How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

That's why an exit, when he's not there, an exit with no forewarning (to him), for you and your DC with the pre-arranged help of Women's Aid (even if you only give WA 30 minutes notice or you walk straight in to their office with the kids in tow just on the spur of the moment), would be your best option - or so it seems from what I'm reading and certainly in the light of your having spoken to him to say that you don't think there's mileage in the relationship which indicates to him you could possibly be thinking of leaving.

Take your DC and run - that's what I just want to scream out to you. And do it very quickly.

Not least before he has time to wear you down and confuse you and make you question your logic and reasoning. He's immediately gone to threatening and nasty; he'll likely switch to sweetness and light and give you more of the confusing and damaging double-edged 'compliments' that you are already aware he gives which give you a boost and a mental smackdown all at the same time, by which time you won't know which way is up and you'll be stuck in a worsening situation.

Ypur ds is 9. His views will be taken into account but wont be deciding factor.
Starting point in normal situation would be 50 50 time with each parent. ..but if you show your h is a bulllying rapist could be less... but you aren't there yet. When /if your dc speak freely to a third party their views may be different to what your h thinks. ..

Please be careful.
Christmas is a difficult time. .will anyone else be around you ?
Keep a charged mobile on you
Don't be afraid to go out and call 999. Anytime..... he has an idea you may leave now so it is very dangerous for you.
Don't tell him any more.
Speak to women's aid.

Hope you're okay cherry xxx

OP thinking you are identifiable to friends and family on random chat threads is usually paranoia but if your husband knows you are on MN it would not be difficult at all for him to find this thread. Do be careful. You may fully believe you are safe from physical violence - and maybe you are right. But your husband having access to your thoughts, your insecurities, to the advice you are getting - could be very risky to you emotionally and mentally.

I don't know Lweji. I think at first, I believed it was how relationships were. I thought that you had to offer your partner sex. It didn't really occur to me to even say no at that time. If I ever wasn't in the mood I'd just tolerate it. If he did something I didn't like and I said no and he carried on it was easier to let him get on with it as to struggle just prolonged it. Then when we had children I was really never in the mood throughout pregnancy, and he was respectful of that (he's always been so, so lovely when I'm pregnant) then after giving birth, a few weeks later he started again and he pointed out how long it had been which made me feel bad so I just gave in. These days he paws at me a lot and I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but he definitely prefers it when I a size 10 to a size 14 (my weight varies) and I've really struggled to lose weight and I don't know if subconsciously I'm keeping myself away from him. The thing with sex with him is you never know, you never get any warning or asking if he wants to do something, he just does it.

Op do you never feel like your body belongs to you? This makes me so sad to think he has taken away ownership of your body from you? You can take it back you know, you absolutely can & you must. Use MN for support initially .

There's no such thing as "not really" hitting, there's just hitting - and you clearly felt he was hitting you when you started this thread. In any event, forcing you into sex is violent in itself.

Have you ever at any point pushed him away or screamed or hurt him for him to let go of you?
Not saying it's a good idea. Just to understand how he reacts.

I think you don't because you know he'd hurt you, like he did "playdully".
Repealing him more forcefully would also possibly make it into a more proper rape in your mind, and it's understandable that you've never wanted to think of it like that.

Morning Cherry, I'm glad you're still talking to us. After that conversation, I'd be looking out for changes in his strategy, like specifically manipulating DS or telling the DC more often negative things about you. He preys on your vulnerability.
His reaction to what you said is not the normal reaction of a loving partner to being told their partner is not happy in their relationship.
Pollyanna's advice is good and worth holding on to.
Take care Cherry.

Hi Cherry,

I've read a lot of this thread and your situation resonates with mine.

I met my stbxh at 18 and he was sexually and emotionally abusive. He shoved me around a bit and was moderately controlling.

The thing is, we had the 'perfect' family life and I didn't leave for a lot of the reasons you've outlined.

It was a fuck up but, as you've explained, trying to divorce this aresehole felt like a bigger cluster fuck.

He left me about 18 months ago for a younger woman. He took me to court for 50-50 shared care which he didn't get and now I'm fighting him for a fair financial settlement.

I won't lie - it's been a nightmare but my children have been amazing.

If he hadn't left me, I'd probably still be with him. That terrifies me.

While going through all this I came across Lundy Bancroft and I read Parent as Batterer 2. It was incredibly helpful about how to deal with abusive partners during litigation.

It also acknowledges that the reason a lot of women stay in these situations is to protect the children and that this is a completely understandable choice. Proving domestic violence is very difficult and these men are manipulative and entitled. They can and do manipulate the courts and the children and for many women, staying put feels like the best way to protect their children.

In a perfect world, victims of domestic violence would leave and be supported by the family court system. It's not a perfect world. The minimising of my stbxh's appalling behaviour towards me beggared belief. The Cafcass officer was wonderful but the general consensus was that the courts wanted us to put our differences aside 'for the sake of the children'.

Oh and he accused me of abusing him.

I don't think there are any easy answers Cherry. Stay on mumsnet and read this website lundybancroft.com/articles/

Strategise and think carefully about how you can get you and your children out safely.

Well done for being truthful about the situation you're in. Denial is a much cosier place!

Oh and I'm still in the family home with all three children. Two won't see him and the third does EOW and one evening a week (their choice). I think it's empowered the kids because he knows that if he starts smacking and shouting, they will refuse to go and the courts can't make them ( this didn't happen overnight and I always complied absolutely with the court's decisions but the court directs the parents NOT the children). This means he behaves himself. DV thrives because no one is held accountable. The separation has given him accountability.

Also, the separation means that the kids have somewhere else they can go to now which they didn't have when we were together.

My kids are older though...

