How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

If the one bad thing is horrible, the little good things don't outweigh it.

The 'how' is not as simple as one call to women's aid.
But it's a first step.
I'd have some questions lined up for when you do get through.

No-one goes from "I cant" to "I will" in one step, no-ones legs are that long.
You just have to try and do the next step each time.

You need to:

ensure you will have enough money for a while, or sort out benefits
find a place to stay, or get him out of the house
decide when to leave (or get the no contact order) and get your things out
get information about finances for the eventual divorce

You could plan it longer term to leave over the school holidays, so that they could change school. It might be better for your (and their) safety.

Make a list of what you think you'll need to do and start crossing things out. One by one. Step by step.

Going to your GP is another good starting point- being attacked by your husband is not just one bad thing - I can't think of anything worse he could do.

You are obviously very concerned about your DC's - just like any good mum would be. Why do you think things would be worse for them with their animal of a father out of their life?

Go away restless. You are haranguing.
Good luck Cherry, it can be better x

But what some of you seem to be saying is that a marriage should always be perfect, otherwise your children will never be happy. Anyway, they aren't going to learn what a good marriage is from a single mother are they?

Oh dear, I was trying NOT to say either of those things. I quite specifically was talking about the family not the marriage - but a family WILL be affected by the overall state of the parents' marriage.

I was trying to describe the subtle, long-term effects of being brought up by a needy, martyred mother, an absent dominant father - a marriage increasingly out of kilter & neither of them happy in their own skins - without overt violence or rape.

And my mother worked really hard to make everything seem as though we were the perfect nuclear family. But it had an effect - quite a serious effect, in fact.

How much more when there is rape & violence at the centre of the family?

I know how difficult it is to leave. I did, but it wasn't easy. I also took longer than I should and went back and forth a bit

My mother took a long time - I was 30 when she finally left. For the sake of your children - and for you, you are worth it! - I hope you can find the determination to leave earlier than that.

Have you considered that you may lose your children if you don't escape his abuse?

Cherry Do you know you can also email women's aid

[email protected]

I hope you find the next step soon, OP

Glint ODFOD I'm not haranguing her I'm trying to get some clarity into the situation and I'm not the only one that's pointed out the situation of her children. As loveyoutothemoon has pointed out she could lose her children, I'm trying to stop that happening.

I won't be losing the children. I've been exaggerating and taking things out of context. This is really unfair of me and DH is right that I am also bad. I play the victim when I'm unhappy when the reason I'm unhappy is because of my own stupidity. I can change this but not without DH. He has always been my rock.

Your DH has hit you - how can he be your rock. You are not stupid - he is animal!

Oh Cherry

You poor thing. He's destroyed you.

I wish you well and the strength you need to do whatever you can.

Hi there - it's ok. Ignore the more strident voices on here - they've either hit wine o'clock early or they've not been through what you are going through. I too am in an abusive relationship. I have blamed myself for so much, but you kno what - you are not in the wrong. He's wrong and he's messed with your head big time. That's what men like him do to women like us.

Please don't lose sight of who you are and your obvious love for your children. You can - and will - come through this. Please contact Refuge or Women's Aid ASAP. And when you are doubting and blaming yourself again read 'Should I Stay or Should I Go' by Lundy Bancroft. It's on KIndle. It will change your life for the better.

But he doesn't, Parker. Not in the way you mean. Alan, he's not like your partner either. I'm sorry but he isn't.

Cherry - you said in your first post that he hit you ? How can this be acceptable?

Cherry. I can't imagine you've been exaggerating. Even if you had, if it was only 50% of the story, that's still 50% too much. As for out of context. I understand that things are generally more nuanced than in black and white on a screen. But some things don't have a context which makes them better or more acceptable. If a couple are having problems and one decides to have an affair, whatever the context the decision/action is wrong.

You've said a few times now that you're stupid. I bet you're not. Making a mistake does not give somebody else the right to hurt you. How do you think you are "playing the victim"? If you are unhappy you have a right to be so. It's not posturing. You are the owner of your own feelings and reactions, whatever he may be telling you to the contrary.

You say you can change this but not without DH. But if he is the reason you need to change things, what part is he going to play? It's one of the worst feelings in the world when something awful has happened, and you want to turn to the person you love the most and say help me, looks what's happening. But you can't, because it's actually that person who is causing you the distress. You feel completely lost. The only way out is to accept that they can't be the person you turn to anymore. It's so hard, really hard, but not impossible.

This is really unfair of me and DH is right that I am also bad. I play the victim when I'm unhappy when the reason I'm unhappy is because of my own stupidity. I can change this but not without DH. He has always been my rock.

Oh Cherry - he is inside your head. Your post made me cry a little. You are worth so much more than this.

He doesn't really hit me. To be honest it is more of a joke than anything. But it really embarrasses me to talk about. I do tell him to stop and he mostly has. It was mostly in the early stages of our relationship. I'm really sorry.

Cherry - please please don't apologise to us.

So it is a joke you being terrified of him? He really has done a good job on you - this is one of the saddest threads I've read. I wish you and your children well but find your situation desperately sad and upsetting.

Cherry you don't need to apologise. You are talking about the most initmate things with a group of strangers. It must be so difficult to admit all this to yourself, let alone to others. But when I say admit I do not mean that there is guilt or blame attached to you in anyway. I am just acknowledging that we all like to present the best side of our life to those we don't really know.

Can it be possible to not "really" hit someone? Are you saying a gentle slap, or a small shove is ok, because you haven't got a black eye? The intention behind it is the same - to hurt, belittle and control. My ex was never violent or abusive, but just before we broke up he was angry and upset. He rounded on me and loomed over me, speaking to me in a threatening voice. He may not have "hit" me, but in those moments he was losing control.