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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How on earth can I keep us all safe?

994 replies

cherrycrumblecustard · 14/12/2016 16:00

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

OP posts:
typedwithcertainty · 17/12/2016 18:34

And you are not an idiot. This type of manipulation does not happen overnight. It takes years for an abuser to mould a person into who they want. That's all that's happened. It's reversible. You're still the person you always were.

You are strong and a wonderful mother

typedwithcertainty · 17/12/2016 18:36

There is always somewhere to go. It's not the somewhere you need to find. It's inner strength

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 18:38

I don't have a clue who I was before him. I was 15. I had nobody and he came striding in and took care of everything and I miss seeing him like that in a way.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 17/12/2016 18:39

Cherry - I was not a good friend to my friend who was suffering in a similar way to you. I didn't realize what was happening - if I had I would have got her out of there earlier and saved her the years she put up with constantly being put down, hit (but never where the bruises could be seen), everything she did was never good enough for him but he always made it appear as her fault. She was forever apologizing to him but we all thought he was wonderful - if only we'd known!

It is not your fault - keep repeating that to yourself and think about your long term future.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 18:40

But you couldn't have known. None of my friends did. They probably just thought I stopped liking them.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 17/12/2016 18:45

I don't think most of us knew what we were about when we were 15 - it would have been easy for him to impress you. Why did he stop you going to your friends party? Could you not confide in this friend - it would be good for you to have somewhere safe to go to.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 18:46

I don't know her all that well. Apparently she used to babysit me when she was about 16 and I was 2. I really like her and she invited me to this party. He kept saying I wouldn't like it and wouldn't like the people. If he doesn't approve of a friend then bam, no more.

OP posts:
typedwithcertainty · 17/12/2016 18:52

Would you feel comfortable talking to one of your friends about it? Is there anyone? I think you need to have a discussion in real life similar to this thread to help you.

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 17/12/2016 18:52

Is she someone you could reach out to?

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 18:53

Honestly, I don't have anybody, at all. Literally a handful of mums I'm friendly with. I used to have quite a lot of friends. But not now.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/12/2016 18:57

Perhaps. But if in time you decide to explain to them, they will most likely say things like "Oh! This all makes sense now, how awful!"

I alienated a few friends and even family members. There were very few who remained uninterested after I explained the reason for my absence.

Be kind to yourself and don't worry about stepping away from the thread for a while if you need to - I've noticed you go into "No no, actually, it's not that bad, everything is fine, really" when you're starting to feel the panic.

Again (like so many other things) this is very very normal because it's a horribly uncomfortable thing to be aware of. I very much liken it to being in a war. You can't think about the war all the time or you wouldn't be able to get on with daily life. Of course your brain will try to protect you from the reality when it gets too much.

You don't have nowhere to go, you have options. But you need to be ready and that is understandable.

Shame there is no currently running emotional abuse support thread. I found it a lifeline when I was in a similar situation. Honestly just talking about this means that you're half a world away from where you were just three days ago. Be kind to yourself. It's no small thing.

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 17/12/2016 18:58

BertieBotts - I second everything you've said. Flowers

typedwithcertainty · 17/12/2016 19:00

I think you know what you have to do. You just think you can't. But you can. You will be believed. You and your children will be safe.

It might take you a little while to build up the courage but hopefully not too long. Keep posting on here. Try and reach out to someone- anyone in real life.

Original poster
cherrycrumblecustard · 17/12/2016 19:00

Thank you, you've made me go all tearful! I could do with contacting friends as much as anything it would REALLY help if there are any archived texts from years ago but mostly I don't know how to get in touch. I haven't properly had any friends since before getting pregnant with DD so - three years ago, more than that in most cases.

OP posts:
MNHQ
EmmanuelleMumsnet · 17/12/2016 19:12

Hi there OP,

We hope you don't mind us jumping in, but your thread has been reported a few times by other Mumsnetters who are very concerned about you.

We know you are getting a lot of support here already, but here are some links that might also be useful in accessing support irl.

Wishing you all the best Flowers.

Lweji · 17/12/2016 19:14

I'm not surprised he managed that you got rid of your job and your friends.
That's what they do.

You know, I got back in touch with good friends from years before (I was abroad for over a decade) and for the most part it's as if we had always been in touch.

I'm sure you'll get the good friends back. And they will support you.
And you will make new friends too.

