How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

I don't understand what you mean, I'm sorry?

This is why he isn't happy with you having a job or going out with friends. They'd tell you that behaviour is not normal. They'd ask you why you didn't simply get a new phone on your own.

You feel it's normal because that's your normal. You never developed into a full adult, as you're under the rule of your husband.
You'll be fine while you act like a child. If you started being an adult you'd get in danger and you know it.

Is that how you want your children to see their mother? They'll realise soon enough that you're not treated like an adult. If they aren't or don't become aware of the other aspects, as already pointed out.

I agree that it will probably take something big for you to leave. Either you won't put up with it as you used to and he'll become more violent or he'll harm the children or you'll find someone who treats you like an equal.
You don't have to wait for any of those, though. You can get out now and make life so much better for you and your children.

I said that because sometimes life finds a way of forcing us to deal with things we are avoiding.
I know a friend who was so run down in her abusive marriage that took the death of one of her close relatives for her to take action... and another that it only took another men to take interest on her to make her feel worthy ( even though she didn't have an affair).
Both of them think it's a shame they wasted so much time, but that's how it was...and both are much better now.

Do you feel that if you admit it upsets you you're realising it's wrong? That if you tell yourself it's okay then it really is? That it isn't a problem because you're able to live with it? That this life is bearable for you and to leave seems scary and daunting and uncertain?

Deep down you know that you still have to take action. Your children will become older and more aware of what's going on. I have lots of memories of my step father hurting and shouting at my mother. I used to creep out of bed and sit on the landing, my mother doesn't know that. I've never told her.

You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you, a fresh start with your children. Of course it's going to be scary, it's the unknown. But you need to begin building up the courage, getting things in place, leaving when you feel brave enough. That time will come. Better things are in this world for you.

I hope you are feeling strong today cherry

As you don't feel strong enough to leave him, how about taking steps to take some control back into your life. Decide that each week you will do one thing which you have made the decision about - it could be arranging a coffee with a friend, going to get your nails done, doing a class at the local gym. Little positive steps to gaining your confidence back and enjoying yourself.

I honestly, really don't want things to stay as they are and I think I've known on some level that for a long time. But it's hard confronting that knowledge head-on.

As ever, Lweji, you're absolutely right and it's true - I don't want my children to see me like that. I really, absolutely don't. (I'm not that young, by the way!)

But I'm worried about the wider implications of that.

I'm worried that I will have to explain and justify to the children why I took their dad away from them, as one day, they WILL ask and they should know, they deserve to know. I've played that conversation out a thousand times in my head and I don't know what I'd say.

I'm worried my children will never see a healthy relationship. I know some of you will say - but you'll meet someone else. I don't think I will. This is not catatrophising, there are many reasons for this.

I'm worried that after the initial euphoria I will realise all I've got is an empty and lonely life. No money. No real career (had to give that one up.) Only thing I'm really interested in incompatible with having a young family. I love my children, but I don't know if I'm a particularly good or effective parent. Other people seem to have more of a natural handle on it than me. I suppose what I'm really saying is, in ten years, when I have a nearly-20 year old (good grief!) and two preteens and they yell at me they hate me and want to live with their dad. What then?

I know it could be different but it could not be. Suppose my son has met some lovely girl with a normal family and she has grandparents and aunts and sisters and he says 'I prefer being here. My family isn't like this.'

Oh, dear!

You won't have to tell them everything. The financial control and emotional abuse should be enough for the children to understand why you needed to leave. When they are much older and if they learn about abuse, they may well reach conclusions about other stuff.

I really wouldn't advise you to try and regain control in the marriage. He will probably make it worse for you. But, you could certainly test the boundaries when you're starting to doubt yourself.

What I'd really advise, and as others have said, is to plan it bit by bit and put your escape plan in place. Then walk out when he least expects it.

And keep your online activity safe.

I've got the online thing pretty much covered I think.

Honestly, can you do as you did, find somewhere to go with the children, and forbid him any contact?

Solicitor will cost a fortune.

If my DD grows to be mouthy and fiesty and knowing her own mind I will be thrilled.

I'm sorry OP but that is absolutely not the right response. The lady who posted that post has been through years of emotional abuse at the hands of her father. Her mother could have left and saved her that.

I went through the same as a child and as a 30 year old in a stable relationship, I still break down emotionally at the hint of conflict.

It has actually made me furious that the bit about her knowing her own mind is ALL you took from that post. Stop trying to make this positive for your daughter. There is NOTHING positive coming from this for your daughter. Becoming feisty is a coping mechanism as a result of seeing your mother abused, NOT a perk of being a child in an abusive relationship!

Your story about the phone is bizarre too. You are trying to show us how well you handle him. What really happened is you had to creep around him to get something you needed. I don't think that's something to be proud of, he's a controlling twat.

Your relationship is not normal. Get out, save your daughter some emotional turmoil while you can. He is the one causing the emotional abuse, but you are the one defending it and making it okay.

I don't know how you can't make this about her and just get out for her benefit. The "being needy" thing needs to stop now too. You are not 16, you are a grown adult and a mother. Start behaving like a responsible adult and get out.

Hmm, maybe DH found me after all

No, just someone trying to help you realise.

I spent long years married to an EA cocklodger. Then, 4 years ago or so, I spent long hard months divorcing him (with much support from MN).

