How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

I know you don't feel it...no one ever really does. I've been there, I still look back and go "I wasn't in that much danger" sometimes. I was. I said it to a woman on the helpline before, and she told me that by the time you feel you're in danger, it's too late. Don't wait until you feel you're in danger before you do something love.

If you had somewhere to go, would you leave?

Yes

Would you consider a refuge?

I don't think I could. I don't trust myself not to go running back. I'd be scared, the children would be unsettled, I have a dog, all these things that sound small but aren't, you know?

Just contemplate the possibility of your daughter being in your position without you being around to help. Would you want that for her?

She's not even 3 but she's smarter than me

It's not about being smart hun, not in the slightest.

It makes perfect sense, I will say that most refuges will not take pets - but there are foster services that take on pets whilst a woman is in a refuge, and takes care of the animal until the woman has moved on from refuge and is settled in a new home of her own.

You'd be surprised how quickly little kids adapt. And the younger they are, the easier it will be for both you and them.

Cherry you said something upthread that worries me. That your H might read this thread. Perhaps I misunderstood. But please, cover your tracks. Make sure you delete your internet history very regularly. If he gets wind of your changing feelings you could be in grave danger. Please be careful.

You also said this maybe I've not explained well, but he doesn't lose it, ever really. He's always fully in control. Even if he gets angry it's anger that is reigned in.
You know, that's typical or abusers. They are often very controlled. Which tells you that their actions are very deliberate. He means to hurt you and humiliate you. He means to wind you into knots of self doubt. It is very deliberate. I bet also, that he has a 'public personality' that is very charming. That he doesn't lose control elsewhere or hurt anyone else outside of your home, at work, for example. But lots of people will see through his facade. You may not realise that until you leave him, but they will.

Yes, what they all said.

Another option, if you have access to money. I was in the fortunate position of having a relative with money when I left and they gifted me enough to put down a deposit and first month's rent on a privately rented house. I looked for three months in secret for a house which I could afford on housing benefit and which would allow me to bring my cat. I made all of the arrangements in secret and then I moved out while XP was at work. I wished that it didn't have to be that way but I was afraid for my safety if he knew that I was leaving, even though he'd never actually hit me before. I was just scared that it might be enough to trigger it.

It worked well and I didn't tell him my address for a long time so it was a safe haven.

I think I'd have to, if I did leave, as I'd have the children. I don't know who I'm kidding, to be honest - I'm not going to leave. He's not abusive. I think I need to apologise to him for trying to claim he is.

Cherry he is abusive.

Is he reading this thread love?

I only ask because this sentence - He's not abusive. I think I need to apologise to him for trying to claim he is. is VERY coercive control and headworky, gaslight-y. That sentence in itself would be enough to make me start asking questions about the relationship and whether that relationship was abusive.

Please read your first post, Cherry. If you read that about someone else, would you really think it's not abusive? You started this thread feeling that you needed to do something to keep yourself and your children safe, and you are right.

Why are you saying he isn't abusive - do you think how he acts and makes you feel is normal? I can assure you that it isn't normal. It is easy for me to post comments - I have never been in your position but I have a friend who was. I didn't know that she had lived in an emotional, physical and financially abusive marriage for 9 years. I never knew anything was wrong until she turned up on my doorstep st 3am one morning when enough was finally enough. She never went back. My DH and DS went and collected her belongings as she had left with just the clothes she was wearing. She is now divorced and in a new and very happy relationship.

This is probably why I feel so strongly about your situation. I probably still feel guilty that I hadn't realized what was going on. She has now told me in detail as to what had happened - there were lots of tears that night.

OP, what's his reaction when you say no?

Parker how horrible for you you were a good friend to her. I don't really say no Welsh because he's usually right.

He is abusive cherry, Very abusive, he is raping you, repeatedly. That's not what you do to some one you love or respect. It's scary thinking of leaving. I'd think it's a whole load more scary thinking about staring down the barrel of another thirty years of sexual abuse and being controlled.

Sorry Cherry - have just caught up. Lweji asked that question so no need to answer again.

I thought he was reading then. Sorry.

Cherry are you safe to be online right now? Does he know you post here, know your username etc?

Please cover your tracks online - if he suspects you may be thinking of or looking to leave, it's very likely his behaviour will escalate.

I'm fine, honestly, just felt really paranoid for a minute!

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

Some info on how to stay safe online and help prevent him from seeing things you've looked at. x

I am such an idiot.

How could I have not only got into this situation myself but brought children into it, let him take away my job(s) and friends and everything. But it's not him, is it? It's me. I let him do it.

Just read the full thread. You sound at war with yourself internally about what you want to do. But the good thing is the debate in your head is happening and you have realised that your situation isn't normal and something needs to be done about it. I pray it doesn't take you too long to find the courage to go.

You are a very brave woman, you will come through this.

Have you tried looking at services in your local area specifically for places you could go?

I am. I am at war. I've nowhere to go though so I think I will just have to put up with it. I dropped a Christmas card at my friends house before. I was meant to go to a party a few weeks ago and he wouldn't let me.