How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

The thing was, it wasn't what you wanted, was it?

And did you choose them and presented them to you or did you have a choice?

I think he's done a knight in a shinning armour on you. Except he was like Prince Charming on Shrek.

This state of mind is natural. It's how you don't go mad at him and survive in this relationship. But it's also what's keeping you there.

Ups, on the previous post I meant:
Did he choose and present them to you?

Sounds like you were vunrable and he homed in on that, is he quite a bit older than you? You probably saw him as a protector as he was doing what your dad should have been doing, looking after you, buying you the things you needed.

What wasn't what I wanted, sorry? The clothes? They were. I needed them! I literally had hardly anything. And I chose them, I mean, he went with me. It was weird, as I was in Paperchase earlier buying a few last minute bits for DS and it was where New Look was years ago and I got a real deja Vu (is that the right term?) to that trip. I know it sounds stupid. I don't even know why I'm going on about it, as it's just making it sound like I want to stay because I got nice clothes, and honestly, that's not what I mean. Maybe it was more feeling like I was being looked after a bit.

I meant he went over the top even though you told him you only needed a few.
It is indeed kind, but in a parenting way, yes.
Were you living together then? How long had you been together?

Not properly living together. My dad had left, pretty much, so I was on my own a lot. I didn't like it and I used to stay at his a lot.

I'm not sure how long we'd been together as I'm not sure what point we became partners as opposed to something else. I'd probably been sleeping with him for about six months but he hates it if I ever told anyone we even knew each other before I was 18.

I feel like my identity is so mixed up with his, to a large extent.

It's called grooming.

It's not, honestly, he's not like that.

He is. He really is.
It might not be a conscious thing in him, but he made you grateful, dependent and child like in relation to him. It meant that he could exert his power over you, as he does now.

I honestly think back then, at least, he just wanted to be kind and make me feel happy. I'm not saying there isn't another more sinister side to him but I do think if I attribute ulterior motives to every loving act - I don't know

I know it's puke worthy but I do feel safe when he's around.

But I do know what you mean

I know there was ultimately a reason he "chose" me and not a girl/woman his own age or even one my age who'd have stood up to him. Yet sometimes I do. I don't know, maybe I'm just not very good at it!

His kindness in those early days made sure you became dependent on him. He made you need him. Then he could do what he wanted to you, take what he wanted whenever he wanted, and by then you felt like you needed him, so you stayed. He trained you. Took advantage of your youthful neediness. That isn't actually genuine kindness. Call it manipulation, call it grooming, he has you for his own purposes and he's made sure it stays that way. All he has to do is laugh at you, or show disapproval.,.if you get out of line and start objecting...and he can just put you back in your place.

It's time to grow up and save yourself and your dcs. Your husband should be behind bars for a long and sustained campaign of abuse and assault and rape.

Fucking, fucking hell

Please get some help and get this nasty piece of work out of your life.

I just feel like sobbing. Are people really saying this was his aim from the start? That he saw me, and didn't think I was funny or pretty or clever, just saw someone he could spunk all over whenever he felt like it?

I can't believe that, I can't.

I don't think people are saying that at all.

He obviously thought you were pretty, he was attracted to you, the fact you were vunrable made it easier for him to make a move on you and take advantage.

No one here telling knows your situation, we don't know you or your partner but some of the things you have told us are worrying, he sounds forceful, he sounds emotionally abusive and you obviously feel uncomfortable with his behaviour.

That's a harsh perpective. He chose you for a lot of reasons, but he wouldn't have chosen a woman who was able to see through him and challenge him. That doesn't make it your fault, or you unworthy of better. It just means he wants a subservient mate, nit an equal partner, and at that time you weren't able to see it. He groomed you into this position, and taught you to accept it. People like him are skilled at making the world work for them. Don't feel it was you.

Your vulnerability was part of the package.
I don't think he meant it in an evil way. But I think he needs control in a relationship and he got it with you, as well as the other stuff.
I'd say he wasn't looking for an equal or a soul mate. Sorry.

I can accept that, that he enjoyed the power, but don't we all have different things that draw us to people? I mean, playing devils advocate, couldn't you just as easily claim I wasn't looking for an equal either?

I think that him bring kind makes him happy because he can see a result of his actions. Not necessarily because he empathises or wants to see you happy. It needs go be him making you happy, not you being happy through other means.

Yes, you needed a dad and to be cared for and protected then.
You were too young for this relationship.

But then it's all been a lie, in that case.

Isn't it possible that you can sort of find a quality in someone and drag it out and make it worse? Like I made his liking of power worse.

You didn't "make " him worse.

But you give in to him so he is able to continue what he wants when he wants.

Read more about abusive personalities. Do the freedom programme online.
Talk to a counsellor find out who you are.

I'm no one, is who I am.

As long as you think that way you'll continue going in a perpetual loop. You are stuck between two beliefs (it's called cognative dissonance) YOU have the power to break the cycle.

You are a mother

You are an intelligent human being

You are BETTER than this

You can NOT fix him, you'll break yourself trying...

I'm not always this wimpy, honestly ... but right now I feel everything I've loved and cared about it just a big lie. And that makes me question ME. Like I think of my friends with lovely partners and strong bonds they ha e and I don't have that and I wonder why, what's wrong, what's different about me?