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Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/12/2016 16:18

Please ring the police asap ! Animals like him need to be kept away from you and your DC's.

Lweji · 15/12/2016 16:19

You may also want to try Rape Crisis.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 16:54

I can't call the police. I really really can't.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 15/12/2016 17:21

What if he hospitalises you Cherry? What if next time he goes too far? What if he doesn't mean to, but he hits you and you fall. Then he has sole care of the children.

Two women a week are killed in this country by their partners, don't be one of them. Leave now.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 17:24

He wouldn't, honestly, it's not that sort of hitting. I was probably exaggerating a bit.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 15/12/2016 17:29

I'm sure that none of those women thought their partners would either. Like I said, it might not even be intentional. He pushes you and you fall. It's perfectly possible to kill someone with one hit.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/12/2016 17:32

No, you weren't exaggerating. I would bet you were minimising, if anything. But it's OK to feel a bit overwhelmed by the comments you are getting.

DeepanKrispanEven · 15/12/2016 17:41

OP, hitting is hitting. Even one hit is unacceptable.

And he's raping you, repeatedly. You weren't exaggerating that.

RestlessTraveller · 15/12/2016 17:49

Cherry it might help you to understand what's going on in your head and why you are so relunctant to report him. You are suffering from trauma bonds (it's what we used to call Stockholm Syndrome) that's why you want to protect him. The trauma bonds are affecting your amygdala. This is the part of your brain that makes the decision most people know as 'fight or flight'. But fight or flight aren't the only two choices, another one is 'friend'. This means that in an emergency situation, him hitting or raping you, you try to placate him. Then you go on trying to placate him in the hope
It will stop other attacks. It's very difficult to illicit another response from your amygdala once it's chosen. You should really find someone in real life to tell and they can work with you to realise that you really need to leave.

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2016 17:50

You are not responsible for his actions, his actions should mean he is arrested and charged, not yours. It would not be you that ruins him it will be you. You love him but do you, or do you love the him you wished he was (or hope he could be) rather than who he is. You have not caused it he has

Parker231 · 15/12/2016 18:00

Cherry - would it help if you explain why you don't want the police involved? This unfortunately is something the police will be use to and they will know how to keep you all safe and you'll have the opportunity to build a new, safe and happy life for yourself and your DC's.

myoriginal3 · 15/12/2016 18:11

Parker, I'm guessing he works in law enforcement or law or the army.

nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 18:40

Just a thought Cherry. There have been so many court cases over the past few years involving allegations of sexual abuse/harassment against high profile figures. Many never came forward for fear of being called a liar. The abusers counted on their outward persona and reputation to protect themselves. The abused were believed, the reputations ultimately didn't protect the abusers. Many of them are rightly now in prison.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 18:46

Restless, thanks. I've read about trauma bonding before and a lot of it makes sense. I don't know who I'd speak to in real life though

DH isn't in law enforcement, his job does need a clean DBS though.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/12/2016 19:05

Doesn't sound like he deserves a clean DBS - - if I was his employer I would want to know about the type of person I was employing! OP - please get in contact with the police asap. In an ideal world you would be safely away from him by Christmas.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 19:07

I can't bring myself to do that.

I just can't, I know I'm too weak. It breaks my heart to think of him being arrested, and I don't even think he would be.

OP posts:
balence49 · 15/12/2016 19:20

Maybe if you can't/ don't feel ready to do the police. If you have money, do you have access to it, can you spend what you want ? Is he controlling with finances. Or could you start stashing money, then when you have a lump maybe you can feel better about being in a position to leave out of the blue and go far away.

balence49 · 15/12/2016 19:21

I'm not suggesting you stay there by the way. I think you need to run and shout it from the rooftops to anyone who will listen.... but you seem to want other options

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 19:30

It's just, if I leave, in a way, that gives him more control.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 19:32

What part of your heart would break if he was arrested?

I'm guessing the part that remembers the man you first met, the good times, the fact he's your dc's father. Nobody is awful the whole time, if they were these men would never meet anybody. But a large part of him is awful - controlling, sexually abusive, physically intimidating, and no doubt much else. Do you think his heart breaks when he sees you trying to keep your underwear on to stop him forcing himself on you? What do you think he thinks about you at that moment? Love, respect, fondness, kindness. No, you're just an object for him to use.

You are not weak, not at all. You're scared, quite justifiably so. Look at how strong you actually are. Keeping up a front to protect your dc, having to second guess him to keep yourself safe, living your life at the same time. He's the one who's weak. He needs to assert his control over another person to be able to live his life. You don't, because you're stronger and better than him.

Parker231 · 15/12/2016 19:33

If you left he would loose all control over you - you would be calling the shots.

Parker231 · 15/12/2016 19:34

How old are your DC's - are they aware of what type of person their father is?

nicenewdusters · 15/12/2016 19:35

Why would leaving give him more control? It's the ultimate in taking control. You are saying I know my worth, and it's more than living this life with you.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 15/12/2016 19:39

Demanding access to the children mainly. And I know I'm weak but I always have been where he's concerned. I love him so, so much, still. And I don't think he's bad. Damaged, maybe, but not bad.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/12/2016 19:39

his job does need a clean DBS though.

He doesn't care enough to treat you properly, though.

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