Maybe you could take a look at the WA messageboard for support too.

And when you leave, and if you ever feel like going back, post here, talk to someone, remind yourself of why you left.

BertieBotts · 17/12/2016 19:20

Do you have facebook? Most people are easily searchable on there. Or old emails, perhaps?

If nothing else, Christmas is an excellent "excuse" to get back in touch with long lost friends. People are generally feeling reflective and are usually happy to hear from you.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 17/12/2016 19:20

Cherry, unfortunately I'm nowhere near you at all but if you were even just an acquaintance of mine in real life, I'd help in a heartbeat, so I'm sure your mum friends would definitely help if they only knew.

Can you try Facebook or LinkedIn to find some of your former friends?** Honestly, if any of your friends knew half of what you posted here, they would help.

llangennith · 17/12/2016 19:41

Contact Women's Aid. They are the experts and there's nothing they haven't heard re domestic violence.
Please do contact them as soon as possible. You need to protect yourself and your children.

adornorising · 17/12/2016 19:41

Cherry I've read the full thread. I totally understand why leaving to the unknown is so scary, and the feeling of being able to control (or influence) what happens with the kids and him by staying, rather than them being alone with him.

And I also understand why you don't want to hurt him by calling the police.

These things are all because you're a nice person. Is it easier to accept the suffering yourself than to have to see (emotional) pain in someone else's face and feel that you caused that?

What your husband does to you is rape. Even if you wanted it fully and 10 seconds later changed your mind, you changed your mind. That's your - everyone's - right! That's totally ok. No matter how many messages he has of you saying you wanted sex, you're still allowed, at ANY point, even if he's inside you, to change your mind. If he carries on, that's rape.

And you know he has a good side. He's nice to you too, he doesn't always do hear things. This is what I used to (and still struggle with at times to be honest) remind myself when I was figuring out my abuser (not DH). Even the very worst person does nice things: Hitler apparently was lovely to his sister and his dog. I don't know how true it is (haven't fact-checked), but the truth is that not every part of everybody is horrible. However, there are some things - like rape (and coercive control) - that are so bad, they override the good things. How can anybody really make up for raping someone even once?

Sorry this is so long!

adornorising · 17/12/2016 19:50

Sorry that was so long!

How about this. Right now you don't feel able to leave because you've nowhere to go. That means that you also have no choice to stay. So how about taking the heat off and think of calling WA again as a "what would I do if.." type of thing, and even calling the police anonymously and asking what would happen if you reported things etc and quietly organising things so if you want to go one day you actually can. It won't be easy, for sure, but having an idea of who to call, where to go etc would give you more options. And you would remain in control of what happens in a way you're worried about not being right now.

And please, please, be very careful about any of this online. And of using things like WhatsApp which can be read on other devices (so by others). You are a smart person - you have to be to read the tone in his voice from one word etc - you can do anything you want to. Take it at your own pace and be very, very careful.

MissMarplesHat · 17/12/2016 19:53

Read Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser, I hope it helps.

jaxxyj · 17/12/2016 19:54

Cherry
I've been lurking reading the thread for a while and just wanted to come on to say to you that you are a survivor! You are much stronger than you think you are! You have been putting up with this and "handling it and him" for years, he hasn't broken you and you have managed to live the best you can with real survival mechanisms in place. It will just take a while to turn that strength of managing and dealing ( which takes up all your energy now) into strength to leave. You are at the very beginning but as others have said it will come and at times you will wobble and doubt yourself and your reality. As others have said quietly make a plan. Add £10 cash back to your shopping, buy stuff and take it back, open your own bank account make a grab back just in case you suddenly feel able or something changes. We are rooting for a better life for you and your childrenFlowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/12/2016 19:59

Dear OP

It's a marathon not a sprint . So the scales have been lifted - and you realize this is not sustainable .

You might not be ready to leave right this very second but please keep posting and keep reading . And in the meantime :

Manage your privacy and secrecy
Educate yourself about abuse it's so so helpful to see it in black and white
Tell people around you - there is no shame
Keep a diary - this is essential and keep it private but write down (a) an essay or where you are today and
(B) start documenting everything

Call women's aid
Read up on legal matters

There is much to do to build up your muscle to be strong enough

Sending you massive Flowers and strength

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/12/2016 20:02

And set yourself up a new email account and start sending everything to it

Even with a 3 month data log it will make you realize how bad he is