How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

My blood just ran cold reading that. And I've had rough sex before, but never like that
Can you actually enjoy having sex (even when not forced )with him at all?

Yes, I do, although I haven't really felt like it for a while.

I wonder if I do have some mild depression. I'm not eating or sleeping well. I was thinking earlier how I used to be quite creative and love music and books but now rarely read or play. I used to love long walks with the dog but now just take her round the block.

Have you told anyone in real life about your life? You mention Mum friends - do you have regular nights out where you could confide in someone who could provide a safe place for you.

I think you have lost yourself Cherry. I am not getting any sense of You in these posts, more like what he wants and does, tells you that you like.

It took me a long time to learn assertiveness. I met my ds dad when I was 15 and he was 23. he was a violent bully too.

No, I don't have anyone to tell. I do get lonely.

For ages I was queen

Even during and after a lot of that stuff. Alert and engaged and - don't know, bright? Not clever but just switched on.

Are your children old enough to realize that their home life isn't normal? Do you think they will be able to tell their teacher or after school activity leaders if they felt in danger?

Parker honestly, their home life is normal.

The stuff I've posted about, is after dark. They don't see it. Some of the stuff even predates them being born.

I wonder if I do have some mild depression. I'm not eating or sleeping well.

You know, many abused women get depressed.

www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/depression/domestic-violence-and-depression-breaking-the-cycle/

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends, anyone you meet regularly? Do you spend time with them?

Not really :) a few mums from nursery and school.

I'm sorry your in this situation. You do sound very stuck. You are not happy and cannot see a way out. try value yourself as an independent being. I know it must seem confusing and very difficult if you have been in this relationship all your adult life. You are not an extension of him, you are Cherry and you can choose when to have sex.

What happens if you start developing a deeper friendship?

Christ, he sounds like a sociopath
What will happen when your kids become teenagers, staying up later, observing and internalising all this?
What will happen when your kids push boundaries and give him lip? How do you think he will respond?
How do you think this will affect your children and their future relationships?
You really need to think about the answers, do you want your daughters to be submissive and seek out abusive relationships and your sons controlling abusers? These are possibilities.

It depends who it is Lweji, he has liked some of my friends, others not so much. But I've lost a lot of confidence and I don't think it's totally him. Some of its me.

Are you able to say why you can't go to your GP? And do you have any family? Sorry if you've answered either or both of those before.

I feel like seeing the GP might start things rolling I'm not happy with. I don't have any family.

You have lost confidence because of the life you living - I'm sure anyone in such an abusive relationship would be the same.

Do you do anything for you - go to the gym, spa treatment, cinema night out with the girls - things which are fun and get you out of the house.

Sometimes. In many ways I know I have a very nice life, and I am fortunate

Go to gp and say you feeling down not eating etc if you can't say the rest.
Ask for referral to a counsellor. You csn say thete are other things you eant yo tell a counsellor. What you tell the counsellor is confidential and won't go on record.
You need to talk this through with someone in real life.
You realize the nice behaviour is control too ? He can get away with anything so long as he is nice after.
It us chilling but you are beginning to wake up... where do you see yourself in five years time .? In 10 ?what will your life be like ?

please think about what Cestlavie says and try the GP route. You need that space to talk it through. Have you tried womens aid again?

No I feel I need some more time. I was very sure I wanted to leave a couple of days ago. Now I am no longer sure.

This is awful op. Not for a second in any kind of situation is this what happens in a normal non abusive relationship. Have you got daughters? Imagine them telling you someone did this to them. You would be horrified, and so would anyone be . Please get help and get a plan together.

I can't understand your earlier comment ''in many ways I have a nice life and am fortunate '. Why would you think this?

Whatever the nice bits of your life are, you're paying a high price for them.
You don't have to be ready to leave to see the GP, say what cestlavie said above and ask to be referred for counselling.
If you're worried about your husband finding out, you could just say you're going to the GP about some back pain to see if you can get some physio.
One step at a time. Try the GP and at least have a general conversation about how you're feeling, even if you don't want to say why. You're in control of how much you say - the GP can't read your mind or see behind closed doors.

I'm afraid I haven't read the full thread.
I left a man like this. I've been free over three years now. He now hasn't seen the children since August and looks unlikely to pursue it through court. You do not have to make the children available for contact without a court order. Reporting the abuse and getting injunctions against him will help if he is likely to try to pursue it, but often these men use the threat of court to frighten you into allowing contact. Going "ok then, apply to the courts" took all the wind from my exes sails.
I did a domestic violence survivors course (sort of like the freedom programme but with a lot of stuff on self esteem building and stuff too) after I left, and received counselling from rape crisis and honestly I barely recognise the frightened woman that I was back then.
Your life can change so much, you don't have to be afraid constantly.
I beleive you.