How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

I'm not sure Lweji, I don't know how to find out either to be honest. I do work but I have to pay for nursery out of that which leaves me with nothing. Well, maybe £10 or so on a good day.

Silvery, thank you. That's an interesting way of putting it and I understand.

Striped and MissClarke, I just don't have the words to make you understand. I wish that I did. But making me feel like an idiot isn't helpful

I couldn't open it Restless I'm sorry.

Lionel it doesn't tally with my experience though.

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

About legal aid.

But any of that shouldn't stop you from leaving. Divorce is another matter.
And you'll probably find you you have more money available when you get benefits and child maintenance.

When you say it doesn't tally with your experience, what do you mean?

I think it's interesting that you respond so strong fly and negatively to people saying things about their own experience as children which you don't want to hear.

It's a pretty standard tenet of any kind of psychology that often we reject t or get angry about things, ideas or people that mirror our own anxieties.

No-one here is trying to make you feel like an idiot. People are offering you quite intimate evidence from their own experiences. When you Rene t some posts, what are you actually rejecting?

I suspect that your strongest rejections are of posts/mothers's experiences that are closest to your own unacknowledged fears and anxieties.

I know I learnt from therapy to listen to my strong reactions - negative as well as positive. My instinct emotions were trying to get through to my so-called rational brain.

reject some posts

Cherry, you said: " I grew up in a family where they couldn't look after me but because we were a nice middle class family no one intervened" and that you don't love your mum.

Do you not think you were damaged by that experience? It is precisely why you're in the situation you're in now.

I'm not angry. Or rejecting posts.

striped - that's an interesting take about looking at the stuff that you strongly react to.

Cherry - please don't stop questioning everything. You will get there. I posted years ago about my STBXH and being fed up of xyz. I had a poster reply who was really very rude but she did say, well if you're not going to do anything about it, then why post. I still feel unbelievably angry at her tone. I don't; think anyone on here has been as rude as she was. That was 7 years ago. That's along time. I didn't have half the amount of info back then as I do now. I kept gravitating back to the relationship boards and reading about abusive relationships. I didn't even realise I was reading about me, iyswim.

My point is, keep reading and questioning. look at what he does and says from a detached view. Write it down, like someone has suggested. Read it back to yourself later.

I am also from an abusive childhood. 'd'f was a bully and a narc, dm just took it all quietly. Has caused all 4 of us problems in adulthood. I'm NC with 'd'f now as are my siblings. And look at me, got myself into an abusive marriage, just in another guise. Culminated in him wrestling my phone off me, on top of me on the floor with the kids watching and screaming.

But this threads not even a week old and I'm getting a hard time because I haven't left yet.

I already feel I'm in this situation because I am both stupid and weak, so that's not helpful.

Take your time, think things through, find out info, make a plan - a hypothetical one for now. Keep safe though - and make a real plan for emergency exit, just in case.

I grew up in a similar situation and believe me it does have an effect on children. You are spending so much time and energy trying to please, keep the peace and manipulate , you don't think your children feel that?

I know how hard it is to get away, I have saw my mother struggle with it my whole life, what happens when your children are older and they begin to challenge him?

You stated this thread by saying that you wanted to keep all of you safe and that you were terrified to leave your children with him, don't lose sight of that

Oh my god guys, I think she needs to make her own decisions. Yes she knows all the stuff and she's got the info. Now what she needs is to build up her courage. We all know that we were there once, it all seems so was for others to say but so hard for us to Do!
Give her a break.

Thank you for saying that.

I have felt - just over the last couple of pages - criticised. It just makes me feel like a terrible parent who shouldn't have sole custody of the children in any case.

Not criticising, just offering a different point of view when you minimise the difficulties of the situation you're in.

It just makes me feel like a terrible parent who shouldn't have sole custody of the children in any case.

Another pattern of your posts I notice: you respond to comments as criticism, and have a very dramatic/black & white response. We all over-dramatise sometimes, but your posts reveal a pattern.

It's so sad to read: it's as if you've internalised the abuser.

And this is not a criticism: I'm simply feeding back to you what I read in your posts. Like all of us, we all bring our own stuff to interacting with others. But it's also interesting to hear how one's sayings (posts, conversations) sound to others.

Because they feel as if I am being criticised. But to be honest I now feel anything I say will be dramatic. It's fine. I'm happy.

You're happy?

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you

The only thing that is bad is believing you can control the situation and protect your children if you stay. You will be able to keep them safe if you leave.

No one is expecting you to leave today. Or even this week. But please start making plans.

The thing is, I'm honestly not trying to be an arse to anybody, but I get told at least once a week that I am stupid, irresponsible, bad parent, bad person, childish, over-dramatic (usually 'turn down the theatrics' with a scornful look) and thoughtless. Reading it on here as well, I'm now thinking he's probably right! And then I think I am lucky he's put up with me. So I do really appreciate your thoughts, even if they were hard to read.

Can't you see how that's emotionally abusive of him and a reason to get your kids out?

I think he's right tbh.

You may be some or all of those things. But that doesn't mean that it's okay to stay with him. He is an abusive rapist. You aren't.

Just to remind you of things you've said:
I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him
He doesn't hit the children, I don't let him. It's just without me there I think he would.

That is not okay. It's not okay for you and it's not okay for them. People are getting frustrated because you're picking and choosing what you respond to and because you're not acknowledging that the situation is harmful to your children. I am concerned for all of you but most of all for them. You're all victims but you have a degree of agency whereas they don't.

Shall we talk practicalities? What is your plan for this week?

I am moody, overdramatic and childish at times. I bet you are too. The difference is, my DH doesn't point out my flaws to me and criticise me. He's kind. He doesn't rape me. He doesn't control the finances. My flaws don't mean I don't deserve love.

You do seem to have a very black and white way of thinking, and I hope you don't see it is a criticism me saying this as I think it's an important thing for you to recognise before you can break free. You're not either a perfect mother or a bad mother, you're not either a perfect wife or a bad wife, you're not either a perfect person or a bad person. There are a million shades of grey in between.

You are worthy of love and happiness just the way you are.

Also bear in mind that as this thread goes on, there will be people getting annoyed at you that you haven't left yet. Ignore them, they don't get it. Don't let that stop you from getting the support you need from this thread. You have taken the first step, and no one reasonable expects you to turn your world upside down overnight. You can and will do this but it takes time