Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

GOOD LUCK FROG

Hi Frog Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Really hope there's some good news. I'm away for a couple of days so won't be around to post till Friday. So will be returning to the thread with my fingers crossed and hopes high

And remember the wise words of the 8th century Chinese prophet:

"Fuck oooooooooooooffffffffffffffffff "

Lilac thanks for asking about ds. All ok at school today, just one unkind comment mentioned. He's still insisting I don't speak to the teacher. As a pp said, 2 weeks away from school will hopefully be enough to nip this in the bud. If not, I'll be speaking to the teacher anyway.

Just as a footnote, re friend who's dp had an affair. She's pretending nothing has happened, talking about him like he's loves young dream, and being all gushy and smiley. Bizarre and troubling, but her choice.

I have never seen these threads before but I'm so glad to have found you all. No one I know seems to understand what it's like coparenting with a person like this. I'm at work so don't have the opportunity to give my back story. DD is 15 and spends first, third and fifth weekends with her dad and his girlfriend and her children.

Just last night she's told me she wants some really good noise-cancelling headphones to block out the girlfriend's "screams and shrieks" because she feels "traumatized to hear them having sex. properly traumatized, mom." I've been sent (by an anonymous source) screenshots of his profile and pictures on a fetish website. He's apparently her Dom and flogs her frequently. I'd imagine this is some of the screaming she hears.

She's also told me that in addition to smoking in his car with her he's now smoking in the house as well. Aside from disliking the smell, she's worried about this because she gets migraines and is also a dedicated musician and relies on her lung capacity. His smoking in enclosed spaces with a child is not illegal where we live or I'd nail him to the wall with it.

I don't even know where to start. You all know we can't simply have a reasonable discussion with a narc ex-partner. She asked me not to say anything about the sex noise because she will get in trouble for "reporting" his personal business to me and as far as he's concerned it's none of mine.

Thank you for the rant. I needed to get that out. I'd also welcome any advice!

WN alert!
Exh said he was having the week off from work before xmas and would like DD I said I would think about it (but didn't see it as a problem) anyway Monday comes and goes and no text off WN, now Tuesday and DD decides to Skype him without me knowing. He texts me why didn't I contact him on Monday and he's having DD weds through to xmas day! I said no I didnt agree that and he had DD all last xmas!!
FFS he said he's pissed off with me calling the shots but he doesn't actually have a decent conversation with me?? Why would I agree to xmas morning when he had her all last year?!
The last text I had off him was asking me to be a normal adult!! Be nice if he was a normal adult grrrr!!!

So much to catch up on... I am here ... and reading to all

Hi Purple was thinking you hadn't been around for a while

Panda Welcome. I was a bit gobsmacked reading your post, that's awful for your dd. Are the gf's dc around the same age, or younger? What must they think. Would this fall under a safe guarding issue I wonder? I doubt they're in any danger but it's so inappropriate. I get the impression your dd doesn't feel she can raise the subject with her dad. Does it make her feel she doesn't want to go there? Could she not do overnights, or is that impractical?

Mylife Welcome also. I could have written that post, I completely sympathise. As you say, because you can't have normal conversations everything becomes harder to organise. They accuse us of calling the shots but they sit back and expect us to be their social secretaries. As they are so difficult we don't respond and communicate as we would normally, which leads to misunderstandings and upset.

Definitely not acceptable to have your dd two xmas' in a row - only a WN would think it was. We're doing the mirror opposite of last year. Not what I want but it's the fairest and easiest thing to do.

Welcome to MYLIFE & PANDA X I so wish it was for a good reason you are here, but alas I think. Not! You too probably have at least one w/n to deal with???

I did FaceTime with ds earlier and he was in floods of fecking tears wanting to comee home.
Help me m/n . I want to go there and bring him home to his home comforts safe, warm and loving X. X X not leave him there suffering,
I feel awful and am in floods of tears myself at the moment X

Hey purple X God. Wish I could say welcome back and it not be for a w/n reason X X X

Oh 2012 have just seen your post about your ds. Is it tomorrow he's due home? He's so young that your ex must know he's upset, what do you think would happen if you went to get him?

