How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Jiggly, honestly, I don't think he'd hit the children as in serious physical abuse. Smack on the leg/bottom, yes. I am more concerned/scared of the emotional side. Him saying things about me, him twisting things. Making them hate me basically. That's what I am scared of. That's what keeps me here.

I don't think it is a criticism when you say it like that alpha. But I'm not worthy of love.

Wait, he's hitting your children?

Why do you believe you aren't worthy of love? (Asking a direct question not to criticise but to help you explore your thoughts and beliefs that are keeping you trapped.)

In response to your response to jiggly - children are very clever and insightful. My mum used to try and slag off my dad when he left, and try and get me to agree with her that he was a bad father. But it made me more protective towards my dad as I knew he loved me and I resented her more for trying to turn me against him.

but I get told at least once a week that I am stupid, irresponsible, bad parent, bad person, childish, over-dramatic

Oh cherry so so sorry that you think anyone in here thinks you're a bad or irresponsible parent.

YOU are not the damaging irresponbsible bad parent. Your coercive controlling, financially abusive, violent raping husband is the damaging bad parent.

There's a subtle difference between asking you to think about the damage to your children of remaining in the marriage long-term, and accusing you of being the damaging bad parent.

It's your husband's behaviour which is damaging.

I'm sorry you find my posts critical - I'll bow out now. But I wish you strength and good fortune.

No, Restless, that's the opposite of what I said! That link really doesn't work, by the way.

Alpha, I suppose because no one ever has. Someone loving me - really loving me, properly, is as alien to me as winning the lottery or going into space might be to you. It's something you know is technically possible but you don't see it ever happening to you.

Tulip, I'm sorry if I've been a bit over sensitive. I do see what you mean.

Cherry you said Smack on the leg/bottom, yes.

(If you copy and paste it into your browser and search it will come up.)

I can't.

I said he would possibly do that, not that he does.

I totally get that. I don't subscribe to the hierarchy of abuse where physical violence is at the very top anyway. I'm sure your husband, with his public image to protect, wouldn't actually hurt your children physically enough to leave marks. He's far too clever for that.

Right now, because they're young, you're able to protect them. But that will become increasingly difficult as they get older. They will also try and stand up to him themselves where you will put yourself in the position of 'taking one for the team' - where you will encourage him to attack you instead of one of your children. Is that what your mum did? Or didn't she bother?

There is no way to win this if you stay. You can't negotiate or try different tactics to make it better. They will just have slightly different outcomes but none of them are good.

Have you have a look for a local DV service you can call tomorrow?

Sorry I misunderstood you.

Do you mean you can't copy and paste it?

I am more concerned/scared of the emotional side. Him saying things about me, him twisting things. Making them hate me basically. That's what I am scared of.

When I left my XP, he did all of the above. He used every available opportunity to turn my DC against me, by telling them blatant lies about me. For a few years, one of my children believed him, but then, thank goodness, my DC grew up. Quite recently, my oldest child actually thanked me for leaving her father.

I spent many years wondering whether I was selfish to leave him but I know deep down (and I've always known) it was the right thing to do for the sake of my children.

Now, as young adults, they see things more clearly. They know the truth: he didn't treat me (or them) well. They believe me. And that means the world to me.

You've said you're not confident about your ability to parent well. I was exactly the same. Please believe me when I say that the only reason you're questioning yourself is because your husband has made you feel inadequate as a parent. Have faith in your mothering skills. Your children need you to take control of this awful situation and protect them. You can do it.

I have absolutely no doubt that your children love you. You said your daughter is 3? I bet you are her absolute world.

It sounds like you've had a really shitty childhood. But that's your parents' fault, not yours. And since then you've never had the opportunity to experience real love in a relationship. You've been with this man your entire adult life. I didn't have a clue who I was when I was 16, I was a child and at 29 I'm a completely different person now. But you've never had the chance to find out who you are, and you've never had the chance to find real love. It's almost like you've been held prisoner for the last 18 years. Love isn't rare or impossible, you've just never been free to find it.

jiggly, no, my mum wasn't like that at all. My dad was mostly okay when I was younger. It was my mum who was difficult. I don't think he'd attack the children. Honestly he just wouldn't. I mean, he doesn't really attack me. I still think I might have (accidentally) exaggerated a bit.

restless yeah I'm on a tablet.

