How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Cherry - an earlier poster mentioned the Freedom Programme. It really would be worth you looking into. And if money is no object, a good therapist will help too.

You are a victim of abuse, as much as the children that Restless helps are. You have been groomed and you're making sense of what has happened to you by minimising it and normalising it because it's the only way you can survive.

He is totally inside your head. He has told you who and what you are for years. I'm not surprised you're scared of leaving him - he has defined who you are for a very long time.

That's why I think you need to start doing some emotional work prior to getting out. In an ideal world, you'd leave tomorrow but your children aren't going to die if you don't. But you need to carry on taking steps. Starting this thread was the first one. Trying to contact WA is the second.

Actually - on that note, have you googled 'refuge [your area]'? You may get a lot more joy getting through to them rather than the national number. And this is a time of year when a lot of partners become more abusive so lines are going to be busier than normal.

But keep taking steps. Every single one will get you a bit closer to walking out of the door.

cherry go and speak to someone .
ask gp to refer to a counsellor.
then you can go through everything with someone independent and see after a few sessions how you feel.

in meantime just bear in mind if he assaults you in any way, get out...

I wish money was no object! I just mean, we aren't poor. We have money but it's his really.

I am nodding along with him being inside my head, sometimes I will read a post on here and I hear his response.

We have money but it's his really

No, it's yours, as in both of you.

I couldn't just take money out op for therapy though. Or anything else.

He isn't stingy, I can have anything I want, but he controls everything.

Please know Cherry that you have an army of mumsnetters behind you whatever you decide to do.

Tell the police, and speak to women's aid. As soon as possible. Do not delay any longer.

Please keep safe. This is the right thing for you and your children. X

I can have anything I want, but he controls everything

If he controls everything then you can't have anything you want. Anything means just that, without limitations. What would happen if you had one £40 session of counselling per week? Would he notice that you'd withdrawn £40, or £20 twice over the course of a week? If he did would he ask you about it?

If you feel you can't just withdraw your joint money then you are definitely not exaggerating, or playing at being a victim. This is financial abuse. It's part of the same package.

He'd know!

Ok. So he'd know that you'd withdrawn some money. Surely you spend money on drinks, magazines, bits and bobs during the course of a week? Do you have to account for how you spend your money? If you don't, he won't know you're withdrawing it to spend it on a counselling session.

Can you pay for groceries or whatever with a debit card and get cashback? Maybe a tenner/£20 a time. It will soon add up. It won't work if he insists on going through actual receipts but just looking at bank statements it will be ok.

Cherry I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you are so brave to even post on here and admit what is happening.

Could you speak with your GP? You could say you have to go for a smear or something... tell your GP, they will help.

Does he hurt you play fighting? Does he smack your bottom hard, as a joke? Does he pinch you hard?
All of that is still domestic violence.

Yes, Lweji. Yes that's exactly the sorts of things he does. It's not like he punches or kicks me or pushes me down the stairs. Would it really count as domestic violence, though?

Your situation is physical, emotional and financial abuse. I wish you would contact the police and some of the aid agencies. Do you work - do you have family and friends in another part of the country where you could relocate to for a fresh start.

Are you married to him?
How do you pay for day to day stuff ?
Nhs counselling is free.
Gp could refer you.

I don't have any family. Just a few local mum friends. They think he's the perfect husband. We are married. I can't go to my GP.

Cherry I have read all of your thread and I think another one previously.
Just wanted to say that it seems you are struggling to accept that the situation you are in is abusive.

Many people have referred to breaking it down into steps - can I suggest thinking about these things as a first step:

Do you want him to pinch you? or smack your bottom?
Do you really truly desire that he punches next to you (I think you mentioned this)
Are you really happy for him to force you to have sex ?

Can you think on this and answer the most truthfully you can,
without any other things that might cloud the issue - like how to get money or not have him arrested etc.

I think if you can answer that question then maybe that will help you to take a next step.

Would it really count as domestic violence, though?

Yes. Unless you were happy about it and he knew you liked it.
That kind of causing hurt disguised as playing about shows that he is capable of hurting you.
I'd guess he uses it to punish you for something in his head and to show you he could hurt you badly if he wanted. It's about control.

Hi Cherry. I've been in your situation. My partner was emotionally abusive. He occasionally shoved me or threatened me with violence but I couldn't say he hit me. If he wanted sex he wouldn't really listen to me saying I didn't and would often rub himself on me till he ejaculated or have sex with me while I fought back tears. Because it wasn't violent - just pushy - I never thought of it as rape. A councillor recently told me (15 years after leaving) that my relationship was one of the most abusive she'd heard about. I couldn't understand that as to me abuse is a punched face a black eye. I still struggle to think of what he did as rape. He was a good man in some ways - but had issues from his childhood. I loved him so much but it just got so hard and so stressful. I was also scared to leave as I didn't want to be lonely. He so convinced me that no one else would ever want me because I wasn't desirable or good. This is never true - I found a wonderful man who treats me so well. I just wanted to say I recognise all your feelings and it can literally take decades to unravel it all in your head. It's easy for others to say how awful it is and how you're being terribly abused but these relationships are so complex and you lose yourself so much. You can get yourself back though. Just take one step at a time xx

Would it really count as domestic violence, though?

Yes. It's called "coercive control." It's a crime.

Here's the Government website explaining Coercive Control.

Coercive Control

What is coercive control?

From the second link:

Coercive control:

"It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just women’s bodily integrity which is violated but also their human rights."

I think that's why he does do it Lweji, but it's usually done during sex. Or immediately before.

I can't believe how much you understand without knowing him to be honest. But it's also scaring me because it's so much better when in my head I can tHink of him as good, as if we just have a few problems. I love him. I know people must be bored of me saying that but I do.

Queen - things I can think of he does

He will hug me, usually put his arm round me sideways, and then if I try to move he will keep his arm clamped down round me, it turns into me struggling to get free and then he will keep me pinned down until he can tell I'm getting a little bit panicky then releases me.

Smacks - these have never been wholly as a joke or entirely serious either. Somewhere between the two.

Once when I was twenty three he forced me to perform oral sex on him. He knelt on my arms (so I couldn't push him off) and pushed his penis into my mouth even though I was crying and begging him to stop. (I don't mind giving oral but the lack of control over it was awful.) Then I started choking and I couldn't scream properly because he was inside me so this weird noise came out and I remember he looked horrified and got off me and I went to run off and he was saying over and over "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what have I done, I'm sorry." I was so shocked and shaking I let him comfort me. He made the biggest hugest fuss of me for days after that, my work had a summer party and he came and everyone was saying what a lovely boyfriend I had and how lucky I was and how much he loved me. I believed it too. But then we got home and I'd had a summer dress on and his hands were up there and he was being rough.

I know I must sound like a deluded idiot but I don't think he means to hurt, but I do think he gets off on the feeling of power.

do you want him to do any of those things?

Oh