We were together over 20 years.

Running, I really appreciate your posts. At one point in the thread I did feel some posters were calling me weak and hating me, because of the circumstances. Your post makes me feel I am maybe not the problem.

Lweji still so grateful for your posts! If I screamed no or hit at him, it depends. Sometimes I think he'd laugh. Or (hard to explain) hold me down until I had "calmed down." In other words given up.

norma hard to say really, if I felt my body ever belonged to me. Probably not but at the same time, yes. I've never cared about sex, that much. There are times I've felt like it and other times not so much. But because I've never cared much, ive never cared about saying no either.

Sorry for the graphic detail -'there are some things I won't do which makes me think maybe my body does belong to me, I won't do anal, he has tried to persuade me, but never tried to force me. If he did I'd go, no questions asked, I would GO. I guess this makes me understand how some of you feel reading this, that being forced anally evokes the same sort of reactions in me some of you would probably feel when he forces it vaginally. If I perform oral on him I won't let him pin my arms or wrists down because he pushes his penis too far into me and it makes me sick. But for some reason, when he just wants "normal" sex and I don't, it feels annoying but not important. I don't know why. I just wait for it to be over. The longer I struggle the longer it takes. So it's best not to argue.

Deepan, when I say he doesn't 'really' hit, it's like Lweji said earlier in the thread. He will smack me hard on the backside, and it's done on purpose. He shoved me out of the kitchen yesterday and smacked my bottom on the way out and it wasn't "serious", it was a joke, but at the same time he was pissed off with me and he was pretending it was a joke. I've not explained that well at all I know. To be fair, that didn't really hurt but obviously that was over jeans, if he'd taken my pants down it would have really stung.

I do really appreciate all you've all said.

well, I'm not going to stand in your way if you're sure that's what you want, but you do know DS will want to live with me, don't you?

Might be hard if you're in prison for rape

Cherry, your last post shows you realise you have different limits to other people and that's fine. We all have different boundaries and will tolerate different things, because we're all different.

It doesn't change the fact that what he is doing to you is wrong. His behaviour is sometimes unkind, sometimes cruel and sometimes illegal. It's all different shades of wrong, no matter what you choose to tolerate.

I'm not saying that to make you feel worse. I'm saying that so you know it's him, not you. If he wasn't doing this to you, he'd be doing it to someone else.

Your not weak, it's bloody hard to walk out, my partner had only been living with me for a year, we don't have DC together, I should have chucked him out when he first raped me, it wasn't until he cheated on me that I was any enough to kick him out, I had put up with all the other stuff because he had brained washed me with his kindness and his lies.

Today isn't a good day for me. I received yet another message (whatsapp this time) at 6am so not a great start to the day, again I reported it but was made to feel like I was wasting police time, they have not sent anyone out and they haven't approached him.
I'm at home alone now with my dc's, doors locked, windows shut, the wind keeps making the letter box flap which is making me jump. I have been out but I'm looking for his car all the time. The police don't seem to realise that I feel like a prisoner in my own home, that I'm scared to go out. My dd1 doesn't realise why I can't leave her at home alone (she's 13) and why I can't leave her in the car whilst I pop into a shop.

I'm sorry things are bad, lovemusic.

I had a dream about DH last night, about how he was to start with. In a way I wish I could see him through my old eyes again.

Cherry, those dreams are thoughts I. Your head, I think many woman do stay in hope they can see them like they were before they started being abusive.

I have just had more messages from my ex, begging me to talk to him, telling me he hasn't cheated on me, I feel sick as I have seen the evedence and no excuse can cover it up, I found 2 different chats, 2 different woman, he had sent photos of himself, they had sent photos and they had arranged to meet, he had talked about his children etc..., there's no way he can say he sent those messages for someone else. He's trying to mess with my head. Funny how he's trying to deny cheating but at no point has he tried to deny the fact he raped me and sexually assaulted me ( apart from to the police of course ).

Really feel for you, Lovemusic. Stay strong and keep safe.

It's the little things that are getting to me.

When I started college I had hardly any clothes. I'd left school, and my dad was barely in touch at that point and he wasn't stingy but didn't get stuff like that, and I cried to DH (obviously he wasn't DH then!) about it and he insisted on buying me a load of stuff. I don't mean that in a gold digger kind of way. It's just I remember him being so KIND then, and understanding.

Cherry, my partner was very kind, he helped me with my dc's, bought me flowers every week, treated me like a princess.

I'm locked in my house, police have called me and they are likely to come and take another statement from me tonight, ex has been messaging me on and off for a few hours. A part of me wanted to believe what he was saying but the other part of me is so angry because he's just telling me more and more lies.

Those little things should pale when you think of them as casting a net.
Too much, really, which is usually considered a red flag.
And him doing something instead of your dad.
How did that shopping trip go? Did he give you the money? Did he buy them for you? Did he give an opinion on the clothes?

He bought them for me. I remember it, as i kept saying that just a pair of jeans and a couple of shirts would do (I literally had nothing, as before that I'd worn my school uniform and had a ratty old pair of jeans and a jacket and a couple of shapeless t shirts I'd had since I was about 13 and felt really self conscious in front of all the 'cool girls'.) He just kept saying 'no, get more, get what you want.' And I couldn't thank him enough and I remember him laughing and just saying don't thank me, what else would I be spending it on.

I know it was a long long time ago but it made me so happy. Not the clothes, exactly. Something else. Can't explain it :)

Sorry for the stream of consciousness by the way. My heads been bursting all day. I don't know why but it's like I can barely remember anything bad he's done (although I know he has) for some reason all I can think of is how KIND he can be. surely someone who is as kind as he can be, isn't bad? I don't think he's bad. Damaged, maybe, but not bad?