Have just sat and read the full thread..
Cherry - it sounds like you know that this is abuse and that his actions are not justifiable at all (no matter what he may say). But, as Lweji said, you're having an internal battle - which is perfectly normal. Nearly every woman in an abusive relationship has this battle...you've been conditioned for so long to instantly think of him first - so much so that you don't even think you do it, but when you read something you hear his voice. You know what he thinks before you know what you think.
And it's hard to do battle with that, with his voice.
It's terrifying to think to do anything that you know he wouldn't like, isn't it.
As has been pointed out, the 'playfighting' is physical abuse - playfighting should not involve injury, and he wouldn't stop if you protested that it hurt, would he?
He doesn't stop when you protest to sex. That is rape. People have said you could have him charged - this is true. Sexual messages 10 years ago are just that, sexual messages from 10 years ago. They are not a "free-pass" to do whatever he pleases - so if you ever did decide you wanted to prosecute, do not let that be the thing that stands in your way. Because it's not relevant to his treatment of you now.
Also, it's true that the children will know. I know the majority happens after dark once the kids are in bed as you've said - but I can promise you, they will know. They pick up on our emotions and feelings, on atmosphere, can you honestly say that there's no chance they've ever woken in the night to hear something going on? I won't railroad you as others have done. Not at all. I completely understand how hard this is right now. And how many things are running through your head about all of this.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in conjunction with Refuge and Women's Aid) have a voicemail service, where if you can't get through when you call, you can leave your name, number and a safe window to call you back on. 0808 2000 247. Please try them again Cherry.
I will always recommend a woman and her children leave an abusive relationship - but it's not something you can just do on the say so of people on the internet. Often it takes time. You need to be ready, both physically and emotionally. And when that time comes that you are ready, there will be people there to help you. A refuge will probably be your best and safest option to leave. But there will be support for that, and then there will be help for you.
I'm really concerned about the backtracking in the middle of this thread...
But I'm going to advise regardless. There are things you can do to keep yourself as safe as possible whilst still living with him;
- Be sure to always delete your browser history, and never store passwords on any device that he may be able to gain access to, and always log out of sites like this one.
- Pack a grab bag in case you need to escape the house in a hurry, and hide it somewhere safe. Put in birth certificates for you and the children, ID, Passports for you and the children, any benefits paperwork if you have any. A few essential clothes etc for you and the kids. Money. Insurance documents including national insurance number.
- Think about how you would escape the house in an emergency.
- Plan where you would go, how would you get there. Try to think of routes that avoid main roads if you're on foot and he has a car.
- If you suspect he may be become violent, try to move to a low-risk part of the house. Avoid kitchen, bathroom, garage, or places where you may become trapped in a small space like walk-in cupboards etc.
Are there any neighbours you could trust enough to ask that they ring 999 if they hear sounds of a struggle?
Think about what options are open to you - refuge, injunctions, police involvement etc.
There's alot more information here - www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7 and don't be afraid to post here and ask for help.
This is an awfully long post and I do apologise for that, so I will leave it here. I just wanted to add, that your silence doesn't protect you. It only protects him. I know you're worried about 'ruining his life', but that is honestly not your burden to bear. He is the one behaving in this way towards you. Any repercussions for HIS actions are HIS alone.
Sending a big hug...
Be kind to yourself Cherry. x