Good luck today Frog

Thanks DUSTERS . Ds is due back on Thursday . At least he is at school during the day like normal.
I'm contemplating texting X asking X to bring ds home tonight.
I seriously doubt they will. X has a "thing" don't they all that I don't trust them oooooh I wonder why and always wants to prove a point.
I keep thinking that at least this will be it.
Once ds & I get through this, for the immediate future we won't have to do it again until / if w/n decides to bother to ask for holiday visits that'll be a whole other kettle of fish.

Good luck Frog

That's some story Panda - how absolutely.horrible for your DD. I honestly don't know what I'd do in that situation. As she's 15, she's now of an age where she can have more say in her contact, isn't she - so perhaps she can reduce the overnights. Although as we all know, WN will probably pile on the pressure as he'll feel control slipping. Your poor DD.

2012 - just one more day and then he'll be home and snuggled up to you for Xmas. I couldn't bear the tears though - your poor DS.

I think that's the worst of it really - we're all grown adults and can see them for what they are but our gorgeous, impressionable, wonderful DC have to learn the hard way and we can only do so much to protect them.

MyLife - that would make me so cross. Like Dusters, we're basically swapping the time around from last year and, like Dusters, it's not what I want but it's fair and with a WN, that's the best you can hope for. Will you let him take DD if there's a chance he won't bring her back for Xmas? What a horrid position to be in so close to the big day.

My lovely exMIL was on at me yesterday. As I said before, when I dropped the kids over, I literally said goodbye to them and left. Apparently, WN wanted to talk to me about Xmas times so she needs to know when I'm bringing them over. Fuck Off exMIL - why oh why can't he talk to me, why can't he ask, what 34yr old man gets his mummy to facilitate contact with his DC. I simply replied I'll speak to him today when he brings them back but made me - no escape even on my one night free.

Urgh Panda your poor DD having to hear that!

Just checking in, all still quiet on WN front here.

DS's cat has gone missing, very worried. He hasn't noticed yet thankfully.

Oh no, hope his cat is found soon. Can't bear the thought of my cat going missing, must be so worrying.

Had an 'interesting' conversation with ex yesterday - he wanted me to give him DD's psychiatrists name and phone number so he could call and cancel her assessment/treatment because he's offended I dare take her to a doctor without asking his permission first (which he would have refused anyway). Not sure what to do now about this.

He also thinks that if he should turn up to pick DD up while driving drunk that I have no right to refuse to hand her over (this was a hypothetical situation when I was trying to explain to him that parents can actually break court orders to protect their child)

2012 if you can bear it I wouldn't text. They'll just say look how selfish she is, can't even allow me my last few hours with ds. We know it's about ds feelings, but they of course are only thinking about their own. So as long as you think he's safe, and he knows it's only one more night, I'd resist the temptation - bloody hard though.

Can I add fk off to StopLaughing's ex-MIL

Sorry about the cat OhB Great news that's it's still no contact from WN. I guess it's no fun when he can't get to you, eh? What a twat.

Nats I always think that the stories about your ex can't get any worse - then he comes up trumps with another ludicrous accusation/statement. I can't think of anything adult to say about the drink driving comment. As for the other matter. Even if you are supposed to get his permission in theory, in practice wouldn't his mental health issues preclude him from giving consent - unsound mind and all that?

My ex has contacted me about the bloody unsigned form business. I texted a curt factual reply. No response. Depending what comes back I'll either ignore him, or tell him to worry about more important things, like not being a miserable, self-pitying bore and trying instead to be a decent parent

We are going on holiday today. Packing and dDs are excited. ExH text me again yesterday to demand confirmation of his Xmas visiting dates knowing full well we are away all Xmas. I didn't reply. I was manically busy at work and with the children. I did causally broach the subject of daddy with the kids to remind them they will see him after our holiday. dd1 was working on her homework project at the time and she just stopped dead and had her head in her hands. Such a strong reaction to the thought of seeing him . I reminded her that she doesn't have to and we chatted but I don't think it helped. She doesn't want to see him ever but says he will keep asking and arguing with her on the phone if she doesn't go. I've told her not to worry and I'm going to find someone who can help us to feel better about daddy.

He usually calls the girls once a week whilst he is driving to work and that's it. No other times. So I thought he would call this morning to say bye to them before we fly (he doesn't know flight time) and he hasn't done.