TeaFairy thank you. X

She loves me now alpha it's more as she grows, and realises how crap I actually am!

If you leave, it may take her years to understand what's happened in her life and why, but when she does she will love you all the more for rescuing her.

The younger she is when you leave, the less damaged she will be. When you're living in a situation that you can't see a way out of, it's so difficult to imagine a future that's different to your present, but it will be fine. Small steps. You are not crap in any sense. You are worn down by years of being belittled and bullied. It takes its toll.

Reading this thread reminds me of how I felt when I was struggling to find the courage to leave, years ago. I wish I'd had Mumsnet to help me then.

I am willing you to find the strength to make plans to leave.

Ok. Type 'safelives dash' into your browser and search.

Thanks x

Ah but that's the thing isn't it. Your children may be the only people in this world who truly love you right now, I'm not going to patronise you by saying it's not true. But you get to shape how they see you. You can be the brave, strong, lioness mother who has protected them from a manipulative and controlling man (and the older they get, the more they will see right through him, trust me) and make them proud. Or you can be the person who enables them to remain stuck in a house seething with tension, constantly walking on eggshells (and thats the best case scenario), who they just want to get away from as soon as they can to escape all the bad memories.

As I've said before, you breaking free isn't something that can or will happen overnight. But I believe these are the most likely long term outcomes, based on mine and others experiences of growing up in this sort of environment.

You are a good mother, you are clearly desperate to protect them. The shit mothers are the ones who just don't care. You just need to keep challenging that voice in your head (his voice) that tells you you aren't good enough.

Also the thread has moved on a bit, but a while ago you were talking about friendships that you'd lost. I would really encourage you to send a Facebook message or text and reestablish those support networks.

I have a friend who was in an abusive marriage, and one day she completely disappeared off the radar. About a year later she got back in contact, saying that he had banned her from talking to anyone he didn't approve of and that she was trying to leave. I can imagine it was really difficult for her to work up the courage to send that message, but we were all just so thrilled that she was back in contact and we just wanted to support her. I bet your friends would feel the same way.

I don't think you've exaggerated. Unless you've totally made up some of the things you've written.

Everyone on this thread is supportive of you, even the harsh voices. But we're worried for you and your children and when you minimise and/or backtrack, it makes us worry more. I hope you understand why that is.

What do you want to happen next? Tell us how you'd like your life to be and let's see if we can't get you to that place.

Him saying things about me, him twisting things. Making them hate me basically.

My exH did this. Well, tried. It's the reason my son has refused to talk to him for the past 6 months or so. Even when I encouraged him to.

He knows exactly how crap I am and still loves me to bits.
Because I respect him and he can relax around me.

Thanks for the nice words
I've namechanged to write these posts as I really don't want anyone recognising me from my other posts and connecting the 2. I've grown up thinking that I don't deserve anything good. My self esteem is pretty much non existent and it's got me into some very bad situations in the past. I spent years being told that I was fat, useless, lazy, stupid, etc.

Oops, posted too soon.

Cherry, I really hope that you can find the courage to leave. I believe that you're stronger than you think. Your dc will thank you for being so brave.

Well, I can identify with all that, Alwaysknow

Lweji I don't know what it's like to love your mummy and be loved back. I wish I did. So I can't imagine how my children feel about me. Maybe how I felt about my dad, knowing he was flawed but still loving him through that, somehow? Not sure.

Jiggly what I want to happen - I don't know. Really I want to rewind time, go back to the first time I got told not to wear underwear he didn't approve of or a certain outfit. Not laugh when he hit me. Stood up for myself more.

As things are, I don't know. I can tell people don't think much of my parenting skills but I don't do that bad a job. I wish I could be more confident.

If it helps, my own mum had an abusive mother. Almost till she died, she treated my mother badly, but my mother is a good mother (with as many faults as she has) and she certainly loves her children and grandchildren.
I'm sure you too.:)

I hope so. I don't think I'm like my mum. She didn't like me much. I like my children. But she did do nice things for me. She'd lose it with me sometimes and scream at me and hit me and shake me. Then she'd tell everyone how naughty I was. But she did love me. So I get confused with what love is, I think. I never shout, or very very rarely, because I hated being shouted at, and I do try to listen.