an occupation order etc - it's potentially very stressful.

So, get yourselves well away from him first. WA will help you get out.

No, he won't, he's not that violent, honestly.

What happens if you say no to sex?

OP he is violent he has just been careful.

Hitting, shoving, hitting things near you, rape - that is domestic violence.

Emotional abuse alone can escalate to physical abuse with no previous history of violence. This man has a history of violence.

Any flashpoint in an abusive relationship is a trigger for escalation - report for rape cannot fail to be a flashpoint.

In an Australian study I first read of on here, 50% of women killed by their partners had prior history of violence, but not necessarily severe violence. That of course means the other 50% had no previous history of violence.

The most important thing is that you keep you and your children safe.

It's like I've not said no. He just carries on, pulls my knickers down, I pull them up, he pulls them down again. Hands everywhere. Most of the time I just give up saying no. It doesn't take him long when he's in that sort of mood.

OP, I work with Rape Crisis and I genuinely think they could help you. Please give them a call. There are organisations that you can report the rapes to and who will collect your evidence, but not disclose to the police unless you say so (SARCs here in Oxfordshire). Please think about getting out and making contact with those who can help you.

That's helpful. Thank you. I appreciate that, I know it may seem so weird to some of you but DH is the only one who has ever loved me really.

But what if you shout no and get yourself out, or hit him to stop?

Not that you have to do any of that. Not stopping after you said no, and when you clearly don't want it, is violent enough.

Rape is considered a very serious crime. It may be your husband, but he is a criminal.

Oh, cherry, he doesn't love you.

That is not love at all.

If I shout no, he just ignores it, or says that I do want it.

He does, in a strange strange way, he does, he has to.

I understand that's how you process it in your head and deal with it, but those are not the actions of a man who loves you. At all.

What he does is to exercise his power over you. It's not love. Or sexual desire.

But then does that mean there's something wrong with me, that means I'm basically unloveable? Sorry I know how pathetic and whiny that sounds!

I don't think a man who does that is capable of love.

They can charm, they can mimic loving actions. But the reality of the shoving, hitting, forcing etc are all things someone does who lacks empathy and sympathy. To him the relationship is about control. Who exerts the most control is the winner. That is not the balance of love.

You may have feelings you think are love, but are probably a desire to see him as loving you because you don't want to face the reality. You may also feel that you need to show him love in order for him to be kinder, nicer or more loving towards you. To appease him.

This process of realisation of who he is and what your relationship is takes a long time. Longer the longer you've been together. Take it all step by step. Don't let on to him what you're thinking at any point. Protect your internet searches etc.

He was so loving when we first got together and for so many years.