My siblings think I should text him to let him know we are leaving away (he already knows via DDs) and the date we will be returning (he doesn't know this and he hasn't ask he has just demanded dates. But it's a visit to family long haul and he knows where we are going so he would know it's for the whole holiday period and not a short hop). Siblings worry he will continue to text me and harass me whilst we are abroad and I should offset this by explaining our travel dates to him.

But I am loathe to do this as it will spark off another barrage of horrible texts from him. My anxiety is bubbling and I feel sick. They want me to hold the moral high ground by still allowing access but I think he could call them anytime. It's not my job to facilitate contact via phone when he can do that for himself. I've packed but I'm working today as well and DDs are all at home too. So I have enough on my plate without worrying about his needs.

What do you guys think? I am sorry to ask and I know you are going through far worse but I feel so stressed before holiday now.

I've tried calling GP and Womens Aid for advice re DD and re ExHs harassment of her but no one is picking up at either - been trying for two days now but both are busy.

DUSTERS
unfortunately I just couldn't resist the temptation to text -
I now bloody wish i hadn't - there's been no reply, of course -
I'm a bit hung-over and feeling very emotional and vulnerable - and feeling slightly sorry for myself...
My work colleagues are great and being very supportive - which is great.
I love the idea of the wise words of the 8th century Chinese prophet :
Fuck oooooooooooooffffffffffffffffff
That made me smile

I called the social worker and she reassured me that my ex can't stop DD's treatment because the paediatrician referred her and that most likely if he does call the hospital and try and stop it they'll make a child protection report against him for trying to prevent a child from receiving health care.

But now he's saying that I am severely mentally ill and 'someone' was supposed to have contacted me to tell me how concerned everyone is about my 'compulsive lying' and 'confused delusions', funnily enough, no one has contacted me to say anything like that! But now I should be on the look out for the police coming to my house because 'everyone is so concerned' about me, or possibly an ambulance to take me away to the psych ward. No sign of police or ambulance yet but I shall look forward to that... The good thing about my ex, that as irritating that he is, at least he gives me a lot of things to laugh at

It really isn't your job to contact him 2012 if he wants contact, then he needs to pick up the phone himself.

If I were you, Name, I would carry on as you are. You've got a shed load on, he does know about the dates etc so you don't need to confirm that again.

And as for your siblings - they're not having to deal with the anxiety and upset that each contact brings. It is so easy to say 'keep things civil' when they don't experience that gut wrenching feeling when your phone tells you there's a text waiting. They don't deal with the fallout for your gorgeous DC when he once again, fucks them around. They really have no idea so again, stick with what you're doing as you know it's the right thing to do. If he hassles you while you're away, switch phone off and check once a day when you're feeling up to it. I can see it's coming from a place of love but unless you've been there, there is no way to know how a short text about dates can potentially generate a huge shit storm.

Enjoy your holiday - you really deserve it!

Nat - my WN kicked off massively when I accessed counselling for DD in the aftermath of the split. This was purely for her to have some 1:1 time with the school nurse so gods know what he'd have done if it had been referred through like with your DD.

His response is classic projection as he's clearly the one with mental health issues. Goodness me - an ambulance swooping in to take you to the psych ward.. is that even a thing? Sounds like he would benefit more from that - when I suggested similar, in a genuinely kind way, to my WN it didn't go down well

Glad your able to laugh at him Nat he's obviously worried people can see how nuts his behaviour is.

omg NAT - that's outrageous w/n behaviour. wow.
how can they say that they don't want their own children to access medical help? -
selfish twaty pile of shittery crap the lot of them

Oops meant to direct the contact thing at name

An ambulance swooping in and taking him off was how he ended up in the psych ward one of the times so I guess he's talking from experience there but lacking the ability to understand that someone actually has to be severely mentally ill, to the point of being a danger to themselves and/or others for that to happen, not because he decides he doesn't like what I say!
He reckons that DD's problems are all because she hasn't seen him in months (nevermind the fact its being going on for 3 years) but then says its not his fault or problem when I pointed out that he is the only one preventing DD from seeing him because he refuses to come to supervised meetings. With all the "advice" he's apparently been getting I'm starting to think his lawyer is actually imaginary no lawyer worth their salt would advise a parent refuse visitation for the purpose of gaining more visitation!

Would love to have been a fly on the wall when you suggested that to your ex StopLaughing!