Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Natski your friend sounds absolutely amazing! She must be so pleased they turned out into lovely boys and not hinders by a twatty dad.

Is she a calm and zen parent, or a wild mess like I feel I am?

I hope we all wake up to the same one day. Fabulous children despite their crappy dads.

greencar I hope you are ok

Hello all,

teabay hope the mediation went ok this afternoon.

2012 love the fuck-off song will be singing it a lot I think.

greencar that's life I think, everyone is busy, worn out, stressed having to deal with a WN is bloody hard work. I think different people respond to different types of counselling but tbh feeling that you can trust the counsellor is the most important thing.

name i could almost hear my WN saying that. Typical passive agressive behaviour almost a threat but not quite. They are all Twats.

Wine for everyone

greencar you're amazing to be able to take the time to reply to mine and others posts when you're going through such a lot. I feel like you are my friend

2012 looks like I got off lightly - you're a Roman. Perhaps you need to borrow my moisturiser ?!

Welcome back Nats Glad you enjoyed your time away. Maybe your friend can be our mascot.

Name I think you're absolutely right that it's classic WN behaviour. Destabilising sounds like what he's aiming for. He knows when he's seeing the dc, just can't bear to think of you being away with them and being happy. Like you say, try not to let it run through your mind too much, that's what he wants.

I've passed a letter on to twat today that I opened by mistake. It concerns the form he won't sign. I think he's not going to have any option now, he'll have to comply with the authorities. I don't know if this will spark off his pompous texts. I hope not, I can't be bothered to be nasty, equally pompous, or patronising.

greencar wanted to add to what Red said about the counselling. It's a widely acknowledged fact that it's the quality of, and the fact of, the therapeutic relationship itself that can be so beneficial. This is why although it's important to find the right type of therapy - be it CBT, person centred etc - it's equally important to find the right person for you. That's why a good therapist will be happy to have an informal chat with you. Also to see the first session as a way for you to work out if you're a good fit for each other. Much of the benefit/healing/progress comes through the relationship.

Hi everyone,
Thanks for yesterday. I loved ALL of your advice, used most of it and the other bits made me laugh & feel supported ("fuck oooooffffff.....")

In the mediation I tried to be unemotional, just factual. He took all the rope, quickly tied some of his own as well and just showed his true colours. At one point he was taken outside by the mediator for a "chat" but not because he was shouting and rude.

The plan for the girls to be with me more than him still stands (yay!) and the mediator brought up the subject of maintenance (which he pretended not to engage in) but I know there's now a copy of everything written by a legal expert. I asked for it to be sent to my solicitor.

Thank you again - I feel I was better at it because of you!!

KOKO everyone xxx

Hi all, can I join you please.

Long old story here. 6 years separated, court order in place and ex is still using kids as a weapon against me. Today's situation is that my children are due back with me at 9.00. Yesterday they were still in NI and kids were told they would be back travelling back this morning - dd communicated this to me via messenger on Saturday. They are meant to be going to the panto with my parents this afternoon at 4.00 and ex was very reluctant to agree to the children being back with me for this as he hates my parents (my mum once called him a bully so he will hold it against her forever). Ex has refused to let me know any flight times when I have asked. It is going to be a long old day.

Glad everything went well Tea

That's a great result Tea. Love the outside "chat" with the mediator, they must have seen it all before. Also good that a third party has seen and recorded everything. What's he going to do now, gaslight the solicitor?

Welcome MsColouring That sounds like a horribly stressful situation, and so cruel to upset your plans just to spite your parents/you. I hope you get some more information during the day so that you know if you're going to make the panto.

Just to keep everyone going - slowly the truth will out to those who matter. It also helps me to stop thinking I'm mad! Last week I bumped into a builder who did a lot of work on our house a few years ago. I told him about the divorce and he was surprised, but then he quickly followed it up with "but he was really nasty and shouty with you wasn't he; he even had a go at me a few times when I hadn't done anything". Yay fckin hurray!!! It's not craziness, when exh 'forgot' someone was there he showed his true colours! Loving it.

TEA: glad it went well & that you used the best mantra! .

Welcome MSCOLOURING: so sorry that you find yourself here with us, which mean you have a shit X (w/n wank narcissist).... 6 years ! wine, hugs (when needed) and general all round support.

Ds called yesterday wanted to come home . It's stomach churning.

Thank you for the welcome. It's reassuring that I'm not the only one but frustrating so little can be done about these controlling twats.

So my children are now an hour and 15 minutes late and there has been no word from him. Having looked up what flight they might be on and estimated time to travel from the airport, I am guessing they will be here by 12.00 so I am staying calm for now. My mum is stressing and I imagine dd is stressing but keeping busy with the housework for now.