One thing I noticed since was that, in a weird way, following it all I missed the mental combat with him. (Thankfully there was no violence.) In a strange way, I had come to define myself relative to him, plus I am a fan of "get out of that" thrillers (Modesty Blaise) and was somehow incorporating that into my life. I may be wildly off, but wondered whether this might be a factor you might recognise?

I don't know. I don't know my own mind :) MissClarke I don't feel I said anything inappropriate to that poster, I'm sorry you feel I did. You might be interested to know I did search your name as your comment was so unkind I really did think it might have been my husband. It was clear from the context of my comment that you quoted out of context (another party trick of his) I was complimenting the poster not criticising her. I also said her post had been helpful and that I admired her, all of which you and anyone can see for yourselves.

I wasn't 'proud' of the phone story. I was using it as an example to show how I handle and manipulate him. When I share stories like that, posters like Lweji give me a different take on it. I will not properly be able to explain to you, you see a tiny snippet and you think you know. I read your post and I thought, I am an idiot, I need him. I can't cope without him, because no one likes me except him, that's how it feels when people berate me.

The friend I mentioned earlier in my pp decided she need to leave her Abusive exh 7 years before she did (ouch!!). That was when her younger sis died that not only she realised life is really too short, but also the dick ex didn't respect her grieving...
Anyway she moved out to rental accommodation with two teenagers that were blaming her for the divorce, for moving to small house, for the internet not being connected and everything under the sun. But that was temporary . They are now in their early 20s and have a great relationship with her - and realised how controlling their dad is.
She's now re married and very happy, but she'd advise anyone in this position to have a job and hold on to it. So maybe start from it.

MissClarke86 may have been tough on you, but she's right on what she said.
Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses.

If you report his abuse, including financial abuse, you could have access to legal aid for the divorce.
As for access, I'd let him go to court first.
It will be a safeguarding issue, so you could involve SS to help you protect the children.

So how did you feel when he agreed to replacement phone?

There's another thread on here where a woman has found out that her husband has been sending other women messages. It's the fact that her grandfather is terminally ill which has given her the push to decide that she deserves better in life. Staying is of course the easier option - it's familiar and predictable. Leaving is not. You will be alone and your husband has been preventing you becoming an independent adult because he has kept you in a state of perpetual teenager, thinking that you can't manage without him, however grim it is at times.

But you do deserve better, and so do your children. I also grew up in a home like theyAlwaysKnow. I don't hate my mother for staying but I think less of her for it. She put her love for my dad above her own children's wellbeing. We are all irreparably damaged by her decision.

I felt quite smug myself Silvery, to be honest. Because I knew he would. I suppose it makes me feel quite clever, and I'm really not at all, but I do feel I've got one over on him. Like he thinks he's controlling everything, but really it's me.

I don't have many strengths.

I don't think I'd be entitled to legal aid. I have money but he won't let me have it.

Did you take a look at the checklist I sent you?

I am sorry if you felt it was unkind. I just feel like this is 21 pages of people trying to help, support and encourage you and all you have done is make excuses. You started the thread and clearly want to leave him, so listen to what everybody here is telling you.

It breaks my heart to think of a child growing up in that environment, as I was that child. That's where any forcefulness in my posts come from. It's not intended to upset you, but sometimes being kind and helpful doesn't help and being blunt does. I wish my mum had left. I would never have seen her as "taking my father away", I'd just have been relieved.

Also, the fact that's you think a strangers post might be your emotionally abuse husband, is enough to cement the fact that you are in an abusive relationship to be honest.

People in normal relationships would never think to have to background check someone online out of fear that's it was their partner. You need to stop pretending your relationship is normal, that's the first step.

I'm afraid you are also quite unjustifiably smug about staying in a relationship for the children - or rather, you are unjustifiably judgemental of single parents. You assume that you will do more damage by leaving and raising your children in a "broken home" than staying. But your home is already broken: it has violence, coercion and rape at its centre.

Whether your children will be damaged by divorce and single parentdom is debatable. what is not debatable is that tbe current family set up is damaging them now.

There is a lot of testimony on this thresd, and others about the lo g term damage to children of abusive relationships.

You've internalised some rather clichéd stereotypes of single parent families as an excuse not to leave. Is this also your husband talking?

That's kind of like I felt (a bit smug, quietly pleased at proof I was cleverer than him). (but mostly not during the marriage, if I got him to do housework or he contributed a bit financially, I floated on Unrealistic Hope for a while.)

Over the course of the marriage, this kind of low level tussle meant we had somehow become like entwined climbing plants, each supporting the other in a pretty dysfunctional way. We each grew in a twisted way, we deformed each other's growth. (Although I am very happy being the person I am now :) )

I don't think I'd be entitled to legal aid. I have money but he won't let me have it.

Is it in your name? You can access it.
If you have no access to money, it's financial abuse and you could get help. Look it up and ask.

OP the decision you will have to justify to you children when they're older is not why you broke up their home, but why you didn't leave their abusive father.

It is recognised that abusive relationships damage children regardless of whether the abuse is directed at them.

There are many, many children who grow up with an abusive parent who find it very difficult to forgive the parent who failed to leave. Who failed to protect them from the toxic environment.

If you consider future discussions with your children, that is what you should focus on.