How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

It's not nasty, it's the reality.

I didn't grow up in an abusive household, but my father got increasingly difficult & demanding, and my mother (SAHM) became increasingly scared & martyrlike. My father could be quite mean with money, and rarely put his wife or family first. My mother increasingly walked on eggshells. A lot of family discussion was "Don't tell your father ..." sort of stuff. They divorced when I was in my early 30s, and it was like we could all breathe again. They were ultimately mismatched, each with deep insecurities, and both quite weak human beings, although they did their best in different ways. But there was always a certain amount of tension in the house. Some of my earliest memories (from when I was not quite 2 years old) are about that tension.

It's had long-lasting effects on me & all my siblings. Bad choices by my sisters in husbands, and for me, a in invisible sign above my head probably saying "unloveable." I manage by working hard & forging my own life, but I know how my nice middle-class family with my parents' difficult marriage at the centre, has left its scar.

But my father was never violent; (as far as I know) my father never forced himself physically on my mother; my father wasn't entirely controlling, but almost.

That has left a mark that me & my sisters can feel & we have had to deal with as adults.

Just so you know - from a child's point of view -- that even if you think they don't see what goes on your children are absorbing it in some way or other.

My family experience leads me to think that the lynchpin of any childhood is the feeling of safety at the heart of the family - if what's at the heart f the family is a marriage, then if that marriage isn't safe children pick it up. A single parent at the heart of the family, if she feels safe & secure, will be far far better for your children than violence and rape at the heart of your family.

But what some of you seem to be saying is that a marriage should always be perfect, otherwise your children will never be happy. Anyway, they aren't going to learn what a good marriage is from a single mother are they?

Restless I think you have got your message across loud and clear now. It will do cherry no good whatsoever if she feels bullied into leaving this thread, so could I politely suggest that you leave yourself now.

I work with children who are victims of abuse on a daily basis. I see lifelong effects. Just read StripedTulips post.

Restless lots of us here have experience working with abused adults and children. It doesn't mean that we can ride roughshod over the feelings of a poster who needs support, not bullying.

You can politely suggest all you want

Restless. Can you not see that you're not helping in this situation?

Cherry they can learn what how to be people who take control of their lives from a single mother. They can learn to be people who value themselves and have a healthy self-esteem.

Carry on making your plans, please. Keep trying to contact WA when it's safe for you to do so. Help is out there for you.

Anyway, they aren't going to learn what a good marriage is from a single mother are they?

At least I like to think that my DS has learnt what to do when a marriage is bad. To stand up for yourself and not to take crap.
He has since stopped contact with his dad, completely out of his own accord.

A marriage is about relationships. Children can learn about good relationships with a single mother (or father). Respect, love, caring, they all can be learnt from single parents.

I know how difficult it is to leave. I did, but it wasn't easy. I also took longer than I should and went back and forth a bit. It is very common.
It's rare that someone leaves an abusive marriage on a single attempt. It can take 20 or more attempts.

That's not to say that you should keep staying. You do need to leave. Just don't feel bad for hesitating.

Can you write somewhere why you want to leave? And go and read it when you feel weaker in your resolve?

I honestly don't think any marriage is perfect OP.

I know mine isn't but dh treats me kindly, respects me and loves me. And vice versa.

That's not perfection - it's what you should expect from a relationship.

Please op you deserve so much more than this.

One more thing Cherry , when you read
my posts you got angry. Angry enough to tell me how I was making you feel. So listen to me, you are not 'weak' as you keep saying. Hold on to that feeling.

It doesn't make me feel angry Restless

I don't think I can Lweji, I think it was you who said a few pages ago I need support in not going back to him and there's some truth in that. I am weak, I am hopeless, I am needy. That's how I got into this situation.

You are an abused woman. You've suffered abuse and not only physical. From what you say, he's been abusing you emotionally as well.
Only you can get you out of this situation. You need help, and you should seek it, but nobody can do it for you.

I know. But making me hate myself isn't the answer either.

Cherry no-one wants you to hate yourself. Just the opposite. Everyone wants you to love yourself enough to give yourself freedom from this abused life you living.

You are right that you will need support. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to walk away from what you've know for the last 20 years. But the support is out there.You need to ask for it.

Cherry. I've just today received a call from a police detective in relation to a report I made on the 4th December.
I chatted away to him about the dependent situation I'm in. He was so understanding about my vulnerability that I started to cry.
He said that he is very accustomed to similar situations and not to worry.
He is posting me a list or something of agencies who may help. If you can't receive post discretely, they can use other means.
When I get the list on Monday, I will pm or post here if you prefer
I am going to have to use these services too, so if I forget, pm me.
It's hard for others to understand the dependence emotionally and financially. Lovely detective is closing report but will try to facilitate me as I need this individual short term. Police officer totally understood the dynamics and even explained it to me.
You're not alone.

Remember that reaching for help is not a sign of weakness. We all need support.

I know it was easier for me because I had help from my family and friends. It was after I moved to my home town and I thank those friends, and even strangers who called the police in two occasions (after I had left) and offered to be witnesses.

None of us is Superman (and even he needs Lois and Jimmy :) )

What do you think the answer is Cherry?

Cherry - you mentioned that you are worried about what example you would set your children as a single parent. I've been lucky - I had a lovely childhood and hopefully have given my DT's the same. However I have friends who weren't so lucky during their growing up years but it seems to have made them even more determined not to replicate that cycle with their own children - and they have succeeded so no reason why your children can't be happy adults with a lovely relationship with their Mum who made sure that they didn't live in a dangerous environment.

Also for you, Cherry.

I think I'm somewhere between I want and how. I would ask for help but don't know where. I still can't get through to women's aid. And I can't go from I can't to I will. My legs aren't that long.

Keep trying with WA. You could also talk to your GP. S/he will probably be able to point you to services in your local area that can help. You'll get there.

I can't go to my GP.

I am making it sound worse than it is, it's one bad thing, there are hundreds of good things.

rapecrisis.org.uk/

Try their email
[email protected]

You can also reach out for local help
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Even CAB.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

And speak to your GP about it.

And you can find a solicitor to guide you through it
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/about