How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

What happens when he's arrested?

Lovemusic well done - you've done such an incredible thing!

Has he been charged, or has he been released on pre-charge bail whilst they gather more evidence?

As that might affect how the breach of his bail is dealt with.

Lovemusic33

Big hug. Keep reporting him and keep an eye out. But don't let the fear rule your life.

I've been where you are now, with exH knocking on the door, screaming outside, ringing constantly, and my relatives, etc. It's hard, but it does get better.

What happens when they are arrested? Mine never was, but he was charged and found guilty with a suspended sentence because he had calmed down in the previous year (it took that long...).
But he had never raped me.
Cherry, I'd talk to the local police DV unit and ask them what happens and how they can help you.

I (stupidly) indicated to him last night that I didn't think things were salvageable.

Oh dear. What was his reaction?

Cherry how did he react?

Are you ok?

I'm okay. I don't really know what to put as I think he may just have found this. Maybe I'm being paranoid.

There is a somewhat safe space within MN.
And you could set up a secure email for registering under a new name.

In any case, stay safe.

Great insight Bertie

I think he's recognised my story, if he has read this that is. He knows I post here, he could easily have recognised himself.

I hope you are OK cherry - don't put yourself in danger.

Stop posting. You are unsafe.

Hope you're OK cherry.

I'm okay.

Lulu, he was released on bale pending inquiries. I am on the phone to the police for the 2nd time today, this time he messaged me directly, they probably won't do anything but at least it will be logged if this gets to court. I feel a bit stronger today, I have kept busy, my family have been amazing ( my dad took me out today for the first time since I was a child ). It's been a busy day, trying to sort out housing benefit and other things as well as making phone calls. I am dreading Christmas and I'm worried about what the new year will bring, I usually feel low after Christmas so am expecting to feel totally shit. I start training for a new job in 2 weeks time, a new start, a new chapter but this will still drag on.

Glad you are ok Cherry, it's very hard to talk about things as it makes you realise how real it is , it isn't easy leaving but it's the right thing to do for your children and you. People keep telling me I am strong but I don't feel it at all, a small part of me wants him back but I know I can't, I can't risk my children and I'm worth more than that.

Lovemusic that makes sense - keep logging everytime he contacts you. It will all build up quite a picture, and if he's charged and proves he can't abide by police bail conditions, he may be remanded - but please don't pin hopes on that, it's only a slim possibility I'm afraid. Make sure you never reply to any of his messages, and if he turns up or you feel threatened make sure you phone 999. I'm at the other end of this process so if you have any questions or just want to talk, please feel free to private message me (I can't write specific details here as it's a public forum)

I know neither you or cherry feel very strong - and that's okay. You don't have to feel strong to be strong, it's a strength that's inside of you ever minute of everyday whether you feel it there or not. You are both incredibly strong - you're both still here.

I said last night I didn't know if I wanted to stay married to him.

He was quiet then said "well, I'm not going to stand in your way if you're sure that's what you want, but you do know DS will want to live with me, don't you?"

I said "what makes you so sure of that" and he snorted and said 'might have something to do with the fact I bother to parent him'. I said it was comments like that which made me not want to be married to him. He said 'fair point'. I asked him when he was going to stop going on about me being a bad mum when DS was a baby, and pointed out to him I have been more than adequate with the others. He said 'well it's up to you IF it's what you want? But is it? Or have you been listening to little girlies online again?' That's what made me think he might have been looking at my posts.

I'm fine though. I wouldn't be scared of him, ever, really and truly, he isn't violent or scary.

how on earth does he think you have been a bad mother. How ridiculous. Him saying you have not been adequate is just vile.

Well if he is reading this then he will know what a vile, abusive rapist he is. And if reported he could be removed from his children and you permanently. How dare he think he can bully you with the thought that he will now take DC away from you. He is even worse than I thought. Predictable though tbh.

I was a bit rubbish with the first one. I used to go upstairs and sleep and leave the baby downstairs, DH came in once and the baby had a dirty nappy and was crying. But it was nine years ago!

We were all a bit crap at one time or another. I'd say all of us still are a bit crap sometimes. The difference is we don't have someone undermining us.

He isn't happy about you leaving at all. He used emotional blackmail using your child.
The thing is you won't be giving your child the option of staying with him, an abuser. So, that's an empty threat anyway. But be prepared for him to step up criticism of you and manipulate your child against you. Just in case.

Please keep in mind that I wasn't particularly scared of exH until he actually started being violent.

Cherry, my partner was never violent but then again isn't rape violent? My partner would pull my pants down whilst I was pulling them up, he would even come into the kitchen when I was cooking and just pull my pants down or remove my bra, he thought it was a game but it made me feel very uncomfortable, once I was running a bath, I bent over to turn in the taps and he grabbed me from behind and I had to fight him off. He never hit me, never chucked anything at me but he thought he had free access to my body. I'm not scared of him getting violent with me, I am scared of him controlling me, turning up at my house and causing a scene, scaring my children. When I found out he was cheating and finally had to kick him out, I had to make a good example to my daughters, I don't want them growing up thinking that this kind of relationship is normal, they saw me at my lowest point, the last year I took various med's as I felt almost suicidal.
I hope that they now see that I'm strong and that you don't have to put up with that kind of shit from anyone.

I was thinking on the way back from Tesco , would he stop if I screamed and cried? Probably ... I just say 'no,no' and he does the pulling my pants down, I pull them up, he pulls them down. He doesn't hit, not really.

Lweji what do I do if DS just refuses to come with me, or insists on going with DH?

Why don't you scream and cry?

It's up to you if he even gets a chance of having your eldest stay with him. If you report him, the chances of that happening get very low.