How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Definitely, everyone has the right to want something and then change their minds.
Let alone over several years!

Have you ever had counselling? Because you could have something similar to Stockholm syndrome.

I think you will need to use your rational brain rather than the emotional side. What is the best for you, and, ultimately, for your children? They also need a happy mother. They may have realised how unhealthy your relationship is. They could become targets for his abuse, either without you realising, or because he manages to normalise it.
If you were asked if you'd put up with being raped when you started seeing him, would you have said yes? Probably not. But he managed to make it "normal" in your relationship. So could abuse of the children.

You know you have to leave. If you start working on a plan and get help you will be able to do it.

At some point you could tell him that he agrees to supervised contact, or you will report him to the police for the rapes. I'd bet he wouldn't even want the accusation.

The question remains of what to tell the children.
You could tell them that dad didn't treat mum well, and leave it at that. Eventually, tell them that it's private. But that they should never let anyone treat them with less than the respect they deserve.

I don't know.

Last night I thought I wanted to leave then this morning I thought I didn't, that I had made it all up, not in the sense I lied but just I thought I was wrong and taking things out of context. Mostly I just want to start all over again. I feel I'm in too deep of a mess to exit.

I was thinking I could do that Lweji but is that not blackmail?

You're not going to leave, at least not in the near future. It's written all over the posts on here. BUT please get your children to a place of safety. They should not be put at risk because if your inability to see the criminal that your husband is. They deserve better than this and subjecting them to more abuse is not your choice to make. Ask a family member if they can stay with them or if you really don't have anyone speak to social services.

Not really blackmail, but you'd be giving him the opportunity to do the right thing, to a point.
If you report him to the police and he's arrested and convicted, then he won't get anything but supervised contact anyway.
Not reporting him would be to do the children a favour so that their dad wouldn't be sent to prison. You wouldn't be making up a story to get something in return. Instead, you'd be giving him an opportunity to get away with (not murder, but) rape.

What do you think it will take for you to leave? What needs to happen?

That's true Lweji.

I don't think anything major would make me leave, I've just got to know that whatever situation I'm going to isn't worse than the one I'm getting away from. If that makes sense.

Restless. There is no one I could ask, and I have the full picture you don't.

What would be worse for you?

Fair question! Worse for the children, then, I suppose. And also not knowing is scary in itself.

Ultimately my fear is losing the children. Either through being a bad mother or more likely them hating me and turning away from me.

He has not, will not, lay a finger on the children. I am not colluding in their abuse. I would not do that.

I was talking about emotional abuse, but you did upthread say you would be scared for their safety if he was left with them.

He does not need to hit them for them to grow up in an abusive environment children hear see and feel far more than you realise. Is he controlling and strict with the howls he with you in front of them

Have they witnessed you being hit, or being thrown things at?

No Lweji. Actually I think once, just the eldest. But no other than that.

So at least one your children has witnessed their mother being attacked?

Is your eldest male or female?

Your children will know what is going.

Can you work on a plan so that if/when you do leave you can get out ASAP?

You won't lose your DC to your husband but you might lose them to SS if you allow them to continue to live in an abusive environment.

You cannot guarantee that he won't hurt them. In fact you can't be 100% sure that he hasn't hurt them already. He has scared you into keeping quiet and done a good job of victim blaming. Who's to say he hasn't started on the DC?

You need a plan.

No, just an argument that got physical. Look I'm going to stop posting here, it was initially really helpful and made me feel strong but to be honest restless you're just making me feel terrible.

I've been trying really hard to make some plans today. But I've no one to help and no one I can ask but here. Lweji posts and some others post and I feel empowered, but that's not the case now

It's making you feel terrible because it's true. You need to put your kids first.

Try to drown out the idiots. Please don't leave the support and advice. We will challenge them on your behalf.

And how is that helping restless?

I'm really trying Restless but you seem to think you can shame me into leaving and you can't, you're just making me feel panicked.

You can go on feeling empowered.

Victim blaming much?

I think December has brought out the nasty.

You were empowered last night. Every post on here was full of the same amazing advice. But today all the empowerment has vanished now I'm saying if you don't do it for you you have t do it for your kids.

Ignore her op. Please.