Welcome MissColouring I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this too

How old are your children? Do they like seeing their dad, are they happy when they go? It must be very stressful for your DD to have to communicate travel plans to you in this way.

I have the same issues with my DD and its horribly stressful. I hope you are ok today whilst you are waiting. Can you do something to kill some time - go for a walk/run or go see someone who doesn't know abut your situation? I find this is the worst bit - waiting for them to arrive and not knowing when that might be. I really feel for you.

Teabay I'm so glad mediation went well. I hope there is a higher power watching over all of this and your ex will get his comeuppance.

I am so grateful for this thread, and to be able to speak with other parents who get it. The constant fear, threats and acts of selfishness are just relentless.

2012PP I hope your poor DS is ok, When is he coming back home? Just think after this he will be seeing WN far less, so life will start to get much easier for you.

Still having problems here with the WN and mother. They are telling me I am petty for asking to stick to the agreement we made. Yet they would do exactly the same if the tables were turned.

Hi all - sat on a train in the gorgeous Norfolk countryside on my way to a night of fun & festiveness (I hope). WN was nice as pie when I dropped the DC off early this morning but I was really detached which made me feel better. When he brings them back tomorrow, I may sing 2012's awesome Fuck Off song in my head until he's gone

Sorry to hear things are still rubbish for so many of you.

Teabay - glad mediation went well. We had separate rooms when we did ours as he couldn't be in the same room as me apparently. So long ago now and he went back on the agreement anyway so am glad you've got your solicitor on the case who can hopefully get something more formal signed.

MsColouring - I hope by the time you read this, your DC are home with you. How utterly terrifying and totally thoughtless. I just couldn't do that to someone - the way their brains work is just so alien to me. I am sure he will have justified it to himself somehow

Dusters - hope your DS has a good one today. When does he break up as hopefully a couple of weeks of r&r will have him back to himself.

Name - that sort of threat makes me go all cold and you can hear the hate behind it. I am in awe of you just ignoring - I hope you're able to keep it up as he doesn't deserve any of your head space at all, ugh!

Green - big hugs x

ontheball - they may think that but you're not and no one here thinks you are. Stick to your guns, which is so so hard, but they'll think you're unreasonable whatever you do so may as well hold your head up high!

Thanks StopLaughing that's what I needed to here.

Their so good at manipulating that sometimes it feels like what is the point, but then I just feel taken advantage of so I need to get strong and clear in myself.

I'd be tempted to reply ontheball that if they/he wasn't so petty in the first place you'd be able to co-parent normally. Instead you've had to resort to a third party to put an agreement in place. You could ask them if they are intending to disregard the agreement in future? If so, maybe throw in a WN style threat and say you'll do likewise.

Omg the WN is now suggesting we keep swapping the term time weekends every school holiday which is utter madness as it would mean not being able to make plans for more than a term at a time. Grrr

Glad mediation went well tea its great when the WN slips up their facade in front of a 3rd party, reassures you that its not just you that sees it.

Hope your children are home now Colouring

Urgh that's a ridiculous idea Ontheball what an idiot your WN is!

DD's lovely social worker has just dropped off more presents for DD and a 70 euro food shopping voucher for our Christmas food :)

D day tomorrow at court.

Sorry I've been MIA.

to you all

Good luck tomorrow Frog thinking very strong positive kick-his-WN-arse thoughts for you.

It's so tempting dusters

Hope your children are about to sit and watch the panto now colouring

I hope everything goes well tomorrow frog

Dusters how is your DS and did you report at school? I hope he's ok and looking forward to Christmas. (Sorry if I missed this, I was behind with posts).

MsColouring hope panto all went well. I expect it was typical WN behaviour of a delay, but not so long to stop the panto. That way, if you complain later, he'll do the innocent 'don't know why you were stressed routine'. Grr.

Mine brings DCs back between a 45 minute window because he likes to be in charge of whether it's 7.30 or 8.15pm. When he arrives for a pick up, however, he expects DCs shoes.and coats on ahead and the timing is precise, e.g. he'll say 9.45am Sat morning and at 9.45 expects to be driving away with DCs in car or he starts shouting at them. My DD asked for an earlier drop off one day to see a friend and he said that they had plans. All he did was to keep them longer watching TV. I've given up trying to fix it, the DCs are starting to see that he's controlling.

Ontheball you know that they are being controlling, they are trying to make you feel unfair. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Frog good luck

Nat your social worker sounds lovely. Nice to have some positives to balance out WNs.